Spring Always Comes.......

  I left Minneapolis feeling like this

honestly it had been a LONG winter

a pounding series of events that left my heart

and my brain

and my margin

worn just a little too thin.

 

Nothing catastrophic in the real sense of the word.

more like the slow dripping sort of tension

that makes snow in May even worse than usual

the sort of thing that brings new meaning to cabin fever.

 

Where you wake up and have to choose joy

choose love

choose to do the next thing.

Because, in reality, that is life sometimes

everyone's life.

Not just my crazy over the top one.

 

And now that season is loosening -

like the snow it is melting and

 I can breath a sigh of relief

stretch my legs a little

straighten my back

bring my eyes up out of the daily grinding battle

and look back into the hills.

 

It is good.

I am free.

I am always free

because I have confidence in who I am at the core.

so that when the winds come

and the darkness deepens

and the storms that seem to last forever settle in

I am not afraid of loosing myself.

though

I might get tired

or sad

or scared

or very

very

lonely

 I am always me.

No matter what.

 

And Spring always comes.

 

 

 

 

(Six hours and 1600 miles after leaving mn my smile is back and my shoulders are dropping....feeling the winter melting away in the Seattle sunshine and sangria!)

 
 
 
 

Friday Funnies: From Don't Touch The Gun to Where's Mom?

No question about it - it's been a wacky week.....temperatures ranged from the 40's to an amazing high of 98'  - to celebrate we exposed our winter bodies to the early summer rays and investigated the spring kill-off of fish.  It was also the open house at 2nd precinct so we took the seven youngest to see all the cool things that our police officers use.....as you see ....Laughter is practicing the game....

Don't touch the Gun!.  This Gun?  This one? 

Yes - as an annual event this is one that might make even the strongest amongst us waiver and reconsider taking the crew too....but I almost always seem to. :)

 That was Monday and Tuesday........

Now it's Thursday leaning into Friday and I'm 1600 miles away overlooking the waterline of Puget Sound in my moms spare bedroom.  Wow.  What a different view from my usual local.  It's a much needed break for me and a little time to help her sort things as she moves further into the downsizing process.  Its a Friday funny just because I am not at home...for the first time in a really, really long time.

 

Are You Afraid Of Violence In Your Home? (Not a serious Post)

It has to be my favorite question asked at the endless series of well-child visits we have had over the 17 years and 11 kids worth of checklists.....
"Do you have any concerns regarding violence in your home?"
Concerns?
Seriously?
I live in a house with 7 boys -  many of whom have impaired decision making abilities and ADHD.  I'm pretty sure that they don't spend a lot of time having tea parties on the back patio their brand of fun runs toward sticks and rocks and speed.  Violence is probably a better descriptive word than many and these are some pretty sweet, tender hearted guys.  But they are all guy - no question about it.

Take Tender - who is about to be renamed - he needs a six year old man name... (Any good ideas for #9?) At about 11:30pm last night I stretched out my foot and made contact with a pile of long bolts under my covers.  It only took me about 30 seconds to figure out he had removed them from the bunk he shares with his brother.
Sigh.
Of course I had to get out of bed and ensure that the four important ones that stop the top bunk from falling into the bottom one were in place. (two out of four were in my hand so it was worth the effort.)
But really? 
Seriously boys? 
Am I worried about violence in the home?  Not so much....but the random testosterone driven dismantling of things has caused me a heart palpitation or two over the years.  Like taking apart outlets and wiring, removing doors, cutting off light switches, unscrewing chairs and removing the bolts from beds. This is what I'm talking about --this is the fun stuff of life. :)

Monthers Day Winners Are.... 3 and 7!

 

Is it you?  I have to go check my lists and translate those numbers into names......

 

The first winner is El and the Second is Mommy Linda. 

Congratulations ladies!  And a happy post Mothers Day Monday to you! 

If you would please email me your mailing address - even if I already have it- I will make sure they are on their way ASAP. 

(It's safe to use the comment tool as all comments are moderated :)

 

Giggles On Me......

Ha....this  mom thought she could salvage the 'church coffee' on Mothers Day by bringing her own GFIC personal size tub of creamers and adding a little more flavor to the otherwise weak (but economical!) brew that is offered on Sunday mornings.  My sneakiness was revealed as I handed out pens to the kiddos at the start of the sermon today and realized that the trickle down my leg was A. not caused by the potty training toddler....B. not a spilled communion cup C. not my own tears at the realization that my daughter who had just finished singing was old enough to have a boy friend....nope.  That trickle was a punctured creamer or two ....drip...drip..dripping through the bottom of my Eagle Creek bag and tricking into my favorite knee high boots.

Of course.

It was the perfect mothers day moment. :p

I had super sticky stuff running down the inside of my leg and NOTHING I could do about it.

Sort of a real-life picture of what being a mom is all about.  Out of control sticky stuff...all over me.  But it wasn't really a problem - shoot - I know a real problem when I see one and this didn't even stink a little but like a REAL problem...in fact it was a blessing in disguise because I got to leave church for a few minutes - all by myself to go dump my purse in the sink and rinse off the pens, my gfriends got a giggle, and in Gods good plans Caribou messed up my friend Jan's BOGO drink order so an hour later I was handed  a frozen frothy mint drink to replace the tepid church coffee I had resigned myself to drink with a happy heart. 

Happy Mothers Day Friends ..............Five More hours to enter the giveaway for my favorite adoption book!

24 Hour Mothers Day Give Away...Starting NOW!

It's almost Mothers Day and I get the fun of giving away two copies of Stacy Manning's  book Adoptive Parent Intentional Parent: A Formula For Building And Maintaining Your Childs Safety Net.  She has them in her hot little hands and 24 hours from now I am going to have our wildest child choose two commenters names to send them off  too.  The first from a list of you who comment to this post with "I want to read the book. " and the second from a list of those who comment "I want to share this book with a friend."  OF course - you might fall into both catagories....so you can leave comments that say both ...perfectly acceptable in our world.

Ready.... Set...Go!  I promise to get the names off to her before the next Manic Monday dawns so that you can have this awesome book in hand ASAP.  Blessings to all of you - and a happy Mothers Day.

Five Life Goals.....

A few weeks ago my friend Erin posted five of  her life goals and asked readers to share some of theirs over at her blog Going to the Sea..... I tried to comment but I had set my Besecure internet blockers so high that nothing (as in not even the administrative over-ride password with super security clearance and death-ray crashing reboot on the computer) could let me post comments on her blog.

Not that there is anything even remotely offensive on her blog.  Unless you happen to hate God or people.  Then it might offend you...I just had a momentary need to 'throw up the fortress walls' and set the 99.9% level over our internet usage until I could get enough margin to reconfigure my brain and figure out how and where the new gaps were in our safety net to control adult and dangerous content...

It was that....or carry the modem in my purse...which gets a little crazy and unreasonable when running a seven laptop network with ten users. :)  But hey...no one ever said my life (and me for that matter -were anything but crazy.)

But I think I digressed.......
I'm right now I am writing a post......
On the internet!!!!!
Which means I have margin to.......
A. get the blasted besecure down to a level that it would let me back into blogger. (whoot!)
and
B. margin to actually stop and write something beyond appeals to denials for the same medications that has been denied HOW many times already? (but we still haven't exhausted all of the appeals to the denials....outside review board level this week now if anyone wants to pray.)

So I thought I would write down my five things........

OF course the first thoughts were strictly off the cuff.....and reactionary to life as I know it.....
1.  To sit down with all 11 of my children at a meal and not have a drink go flying.
2.  To go to the bathroom during daylight hours without someone talking to me.
3.  To sleep through the night without someone thinking I must be dead.
4.  Ha.. How about staying alive.
You get the gist...sort of reactionary to irritants. :)  Human reaction sort of goals.

But with two weeks of building and compounding irritants between those first silly thoughts and this moment,  my fingers are slower...my heart less raw.  I'm sure the last two snowstorms pushed me over the edge and the sunshine has pulled me back.

My five life goals?  The things I want to pray over....to pursue and write on my heart?  They are still not as deep as I would like them to be or as strong but they are here like mustard seeds....quietly sprouting and sending out roots into my life.

My first life goal is to remember. Since seventh grade I have kept journals or notebooks or blogs to help myself remember the stories of people and places and God's seen and unseen hand at work in the world.  My goal with words is to remember the things that God has done and what I have seen.

My second life goal is to care.  It's easy to stop caring.  Last week in India 100 girls were rescued from the sex trade because 'normal' people like us cared enough to get uncomfortable in our own lives and start working to set them free. I talk about addiction, poverty, crime, mental health and po~n all the time with our crew. As middle class American's it's too easy to not care about people who have it 'harder' than us.  My life goal is to make my intentional caring now so much a part of my life fabric that it's second nature...that it wont be intentional...it will simply be who I am by the end of my life.  My goal is to make caring as normal as breathing...God cares about us - that is what the whole Jesus thing was/is all about.  I want to Care.

My third life goal is to move toward suffering.  Human nature - my nature - is to move away from pain, suffering, hurt and ugliness.  My life goal is to continue (in Gods strength) learning how to move - in love - toward my own and others suffering.  I am surrounded by amazing people who are walking down roads I don't understand - usually because I am afraid to ask.  My goal is to learn a new dance - one that is more comfortable leaning into suffering than leaning away from it.  I don't want to be afraid of pain.

My fourth life goal is to love always.  I don't want to love when things are easy or good.  When I am happy or when people do things I like.  I want to love at all times - understanding that love is a choice - a decision and a commitment that is fluid and has boundaries. Love says I will, I do and I am.  Love is yes.  I want to love the people in my live not just tolerate them.

My fifth life goal is to be real from now until I die.  I don't have the time, energy, interest or honestly desire to 'act' perfect any more.  Therefore.....I am officially releasing myself from the American housewife dream trap.  If I gain ten pounds, never dust, bathe the children only when they smell really bad and change sheets on beds never except under extreme duress - I'm calling it good.  And I am doing it publically.  My new life goal is to be real....all out real.  Sometimes I need coffee, sometimes I need wine and sometimes I just need to throw a huge honking temper tantrum REAL.

I guess it would have been easier to just have goals like write a book, ease a friends pain, and add beauty to the world....but shoot - how would I I have filled the last half hour of my day if I had done that? :)

What five life goals do you have? Will you share?

Blessings over your day - overwhelming and abundant joy in the journey.

(Sort Of )Working With The Mob.......

I am a child of the child of the 80's.  I was taught to use my solid education and quick brain to move effectively through the workplace in ways that maximize my productivity, potential and outgoing personality.  I am a winner by nature, absolutely confident and happiest when hard at work....a combination that has always proven successful for me in the past and when it hasn't I am perfectly ok admitting to failure - cutting my losses - and moving into an area that is more aligned with my skill set.

Monday I realized that I have been given a 'new' job which is going to stretch every single atom of my abilities.  I am my children's advocate with the county and in general, they (the county) think I am utterly incompetent.

It was an awesome slap to my upper middle class - deep end of the gene pool - I have an above average intelligence and can think faster than many people sort of arrogance.

Yep.

Monday I spent the day on the phone with people who were surprised that I could purchase my children's medication with a credit card, had the ability to fax documents and understood what it meant to request a non-formulary appeal through our insurance company.  I was hung up on, told in no uncertain terms how stupid I was and informed several times that I had not done the very specific thing I had done (the non-formulary appeal...to be exact...but I wasn't supposed to know what that was and I absolutely wasn't supposed to be talking to management at both of our insurance providers :)

Monday afternoon I realilized that no matter how bad it gets I can't ever quit this job.  Because after every Monday battle comes a Tuesday with more of the everyday stuff that has to be done ....shoot .....this week I had to email and ask for authorization for replacement glasses for one kid, and a safety upgrade for another - less than 24 hours after the whole hang-up-call event.  I wasn't in the mood - but I had to get my game face back on and get back in there. Because that is my job.

Which is not the was the 80's taught me.
No way.
The 80's taught me to get what I could out of a job and split.
To stay as long as it was good....and then move on.
To be sure I left before the bridges burned...and to be sure I wasn't caught in any cross fire if there was a coup.

This isn't that sort of job.
This is more like being married to the mob
I can't ever leave
at least until my kids don't need me to advocate for them anymore
(for several that means I become too old - or they have another advocate)

I can't burn these bridges
I can't stomp and scream
I can't yell
or tell
and say the things that burn in my mouth
on Monday
I have to find new ways
to do it
which is exciting
(in a strange sort of way)
because I have always...always
been able to power through this stuff in my strength
but now I am on the other end
the powerless end
the weak end
the silent end
and I have to learn
a new way
because I (my kids)
have so much to loose
if I start burning bridges
and slamming doors
and so much to gain
if I can find a gentler way
a different way
through this new landscape
where I am no longer the golden child
but simply
a welfare case number
which is ok.

Yeah, Well, I Live With Eight Men........

May the Fourth be with you.....(5/4/13) that's all for this morning. :)

Friday Funnies: It's a Magical Medication!

After several quiet months I experienced another week of unusual neurological symptoms mid-April which causing my team over at the University to take a closer consideration of either silent migraines or seizures. As part of that I have started taking Topiramate - a medication which can be used to help prevent both.  When I looked it up on Wikipedia (the source of all funny medical information) I learned the following......

-It is also used to treat meth 
          and cocaine addictions
               to  treat alcoholism
                  aid in smoking cessation
                    and treat OCD
  It has been used as a mood stabilizer (that might really be helpful!)
                  it helps with bulimia nervosa (and binge eating)
                                   and in the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder
                                          as well as Bipolar Disorder.
Shoot.
No matter what's really wrong with me this medication has a plethora of  ways it can be applied....and just reading the Wikipedia article made me feel better.  Which qualified it as a Friday funny for me.

We made it through another week team....good job!