Dear IRS.......

(My imaginary letter to the IRS)

Dear IRS....
Enclosed please find the answers to your most recent request for the same information I submitted last December.  I fully expect that there will be some sort of crisis over the fact that we have now 'double' submitted our corrected 1040 x for 2008 and hope that this doesn't trigger yet another request for the same information a third time. 

Unfortunately, the material you requested didn't fit in the legal sized envelope you provided so I taped it to the front of a large mailing envelope...I suspect that your location isn't prepared to open such large envelopes and so it will be forwarded on to another IRS location where the 'large envelope' department will open it, separate the pages and send them off to respective parties who will each receive one piece of the puzzle.

In the ensuing chaos I will either receive a new letter requesting information from each department (because I didn't provide completed documentation) OR perhaps receive a more personal phone call.  Don't be concerned if I burst into tears over your call...it has taken a mighty frustrating tax year to make me NOT want to talk to you.  After all - I love taxes - but this time around it's just not fun....and I may not be very understandable through my sobs.

Perhaps your caller will then decide that my real problem is not that I am frustrated beyond words .....but maybe I am not a native English speaker and cheerfully  refer me to the 30 minute wait line for a specialist in a particular language that sounds like a sobbing-hysterical- mom to 11- and then you can reissue all of the letters you have sent me thus far translated into whatever you have pinpointed as the root issue.
Love to all of you -
The ex-tax loving mom who is thinking that even the bad days in urban ministry are nothing compared to this weekly interaction with you.
Dorothy

Dryer NOT Optional In This Life.....

The dryer in the Crowded House is officially dead which is funny since I spent two months trying to give one away in CO last year and now I am on the hunt for another one to keep the laundry monster moving here.  Between the mud and the diaper removing bed wetters in our house, a dryer is not optional....which makes it the 'next thing' on my agenda for the day.

8839 Adoption Refund Saga....

For those who are tracking dates on the 8839 process we recieved the 'letter' asking for reciepts/check copies on Friday (three weeks after the note was posted on the where's my refund site) and today I mailed in reciepts and documents for each of our last four adoptions. I enclosed copies of the 8839's and adoption decrees even though they didn't ask for them again.  Thankfully, our agency had copies of our accounts both 'paid in full' and with itemized line by line payments so I didn't have to find and make copies of that multitude of checks we have written over the years.  How many times have I said I LOVE OUR AGENCY!  Let me say it again. THANKS FOR WATCHING OUR BACK ON SO MANY THINGS - NEW HORIZONS WE LOVE YOU!

Waiting to see what happens next........

Monday Morning Plumber Mom......

Monday's seem to have a plumbing theme here in the crowded house. For a shift in the pattern yesterday it wasn't exactly plumbing, but a closely related issue - the dryer stopped working.

Of course I had been foolish and let the mountain of laundry build over the weekend.  Even with only one bin of clothing each the pile can be quite impressive with a three day break in the cycle and there is no 'back up' option as those bins empty much quicker than a normal sized dresser.

Dryers are not my thing - I don't mind taking them apart when they are jammed but most of my dryer issues have been electrical and I hate dealing with malfunctioning electrical systems.  

So I went for option #2 (option #1 being me as the fix-it mom dealing with the problem)  and called the repair people to set up an appointment for Wednesday after which I threw myself on the mercy of my girlfriend Pam.  The rest of the day was spent sending kids back and forth through the yard of 'not our house' to Pam's and back with loads of laundry to be dried and mixed in with her own.  The high point of the process was the excitement generated when the neighbors son who suffers with mental illness lit their basement on fire...everyone wanted to volunteer for those delivery trips.  Fire trucks, smoke, oh the amazingly fun chaos set in the middle of an otherwise tedious process.

Book Lovers Secret......Shhhhh.....

I love the Hawk and The Dove by Penelope Wilcock and I was thrilled to receive an email last month telling me about the sequel The Hardest Thing to Do which is due out this summer.  Something about how honestly she reveals the human condition speaks deeply to me and I can't wait to see what happens next...........

Plans Are Not Promises..........

When we moved back to Minnesota we laid out some arbitrary plans for the family and ran several possible scenarious  so that the kids could understand what we were thinking and what might happen next.

'Maybe' is not a good place for kids under the ASD or FASD umbrellas to live for long.  Both sets of kids need strong boundaries, clear expectations and predictability in their routine and it's been stretching for all of us to live without them for the past 18 months.  With our prolonged IRS tax game and the slow Colorado Springs housing market our 'maybe' scenarios may need to be stretched past June 1 and into the realm of Fall or even later.  Which makes many of the kids anxious and nervous and compounds the stress they are already experiencing with our one week old GFCF diet.

Would you pray that we will all be able to wrap our minds around the idea that plans are not promises and that we would find an amazing joy in the journey to whatever happens next?

A Peek at Star........

It is has been such a blessing to see Star back with her girlfriends here in Minnesota.  It was a lonely season for her in Colorado and I am glad that she is back here again as she moved into the next phase of growing up.  Tonight she sang with some of them in the choir for the evening service and I was hard pressed to pull her away from their sweet tempered good mood. (that's her in the middle)

She is a great young woman - about to beat her older brother over the head with her book (note: seriously dyslexic daughter reading 600 page books! Yes - the year of Take Flight was worth it!)  He was teasing her about her new pierced ears and she wasn't going to take it. I love Kudu's hand stopping her.  Ever the police man at heart he couldn't just ignore this scene.....

I tried to get a picture of her new earrings - she chose tiny butterflies with little clear stones - but the cute baby kept getting between me and her.  Yes - he is as chunky as this photo shows....never missed a meal in his life for sure!

GFCF: Almost to The End Of Week One......

 Six days into this new experiment we are surprised to be having fun as we learn how to feed our family a gluten free/casein free diet.  We not only have the challenge of 13 people around the table at each meal, but the restriction of doing it on a limited budget as we transition back to life in MN. 

I love how God works so obviously in providing for our needs - in big ways like the Crowded House and in smaller ones like this bin of resources.  All of my cookbooks (including my special diets) are in storage  - I can borrow books from the library but in my heart I am an underline main ingredients, turn pages down, write in the margins sort of cook so the library just isn't satisfying.  Tonight at church I picked up this amazing box that had been left by an Internet friend (thanks!) its all here.  The shopping guide, cookbooks, evaluation charts...a homeschool moms dream come true.

So has it been hard?  Actually not so far.  The toughest part was going through our pantry and pulling out everything that had gluten or casein in it.  Since we are in the crowded house there isn't much back stock - but it did mean purging all of the mixes we had stockpiled in the post Christmas sales and all of our favorite Asian sauces.  

Many of the most basic ideas of the GFCF diet are already part of our life.  We eat lots of rice and potatoes and huge volumes of fresh fruit, dried beans and vegetables and are not adverse to strange crunchy foods.  It has been a change, but in reviewing the first week a very healthy one.   So far I can't see any huge change in our behavior patterns or physical symptoms but I am trying not to look for any serious changes until we have gone at least 21 days.  I am watching a shift in the auditory processing speed and abilities of one of the kids but it's too soon to tell if that is random or related.   One week down...tomorrow we are making a gfcf variation on Spring rolls to celebrate #6 son turning four.



2010 Adoption Refund: Receipts and Cancelled Checks?

Our fourth IRS letter arrived today.  Basically they are asking us to provide two things - Adoption Verification (in our case court decrees which have already sent but I will send them again) and Verification of Expenses (receipts and cancelled checks with a written explanation of what each is for.)  Which is enough to make me beat my head on the table.  Cancelled checks from 2005?  Ummm...if I was still getting them at that point (when did our banks stop sending them back each month?) they are in a box marked 'household history' deep in our storage locker here in MN or in the garage back in Colorado.   Nice of them to give me 30 days to gather the information since it might just entail a road trip......and receipts are sort of a joke to me since I thinned out the files last summer.  If only I was more of a pack rat!

Alcohol Exposure And Korean Adoptions.....

My friend (real friend for 17 years - not even a blogging friend) Carrie wrote an excellent post today outlining some of the facts about alcohol exposure rates for children adopted from Korea.  One of the details that she reports is this.......

 "Recent estimates by U.S. placement agencies range from 75-90% of all referrals (from Korea) have alcohol exposure as a background factor. That means that the majority of adopted Korean children could be considered at risk for developing clinical FASD"
To read the rest link here

A staggering statistical reality that we are not really hearing about in the general adoption world.  Sobering. 

8839 Adoption Refund: The Real LETTER Has Arrived......

It came today - letters to both my husband and myself stating that the IRS will be completing a more thorough review of our 2010 taxes and that we were selected because of the credits we claimed.  They stated that they will be holding our refund and reviewing it and that anytime in the next 45 days they may ask us for more information....or maybe not.  Pretty non-informative since all it really does is give them another 6 weeks to process our return.

For general information: The letter is dated 3/21/11and arrived 3/24/11. 

A Taste Of Life With FASD In The House.....

Sometimes the things my FASD  kiddos do are not dangerous or frustrating - they are just plain silly.  This morning one of my kids decided to unplug the rice cooker while were doing school - of course I was wondering why it wasn't steaming but it took me a good half an hour before I got back to the kitchen and discovered the cord lying on the counter.

Not a problem - I plugged it back in and assumed that I had simply forgotten that part of the lunch process.  While I was dealing with it the 'unplugger' gleefully danced up to me and proclaimed that he had indeed unplugged it...tee hee hee hee....... When I asked him why he answered ' I wanted to see what you would do!'   Which was really funny since my answer was 'Do? Why now that we have an extra half hour before lunch I think we have time for math.  Isn't that great?'

And he trudged off to find his math book - not having found a single useful button to push on this mommy this morning.  And me...I'm back to giggling inappropriately again.

It's My Party....

Mom to the masses and plumber extraordinaire....for my birthday today I splurged at Home Depot and bought TWO new plungers.  One for the kitchen and another for the bathroom....not exciting but absolutely necessary as the old one I had was leaving slivers in my hands.  A bad reality when I plunging at least once a day.  

Ready for my Plumber Mom tip of the day?  If you are plunging and plunging and plunging the horribly plugged kitchen sink and making zero progress....take the moment to stick your hand through the murky water and down into the drain in case there is a small child's cup perfectly wedged under the strainer.  Yes I speak from experience....and the best part of the fun was that I did it in front of company.  Professional hint?  Pull that cup out with a flourish as if you 'did' something....the observers may be utterly amazed at the sudden sucking drain of the sink and not realize that you were a total fool trying to force a cup down the trap.

Summit VII: Heart For The Mommies........

This year at SUMMIT VII they are offering a pre-summit event for women.- specifically adoptive moms.   If I was going - I would be sure to sign up for this one! It's Wednesday May 11 from 1-5pm and it offers the unique opportunity to be real with others who share the joys and sorrows that adoption can bring.


"For those women who feel they need a retreat for rest and restoration to complement the conference, this half-day pre-Summit retreat is for you. During our adoption journeys, we are often bombarded with statistics, overwhelmed with hoops to jump through and deadlines to meet. It also often seems there are few people around who truly understand the roller coaster we climbed into beforehand, never realizing it would not stop. Before, during and after our adoption we often realize that what we most need is a retreat: but not just any retreat...a retreat with other women who have been there, who can understood and encourage us in the journey ahead that fulfills God's dreams! We invite you to join us for a time of refuge! A time of rest! A time of restoration! We will reflect on living at the well, finding strength in the Lord as a busy mother, and walking in the Lord's presence. We will leave renewed, entering Summit with a fresh energy for the call of God on our lives. Come enjoy refreshment in the Lord's presence, encouragement from women who have been walking this adoption road in the Lord for 15+ years, and fellowship with other mothers who will understand your heart at the level of your deepest joys and tears. We invite you, come to the well of living water; you'll be glad you did."


(Personal note: Ok - that whole paragraph sounds a little too perky for the trenches of reality that some moms are climbing out of to attend Summit.   If you are thinking 'not for me'  after reading it because your hearts are worn thin I think the intention is to reach you where you are and my prayer is that there will be other hurting, not perfect, dream shattered, lives a mess - moms there just longing to cry as well as rejoice with you.  Maybe one of you can go in my name and come back refreshed for both of us!)

GFCF: Almost Made It Through Day One.......

We tried.  We really did.  We made it GFCF until 8:00pm when the lure of the golden arches made caused momentary madness and my husband took himself and the four oldest boys to McDonald's for chicken sandwiches.  I suspect that there will be many of these 'slips' along our journey but the good news is that we will have the chance to start over every morning. Kari posted a link to this article on FASD nutrition on her blog this morning and it's  good summary of what we are trying and  why.

Praying For Japan.....

I haven't posted about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan - we have prayed over it as a family and with our church and have tried twice to donate toward relief through World Venture and Converge.  Both times the process has locked up and I haven't actually gotten to make the donation - rather than be discouraged I hope this a sign that there are too many people donating at once.  I will try again tomorrow.

I have visited Japan, my mother has many friends there and was blessed to spend a year living there with my father in 1992.  It's not an abstract crisis in my mind - it's a brutal, heart wrenching reality.  Almost too hard to write about but far too important to be silent on.

Lord - I pray your mercy and healing power over the people of Japan.  I pray you would bring hope to the hopeless, rest to the weary, and comfort to those who's hearts are breaking.  You are not silent, your are not distant, let those who call on you find peace that surpasses all understanding.
Because you are God - and there is no other.
Amen.

Adoption Tax Refund: Bit's I Picked Up Today.....

I copied this off of one of the adoption chat chains today and cant find the original source (sorry!)  but it seems like a very logical explanation for what is happening with the 8839's this year.....I especially appreciated the phone number!

"Apparently all paper filings are logged in via computer system and it is only reading the return and does not process the adoption end of the return because it can't "review" the requested info ( adoption papers we all submitted), SO...it then gets shuffled to another state to be reviewed by a person to make sure all the required paperwork for the adoption is actually there. The "letter sent" notice is generated once our returns are in transit to this new location.

She (the IRS lady) told me to call this number 1-800-829-8374 next week and ask them about the status of the remainder of our credit and to make sure to tell them that this is an adoption refund..."

Gluten Free/Casein Free....80 Day Experiment.

I have been playing with our families diet for years testing to see what we can do to manage the various factors that seem to fluctuate according to what we eat. We have reduced the amount of sugar we consume, increased the number of fresh vegetables and whole grains in our day and worked hard to include probiotics and omega3's in our regular diet.  I have considered this next experiment for several years and avoided it because it sounded so radical, but I think that the time has come to wade in and see if we can help a few of our kids by taking gluten and casein out of our diet for the next 80 days.  (why 80 days?  That takes us to June 1 when I hope to be back in the Old House and I can do anything for that long:)  I have been inspired by my friend Kari's recent results with her family and have been dabbling in it for the past few weeks...starting tomorow I am ready to take the plunge and see how deep that water really is.

                

Word On The Street....8839 Carryforward

Word on the street is that a friend of a friend received the their 8839 adoption tax carry forward deposit last Thursday.  Of course this is unofficial hearsay but it is hope that things are starting to move. Please keep me posted if you you receiving the mystery 'letter' or refund for carry forward credits.

Drinking Games In The Crowded House.....

Writing the title for this post made me giggle.  It brought back memories of "Hi Bob!" and other such foolishness from the 80's.  In the Crowded House the games have been more focused on nutrition and health than on intoxication, but the same spirit of competitiveness works to my advantage. 

Yesterday it was ginger and honey tea - brewed strong enough to make the eyes of even the strong amongst us water.  But important in the realm of keeping us healthy.  One thing I have learned as the mom to this many is that by this time of year I need to be hyper diligent on the nutrition and supplements that I serve our crew.  Vitamin C three times a day and pots of ginger tea seems to have helped head off (or at least lessened) the crud I saw emerging on Friday.  Which makes the effort worth it to me.

For now the rule is 'last one done gets a little more..' which keeps the table laughing and makes it all a relaxing point in our day.

8839 Adoption Refund Carry Forward Delay: A Semi- Educated Guess......

I have been watching the Internet this week and the log-jam created by the new 8839 Adoption tax Refund - seems to show signs of loosening.  Several people have received their refunds for adoptions finalized in 2010 and many have received refunds minus the adoption carry forward amounts from previous years.  No one is reporting having received the 'letter' which the  Where's My Refund? site refers to though other IRS adoption related letters have arrived asking questions about previously filed 1040X's that related to adoption.

But no one has received the carry-forward refund for any amount (which would be adoptions finalized between 2005 and 2009) that I am aware of. 

My best guess on what is happening is twofold.  First it could be a simple issue of the process for managing them not being up and running yet.  With the issues Turbo tax demonstrated early in the filing season (their processes are approved by the IRS) it may be that programs needed reworking in order to make the 8839's processable by the IRS staff.  This is my personal favorite since they made such a dramatic change in the process this year. 

The second option I see could result from the funding and release of such large refunds.  I don't know the intricacies of the IRS standard operating procedures - but I would suspect that individuals claiming refunds in the $20,000 - $50,000 range would trigger some sort of extra threshold of checking before the checks are sent out - especially since they have never asked for any sort of documentation for many adoptions in the past (FYI -none of ours has ever been documented - it wasn't in the process.)

I predict that before the end of March this log-jam is going to burst and there will either be a bunch of us doing the happy dance or a confession by the IRS that they were unprepared to deal with this new process and asking us to extend grace in the waiting.

Making Progress....

Lisa over at a Bushel and a Peck asked for positive progress stories from families who had adopted older children as her Tuesday question this week.  I didn't post an answer since our kids were all placed with us before their first birthday but tonight I realized that we have recently reached a significant 'progress point' with our 10 year old son and wanted to be sure I shared the good news....

Of course it didn't feel like 'good news' in the beginning.  Speed and I had been rubbing up against each other all day - he was crabby and I was tired which made for a volatile combination.  The good news was that I noticed the rub and instead of lashing out at him and reacting like a preschooler myself I was able to practice a little therapeutic parenting and respond to the need behind the irritation.

Good so far.  Which is probably what set me up for a little personal crisis when he when into the ghetto-boy, I ain't doing anything anyone tells me, get out of my life, I hate you, I am never coming back here again, it's stupid - mode half way through our TKD class.   I was sideswiped by the anger I felt pouring out of him and almost ready to cry myself as I held him in my lap trying to help him find words to reveal what had happened to trigger the tidal wave of emotion. 

Watching him was like seeing a switch flipped and we were back into the old spiraling vortex of sensory overload and regressing into the non-verbal fog that he used to exist in.  It was creepy, distressing and scary, as I ran through my mind what could be bugging him, questioned his medications and tried to figure out what the trigger was. 

Nothing surfaced as obvious except daylight savings time and post birthday let down so I left the gym feeling a tad concerned and more tired than when we had arrived.

(Doesn't sound like progress so far does it?  Hang in there it's coming.....) In the car he sat alone in the row right behind the driver to keep peace with the others.  I took advantage of the situation and used the 20 minute drive home to listen to him talk and talk and talk.  He was definitely experiencing some sort of a quiet rage where his voice was calm and his body under control but the words that came out had the same impact as if they had been shouted.  Every word was negative and unhappy - it was a long 20 minutes.

The realization of progress came a little later as we were putting our gear away and having an apple snack at the table.  It came as a rumble of argument from the kitchen over who got the bathroom next (one for 12 of us is a little inconvenient at times) which escalated into a shouting match as the one using the bathroom took longer than usual.

In an effort to keep peace I went to talk to the one on the throne - it was the Speed - but his anger had disappeared and the problem was revealed.  He was horribly constipated and had been uncomfortable all day - particularly at TKD.  Unfortunately, with his sensory processing issues and FASD related immaturity he didn't have the ability to communicate the problem to me in a way I could understand that his mood was being regulated (or dis-regulated) by his uncomfortable situation.  Once he finished his turn in the bathroom he was back to smiles and ready to continue on as if nothing had happened - he even drew me this picture and handed it to me.  Drawing helps him communicate and this one is him doing a great side kick +yell as he breaks a board.  Miles away from the angry young man I had held in the corner of the gym an hour earlier.  One hour from start to finish - This is HUGE progress since we used to spend days unraveling the hurt and anger from things far less tangible than a bout of constipation.  As hard as our days are we are making progress and I want to be sure and celebrate the small things as well as the large.

Who Is John Hays? Speaker on FASD at the 2011 MACHE Homeschool Conference.....

Yesterday while I was on hold with the IRS I waded through the piles of 'too read' magazines and materials on my bookshelf.  I was thrilled and a little confused to see that John Hays was speaking on FASD and attachment issues at the April MACHE conference here in MN.  Confused because I couldn't for the life of me remember who John Hays was...except for the name of a guy I went to high school with in Seattle who ended up running Hays trucking.  I was fairly sure we were not talking about the same guy, but my brain is not good at names to begin with and it's been a super stressful year so loosing details seems to be par for my course.  I'm sure my fellow FASD moms here in MN are laughing at me...but it was a three pot day by the end of yesterday so I'm claiming extreme exhaustion as my only excuse.  Thanks for setting me straight and tweaking my memory.

This is what the MACHE site says about John Hays:
"John Hays and his wife, Holiday, started out never wanting children. Holiday was afraid because of her painful childhood and John had deep scars because of the Vietnam War. After years seeking inner peace in the new age movement, they tried a new direction. They started attending a Quaker Church where they met the Carpenter from Nazareth. After much healing, they started desiring to have a child. By 2003, they had adopted 13 children. In January of 2000, John started working for MNASAP, (Minnesota Adoption Support and Preservation) as a Parent Liaison. He answered crisis calls, found services, and taught parenting techniques to adopted, foster, and kinship families. As John has been helping families, he has learned an incredible amount and has been rewarded in this work. Eleven of their children had been diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD). The staggering statistics against those with FASD having successful lives inspired the Hays’ and some friends who love the Hays’ children to start HaysKids in 2003. Originally, they dreamed of creating an assisted living center for adults with FASD. At the same time, they saw how teaching parenting techniques specific to FASD could really improve the quality of life for children with FASD and those raising them. Thus, HaysKids, a 501c3 nonprofit, was born. HaysKids is involved in education, advocacy, and designing programming for individuals with FASD, their families, and caregivers."


After reading that do you wonder how I could have not known (or forgotten - I'm still not sure which) who he was?   Oh well - here is the link to Hayes Kids I haven't had much time to read everything but what I have I give a hearty AMEN!

Pictures from Speed's Birthday......

Pancakes for dinner (yeah the baby should be sitting....he stole this one off the stack while we were off getting plates.)

 Fruit shells with lower-sugar ilalian ices for dessert instead of cake.

A piece of paper with the word SNOWBOARDING underlined from Dad.

And  new Wii game from Nanee in Seattle.

It was a great day for birthday boy.



The IRS Drove Me To Chocolate......

Three hours into tonight's little escapade with the revised 1040x's the Legal department 'mentioned' that they changed the form  1040x in December after we submitted ours and maybe that was the issue?  Really?  Change a form and then refuse to process the ones that are sitting on your desk because they are using the 'old' form?  I hope we are not getting that petty at the IRS.  She again confirmed that what I had done was correct...and that I should resubmit everything.  Which led me into a personal crisis that culminated in a sneak nibble on my birthday present from mom.  Oh....dark chocolate with sea salt and caramel.  It's good to have a mommy who knows your weaknesses so well - even if you are 43!

FYI - I did get an interesting piece of information from this Legal specialist...she said that these 1040x's actually have no (most likely) relevance to the 1040 I just filed....which means that my letter (about this years refund) is still hypothetically in the mail...will the fun never end?

Someone Please Pray For Me....

I need a little motivation to start all over again trying to think through clarifying these correct, corrected 1040x's sitting next to me.  I'm not a procrastinator by nature but I can feel this nasty human 'I DON'T WANT TO!' welling up in my heart.  Not helpful at all since things that get delayed in our house get lost.  I'm praying to find joy in this journey - will you join me? 

Mail From The IRS.....(AKA the 8839 Drama)...

I received two letters from the IRS on Monday which muddled with the suspense of the 'letters in the mail' comments that so many of us adopting parents are receiving through the IRS 'Where is my refund?' website.  I say muddles because the letters I received were about the amnded 1040x's I sent in last December when I realized that grants toward our adoptions were not considered the same as other 'gifts' and needed to be deducted from our earlier 8839's.  A simple remedy and one that acutely reduced our carry forward by about $10,000.  Except that the IRS isn't happy with what I did (being honest and correcting my mistake.) The letter I received from them asked me to clarify what I was doing and fill out section c of the various 1040 x's I had sent in - which was already filled in with a clarifying paragraph.  I called them, got through in 10 minutes (wow!) explained the situation and read the paragraph that was written under line C to  'Mrs Jones' who confirmed that I had filled the corrected paperwork out correctly and needed to resubmit it within 30 days with my corrections.  Corrections? Hu? I admit to being a little confused.  How can I correct what is already correct without getting into a bigger mess?  Especially when it took them 12 weeks this time to get me the letter stating that my correct - corrections- were not correct?

Today taxes are again an agenda item ...somewhere after inspecting Laughter's infected finger (injured in a door pinch last week), washing Tender's coat (he threw up on it in the car yesterday), supervising and teaching 8 in school, sorting a pile or two in the crowded house and all of those miscellaneous other things that Wednesday's bring with them I hope to try and figure out exactly what to write that will clarify "We shouldn't have this large a refund."

Confessing to School Bus Lust......

Homeschooling our kids with hidden disabilities is hard - I will be the first to admit it and I am the one who's eyes are sometimes plastered to the mornings frosty windows as the little yellow bus stops to pick up the other special needs kids in our community.  It's tempting - really tempting especially since most of my friends who's kids have similar diagnosis chose to utilize the resources of the public or private schools - and it works fine for them. 

 But that isn't the choice we have made - at this point (10 years into homeschooling our crew) we still think that the benefits outweigh the costs for homeschooling all our learners.  Not that we think it's the best way for everyone (please don't read judgement here) but we have developed a very holistic view to our FASD and ASD kids lives and see that flexibility is what they need most as well as the ability to progress at their own pace.  Not the classes pace, or the IEP's pace or the milestones that the teacher needs to reach in order to keep her job - but the ability to adjust life daily.

For some kids that means a daily nap because the sensory stuff is so overwhelming. 

Or spending a whole school day 1:1 working on a project like this for cub scouts.

Or curling up on moms bed late at night for reading lessons because that is when our medication levels are perfect for the hand-eye-mouth coordination we need to read out loud to happen.

Or my favorite recently - learning to count on our fingers after five years of trying and figuring out that the computer is asking us to spell the same words over and over (and we keep getting them wrong) so we write them on a paper next to us.  Which so isn't cheating...it's recognizing a pattern and as a homeschooling special needs mom  I am tickled pink to see him do it.

Homeschooling works for us because education is our life - it isn't 9-3 Monday through Friday.  It's 24/7/365 - life is learning because there are so many things we need to impart to the next generation - to our kids with FASD as well as those without.  It's about how we live and why we live and when we make our choices - it's everything all rolled into one tidy package called family and it is sweet - too sweet to wish or dream away just because it's hard.

Funniest Thing You Have Had To Say....As The Parents to Kiddos With FASD?

I love the crazy things that my girlfriends share privately with me about their own lives parenting kids with FASD.  What is your most quotable statement?  Sharing here will us all get a laugh (since it's more socially acceptable than crying) and help us to know we are all in this together.....my favorite one yesterday was from my girlfriend Heather's comment on dropping a child off at the nursery.."Caution - he likes to lick outlets." Or my favorite since they walk the 5 year olds at church to the drinking fountain/bathroom "Move quick if she starts for a fire alarm - she can read PULL but doesn't have the impulse control to stop herself." (Really, she has done it and loves the chaos it created.)

What do you have to share - help me out of this - one with an ear infection, another with out of control eczema, two pots of coffee sort of Monday.

Today's Favorite Bit of FASD Parenting Advice.....

Lot's of adoptive parents ask me what the best thing is to do when they are considering adopting kids with potential (or diagnosed) FASD.  It's sort of an awkward question and usually my mind bounces around to all the crazy but potentially relevant facts of FASD parenting - hide the knives, insure your computer against intentional damage, raise the limits on your homeowners insurance, be sure your parenting expectations are based in reality rather than the fiction of adoption - the potential answers push me into that inappropriate giggling phase again.

This week if you ask me the question my answer would be "Intentionally adopt more than one (child with exposures or disabilities) so that they will not be the 'problem' child or the 'bad' one" within the family dynamic.  Just dividing the parental attention between the needs of two or more challenging children helps diffuse the intense personal side of parenting and allows a little breathing room for the kids.  It almost goes against logic, but seems universally true within my peer group that it's easier to parent multiple kids with challenges vs focusing all our energy on a single one.

Adoption Tax Refund (8839/2010) .....We Are In Good Company...

I'm giggling inappropriately as I scroll through the hundreds of web postings this week on the IRS's recent trouble processing the 8839's that we diligent adoptive families sent in.  For a decent taste of what is going on link here.  The basic pattern is that families are mailing in their taxes, have a delay of up to three weeks getting into the 'where is my refund' system that then gives a refund date about a month out.  Then a week later they have a 'delay notice' that can either list the original date or one about two weeks later.   The next thing that happens is their status changes from a refund date to a 'you will be receiving a letter from us - we need more information in order to process your refund' note on the website and everything comes to a crashing halt.

Calling the IRS hasn't seemed to help...people are getting all sorts of crazy answers (like being told this is all their fault for not electronic filling - which of course we can't if we have a carry forward.)  and random deposits seem to be received regardless of what the IRS says.  Some partial refunds have been received(excluding the adoption credits/refund) and there are a few people who are claiming they received it all - though I wonder if those were carry forward funds or 2010 adoptions. 

In general, at this point I am seeing huge frustration across the board with people who filed in February looking toward a June refund at the earliest.

Birthday Bling: Speed Turns Ten.....

Ten years ago we knew we were open to adopting another child but hadn't yet finished our homestudy nor really shifted from thinking of ourselves as the parents of three children to the potential parents of four.  Little did we know as we waited and watched for our approved homestudy that there was a little guy in North Carolina being spoiled pig rotten by his foster Granny and waiting for that paperwork also. 

This is that tiny (ok never tiny - he was sort of a block of a baby) boy today.  Ten years later he is strong and determined - sporting a hairstyle that he delights in and as of yesterday a pierced ear with a bit of bling in it.  Tomorrow is the pinnacle of his most recent day dreams...daddy is taking him and Steam out for a REAL snowbording lesson. 

This Weeks Autism Read.....

I am one of those crazy people who always has five books on my nightstand and plows through them on a regular basis.  Usually three or four are finished a week with desperation setting setting in if we go more than ten days between library trips.  Tonight I finished Cathy Steere's book "Too Wise to Be Mistaken, Too Good to Be Unkind" though it was at the bottom of my reading pile I was unable to put it down once I started it.  This power of this book was the almost creepy parallels between their families experience with Autism and our own - I had to finish it almost as if it would predict where we were headed.

In this book Steere was able to put into words the experiences and ideas that Dearest and I have been living with since Kudu joined our family in 1999 and Storm in 2008.  She found ways to explain that feeling I have always had with Kudu that I was the wall, the boundary, the emergency break - the utterly predictable, level headed and necessary anchor when he couldn't react to life in a neurotypical way.   Early on I realized that in order to manage the intensity of Kudu's life I would have to be almost neutral and detached when dealing with him.  Not that I always succeeded - but I realized that when I was about to lose it over his extreme behaviors (fun things like poop-play) I had to remove myself and lose it in private- that he didn't have the ability to deal with it.

In the end I think both Steere's son and mine have progressed to a place where they have greatly reduced autistic behaviors and can often pass as 'normal' in casual society.  Since we only get one shot with each child, I can't say if it was the way we parented and the therapies we chose or if it was a simple maturing and organizing that their brains would have done regardless.  It doesn't really matter to me today - as Kudo passed through his worst years (2-8) it was all pretty bleak - but now I can see the rewards of the things we did with him without understanding (and with lot's of criticism from friends) the high structure, low social stimulation, low visual and auditory stimulation, restricted choices, limited opportunity to become overwhelmed and utterly clear rules and consequences helped us get to the point where we are today. Kudu is not healed from Autism but he is no longer limited by it in the ways he was three years ago and we are all loving the change.

Why We Didn't Stay in Colorado....

Colorado Springs didn't work for our family - here is the short list of what the main factors were behind our move back to Minneapolis....

1. Church - After 10 months of 'church shopping' we hadn't found a church home that had room to include the varying individuals that our family represents.

2. Medical - After 10 month we hadn't found a medical community that was interested in working with us to care for our complex kids.

3. The Future - After 10 months we realized that Colorado Springs was not a good place to be a child with hidden disabilities and would be an even harder place to be an adult with them because of the basic infrastructure which determines what services were available.

4. Danger - It was terrifying to realize that no one had our backs in the event of a DHS investigation (and with as many non-neurotypical kiddos as we have I expect a brush with them someday.)  There was not a single social worker, doctor, pastor, neighbor, friend or therapist in the state of Colorado who had enough history with us to serve as a witness.  Which was a horribly vulnerable feeling.

5. Friends - We realized that after 10 months our kids had no growing relationships outside the family and that because of our families size and dynamics it would take many years for those to emerge.  Worse yet the natural ways those relationships would form were not working -church, homeschool groups, sports.  (Note on the Sports:  ATA was a highpoint in our week but there were very few other kids regularly involved.) 

6. Homeschool - Our homeschool was fine but we hadn't found a place in the larger homeschooling community which could accept both accelerated and delayed learners. 

7. Like Minded Living - After we made the decision to move back to MN we did connect with a few Colorado families who understood the life choices we have made and the way we live our life - but not enough to change our plans. 

We were truly strangers and so much of what we saw happening there disturbed us to the core - the cost of politics to the infrastructure of the society, the widespread use and sale of medicinal marijuana, the lowering of social standards and overall bitter taste of the culture was overwhelming to me.  Which might make one say 'Perfect!  You have been involved with city ministry in Minneapolis for 10 years dealing with this sort of stuff, you should fit in great  in Colorado?' 

The difference was that there was nothing there for us but Dearest's job (which he loved) and our house (which we all enjoyed) - together they could not hide the fact that we were living in a very dry and weary land and we knew there could be so much more.

And we knew that 'more' for us was 1000 miles away - where there were pastors who wanted our little girls hugs, and doctors who trusted our parenting, and social workers who knew us by name and friends who had loved our kids before their diagnosis and rejoiced with us as each one joined the family.  We knew in a crisis we would not have stood alone and that our needs did not exclude us from their invitations and that at 'home' we could be who we were and be loved. 

So we moved back to Minneapolis - 52 weeks after we left - and have been drenched in the 'more' of life ever since our van pulled in.

Responding To The Need Not The Behavior......

Kari wrote a great post about reacting vs responding in our parenting of non-neuro-typical kids today.  She perfectly expressed what I have learned over the last few years about the challenge of parenting these kiddos - the general rules of parenting often don't work and we have to get out of the boat and trust a different way to train and lead them in their life paths.  Man is this a hard thing to do - especially when the world thinks you are crazy....of course the world is right about me..but I think you understand what I mean!

The Importance of Oral History in Adoption.....

I have spent much of my free time this week going through the many pages of our kids annual FASD/ASD behavioral updates in preparation for their May appointments.  It's tiring and requires I dredge up all of their original adoption history as well as my own notes since then and the 'hints' I picked up along the way.  I wish I had kept better notes on every conversation with every social worker and lawyer along each child's adoption path - there is just so much that is shared verbally with adoptive parents (intentionally or unintentionally) that never gets into the actual paperwork.  Unfortunately, in our adoption haze we often forget to note or disregard the things that are said in the casual moments because they are not the 'big picture' things we are needing answers too.  Statements about biological parents alcohol use, social abilities, strange behavior patterns and more mean little to us in the adoption season but they may be the exact things that unlock doors in our children's future.   Having adopted 8 times I can now see the importance of those little slips of paper and notes in the margins of my children's medical forms - no matter how vague,  they are signposts toward the path they each walk.

IRS Update...Additional Information - I Suspect the 8839....

Ok...here is the timeline so far.  2/21 I mailed the forms.  The IRS reported receiving it 3/1 projected the 'refund' date as 4/3 then 4/5 and now there is a notice on the "Wheres my refund?" link saying that we will receive a note asking for additional information in the mail soon.  When I get the letter I will be sure to post what information they need in addition to the required things I attached in case it saves you some time!

Ain't taxes fun? :)

Anyone Have The Adoption Tax Refund In- Hand?

As of this morning, the IRS had posted on its site that our federal refund was 'delayed' until April 5th.  I don't think it's a problem with our paperwork at his point - I suspect a delay in their processing being able to manage the 8839's and supporting paperwork. Has anyone filed their 2010 + 8839's for the refund and received it yet?  (I doubt there have been any since they all had to be paper filed...but I want to track when they break loose.)

Sewer Sucking Monday....and Update From the Crowded House.

Yesterday morning I realized that our improvised floor drain wasn't draining very well...which actually is an understatement as my trickling 10 minute shower caused a puddle in the basement wide enough to put plumbing over home school on the morning calender.   This particular drain is super important - without it there is no shower or laundry and we cant function well with both out of commission.  Being a plumber-mom I started with the usual tools. The plunger I use in the kitchen sink had no impact and when I used the drain auger I discovered two things..one the the main clean out was clear(so the plug was in the trap close to me) and two that whatever it was was hard because it caused the cable to snap when I tried to auger through it.

Which left me two choices 1. retrieve Weldon's big sewer cleaning equipment from his wife Patty (check) and 2. Call Pam and head off into the 'Red-Green, two moms with 22 kids between us can solve most problems using the wrong tools' route. Having the tools on hand for choice number one but feeling a touch intimidated by the manliness of them - I started with choice number two.

It involved sucking (yeah with my mouth like we used to siphon gas for the mower - ewww) the water out of the deep drain so that I could see what was going on down there.  Believe me...I used a sock to dip and wring out as much as I could before hitting the hose but I couldn't get all the way to the bottom.  The hose worked - I was able to make a vacuum strong enough to clear out the drain and realize that there was something wrong with the whole situation.  There was no hole on the side for the water to drain out of....which made me laugh hysterically as I kneeled over this stinking hole.  Whatever was plugging the drain was right there!

Of course I had to pause and steel myself for what came next...the neighbors had pulled a 'late' rat out of their drain years ago and I am not a big enough fan of dead things to stomach that particular drain clean out.  Normal tools wouldn't work in this situation...which was good since most of mine are in storage anyway. In the end I sent Steam over to Pam's house to retrieve a bag of common kitchen implements that might help me maneuver the 'thing' out of the drain.

Korean chopsticks first, then plastic kid chopsticks....tongs and my favorite of the day?  A fondue skewer once we figured out that the blockage was an old rubber plug with a chunk of plastic and metal that was serving as a very effective stopper.

In the end this was the culprit and Sewer Sucking Monday was over.....except for plunging the sink each time I did dishes and starting on plan 'B' for filling the bathroom tub.

Taking A Hit For My Kids.....

Before I became a parent I had no idea that not only would I need to dedicate almost all of my energy to this new title of 'mom' but that with the addition of kids who had hidden disabilities I would have to act as a shield between them and the world - absorbing with my mind and emotional capabilities what they could not defend themselves against. 

I have noted before that I think the toddler years will be the easiest with our FASD/Autistic crew.  The world extends automatic grace to these pre-schoolers and it's only in Kindergarten that the cruel eye of judgement starts to turn toward them as individuals rather than to their parents. 

They can be slow to learn, quick to anger, poor decision makers and unable to control bodily functions that their peers can handle without effort.  Which leaves me in the position of having to chose each day which hits I need to take and which ones they can handle on their own.

It would probable by easier on me if we were 'hide in the hills, don't expose our kids to the cruelty of life' type of family - but we are not.  It might also be easier to be at the other extreme - the throw them in the pond and pray they figure out how to swim types.  But we are not there either.  Our family falls somewhere in the middle - evaluating each child's strengths and weaknesses against each scenario and choosing who gets to take the heat or pressure in each one.   It's a balancing game - letting my kids sort out what they can on their own in the normal playground tussles while understanding all the time that they are not able to defend themselves in the same way as others.

Many times I chose to diffuse a situation through explanation - particularly those with other adults.  But sometimes I just have to take a hit, allow another person to pass judgement on me and my parenting without defending the choices or explaining why what they see is not the whole picture. 

It's been hard for my ego to adapt to this new role but now that the old me hangs in tatters from years of comments and hurtful opinions I realize that it has a useful purpose.  Those flapping pieces of the 'me before all this' are like a red cloak to a bull - pulling it's attention away from the actual target -my child- and onto another that cant really be hurt by empty words - the person I used to be.

Whatever....

After fixing Laughter his 5:00am bottle and tucking him back in for another hour or quiet in the Crowded House I curled up with my computer to do a little catch up with my blog friends.  It was a good morning to pray over them as I read - Julie is continuing to struggle with the same unscrupulous adoption lawyer that we battled in Alabama, Kari is grieving some of the harsh realities of how FASD affects our families and behaviors and Katie (who I don't know personally but love as a sister in the Lord) shared her hearts pondering on the word 'whatever.' Each of them impacted me for good as I curled up in the light from the closet - using this silent few minutes to gather my thoughts and energy to go forward with another day.

'Whatever' has become a theme in my life.  Not in the f-you teenage rebellion sort of usage, but in the 'I ain't going to fight God anymore on this one - I hate having my fingers pried off of my - pride - stuff - money- ideals- idols (I think you get the list),' sort of way.  'Whatever' allows me to let God do His work in my life without the 'But I' arguments that tend to rise to my lips every time I need to justify my own sinful behavior. The arguments are tempting in this season -

But I.....shouldn't have to live with 13 people in a four room house in the middle of a MN winter
To which I say 'Whatever - I have a house and we are warm.'

But I.....shouldn't have to plunge the sink, the toilet the overflowing basement drain...every day.
To which I say 'Whatever - the plunging could stop working - then where would I be at?'

But I....should not have to deal with the exhausting realities of FASD/Autism/Ld's and why on earth do I have to homeschool them?!
To which I say 'Whatever Lord- 8 of my children could have been aborted and I would have never known them.'

And when I say it isn't right, isn't fair, isn't nice....it is good to be reminded that I can find  joy in all things, in every moment, every day if I only remember to dwell on Whatever instead of clinging to I.

Fluffy to Braids....

Rosa spent her day off washing, braiding and generaly loving on the Sister Chicks. 

It is good to be home with people who love my kids in all sorts of unique ways!

FASD and Homeschool.....

One of the strangest things about homeschooling our kids with FASD was discovering that they can have average intelligence while at the same time not be able to manage the most basic educational concepts. As their primary teacher it's easy to see that some of their problems are caused by memory damage but others are not so simple to pinpoint.  The concepts of teens (11,12,13 etc), place value or silent E changing a vowel sound are not easy things for some of my kids - not easy as in 'there is nowhere to hang the idea in their brain' not 'the teacher needs to teach it differently' or 'the child needs to work harder.' 

Which leads to some interesting discussions about education since they so often look and act normal .....