Thanks For The Bread Mix!

Thanks to whomever sent the Pamela's baking mix from Amazon (no name on the box.) I have a loaf in the oven as I type and it smells amazing (would have used the bread maker but it said quite specifically NOT to use the bread maker with this mix if you were using faux eggs....since I was out of real eggs I resorted to the old - put it in the oven - method. 

Having it arrive today was a double blessing as two of the babies look like they might have strep again (little brown bodies covered in that darn rash at bath time) and I am most likely house bound with them tomorrow instead of going to church....baking is a good option.

Another Sucessful Tournament......Thanks Master Torabpour for Hosting!

TKD is one of the special areas where our kids FASDs and ASDs don't necessarily eliminate them from competition.  We do have to adapt things a bit - I don't register them to compete in events that cause too much stress, never allow them to wander far from my watchful eye and there is that ever present specter of a melt down or SPD fit that could send the day into a tailspin.  But this time it went smoothly....even Kudu's migraine held off until we were home so we didn't have any strange blindness or overwhelming pain to manage.

   

The tournament  we attended today was hosted by Master Torabpour of NTI Owatonna  and is our favorite on several levels.  First it is entirely predictable - perfect for our kids with anxiety issues.  No changing mats, strange rules or loud music.  Second - it's a family friendly, inexpensive way for all of our kids to get the opportunity to compete - even the non-competitive ones.  Third - I appreciate the fact that Master Torabpour is an outgoing friendly guy that remembers us and appreciates our kiddos.  And I love the way he prays at the opening of each tournament and sets a humble and relaxed atmosphere for the day.

Score keepers didn't mind the girls watching..

Everyone had excellent competition - that's my blurry princess in the red with her second place trophy

Even Speed stepped up and managed with only one 5 minute meltdown.

Since Star is 13 now she got to compete with the 'big' kids.  Just looking at the size difference between her and Steam makes me proud of her nerve.  She was the only one in our famil hurt - she blocked a kick with her wrist  and sprained it.  Thankfully not the one she broke last summer!

The team with a fresh stock of trophies...

River and Wind were on great behavior - following the instructions of their judges and remembering all the basic rules of safety.

What Do We Know.....

 On some of our hardest weeks as a family it feels as if I am running down a set of tracks with a train chugging along behind me - this week was more like I was the cow stuck on the tracks in a blizzard.  It hasn't been horrific - just totally unplanned, out of my control and a whole lot of work to get through.  The good news is that today feels like the end of it (I could be delusional) 'all' I have to do this morning is take the oldest 8 kids to a TKD tournament an hour or so away..... and...... well....survive. (and bring them all home!) 

Monday started on the positive side. My friend Dawn sent us a bread maker (THANKS DAWN!) which arrived Monday night.  Mondays this spring have gotten a whole lot more fun since our friend Madeline  has been coming over to the Crowded House and spending the evening while Daddy takes the boys to scouts.  This week we sat in the kitchen floor, ate peanut butter and veggie straws and watched the bread maker make bread.  A good way to end a Monday.

The week ended on a high note also with our homeschool co-op and an afternoon spent relaxing at our friends home about an hour out of town.  Everyone got to ride the lawn tractor, play in the woods and enjoy the warm sunshine.  On the way home we stopped at Mikes - our favorite discount foods store and found that they had many GFCF treats on sale and wonderful prices on super fresh produce this week.  Cases of strawberries for $5, soy yogurt for $2.99 a case and six pounds of fresh tender asparagus for $3.00.  Yeah!

In between Monday and Friday the week was less fun.  A meeting with the owner of the Old House on Wednesday didn't end with a more solid purchase agreement - rather it ended with the possibility of us renting it off the table and potentially the interest in selling also.  Disappointing but not crushing. 

The not-fun portion of the week also included an emergency MRI for Kudu the second time he lost his vision on Thursday morning.  He's neurologically unusual to begin with - but having his ears start aching/ringing and then his sight totally go for two hours (with no pain) is a new game entirely.  On the positive side the MRI turned out completely 'normal'  (no tumors) and I am thinking we are seeing something in the migraine realm....though what I have no idea!

There was more of that not-fun in the middle of the week but the crew is up now and clamoring for food so the rest will have to wait until it needs to be dealt with....except for praying over the friends and strangers in Alabama.

True Confession.....

I confess - it's early am and instead of quiet prep for a busy day I am up cruising Royal Wedding pre-events on the computer.  As the daughter of a Brit I was 11 or so when Diana rode her carriage to meet Charles and I feel a little of that same thrill now.  Congratulations to the happy couple - may God bless your union!

Out Of Control....

Eighteen years ago I was 25 years old, power hungry, successful in all the ways the world says I should be and spinning in hopeless circles as I realized that my life was out of control and I couldn't change it.  My husband (soon to be ex) was in the process of moving out and there was no way I could stop the fast train he was leaving on - it wasn't my choice to make.

For the first time in my life I couldn't argue, logic or power through the situation - I was hopeless and came to a dark place where I realized that many things were beyond my control.  In that season I came to understand that there was a God who had all authority in our world and that I was either going to work with his plans for my life or fight against them - toward ultimate and assured failure.  Crazy thoughts to those who haven't heard His voice - but in the end - comforting to me because I chose to follow Him.

It hasn't been all smooth sailing since then - but it has been a progressive journey and I have learned that the control freak in me has to relax and allow the boss to be in control, sort of an ongoing battle to keep my hands quietly folded rather than trying to grab the steering wheel out of his handsto head down a different path.

Fast forward to today.  I am at another powerless point in my life.  I can't change the things I don't like about our housing situation, our finances, our medical diagnosis or our ability to shape a peaceful life.  Shoot - I can't even pull out the next level of handwriting for our grade schoolers because it's in storage a thousand miles away. 

Life doesn't look 'good' but rather than falling into a pit of despair and hopelessness I have the assurance of knowing that it's not up to me to solve it.  I do need to do what I can, but these mountains are not going to move through my own determination or effort. 

What a relief. 

I know that there is no human way I can do what needs to be done and therefore I need to rest in Him.  This understanding (acceptance, confidence etc..) is exactly the difference between where I was 18 years ago as an unbeliever and where I am today.  It may sound trite - but I have done my best - and know that God is in charge of the rest.

Trusting in the one who called me out of darkness 18 years ago and planted the seeds for understanding and growing as my life spins out of MY control today.  But never out of His.

Still Hard....

It's another one of those weeks when everything is hard.  It's almost worse that there have been alternating glimmers of normalcy mixed in with the immediate need to function in crisis mode. The 'normal' moments just emphasize the challenge of  living in transition.  It's simply exhausting and I am just feeling worn down by the ongoing need to keep treading water...Not a cheerful note for this gray Minnesota day...but a glimpse into my tired heart.

Easter In The Neighborhood.............

Easter morning worship service was great, but even better was the entire rest of the day spent with friends and neighbors enjoying the special day of rest and rejoicing.

We all know that pork is traditional for the holiday - but our Latino neighbors took it to a new level today with their whole hog on a sawhorse.  I was fascinated with how they planned on cooking it from here so we kept close tabs on their progress throughout the day.  Guess how they cooked it? Propane torch!  With plenty of samples for our fascinated family that kept wandering over to watch the progress.....

 

The day lent itself well to playing outside with our neighbor kids and incorporating the extra wanderers as they drifted in. 

We designed our little afternoon candy and raisin hunt so that we could add as many extra kids as there were.  In the end we added four so there were a happy 15 scouring our yard and the neighbors. (To eliminate fights we all find the eggs and treats, make a pile on a blanket and then take turns choosing from the pile.)  One of the older developmentally delayed teen neighbors helped us hide the eggs and watched us for most of the day from his steps....separate but knowing there was a place if he wandered over.

After the egg hunt even Laughter scored a fistful of jelly beans.

And before dinner we piled into the van and took an hour off to walk a local lake and update our stick collection.

Today was also precious to me because I got to see two reclusive women who I  have know for 11 years and truly love.   Perched on her porch Joanne gave me a wonderfully bright and alert 'Hello Dorothy!' (As a severely disabled adult she has often run away rather than speak to me.)  The second gift was half an hour spent with Margaret - because the house is too small to prepare for an Easter Hunt without driving the kids crazy, I wandered over to her home and asked if I could sit and fill my plastic eggs on her lawn.  For 30 minutes this reclusive and timid widow sat with me as I worked and chatted her heart out.  It was soothing and encouragement to my tired soul......no question, it is good to be back where we belong.

What Our GFCF Life Looks Like..........

 Our diet right now includes 20 lbs of apples and oranges, 40 lbs of potatoes, 10 lbs of bananas, 5 pounds of onions and a mess of garlic each week.......only small amounts of GFCF pasta and bread because it's so expensive and endless steamers of rice.  We break up the fun with whatever meat is on sale, lots of beans and shelf stable rice and soy milk. 

 This week we had a little extra variety when we were blessed with two delicious loaves of homemade non-wheat bread from our friend Beth on the very same day an unexpected honey baked ham graced our table...the first sandwiches in five weeks!

Eggs.....75 or so boiled this morning....about 30 eaten for breakfast and the rest dyed for Easter lunch.

And no lack of fun to be had with the 100 oz cans of food here in the house.  Here boy #5 is driving his 'food truck' and delivering bulk goods to his favorite feeding station in Africa.

Some Weeks Everything Is Hard......

This has been one of those weeks when everything is hard, nothing runs smoothly and I'm pretty much exhausted before I even stop to think that Sunday is the next thing on the agenda.  Easter Sunday with chaos and fun, disorder and an extra bouncy worship service.  I have to admit I'm just not there yet....I'm feeling more of the weight of the cross than the freedom it brings through Christ. Which means I need to break away by myself and read through the gospel accounts of what happened on that amazing morning when the stone was rolled away.  I need to let the joy seep in between the edges of this week, into the cracks, over the sadness until it is overflowing the dry channels of my heart.

It's been a week when everything was extra hard and I need to be refilled before I can be poured out again...........

Silent Migraines?

Watching my 11 year old son over the past few weeks I have come to the slow realization that he is having Silent Migraines or Migraines Without Pain.  Piecing together the eye and ear pain/twitching/ringing, extreme sensitivity, irritability and just plain exhaustion into a single picture - I think that this poor guy might be experiencing these painless migraines and we have been dismissing them as part of his other disorders.  

Update...Kind of, Sort of, Maybe....

Thanks for all the prayer and encouragement over our next housing decision - as of today it looks (Lord willing) as if we will be able to move into our Old House and rent it with a contingency to buy it as soon as the Colorado Springs house sells and we get our tax refund.  Plenty of things there to pray over - lots of 'ifs.'  But as of today it looks like the plan we are acting on.

Healthwise-we have all recovered from our round of Scarlet Fever and now are facing a new stint with a tummy bug.

Dietwise - GFCF is getting easier. Five weeks into the experiment we are all adjusted to the necessary changes.  No huge dramatic behavior changes to report but smaller things that make us wonder.  (Improved speech, quicker brain processing, sharpened pain receptors (where they were dull.)  Committing through the month of May.

IRSwise - Having a drama queen moment with the CA Tax Advocate who was assigned to our case made me feel better and caused her to laugh  - it was well deserved - she did ask me to FAX over all of those things we have now sent to the IRS HOW many times?  (Think the next letter will be 'catching' us for claiming 33 kids on our taxes?  That would be 11 x the three sets of paperwork they now have.)

Grandpa Johnny - For all of you who are concerned that we have been living here in the Crowded House with him - be assured that he is safely in Texas where he moved after an injury last Fall.  His house was vacant in January so we are renting it until we sort life out.

The Crowded House - It isn't so bad now that we are all used to it and the little ones are getting trained not to shout so much.  The noise was the biggest adjustment at first...even normal voices echo in here.

That's all for today - I'm dreaming of a diet coke as my treat for surviving a $400 grocery trip with the whole crew to COSTCO at noon today....it was necessary but a little unnerving.

FASD And The Teen Years (By Julie..)

Oh yeah..I'm thinking we are getting somewhere great with this blog circle of FASD reality at different ages toddler  , toddler/preschool, grade school, teen.   Who's going to tackle baby (I might - I have survived enough of them) or adult?   The new one today is Julies post on teens with FASD.  I know and love all 11 of her kiddos and these two teen treasures are particularly precious.

Living Through The Gradeschool Years With FASD.......

I want to write this post
but then again
I don't.

I want to share the truth
but many,
many,
many,
people.
Don't want to hear it
wont agree
will say icky things
about me
about my lack of trying
my need to trust more
my refusal to use the 'professionals'
my obvious lack of faith.

And in my heart I realize that for the moment I will have a taste of what my kids with FASD endure all the time....from people who don't understand.

So here I go: FASD and the Grade school years.
Ick.  Toddler hood with kids who have a FASD isn't very much fun.  They are often destructive, rough, hard to train, prone to escalate.....and often times not a lot of fun to parent.  But they are also small (you can pick them up and carry them when they start a rage) and have a limited world where they can cause chaos.  The other positive factor of toddler hood is that almost every where they go,  any bad behavior on their part is blamed on the parents - unless the observer is also parenting kids with FASD's - then blame isn't cast but knowing smiles are exchanged.

Parenting toddlers with FASD's is hard...and when they get to school age it can often get harder. (Sorry to all you optimists.)  I wish it wasn't so, but the simple fact that they are moving into the larger world means more complications.  Conflict is no longer primarily with mom and dad, siblings and neighbor kids - now it's with teachers (substitutes), huge numbers of kids on the playground, unstable social dynamics and rapid maturation of their peers.

It happens fast - by halfway through our sons Kindergarten year we saw that he wasn't able to keep up with a traditional K materials so we backed up and added in another year of preschool.  If he had been in a public school it would have led to a quick intervention and much pressure being brought to bear on him and us.  He has very little short term memory - a serious issue when trying to learn letters, numbers, classroom rules and remember what the teacher just said.  It took me years to realize exactly what this meant but understanding and tailoring his world to help him (vs follow an arbitrary standard) has made our journey much easier.

I have a million things to say about FASD and the grade school years but in order to spare you I think it all boils down to this.

FASD's are present at birth (as in birth defects) there is no medical 'cure' for them and in fact, daily living and stresses often cause secondary behavioral and mental health issues to manifest - regardless of the home situation.  There are medications to help with the anxiety, raging and ADHD elements but they may not work well for any given child and there is no promise they will change anything.   Let me repeat that.  Drugs might not help- your child may be out of control at times (or much of the time.)  Which means that the impulse control aspect is nothing to be ignored - a toddler without impulse control is irritating, a grade school child or teen can quickly become destructive, dangerous and cross the line into criminal behavior with no ability to stop themselves.  There is no guarantee that our kids with FASD will learn impulse control, no matter how hard we work on it and what parenting method we adhere to (of course they might - I am totally willing to be surprised on any of this!) 

FASD sucks. 
As parents to kids who have been hurt by alcohol - we chose to become their voice - their support - and their advocates - or we intentionally step back and become their judge.   I live life intentionally with my kids, I have no interest in judging them by the worlds, the churches or the schools standards - they will never measure up.  But I see their hearts and as we walk through the minefields of growing up together I want to be right next to them, holding their hands and offering suggestions as to where the next safe step is rather than standing at the edge of the field powerless as I watch them run haphazardly through the trip wires.

Which is an analogy which should make any mom with kids who have FASD's smile and much of the rest of the world wonder why I let my kids play in mine fields.

Go ahead.
Let rip on the comments...I have chocolate and a honey baked ham to back me up. (Thanks Joby!)  I can take anything (or if I can't I have that wonderful delete button so it's like it never happened. :)

They Didn't Forget Me: Todays Letters From The IRS........

Mail is fun - ongoing crazy letters from the IRS are NOT fun.  Today we received two separate letters acknowledging the documents we (re) sent them and they logged into the computer April 1.  Of course the content of the letters are in opposition to the information that I received verbally from them last Monday as far as process and timeline at this point....good thing I sent our 911 application into the Tax Advocate last week as this is only getting more confusing.

FASD And The Toddler Years.....

Carrie and Julie are doing a great job this week talking about FASD and the toddler years.  I'm up to my neck in living that season with a whole mess of them right now so my only input is this thought about parents 'knowing'.......

Most parents 'know' in their hearts if a child is not acting/developing/processing normally.  The most painful thing I have found is doctors and friends who out of hand dismiss a parents concerns as 'over protective,' 'parinoid,' and  'looking for trouble,' when they say something isn't right.  

The second most painful thing is to be told that every ones kids do it and theirs is actually right in the norm.  Believe me - almost everyone wants their kids to be normal - very few parents sit around dreaming up permanent brain damage for their kiddos and most of us would rather pretend our kids didn't have FASD rather than having to face the truth that they do. 

There is a third really hard thing that people tend to say (I think they mean to encourage- but it makes me want scream sometimes) which is "It's amazing what the brain can do to heal itself...this isn't a permanent problem by any means and they may outgrow it."  Can you see me beating my head on the table yet?  My new answer to that one is "yes, the brain is amazing, but I am not seeing many FASD adults walking around with a reversed diagnosis so I am assuming that it is a permanent disability."

Humm...guess I did have something to say about toddlers and FASD.  Believe me friends - if you say you think your toddler has FASD I will hug you to pieces and help you set up a network of people who will care and listen as you walk through the toddler years and on into the much tougher future phases with FASD kiddos.  Maybe I will write a post next on the gradeschool years and FASD......

Option A, Option B or Option C?

The house on the left is our Option A for our move out of the Crowded House

 the one on the right is Option B.

Option A is the house we lived in for 10 years and sold last year...our ability to purchase it back hinges (not totally but pretty closely) on it being appraised at the same as last year.  We and the current owner have no idea what it will appraise at because the market in our area is a bit wonky with foreclosures but that appraisal is happening at 4:00pm Monday (thanks to anyone who feels like praying.)

Option B (if A won't appraise - so the bank won't loan on it) is a house we looked at in January one block over in our neighborhood.  It's now in full foreclosure so the price is rock bottom - of course it's in rough shape and we would be starting all over again the 10 years of repairing and updating that we just completed on Option A.  But we could definitely live in it without too much work needing to be done right away which makes it a very viable option.

Option C.  Would be something that hasn't been revealed yet.  We are not hyper invested in either A or B and we know that often times God has revealed a C to us at what feels like the last moment...it feels like this week will be some sort of a shift in the equation - I am eager to see what the week brings.

Forget a Reasonable Bedtime.....There's Bread In The Oven!

Today marks four weeks on our GFCF diet - to celebrate we splurged on $200 of GFCF foods at Cub last night. (GFCF Bisquick, rice pasta, GFCF cookies to lessen the pain of no Sunday School snack...faux butter etc.)  I also made the emotional leap to trying out a recipe for GFCF bread.  This was huge for me since I have spent a good part of the past few years grinding our own flours and perfecting the whole wheat loaf.  Trying my hand at wheat free bread sort of felt like admitting this experiment might become a long-term reality...something I am still not quite ready to embrace.

Steam and I danced around our tiny kitchen this evening - assembling ingredients that made us laugh. Xathum gum and homemade not-flour which was a composite of strange ingredients like Garbanzo bean flour and tapioca starch.  It was with little hope that we created a pan out of foil (yeah - most of mine are in storage.) And tucked this mess into the oven.......

When we snuck a look at 30 minutes our attitude shifted immensely.  WOW! it looks and smells like BREAD.  Now at 9:00pm (30 minutes past lights out) we have thrown caution to the wind and are all up waiting for the delightful moment when we tear into our first homemade loaf in a month(corn bread doesn't count.)  The margarine is on the counter softening....and we are riding the wild edge of life.

Beware...Rocks Ahead........

 Palm Sunday.  A high point in the choral year and (I have to admit) a bit of a nightmare for me.  For those who's kids are 'typical' getting ready for events like this can be just routine - for kids who are not typical it can quickly melt into a horrific shooting-the-rapids sort of experience.  Change in routine, performance anxiety, self-doubt, the need to hurry through the Sunday morning schedule and be at church early....these are not thoughts that make me look forward to the day...in fact they are all orange warning signs that I need to be on the ball and one step ahead of the whole gang.  Good news was - through grace I was.  Snacks were packed (and the choir actually had GFCF treats so my kids were not left feeling deprived. THANK YOU!), sensory toys were in my bag tucked right next to the sound directing headphones and everyone had eaten breakfast.  It was a great day in church and everyone even made it through Sunday School....can I say again 'it is good to be home!' where I know that even if we had hit the rocks today we would have had help righting our canoe and not been left fighting the current alone.

Would You Like Instructions With This RX?

8:00 last night found me on my way back from the gun shop (trying out a new pair of shooting earmuffs for the kids with SPD's) and stopping in for our latest Rx at Target.  This one was for the tail end of the Strep party  - Laughter's super sore bottom.  Butt Paste is a special formula our pediatrician loves for this sort of thing and has been as common as Tylenol in our medication repertoire.

I almost lost it (in a good - wet your pants because you are laughing too hard - sort of way) when the new pharmacy tech asked me if I needed instructions with my Butt Paste. Ummmm....no thanks...I think I understand the logic of managing  sore baby butt - especially after 40,000 or so diaper changes in the past 14 years. :) But thanks for the laugh at the end of a really long day.

The Importance of 'Fit' in Adoption.....

'Fit' is an important concept in adoption - it can be a nebulous term - but within my definition it is the suitability of a family to a particular child. 

Some adoption combinations can be considered miss-fits - and often they are easy to anticipate.  Placing an African American child into a racially biased home isn't a good idea.  It isn't healthy for the child or the family and is likely to have long term consequences which might be avoided in another situation. 

Other miss-fits are harder to anticipate.  A learning delayed child being adopted by high-power intellectuals might be a miss-fit as might a physically challenged child being placed into a competitively athletic family.  Or they might just be the perfect fit for each other because of a new sense of awareness and appreciation for gifts and aptitudes beyond what the parents already know.

Miss-fits in adoption happen all the time, are critical to prepare for and very rarely spoken of.  Biological families that thrive on order and structure can easily be thrown into utter chaos with the addition of a child who could care less.  Adults that are used to quiet voices and polite respect can spiral into despair and desperation when faced with a child who uses 'R' rated words, tone and attitude in simple family interactions. Families that were once considered 'model' find themselves hiding the reality of their new challenges and having to rework their ideas of what is normal/acceptable/appropriate.  And if they don't rework them their homes can easily become layered in sadness and regret.

And it's all good.

Did I stump you with that?

It's all good?

Yep.  That wasn't a typo and it sure wasn't a social workers mistake in approving a particular match between child and family.

These mis-fits are a beautiful act of God which take sinful people and uses little (often hurting) children to show very clearly where the real, deep, core, darkest corner of our hidden heart issues are.

And it isn't just through adoption - it's often through biological children or spouses or whomever can get close enough to the real us to rub us wrong.  And wow... does it rub when we are treated with disdain and disrespect, when we are falsely accused and wrongly blamed, when the beautiful life we created for ourselves is ruptured and our self image is bleeding on the floor.  Which is pretty much what Christ promised those who follow him - that we would have trouble and trials, that we would be treated in all the ways we don't like and that no matter what we 'want' we might get just the opposite.

This weekend we pass Palm Sunday - because of where we stand in history we know that it is followed closely by the painful reality of the crucifixion and the amazing truth of Easter.  As I contemplate the rubs and the mis-fit relationships in my own life I am getting ever closer to embracing them as good...because they lead me further down that road that ends with Christ.

Five Things I Have Learned In Parenting Kids With FASD.....

The longer I parent kids with FASD's the less I am willing to claim to know.  I have already confessed to being an ex-parenting expert and now I have days when I am utterly clueless as to 'what to do next.'  There are a few basic principles that get me through the worst of those days ....I am going to share them here because maybe they can spare one of you a little of the learning curve.

1. A huge amount of the conflict between myself and our kids with FASD is created because I am trying to force them in ways they are not equipped or mature enough to go.   (Ummmm...that would be my ego getting in the way of good parenting.)

2. Most of what happens in our home that I think is 'negative' is not really personal -it's just reality.  I take it personally because I am way to self-centered.  (Hey that same ego again.)

3. My kids are great.  I have to enjoy them where they are at and not ever compare them to others because it's wrong. (Anyone see a theme here?)

4. Many people won't understand the realities of FASD and will be critical - some relentlessly so. With time they will either fall out of our lives or their eyes will be opened and their hearts turned toward us in new ways.  I don't have to prove or justify anything to them - I am walking the path the God set me on.  (Less ego - more God)

5. I am in this for the long haul - I can only do so much in any given day and I refuse to feel guilty for any unfinished chore, dirty dish or mountain of laundry.  I love people - messy people and that means my life will always be a little (or a lot) disheveled. (Ego? Die on the alter of the four room house with 13 people! There is no one to impress with this setup...nope:)

Report Cards and Reality.........

Homeschooling has provided our family the ultimate opportunity to step outside of cultural 'norms' and to create an environment where our kids thrive and learn at their own pace.  At the end of the school year (April-April for us) I try to create a report card/letter for each childs file sumarizing their progress, experiences and opportunities over the preceeding year.  Legally I am not required to do this - and when they hit 9th grade I will be generating a full regular report card for their transcripts - but as I sit today and consider what I will be including in each childs records I am happy with the progress we have made even though very few of the 'traditional markers' of a good school year will have been achieved.

Some of the things I am noting.......
"Completed the ENTIRE 2 year Take Flight dyslexia program with flying colors in 7 months."
"Learned to use words instead of violence to communicate anger."
"Accepted adult responsibility in a crisis and handled it well."
"Experienced the reality of moving cross country - twice - and the value of friends in our loves."
"Church shopped for 10 months and realized that there are huge differences between them."
"Learned to recognize scarcasm and not to like it."
"Developed a more flexible nature."
"Started medications to help ADHD and anxiety."
"Learned to read three letter words....finally!"
"Almost potty trained!"
"Significantly less oppositional."
"Learning to step outside of own self-needs to look at the needs of the larger family."
"Learned to play with siblings nicely...for the first time."
"Completed half a year of math! (Vs 1/5 - 1/6th before this)"
"Did several math assignments independently."
"Completed a full session of Vision Therapy - eyes now tracking together."
"Professed Christ and baptized."
"Impacted significantly by studying Don't Waste Your Life."
"Wrote the first essay, research paper and story for Co-Op and was graded well."

Very few of the things I am happy with from our school year have to do with finishing Algebra 1 or Reading 5 (which they all did according to their own abilities- this isn't my cop-out for not teaching them academics) but the things I really want to document are all about growing up, growing in faith and maturing in ways that would be harder to track or emphasize if they were gone all day in a traditional educational setting. 

I think the best thing I can say about this school year is that we found the right balance-even with all the chaos of moving everyone is still happy to settle down for study time and I have no regrets as we look forward to gearing up for the next year....except that so many of my resources are in storage - but that's another issue entirely!

It Was Monday, Lunch Was In The Oven, So I Called The IRS.......

Here's the update on our 2010/8839 saga......probably the last one for a while as we are being 're-qued' as of 4/1/11 -the date they received the receipts from our adoptions and copies of our adoption decrees.  Per Mr Lasota at the IRS our file will be assigned to a representative for review in 60-90 days.  So....that means that somewhere between June 1 and July 1 an actual person should look at it again and see if all the pieces got to where they belong this time.  Which will make me laugh as the person reviewing it will be in Fresno California and everything we have sent was to addresses in other states.

What have I learned so far?
1. Fax don't mail things in (or do both) you are cued from the date they receive them.
2. Send more not less documentation than they need this year.
3. Keep notes  - you may end up needing to call in a Tax Advocate and it helps.
4. Walk in faith - several refunds have now shook out regardless of the dates on the system and what people have been told.
5. Keep giggling - All we will get is a headache if we do anything else.

Update on the Adoption Tax 8839 Drama to Kick Off The New Week.....

I'm almost depressed - it's now been a whole 8 days since my last letter from the IRS and I'm missing their attention.  Call me crazy, but with the constant mail I knew that at least they were not ignoring me...now I'm on the other side of the fence wishing for some sort of news - be it a confirmation of things received, a request for more documentation or simply a change in status on the 'Where's my refund?' site.  Instead I have silence.

Our 2010 taxes were mailed from MN February 17th and documented into the system on the 24th.  It's now been 7 week since we sent them off and there really is no end date in sight.  We have resubmitted our adoption decrees and provided itemized receipts for each placement - and now we wait.

Scanning the Internet I see that most adoptive families with carry forward adoption credits are still in the same situation with estimated refund dates now set anywhere between June and September.  For fun, if I  have an open window tomorrow I will try calling the number that was on that last set of paperwork I sent into the IRS (to see what's up) and do a little more research on the Taxpayer Advocate Service, a step that many adoptive families are resorting to at this point.

Overall, I can't say that I see many refunds being issued yet.  There are a few - but mostly for adoptions finalized in 2010.  So we keep waiting, praying and searching the net.

Spring Hit's The City............

Snow mounds to almost green grass - it's time to move this crew outside!  In the amazing hand-me-down delivery from Julie  was a replacement slide for our folding climbing set which there isn't room for inside the Crowded House - but it's the perfect size for the side yard between us and the neighbors. 

Boy 5 and boy 6 LOVE the new stroller....

And make me smile.

So What's The Difference Between Me And Pioneer Woman?

So what is the difference between Pioneer Woman and me? I'm sure not much - we both homeschool, have to cook a lot, blog and use lots of garlic and wine when we are in the kitchen.  Of course her computer isn't perched on the only available eight inches of counter space...and her kitchen plus eating area would pretty much take up the entire Crowded House.  But other than that what's the diff?

It's probably something about reality - I suspect that if she set out to make  Chicken with Tomatoes and Garlic she ended up serving exactly that.  I started off on the same track tonight but due to circumstances beyond my control (that would be the 11 of them around my feet) I ended up with Chicken Salsa Chili.  Good news was that it was still a hit - but the joke was on me as I pondered recovery from a huge can of corn that had been inadvertently opened rather than the necessary tomatoes.

Still tasty, still GFCF, and still a good reason to perch on my bucket of unground wheat as I pondered the beautiful photos and recipes on her site while my dinner morphed from an Italian theme into a Mexican one.

Of course she probably doesn't get to sip her wine from disposable plastic children's cups or share a ten foot wide yard with the neighbors....the poor thing!

A Date With Dr Jones......

Three of our kiddos had the opportunity to participate in a FASD research study at the University of Minnesota today.  Thankfully Dearheart took the day off so there were two adults to tag-team the sick, the healthy, and the anxious through an extra long day which ended with these appointments.

 

Our first 'project' at the clinic was to spit into these cool plastic containers.  Lots of spit - which thrilled these two who are told constantly not to spit - because they do it in anger.

Then they each had their heads, faces, and hands investigated by Dr Jones for physical indicators of FASD.  He was lots of fun and had two other really personable doctors wortkng with him on data collection.

After the measurements it was 3D photo time....

The necessary approval of the photos......

And the creepy 3D made of clay sort of result.....

Followed up with a GFCF snack session....and the fun for them of knowing they are helping other kids with FASD as well as the chance to watch the mail for the $50 they each earned for participating.

Yes..No...Maybe.....

I feel another inappropriate giggling fit coming on.  Once again we are in the 'who knows' category as far as knowing where we are permanently landing here in the Twin Cities.  The rental option that looked so clear a week ago now looks murky and even the basic re-purchase of the Old House is again in question.  The giggle results from the crazy roller coaster of a year this has been - and the expectation that it will all work out in the end.  Whenever and wherever that end might be.

Blessings Heaped Up Around Me......

It's been a melodramatic week at our house - with Kudu's Migraine Monday and some sort of strange virus popping up in the younger crew on Wednesday, I have spent much of my time functioning in semi-crisis mode.  The fun of it has been an undercurrent of tangible blessings, perfectly timed, through and around it all. 

It started on Sunday when Carrie passed forward to us a good number of  size three diapers.  An item that became utterly necessary later in the day when Laughter started in on a serious bout of tummy upset and we 'blew through' all the ones we had in the house. (It was like a gift twice - I thought the ones she gave us were all gone but then more appeared in the bin where bath towels belong.)

The mid-week surprise was almost too much to consider.  It won't seem like that much to some moms - but to those of us who have many kid's and have learned to make do with whats available rather than invest in lot's of new baby gear - it was almost overwhelming.

The surprise came through my girl friend Julie, another mom to 11, and one of the few people I can say anything to and not worry about her freaking out.  She is also the last person I could think of who might bless me with an almost new 'spare' BOB Double Revolution stroller.  Not that her heart wouldn't want to...but like us..money isn't growing on trees and falling into her lap.

The truth is that I have had a serious stroller passion  (obsession)for years, though out of necessity and practicality have needed to deny all but the most practical options.  The BOB Revolution is not practical nor necessary in my life.....But oh how much fun!  In one delivery Julie provided me not only with my dream stroller (it can hold all three little boys easily) but also my very first new pack-n-play and a plethora of toys for my sensory seeking under the weather crew to enjoy.   Even the baby's diarea couldn't mess up the crazy smile on my face this morning.

Tangible encouragement seems to be the theme of the past two weeks - from Weldon taking care of the dryer and refrigerator to Carrie's diapers and Julies baby gear we have been cared for - in a season that could feel very desperate and out of control I feel instead the safety net of friends around us who care enough to get involved with our messy life - which is the real gift - the deep enduring relationships.

"I Would Be So Mad..."

Several times I have had friends ask me how I feel about my adopted children's biological mothers.  Usually the questions are about drug and alcohol use and run along the lines of "I would be so mad at them." or "Aren't you disappointed in them?" 

Strangely,  I can honestly say no.

We live in a fallen world. It isn't perfect by any means, and the more I learn about drug and alcohol abuse in America the less judgemental I am of those who fall prey to the lies we have so casually accepted.  My children's bio moms didn't drink during their pregnancies to hurt them - it wasn't personal - and from this distance I suspect that either they were controlled by an addiction or misinformed about the dangers.

I am disappointed, but in our culture rather than in an individual.  After all, as a community we still are putting the rights of the mother far ahead of the rights of an unborn child - right up until the moment of birth.   Once the umbilical cord is cut, it becomes a felony to give the child street drugs and alcohol - but up until that separation, it is simply a tragic fact.

But disappointed in the biological mothers of my children? 

No.  I am sad. I wish that they had not exposed these precious kiddos to tetragens in utero and that there wasn't the permanent reality of organic brain damage. 

But I can honestly say that there is not one ounce of anger, resentment or disappointment in me toward them.  Simply sadness..............

Loving Each One Best.......

Laughing,
As I wipe up spilled rice milk
that was thrown by a child
too old to be throwing cups.

Smiling
As a word, a concept, a thought
that has never passed my child's lips
emerges
as a sign of forward growth.

Sighing
as I teach
and reteach
and start again
on the social skills we need
to make friends.

Weeping with them
as they realize
for the first time
that they have
no friends.

Fighting
the impulse
to shake a child
who should know better
than to do...something...
but can't seem to stop
whatever the behavior is.

Understanding
that it isn't personal
it isn't intentional
(at least not in the way we think of intention)
and it isn't about success or failure
It simply is.

Trusting
that each day we will do
the things we need to,
live the moments we are blessed with
and release the things
that are not ours to carry.

Learning
to love each child best.
Not fairly
not equally
but simply best.

GFCF: It's All About What We Can Eat.....

Week three is well under way on our GFCF experiment here in the Crowded House.  With a few exceptions (like the fact that our ADHD and migraine meds have casein in them - any good ideas on that one?  I'm not ready to go without them....it wouldn't be a good idea at all!) we have eliminated all dairy and all gluten from our diet.   The kids are enjoying the 'luxury' items I am picking up to help ease the transition....natural suckers the size of dumdums pops are over the top exciting (since we have also been on a low sugar path) and the fantasy of potato chips has finally been fulfilled.

GFCF is a total shift in logic for me - gone are the usual fillers of milk, cheese, bread and pasta.  Now those are the 'exotic' things because the cost of GFCF substitutes are so much higher and what I used to limit - mostly fruit eggs and meat - are the fillers.  We are not counting calories or watching fat intake because there isn't much chance of us overindulging due to the limited selection of traditional quick food.  I guess that is what I am noticing mostly - the definition of 'quick food' is totally shifted.  Now quick food for a picnic is two pans of GFCF corn bread, 8 pears, 10 apples, three big bottles of water and a bag of store-bought kettle corn.  It's just very different from the way I have done things before and looking at what we are eating - not at all bad on many levels.

So what do we eat?  Almost everything from scratch.  Almost everything starts fresh.  Lot's of veggies and fruit.  Very little processed anything because most things are processed with gluten or casein.   Almost no food colorings or additives (since it all starts fresh.)  Less of the fats except in meat, nuts and fish because we eliminated the dairy and quick foods and actually less sodium because I am controlling every shake in every dish (since nothing is prepared.)

As creepy as it seems I feel like this experiment in GFCF is more like the opportunity to eat the way I really think we should - in my deepest heart - but have always been afraid to try because it looked too hard.  Three weeks in I can say that it feels like an opportunity not a burden to think more clearly about nutrition in our family and why we eat the things we do.....

No Child Left Behind: Not Good For Some Kids......

I am not a fan of NCLB - I am the first to admit it.  With kids who need years of effort to master simple concepts and fragile enough mental health to warrant careful handling I have no interest in them being held accountable in any way for a schools passing/failing rating - which is one of the reasons we have chosen to opt out of public education in this season.

My friend Kari (who I love/respect and who has chosen to work through the public schools) posted today on the reality of her daughters struggles managing life at the local school and the trauma created by standardized testing.  What Kari hit on is the difficult balance between a school needing to maintain funding and ratings while at the same time meeting the needs of the most challenging students. 

I have to confess I have total sympathy for her daughters teacher - I almost beat my head on the table today trying to explain place value again to an older child with FASD - I don't think that there is any amount of money I could be paid to do this job if I had to maintain a 'standard' of education for an abstract entity while at the same time considering the needs and abilities of the child.  Nope - for me this job has to be done for love...not money.

24 Hours = a New Day

It's amazing how different one 24 hour peoriod can be from another in my life.  While yesterday was a crash and burn - hold on with your fingernails sort of day today is almost the total opposite. 

The sun in shining the kids are happy, no one has a migrane and I am able to find humor in fried rice picnics (no sweeping up afterward) and the baby caught pillaging the bottle of Omega 3 from the refrigerator. 

Things actually shifted last night with Dearest taking the four oldest boys to scouts and  Madeline (a regular helper at our house recently) helping me to sew patches onto TKD uniforms.  It's those things - the patch sewing, form filling, meal planning, research completing tasks that  I have to set aside on the hard days and that tend to glare at me from the corner until I can lay hands on them again. 

Today has continued to improve - I even had margin to let the struggling readers work through this weeks fighter verse on index cards as well as doing science and math.  What a blessing to have a peaceful day following such a chaotic Monday!

Halfway Through A Monday (I'm Sure It's 5:00 Somewhere!).....

Structure, order, predictability, routine.  These are the four words which when applied consistently make our life run well.  Last week the key words were flexibility, chaos, disorder and crisis - not exactly the same thing - and the effect is definitely showing in my attitude toward this new week.  Adding to the normal stress of following the wrong four words was a second warming trend for our area and the reminder that as tiring as snow is....it's better than the mud pit that spring can bring!

Especially when the 1970's dryer gave up on Monday (just before this joyous mud fest) and I was left with piles of laundry that couldn't be ignored. 

Thankfully, by Thursday a new (1970's) dryer was found and installed by Weldon and we were back in business.   He also located and installed a new (maybe 1990's?) full sized refrigerator in the kitchen so I can go more than two days between grocery runs....it is good to have friends who care and think about these details...especially on Mondays like the one I am now officially half through with.

I thought I was ahead of the game (first sign of danger) I was aware ahead of time that sleet was on the agenda for this morning so I was prepared with a mindset of candles and soft music to ease the crews Monday reality.  Instead I hit the ground running at 5:30am with a blow-out baby diaper and the need to rush to the bank and deposit a check to cover the mortgage for the Crowded House. (How did we get to April 4th already?!) 

We were doing ok after that until Kudu woke up with a headache that soon turned into a full blown roll-around-on-the-floor and holler event.  Regular meds didn't help so at 10:00am I took the nuclear route (which I have avoided thus far) and filled his RX for migraine medication.  We have been trying to hold off and work through the GFCF diet without introducing any new meds but this was an emergency! (Defined as me sitting in Starbucks weeping into my coffee as I waited for his RX to be filled - it's not often I get overwhelmed to this point but that was where we landed this am.)

Good news was that with a lot of prayer, a few encouraging text's from friends (for me) and a little white pill he had shifted from and 8 out 10 on the pain scale to a 1 within 30 minutes.  I think this is one of the hardest parts of living with medically complex kiddos (particulalry his ASD/SPD stuff) - it's when the crisis arrives and they are not able to accurately indicate how bad it really is so you are guessing...praying...guessing...and hoping to gain an insight into what is happening with their bodies.  I love it best when the pediatrition looks at me and asks 'what do you thinks going on?' enough to make me break out in those inappropriate giggles again and long for five oclock.

GFCF: What is Hard....

Sunday School snack is hard...
Neighbor kids who want to share is hard....
No takeout, fast food and prepared food is hard.....(yeah it exists but who can afford it for 13?!)
Keeping this many pounds of fruit and veggies in the house is hard....
Filling the teens is hard.......
Keeping it fun is hard....
Remembering to care about everything is hard....

But it will be harder if I give up now and don't see this through.  This is an experiment in nutrition that we need to continue.....if only to eliminate it as a question.

DOA : Parenting Theory in the Crowded House.....

Fifteen years ago I was an expert in child rearing.  I had been raised in a moderate sized family, babysat younger siblings, read a broad spectrum of books and was six months pregnant with my first child.  I was confident in the parenting plan I was going to pursue (the debate of that year was Ezzo vs Sears) and knew exactly how I was going to manage the precious child that was due in July.  

My life plan deviated severely in that 6th month of my first pregnancy when I had to face the potential loss or permanent severe disability of the child I was carrying.  In the end, he wasn't born for another 12 weeks but my bubble of false confidence had been broken and I was not longer sure I had all the answers to the parenting game.

Fast forward 15 years....I'm now the mom to 11 kids trying to read up on the current parenting theories in order to be able to answer the questions that younger moms throw at me.   Sometimes I feel like I have been living in a dark hole somewhere  - the questions I am asked are so far outside the realm of my own experience that I have no good answers (and at times I am not even sure I understand the questions.)

I am sure that I confuse people when they ask me what my parenting theory is - I don't think there is a general category for 'treating each one according to their abilities,' 'practicing therapeutic parenting until I am exhausted and then enforcing martial law before I lose it,' or 'praying each morning and taking each days trouble as it comes.'  I am dead set against the family bed....six is the absolute maximum number I can fit into mine - never 13!  I can not comprehend spanking my children for every act of defiance - I would spank all day long which would be boring.  I can't be my children's friend - with so many siblings they have plenty of people to fight and be friends with.  Maybe that's it.  I subscribe to the 'I can't' theory of parenting....maybe it's not about what I do, but what I can't do.

I can't do whining
I can't do bullying
I can't do tantrums
I can't do picky eaters (with some exceptions)
I can't leave a scared child alone to sleep
I can't force expectations on a child who isn't equipped
I can't change a child to meet my needs
I can't worry about nail biting or thumb sucking
I can't parent to make other people comfortable
I can't worry too much - I would be overwhelmed
I can't treat each of my children the same because they are not.

Not that these things don't happen in our house...It's just my list of I can'ts......

My friend Carrie wrote a post about her needing to follow a particular parenting approach with one of her daughters today.  It's not the same method she needs for her other three children but for this child it is necessary for success. 

I have to laugh as I understand exactly what she is saying between the lines - even as I prepare to put on my Mr Rogers sweater and persona and help my dysregulated older child into bed. (For those who don't know me you should realize that Mr Rogers and I are at opposit ends of the world personality wise - so this is something my child needs from me- not who I really am....)

 There is really no book for this stuff (other than loving and really trying to understand the Book) but this type of parenting is real - it's there....it's both elastic and unbending, it's as hard to describe as wind and as essential to our children's lives as water, it's that utter commitment to love them - no matter what (even if that commitment means we can't parent them) and it's knowing that most of the world will think we are totally off base and having enough faith to not care.

I'm not sure if I will ever fully grasp the foundations of post-modern parenting (my current area of research) but I do know that most parenting happens not propped up in bed taking notes but down in the trenches - leaving us no time to check with the experts and barely enough margin to use the bathroom.

GFCF: Signs of Progress....Through Week Two...

When we started our GFCF diet two weeks ago I knew that there might be a period of withdrawal as the kids bodies started working through the process of living without the constant barrage of gluten and casein.  I can honestly say it's been a rocky two weeks - it was particularly telling that last Sunday a mom at church said to me "Hey - your kids do cry - I have never heard them before!"  Which made me laugh on one hand as several of our kids are notorious screamers at transition time but on the other hand she was right - we were way off emotionally last Sunday.  Enough to make me press on for another week with this new diet.

Now at the end of week two I have two that are having escalated violence issues, one who's eczema is vastly improved, one that keeps bursting into tears and another that is NOT having the constant aches and pains that have plagued him for years.  Enough of a change that today I did the 'big shop' which will feed us for another 2-3 weeks and bought everything GFCF. 

I am sure that small amounts are still sneaking into our diet through cross contamination, unidentified ingredients or the occasional creamer packet that one small child was stealing until when we caught him in the act, but over all we are managing to eliminate most sources of gluten and casein from our lives.

Living Without Remorse......

Living without remorse,
Is doing what needs to be done
in the moment
without making every decision a reflection
of how it affects me.

It's counting the cost of a decision
but not making the loss
of my own comfort
the 'worst' thing,
the most valuable thing
to be considered.

I have never regretted
bandaging the injured biker,
rescuing the escaping victim,
investing in tomorrows adults,
squeezing a little tighter around the table
      so we can feed one more.

Even if those people
were dirty and drunk
angry and inconvenient
unpleasant and ungrateful......

If they were the invisible ones
the forgotten ones
the lost ones

I have never regretted putting my own
agenda for a comfortable life
aside
and offering a moment
a drink
a gentle word in season
and a hard one also.

NEVER
have I regretted putting people over things
sacrifice over hoarding
and love
love
over the false dream
of making a safe and comfortable life
for myself at the cost of others.

Working Without Memory....

Intellectually I understand that some of our kids with FASD's have serious damage to their memory but in the daily grind of life I sometimes forget what that means to them.  Yesterday I was working with Willow on her reading and was amazed at her ability to apply the lesson (ch/sh/ck blends) to the workbook pages that followed.  Her memory was not damaged by pre-birth exposures in contrast to Speed who's was.  For him - every thing that requires memory is hard - really hard - and it's surprising how many things we need it for.  From simple things like finding shoes, bringing in bikes and brushing teeth to more complex ones like noticing word patterns and identifying destructive self behaviors - living with a damaged memory is horribly hard and I have to remember that often times he isn't 'forgetting' on purpose.

Who Would Rent To A Family Like Ours? ..........

(photo from two years ago today in the Old House)

As things stand we have neither sold the Colorado house nor received our tax refund.  In talking with Ryan who owns the Old House we agree that both things are likely to happen this summer but there are no promises so we have been drafting Plan C. (Plan B was us delaying purchasing the Old House until September 1 and spending summer in the Crowded House which we could do....but I given a choice I prefer the next option.)

Plan C  looks as if we will be moving back into the Old House as renters June 1 (60 days!) and then purchasing it from him as soon as the other pieces pull together.  It is comforting to think we might be able to move back into the house again over the summer to start resettling the kids .....but I am not holding the idea too tight as God may have a Plan D to reveal that we know nothing about.  But like the few warm days we have experienced lately....it's a hint of Spring and change to come.