Moving Day (again)......

Threw in this photo from Moving Day #1...18months ago.

Tomorrow is moving day.  With all the drama of the past 18 months I will be very relieved to have this one crossed off the calender and a thing of the past.  It's not the work that wears me down (shoot it keeps me in shape) it's managing the various emotional needs and crisis that a disrupted life creates for everyone in our family.  Some sit in the corner and weep, others fill Ziploc bags with random things from under the couch which distracts me while their siblings go back to stealing food and hide the evidence behind the bathtub.  My pre-move days are a careful balancing act of planning, packing and therapeutic parenting that leave me gasping for McDonald's Iced Tea (what a strange addiction) and Toll House cookies.

What Do You Wish You Had Known About Adoption?

Tonight I am sharing with a group of women about post adoption life.  As adoptive reader-moms what do you wish you had known as you moved past finalization and into your new realities?  What were the big surprises?

Life Long Care.......

I grew up in a small town.  From the point that our one-doctor-office closed down and we joined the larger clinic my siblings and I were with the same group of doctors until we grew up and moved away. 

There was comfort in the consistency of care that stretched from our childhood - through the teen years and into our adult lives which I realize I need to intentionally cultivate for my own kids rather than living wholly in our world of pediatric specialists.  Julie first brought the thought into my head as Mckenna turned that magical 18 and had to leave her own loving circle of docors and start all over again with a group who have no idea who she is - what makes her amazing - and where she has been.

Which is causing me to think twice about the clinic choices I make today- especially on the issues we will have life long care for - a very interesting twist to pediatric care I hadn't seen coming.

Must Be Denial......

The countdown is on - one week from tonight we will hopefully be tucked in for our first night back in the Old House.  I'm a little at loose ends this week, though I didn't realize how bad it was until I caught myself cruising the Internet in search of the 'perfect' casual winter boots and contemplating a trip to the mall to window shop for them.  In the current season thought like this are definitely a sign of denial.

Considering Adoption? Got Questions? Come Ask!

This Friday night several friends and I are getting together in Minneapolis to share a little about adoption and encourage the Bowers in their adoption journey. 

This is a 'ladies only' event (think tea party) with Andie Eggiman speaking on birth mom care, Jessica Hilstrom sharing their adoption story and me....promising to answer any question posed honestly no matter how tough or awkward and opening the window into life 'after' adoption.

During the evening snacks and desserts will be served, conversation encouraged, and a drawing held for some of Andie's artwork (which I LOVE)  We will also be happy to receive any donations towards Jonathan and Crystal Bowers' adoption fund and I promise not leave until I have prayed with anyone who wants to focus specifically this Friday night on their journey into and beyond adoption.

Click here to see the Evite and RSVP if you want to come.

"Children Bind The Mothers Feet........."

Almost one hundred years ago Amy Carmichael reflected in her private journal that 'Children bind the mothers feet' - a reality which echos loudly through the hallways of my life as the needs of our kids increase.  It's not as if my days have become one dimensional (kids only) it's simply the realization that my absence triggers deep seated fear and panic in some of them and exasperates issues which not need to be messed with.

Next week we move back into the Old House and though I am looking forward to it I am also very aware that we are creating another trauma point for the kids which will trigger their defensive mechanisims.  In real life this means my feet will be bound tighter and my world grows smaller until we are through it.

2011 Walk For The Cure.........

Looking for a way to encourage this summer?  How about coming alongside my friend Michelle as she walks in the Susan G Komen - 3 Day for the Cure?  This is something she is strongly committed to doing and I am behind her involvment also - not walking because my kids need me at home- but helping raise funds so that she can walk for both of us and hopefully play a small part of finding the cure for Breast Cancer.  If you don't know her yet - consider yourself introduced - she is kneeling in the front row in this photo from our last ATA testing.  If you click here you can donate easily...I promise!

Takes one To Know One......

Several times recently I have been called to give an account to readers/friends regarding my attitude towards adoption and the implication I have made which states that only families who have adopted understand on a gut level what adoption is really about. 

I am surprised that this is an issue.  But when I have stated that adoption runs deeper than paperwork, time lines and bills people have become offended and feel I am wrong to say that there is a separate level of understanding  between people who have adopted and those who haven't.  Of course those who most aggressively think I am wrong are not those who have adopted so they don't actually know.......

Which just makes my head spin.  Remember the analogy I wrote which compared adoption and post-placement life to a wedding followed by a marriage?  I think that the basics of a wedding are much the same as those of an adoption and most people can understand the process- there are a series of checklists, bills, events and possible issues which might arise and then on a specific date/time/place the placement/wedding either occurs or it doesn't.  If they do occur then you are catapulted into the post-placement or marriage phase of the process which is when life takes a turn away from common understanding and into a new path. 

The wedding analogy works here.  Many brides hire wedding planners or coordinators because there is a common understanding of what needs to happen in a wedding- but no one takes along a 'marriage planner' on their honeymoon.  The same thing happens in adoption - many families have adoption advocates or caseworkers who manage the details and walk them through the adoption process but as soon as the adoption in finalized they are at the curb with most of our friends throwing rice or birdseed over the happy families departure.  Task complete - file the paperwork and move on to the next family.

But neither adoption nor marriage ends with the ceremony.  Both move forward in time and space in ways that can not be predicted and even if I get nasty comments here I will hold the line that a family who has adopted has particular insight into those post placement years that families built through biology can never have.  Or as the blog title says 'takes one to know one.'  Which makes me giggle wondering how many adoptive families who are not parenting kids with FASD's could even begin to understand that particular journey....but that will be another blog post.

Learning To Be Flexible........

Situational flexibility isn't an easy thing for many of our kids.  They thrive on consistency, predictability and routine.  This week has been sort of a 'flexibility test' for the crew and they passed with flying colors.  Because the two oldest were assistant coaches at soccer camp we all needed to be there early and stay late..we also needed to adapt to all of the extreme Minnesota weather that came our way and keep track of a moving a mountain of gear to and from the fields each morning.  And we did it!

Six campers and two coaches..........

Steam breaking the Black board with a palm strike - a particular break combination that has been just out of reach up until last night.  He did it!

We were also scheduled to test for our Blue belts at TKD last night - I admit to serious trepidation as we had two girls with mild heat stroke yesterday morning and were on the fourth day of camp - but the week was crazy anyway so we went ahead with it. 

Exhaustion and heat caused a few of our smaller brains to get stuck on our form - but our Black belt friend B jumped in and helped the youngest through the sticking points. (Thanks B!)

Even Wind broke her board  - not something guaranteed as she tend to lose control of her large muscles as she gets more tired. It was a good night for everyone and this morning we head off to the last day of soccer camp with a happy crew and increased flexibility all the way around.

Updates On Elijah's Journey.......

This Tuesday Elijah started his first round of inpatient treatments in preparation for his Bone Marrow Transplant (BMT) later this summer.  You can link over to Julies blog here to catch the wonderful (and not so wonderful) updates straight from the hospital.  I think that just getting the whole process started (4-6 months) has been a huge relief to them - it's one thing to sort/file/and pack your bags for the looming medical crisis - it's another thing entirely to get in boat and start paddling.

Though some things are not managed yet - many of the smaller ones are falling into place and a team of volunteers is starting to draw together to fill the gaps and help carry the load.  We have a CareCalender set up for meals so that Mark doesn't have to manage everything with the other kids AND make dinner every night (email me if you want to prepare a meal or sponsor one.) If you are interested in other things that can be done to help Julie has a new page on her blog that gives details and I am always willing to throw out ideas as weekly needs arise.

Water Parks are Good- Soccer is OK - Bowling is Bad.....

This week has played out as a Sensory Processing trial for several of the kids.  Even though I am their mom I can't always predict which situations will trigger sensory overload (with accompanying disruptive behaviors) and sometimes I guess and am just plain wrong. 

Over the weekend, the middle boys participated in a bowling party for a friends birthday. Bowling seemed tame when I considered the invitation but I forgot about the blinking/crashing/distracting aspects of modern alleys.  Drat.  Good news was it wasn't a total crash and burn (yeah for medicating early that day!)- but I did relearn the lesson that anything even remotely 'arcadey' wont help this particular kids processing abilities.

In contrast, the late evening, men-only water park night was perfect for all the boys.  Open space (loud voices ok) bumping and crashing as semi-acceptable, and the soothing as well as appropriately exhilarating water slides made it all work well.    Soccer camp is also a win this year.  Hot yes - but with enough running, shouting, bumping, high-fiveing to keep our wilder impulses under wraps.  Of course, after this week I'm shutting down the sensory feed entirely for a few days and we are going to work on our library reading plans in a cool dark house....which at 99' just sounds heavenly to me!

Blog To Introduce: New Mercies Every Morning........

I am excited to share a link to my friend Heather's blog New Mercies Every Morning.  Some of you may remember her old blog which took a hiatus when they hit an extreme parenting/life season - but now she is back in force and wrote a great post today on her hearts journey into the world of FASD parenting.  I love this girl and her super fun husband and have a special place in my heart for her son Corey.  Link on over and meet an encouraging blog.

Photos Of The Old House For Charlie...

This week we are experiencing technical difficulties in the Crowded House - these photos of the Old House are for Charlie our insurance agent so we can insure it.

Repost: When Adoption Isn't Fun.........

Summer brings many adoptive families to a crisis point.  Instead of becoming a relaxing time together the long months can unravel as an endless nightmare.  I am reposting this poem for all of you moms who are hurting and lonely....my prayers go out to you and my heart is aching over the realities of each unique situation.  Feel free to shoot me an email if I can send you an internet hug....no one should stand alone in this journey.

When Adoption Isn't Fun.........



Many adoptive moms carry a terrible secret around in their hearts.
It's the overwhelming weight that they can't even whisper to their husbands late at night.
It's the guilty relief they feel whenever their kids leave for school and the excruciating despair they face when three o'clock rolls around again...


At it's barest essence it boils down to the the heart breaking reality that they don't love or even like their newly (or not so newly) adopted kids.


And they are grieving...


Deeply and painfully understanding for the first time
The ease of life 'before'
The corruption of their dreams,
The loss of self,
That can come when it isn't easy.


They look around and see so many families
doing adoption so 'well,'
and feel like failures.


They see children who are not angry,
Who are not damaged,
Who are not exhausting,
and silently cry out in their heads -


WHY ME?


But never speak it.
Because it looks like failure
and they are so fragile
they can't risk exploding at the
false sympathy
and careless words,
of others.


They don't want to hear
'It will get better..'
because they know it might not.

They don't want to feel judged
by people outside their homes
who have no idea.


They long for someone to jump
into the pool with them
to feel the weight
to cry
and pray
and understand
that this journey isn't always fun.


To get into their mess and
help clean it up.


Because some days it is
too much.


Some days the loneliness is echoing
and the future is terrifying
and there are no good answers
and they find themselves prostrate again
Before the Lord.


Because there is no one.
No one to call,
or email
or text
and through Him they are refilled enough
to do one more day -
but are still longing for a sister-heart to
share with.


(I wrote this tonight for the moms I have spoken to and emailed with this week. Moms all over the US who are living in a dark tunnel of despair because they are experiencing the suffering side of adoption and have no safe place to fall apart. My prayer is that the Lord will bring you a new vision. A new understanding of life and enough strength to walk one day at a time.)  Reposted from 12/2010 - Urban Servant.

Sunday Lunch From The Garden.....

The View This Morning............

Early each morning I sit on the porch of the Crowded House and greet the new day through a set of watery antique windows.  The hour between 5:30 and 6:30 is often my own and I savor the quiet before Isaac sounds the alarm and the family begins to join me.  This morning the view is is partially obstructed by a large uhaul - one that Dearest and I loaded late last night during a break in the storms.  It contains everything we don't have in the Crowded House - mostly the furniture and framework that it takes for a large family to dig-in and settle.  None of it is really essential.  We don't 'need' dressers or bookshelves, Christmas decorations, photo albums or toys.  But they are the things we are moving into the house this weekend in order to begin this last transition home.

(Note: We are not moving into the house but paying Ryan to store our things there until closing which is scheduled August 3...or maybe sooner.)

And Unanticipated And Exciting Side of Adoption And The Church....

Sixteen years ago our lives were changed forever as we caught our home churches vision of urban ministry and accepted the challenge of choosing to live in the inner city instead of the usual suburbs. It took a few years for us to make the move (and we took a year off in Colorado which only reconfirmed our initial decision) but now city feels like home and the suburbs feel strange.  City has become 'just right' for us and many other families we know have made the same decision.

A similar thing has happened in adoption.  Sixteen years ago we learned of the need for adoptive families - we heard the statistics about African American children waiting for families and eight adoptions later we are seeing an exciting new trend. Some of our churches have become so saturated with adoption that the ethnic makeup has shifted and the pews are reflecting the rainbow of diversity that adopting from all over the world can bring.  With that diversity we are also seeing more non-Caucasian families feeling more comfortable in our home school groups, Sunday Schools and sports teams.  That diversity through adoption also brings in another type of diversity - a broader spread of abilities.  Most of the families in our pre-adoption circle of friends didn't have issues with RAD, FASD or the wide spectrum of LD's we now share in common.  There were some with genetic issues or birth defects but few that made their families 'look' different in the larger scale of things.  Most of the people we encountered with these issues were not sitting in our pews and engaging in our Sunday Schools - most of them were not nestled into the core of our church families - they were the people we reached out to in our urban ministries.

But now it's different.  Those we used to see as a little outside the main church body are now dead center in the pews.  Because of this we can no longer automatically structure our churches in the same way -  we have so many wonderful, precious children growing into adults who may never reach basic norms intellectually, socially or behaviorally that something has to change. I feel the growing pains as we (the larger church) shift our thinking from strictly linear to something more inclusive, more embracing, more acknowledging that each person is an individual within a wider scope of acceptable behaviors and abilities. Not that we will have no standards - just that our standard should be based on what is going on in peoples hearts not strictly what is being seen on the outside.

It's beautiful.  It's painful. And I am so excited to see the churches I love beginning to see this side life.  Not counting those with hidden (and not hidden) disabilities as those to reach out to - but counting them as part of our own selves.  As important, valuable and unique as any other member of the body.

Early Testing For FASD's.........

Yesterday was sort of anticlimactic  Anticipating trouble I had a team of women praying that I wouldn't pick a fight with any of the clinic staff and that their FASD assessments of the kids would be fair and insightful.  Don't get me wrong on that - I love the UM staff but there is always the potential for a disconnect between what they see as the best answer and real life.  Some days I take it well and sort of let it slide when they say things like 'this kid needs full time preschool and therapy five days a week' other times I start in and have 'the talk.'  Like how exactly is being removed from the family six hours a day going to help a preschooler with serious anxiety and separation challenges?  Good thing I had the girls behind me. :)

In the end there were no surprises as we reviewed the test results for four of the kids. Common to FASD's, we have three children who fall solidly into the 'average' range of IQ and one who is 'borderline.'  Not that it makes learning easier for the first three - it just means that they have an average IQ with a disabling factor.

My one hope going into this visit was that we might be able to fully diagnose our three year old.  Unfortunately, because of his age they wavered again and are postponing most of his diagnosis another two years until he is five.  He does have a ARND diagnosis that he received at 18 months but we can see there is much more going on in his compact little frame than that.  Which leads me to the title of this post and my reasons for needing that prayer support even more than normal.  In discussing Storm their logic for waiting was twofold. 1 he might just be exhibiting normal toddler behavior that we are reading too much into and 2 He might have learned his behaviors from other kids in the family and therefor be mimicking not manifesting.

Both of which are the type of comments that make moms like me bare our teeth and start foaming.  I wont expand on that but within a few minutes of meeting this child at ten months old we could see that there is more than just 'normal' boy stuff going on with him and when I say he is the one that the other ten were preparation for - I mean it.  Good news is that I am patient.  It took me 8 years to get a fair diagnosis for Speed and I was sent through the wringer to get there....if nothing else I am learning that this truly is a marathon and not a sprint.

It's Still Judgement If I Say It Nice........

Reading through the 'kind words that hurt'  many families shared after my last post both publicly and privately. I realized what my heart has been telling me for a long time - most of the ones which really cut are subtly -or not so subtlety - passing judgement on ourselves or our kids.  It's often disguised as 'encouragement' or 'helpful suggestions' or my least favorite - a type of twisted Biblical rebuke (which is so un-biblical!)

It happens regularly - this morning I wonder how many people were itching to suggest I take my toddler out of the worship service?  He wasn't making noise or disturbing families around us but he did need a little sensory input so I was letting him swing his legs like a pendulum while I held his upper body to my chest during the standing portions...and I dig let him hang from my arms like a sack of potatoes because he loves that dead weight feeling. (Hey who needs the gym?  I could rent this kid out for the 30 minute workout at church!)  I'm sure there was more than one person watching who thought he needed a swat rather than a kiss on his forehead or the twenty kisses I gave him as we squoze and swung our way through the morning. 

I wonder if they took into account the rather overwhelming diagnosis I think he will be 'officialy recieiving' from the UM tomorrow and the depth of the challenges life presents him with.  Probably not.  And there is very little way that they could understand the attachment crisis that removing him from the sanctuary would trigger - way not worth it - and much more disturbing than a little wiggling. 

Most of those who are most uncomfortable with us don't actually know our kids or the details of our journey...but many feel compelled to offer their judging comments and opinions.  Why is that?  What makes us humans think that we can peek into another persons world for 30 seconds and see things that they themselves are ignorant of? 

I know I have done it and regret it deeply.  I have tried to apologize to those I have judged through my words - be they sugar coated, backwards or straight out there direct - I know I should not be judging others by what I see or don't see when our worlds bump into each other.  It's just wrong.

Thankfully, being mom to kids with FASD's and other hidden disabilities has given me a measure of grace for others that I lacked before.  Not knowing the whole 'back story' allows me freedom to love people right where they are at and not need to let them know what I think...about anything.  Because it just isn't about me and my opinions - it's about what God has done, is doing and has planned in their life.  No one made me anyone else's judge and I should never pick up that gavel.

What Spin Wants.....

Spin in the distance leaving our house with his two sisters following.

Tonight after dinner Spin poured his heart out to me on the sidewalk in front of the Crowded House.  He wants to go home, he wants to not be in protective relative care, he wants a normal life with cousins who are not mean to him - and scary.  He simply wants the normal things that kids his age do, it's almost overwhelming to see the thankfulness when we invite him into the corners of our life.   For a snack, a meal, a field trip - the normalcy is what he craves in his out of control world.

I didn't have any easy answers for him about what has happened in his life this year- but I could say that I was thankful for one thing. 

I was happy that we are getting to know him because he is a really great kid and we would never have met without the sad things that came first.  I had the chance to tell him he was precious and give him a mommy hug in this season when his mom can't do it.  Praying tonight that his mom will be able to tell him herself soon........

Kind Words That Hurt.........

(Note: This post is directly written toward our parenting of kids who have FASD's  though it is relevant to many other disabilities and life situations also..)

Most of the time, I find that people who say things which sound kind but in truth cut deeply, are simply unaware of how their thoughts fit into the paradigm and marathon of FASD parenting.  It's not that they really want to hurt us or our kids, it's just that they are either clueless or careless in  the way they chose to engage and they can leave us at the end of what they consider a 'pleasent chat,' or 'word of encouragement' steaming mad and hoping to avoid them in the future.

It's hard.  Most nice, normal, middle class Americans honestly don't have a clue what FASD's really are or how they affect a families life and in reality - they really don't want to. 

Eww...I wrote that didn't I?  I thought it first, chewed it for a long time and decided to try it on the page.  FASD's make people uncomfortable, really uncomfortable.  In strange ways that other birth defects don't.  I'm not sure if it's the fact that they are 100 % preventable or if it's the polite American 'I don't have the right to tell anyone else what to do with their body,' discomfort but there is something there that sits differently.

Oh well. Now that's out there I can get back to my original post.......

Kind words that hurt....I am outlining a presentation by this title to add to my file of topics I can share with groups when asked to come and introduce different aspects of adoptive parenting.

This one is deeply personal to me because I have lived through a lot of it over the past 11 years.  Because of that, I would love it if you would share the hard things that have been said to you so that I can fold them into the outline and de-sensitize the topic it bit. These are a few of my own less painful examples.........and the milder thoughts that fly through my head as I relive each one.

*If you have any 'kind words that hurt" relating to adoption or special needs kids feel free to email or comment them so that I can expand my file.

"If you would only invest a few minutes a couple of times a week, I am sure that your child can memorize these paragraphs.  They really want to earn the prize for doing it.'
(This is the child that took 4 years to learn the alphabet?  Grr....)


"I just know your child can do better- he is so smart."
(Really? Would you like a weekend to try?)


"Don't worry - the toddler years are the worst and you will soon be through them."
(Um, no. Toddlers are expected to behave like this - the worst is yet to come in our FASD world.  Just about the time you settle back with a light novel while your teens are testing their wings my life is going to dial up to new, unexplored extremes of parenting.)
"In ten years your children will all be independent and you will not know what to do with yourself."
(Great thought.  Very doubtful for several.)


"There is such great medical progress in the brain being healed now. This isn't  necessarily forever."
(Really?  I haven't met very many people with FASD's who have been healed so far.  Not that I am not hopeful for improvement..but it was damage done as their brain was developing.)

"I am sure you child can handle the situation (camp, trip to the mall without parents, walking to the store alone, being left home) you are just nervous because you homeschool and like to keep them close to you."
(Actually I would prefer a little more space between us.  But then again you don't actually know my kids....)

"They are so well behaved.  I don't think they need special help at all."
(Stop. They are well behaved because they are receiving the special help they need. Take it away and we will have a crisis.)


To the larger world these may sound like innocent enough statements.  But to those of us living in the parallel and almost hidden world of FASD they are the arrows which regularly pierce us - and it's ok for us to say 'ouch.'

A Lighter Moment In The Story of Parenting Kids With Mental Health Issues.....

Last night, in the gap between playtime and dinner one of our bigger kids was totally dysregulated and anxious.  Because I could see that he was heading for a major meltdown I rounded up the crew, hauled them into the house to cool off and offered a 30 minute movie break while the evening medications kicked in.  After about 20 minutes they were all happily piled in our 6x8 space we call the 'living room' so I ventured out into the yard to tackle the nasty trash carts that needed a little attention. 
Mistake number one...left child who was having crazy thoughts and impulse control issues in the house without another child as 1:1 helper.
Mistake number two....left huge pot of fried rice on stove.
Mistake number three.....put a Food Network DVD in - Paula Dean don't you know.

Can you guess what happened?

You are right. 

The crazy thoughts had not turned to knives, self injury, hurting someone else or the destruction of property.....nope...instead he turned to the wild over seasoning of dinner.  Nutmeg to be exact.  About a half a jar of the finest.  Which struck me as utterly funny in light of the usual way these thoughts play out.  I was amazed though to watch his reaction as I hauled him into my 'office' for a little chat after scraping off the top layer.  In his mind this crazy thought/action was just as bad as the others...which has given me another insight into how this particular brain works.

Look into the future I'm thinking I can probably give him a little freedom with these particular wild and crazy thoughts.  Perhaps allowing him to pepper the pudding, salt the cookies or cilantro the stuff out of the oatmeal will give both of us a better way to deal with these harder moments when the medication isn't quite enough.

Update on My 'Dale' Jar.............

Do you remember the jar I posted about two weeks ago with Dale written on it?

Today we will be delivering the exact amount of money that I have been praying for to his wife.  The absolute beauty is that I am not simply waiting for payday and writing a check, which would feel very much like something we did outside of God's provision for us.  Rather, yesterday in the mail two checks arrived.  A smaller one that I was expecting and another totally unexpected one for three times as much from the escrow holdings on our Colorado house. 

Which means that today we get to fill our favorite role as managers of this little corner of God's warehouse - we get to make the delivery to a family that has been in a long season of financial stress.  We get the joy of being the voice that says 'the Lord has provided - for you!'

Blog to Introduce: Long on Staying.....

I met Emily last year through blogging.  I re-read this post today and wanted to share her story and her heart with you here.....she is a student and a traveler..a lover and a child of God.

Last year she wrote

Tuesday, February 9, 2010



I am sitting at a table in Caribou Coffee, in Wheaton, Illinois, watching the snow fall out the window. I am sticking my hair in a bun, pen held between my teeth, absent-mindedly looking through Grooveshark for good tunes for the afternoon. I am doing my reading for my graduate Abnormal Psychology class: from The Clinician's Handbook. This subsection: how to look for signs of physical abuse in a child...


"...There are a number of common physical signs of physical abuse. Burns of all types should cause concern, especially cigarette burns..."


...And I am cooking with the girls, we are laughing and chopping vegetables and the radio is playing reggaetón loudly, we are dancing. I grab one's hand to lift over her head and twirl her around. Without thinking, I gently rub my thumb across the round mark on her forearm, just above her wrist, as I set her hand back down. Faded but still raw looking. There are more on her upper arm, there are more on her back. I've seen them, hoping she doesn't notice my eyes linger- as she chats, cheerfully, as she throws her shirt in her laundry basket and pulls on another one, as she tells me about her morning and what she's going to do for the rest of the afternoon.................link here to read the rest.


I love Emily because she went to Bolivia and saw the beauty as well as the hard things. If you are fighting the apathy of middle class safety and comfort may I recommend a few short posts here?  scroll back a few pages to 2010 and see why she would take her only spare time this summer and head back....

A Fourth of July Crammed Full And Overflowing......

Fireworks in Grandma Joyce's front yard with a shared dessert table and neighbors pulled in......

Perfect weather and well rested children.....

Spin -  Our virtual 12 child this summer in the orange shirt....a day of stability and safe fun for him as a break from his otherwise upside down and out of control world.......

The day started with early morning strawberry picking ........

Which was really hard for some kids...but hiding under Dad helped.

 

                                            Followed by doughnut eating....

                                   which no one seemed to have trouble with.

And huge amounts of strawberry eating....

And a little danger as the neighbor lit this memorial lantern and it got caught in the trees...while still lit!

And at 10:00pm the amazing migration of a hundred of our neighbors to one corner where we can watch the large fireworks display over the city.  I love the casual dynamic of sharing the close of the holiday with people we know - quietly talking, kids playing, big boys (previously naughty boys who are now growing up) lighting off special 'big' fireworks that they have saved.  It is good to take a break and enjoy an evening with the people who lives are woven together with ours - both the easy and the hard ones.

Turbo Tax 2010....A Good Laugh For All Those With Adoption Refund Audit.......

I finished my taxes in Turbo Tax last night just because I like to have all the years accessible through the on-line storehouse.  Back in March I caught the calculating mistakes their program was making and abandoned them for the 'official' filing.  Even though I downloaded all of the Internet updates before snapping this photo Turbo Tax still listed my potential for an IRS audit at the bottom end of low.  Pretty funny when the IRS is pulling more than 58% of the families who are claiming the adoption refund this year for audits.  I think Turbo Tax is a little off on this one...........

Hint On The Blogger Refusing To Let Us 'Comment' Problems............

In case you are running into the same endless circle of ---  blogger sign-in to comment then back to sign-in again and again and again --- problems on the blogs you read  I have been working around it by choosing Anonymous under the identity options (vs blogger or anything else.)

OR....as a commenter suggested (and seems to work) unclick the 'keep me signed in' box on the sign in page.

The Sunny Side Of The City...........

 Minneapolis is a beautiful city and our house is situated within easy walking distance of the Downtown core.  Here are a few shots from our early morning walk this Saturday....we toured our own back yard, enjoyed fresh bagels and walked the legs off the kids. 

Becoming The Specialist.....

Carrie asked over on her blog about the reality of finding professionals who really 'get' our more mentally + physically complex kiddos - particularly the ones with FASD's.

The challenge our family has faced with this is that there is no true 'team' approach to the management of the FASD/ASD/Adoption related issues in our current medical system.  Each symptom has a specialist who manages it and few of them are working closely enough with each other to create a whole picture of each child.  They are like the team of blindfolded people trying to describe an elephant based on what they can stand in one place and touch.  Everyone thinks they know, but no one really has enough information to do a great job.

Because of this, we have chosen to become our own 'whole child' specialists and so far it's working. I have found that there is a huge amount of myth and ignorance within the medical community regarding FASD,  which means that I often end up doing a lot of educating on the realities of life as we visit each new provider. 

Miseducation aside, there are also a large number of otherwise competent medical professionals who totally disregard the brain damage and behavioral challenges of persons with FASD's - we encounter them regularly and have learned that they do not make good members of our team.  More honestly... I tend to run quickly from their offices and never return as their input is rarely compassionate and they usually end up passing negative judgement on our parenting methods. (Which of course they know all about having just spent ten minutes with us in a clinic appointment. :)

So what do we do? We don't look for 'perfect' providers anymore.  We do look for those who are good researchers, great listeners, and who are committed to our kids in the long haul.  They don't have to know everything, but they do need to see us as partners in the care and diagnosis of our children rather than as meddling parents.  We live with these kids 24/7 and there is no way any of our professionals can comprehend the scope of our kids needs in the average 15 minute office visit without really hearing what we (as parents) are saying.   Broken arm?  Sure they don't need to know much more than what they can see.  Heart failure?  Ok - jump into action - no parental input required.  Anxiety Disorder? Learning Disabilities? Psychotic episodes? RAD ? FASD related behavioral issues? ADHD secondary to FASD?  Though each one can be treated in isolation they are not lived one at a time. They overlap and play off each other.  They morph and twist and disappear depending on developmental phase and situation. Our kids are complex and we love them best when we pay attention to the fact that they need us to know them intimately...and so much better than any doctor ever could.

Ever Throw Money Through A Dark Window?

As Americans we have tax deductible receipts, check able references, blog addresses and a thousand different ways to check the 'validity' of the causes and individuals we donate towards.  One of the lessons I have recently learned is the joy of freely releasing portions of our income. Not that we are against 'regular' gifts through traditional channels - but there is a difference when we truly release our money to help those in need without strings, without proof, and at times as if we are throwing it tied to a brick through an dark window.  It's about trust.  Trust that we are not making a mistake when we see a need and respond immediately and intimately to it.  Trust in the Spirit moving us toward the acts of compassion laid before us.

 Today we threw a brick through a window in the virtual yurt of this family.  She and I grew up together and in the past year have walked through a bizarre and confusing maze based on her humanitarian/missionary efforts on the other side of the world.  Today there was a financial need...we closed our eyes and agreed to meet it because our hearts could not simply ignore the suffering.  Just like our love for the Martindale's, we can not simply sit by and say 'do well,' 'live in peace,' 'heal,' without taking an active part in relieving their physical needs. We have to do what we can - regardless of if there is a receipt, a paper trail or if it seems like nothing more than throwing money into darkness. 

Compassionatly we stepped out to help her when the opportunity arose - would you be willing to stand with us in prayer that the $800 beyond that would be met?  Praying for this need, which needs to be concealed for the time being, to be covered, so that their healing can begin.

Dry Run: Elijah's Next Journey Begins........

Yesterday Mark and Julie came though to check out their new urban fridge after visiting the hospital which will soon become their second home. It was good that there was already a Culvers gift card in there waiting for them - it had been a tiring morning at the hospital with Elijah and lunch was the next thing on their agenda. 

  If you are reading this please pause and pray over this little guys journey - change and disruption are not two words that fit easily into his emotional framework - and he is about to enter a season where nothing is normal or predictable.