Comfortable Praying Without Details?

These photos are of my childhood friend Joy and her daughters Lydia and Hannah.  Their situation is not mine to share on the Internet but they are in desperate need of prayer.   September 9th is a critical date for their family and I have been focusing much of my own energy to help her toward a positive resolution.  Please be in prayer for truth to be revealed, the family to be reunited, all legal action dropped and any strongholds broken.  I am praying over the girls as they don't understand what is going on, but have to deal with the adult trauma that is surrounding them.  Pray that they will be strong and not afraid and that Joy will not give in to despair.

That's all I can share at this point...some of you might remember seeing Joy and her daughters on our family missions board they were tent makers in Mongolia.

Vision Therapy....What We Learned Over the Past 4 months.....

Friday Josh and I completed his 16 weeks of Vision Therapy.  It was a long haul with appointments at all sorts of awkward times and the added pressure of practicing our homework in between sessions.  Some weeks it was fun and easy - other weeks it was neither and I just wanted to cancel our remaining sessions and register him for public school.  I admit to days when I was ready for this to be any ones problem to deal with but mine - I was tired, I was cross, the other kids were in chaos when we went to these sessions and we were making no progress because he was refusing to even try to work with the therapist.  No eye contact, no words, no attempting to follow instructions...just a slouched body, blank face and absolute refusal to do the simple tasks that we needed to master in order to train his eyes to work together.   Thankfully that wasn't all the sessions or every homework set we attempted - but it was about 50% which was enough to keep me standing on that 'are we doing this or not' fence..  Perfectly frustrating and perfectly normal with my FASD kiddos.

In the final wash we did manage enough practice and participate in enough sessions to see progress in his abilities.  Some of the things we did surprised me - I now have a 3inch binder full of exercises and practice sheet masters that I can use with him and our other kids in the future.  The ones that I liked best (because they are areas I know he really struggled in) is one that had him look at a series of symbols that told him to move one particular portion of his body - R hand, L hand, both together, rfoot, lfoot etc... watching his brain scramble that up for the first few weeks was revealing, as was what happened later as he mastered the exercise and could do it perfectly.  The other one that I liked was a sequential one - ABCD or 1234 where he had to track down a line of random letters/numbers to find the next one in the sequence and then circle it.  It meant he had to 'see' through the noise of the other letters and find a particular one....really good for him also.

As a mom I was surprised at how many of the Vision Therapy exercises I would have put into another camp of remediation or therapy.  But that goes back to an earlier post (I'd link it if I could remember it!) on the complimentary overlap I see in all of  various methods and therapies that we use with our kids.

In the end I would say that it was definitely worth investing the last four months in Vision Therapy...and I am sure glad that we are done for now!

Encouraging Note On FASD and Growing Up........

Kari posted this earlier but just like her I forget that this applies to my children with FASD as well...not that they will be healed but that all our hard work to prevent any preventable secondary disabilities. She said...

"We know that people with FASD learn differently and mature more slowly than those with typically developing brains, but they can learn and they do mature. Research clearly shows that those who are well supported will often have a maturity spurt in their late 20s or early 30s and they will begin to function better. Why haven't I reminded my kids of this? And why haven't I reminded MYSELF?! I say it all the times in training, I just haven't heard it, I guess. "

What a great reminder that there is hope for a future where our alcohol affected kids might become more mature....not a guarantee, not a promise, not a cure.  But a glimmer that they might 'grow up' someday....

Colorado Springs Book Study "The Connected Child'....

This is a localized post for adoptive (and potentially adoptive) families in the Colorado Springs area who might be interested in a monthly group book study on the book co-authored by Karyn Purvis, David Cross and Wendy Sunshine -  ' The Connected Child.'  There are lot's of reasons why I would encourage you to consider this study...

First: it's a great book and we will be using the Created to Connect study  to bring out the Biblical principles behind it.
Second: Many adoptive families are having a hard time connecting and understanding the needs of their adopted children and this book study will bring together a group of people who all at least believe that there might be more than 'happily ever after.."  as part of an adoption story.
Third:  I'm going to be there and would love to meet a lot of you in person again so that we can pray over, encourage and share our wisdom. (Though I will miss the September meeting I promise to be there after that!)
Fourth:  Free Childcare! (Birth to 11) as long as you call the church ahead of time.
(Ok the fourth one would be a selling point for me...time to talk though adoption issues while having others watch my kids in excellent child care?  Swoon....)

Details: 
The study is being led by my friend Robin at the Rockrimmon Campus of Woodmen Valley Chapel,
meeting the 1st Tuesday of each month starting with September 7th at 6:30pm you can RSVP to her here or just show up at the church. :)
Childcare is available for birth through 11 by calling 388-5002 with 48 hrs notice
(The first meeting will cover chapters 1-4 and the free accompanying study guide so you better get reading!)

Want to See What FASD Looks Like?

My bad on the title for this post.  It's misleading in that it suggests that a baby who doesn't have these facial characteristics wont have FASD - but that simply isn't true.   As babies grow, the facial structures develop in the early part of pregnancy (around days 18-21) and then fill out as the pregnancy progresses.  That means that the characteristic facial damage of FASD is only likely to occur if mom is drinking that one particular week.  She could skip that week (maybe due to morning sickness she mistakes as a hangover?) and drink every day for the next six months and her baby is very likely not to 'look' alcohol affected.

Kari pointed out this great site that  takes a 'normal' baby's facial structures and applies the characteristic FASD indicators to them .  This is good for basic knowledge but the truth is that many, many people who have suffered alcohol related pre-birth brain injuries have absolutely no external identifiers.  They look may look normal on the outside but in truth they are walking around without the tools and abilities that we expect of 'normal looking' people.

The Boy Who Loved Tornadoes.......

I love to read hard books.  From the 1007 pages that document the spread of HIV/AIDS in The River to my most recent read The Boy Who Loved Tornadoes (by Randi Davenport 2010)  there is an important piece of my heart that needs to be kept soft by remembering the daily suffering around the world.  It's just too easy to slid into my own easy life (STOP snickering those of you who think my life is an out of control tornado) here in the US.  My family isn't hungry, we are not homeless or dying of incurable diseases, no one is psychotic and no one is being abused or neglected.  Compared to huge parts of our world my life is easy and I am so rich. 

The Boy Who Loved Tornadoes is not for the weak of heart - it the story of an apparently normal family whose son began to have abnormal mental health problems that fell outside the understanding of modern medicine. It's a spiraling story of despair (I promise the ending goes back up) and a moms fight to get her child the services and care that he was promised as a citizen of their state. 

The other reason I read books like this is because I hate to be blindsided.  The reality of my brain is that I like to identify and understand anything I can before it hits me in the face and leaves me staggering. Mental health extremes is one of the areas I have been researching because within adoption (our own and those around us) I am seeing so many unusual manifestations that I can't expect to avoid these deeper waters entirely.  

Ending The Week On A Positive Note.........

If Monday was a low point for the week then I am determined to count Friday as a high point.  We survived our 8am Vision Therapy session and for the first time I felt as if this particular therapist didn't put me into the deranged and obviously a little off category.  I am the sort of mom that wants to know why we are doing each activity, what our goals are and how we can tell if we have achieved them.  This morning she actually enjoyed sharing her knowledge and it made everything so much more fun. 

The week is also ending on a high note because I ran into a clearance shelf of Similac formula for Isaac at Safeway....I bought 10 of the $23.00 cans for $4.00 each.  Yeah Wahooooo..and I am not bothered at all that they are close to their expiration date.  Ten sounds like a lot but it will be gone before I know it.  Those round cans next to them are another part of my happy ending.  I have been whining and cringing and fussing at myself over the cost of my favorite special mommy treat (even closer to my heart than that morning cup of coffee) and went three months without any.  After Monday's crash and burn I decided that a three months supply of SPARK was about what one therapy session would cost and ordered it as fast as my fingers could type.  In my life right now it's either SPARK (Caffeine and vitamins), leftover morning coffee or a glass of wine to get through the arsenic hour at our house (4:30-5:30 when I'm cooking and daddy's on his way home.)  I decided that SPARK was the lesser evil. And anyone who wants to scold me about caffeine can come on over and watch the kids while I take a nap.  I would happily give it up for sleep.

I also had the satisfaction of installing the new mirror on the van (On another bad Monday I hit a tree and shattered it) and siliconed around the base of the toilet.  The mirror was so simple to fix (once we went through all the drama of it being sent to MN) but without it my van is like driving blind.

Therapy At Home.......

There is no distinction between everyday life and therapy in our house.  Speech , vision, behavioral, educational and dyslexia work happens all the time as part of the normal routine.  Because this is our reality we are very attuned to the toys we buy and the ways they can be incorporated into the various needs we have.  COSTCO has a great set of super sturdy bumby balls which we picked up this week (Jerry is demonstrating one way to use them) and we found a 'noodle dog lovey' for him that doubles as a weighted pet for his chest and shoulders on those days when his blanket isn't enough. 

As an extra bonus -  it's  filled with lavender and can be heated as a hot-pack.

Colorado Adoption Agencies?

I am putting together a list of Colorado Adoption Agencies that I can recommend to waiting families.....except I have NEVER worked with any here.  I would appreciate any comments good, bad, or scary so that I can help answer questions when they come my way........

Homeschool Day One: Crash and Burn As Usual..........

Monday was the first official day of 'School' for our family. I wasn't planning on starting until after our trip to Seattle in September but Sunday night I realized that five of my kids were showing excessive signs of stress from the recent chaos and were in need of a high structure environment.  School seemed a better answer than boot camp so I dusted off the books.  Not that we ever really put school 'away' because we school year round, but moving from two subjects to a full curriculum always requires I take a deep breath and find my nerves of steel.

This is our 10th year of homeschooling and we will have kids in 8th, 7th, 4th, 2nd, 2nd, 1st, K and K4.  Monday was day one and as usual it was a crash and burn. (Good to know this is our first day pattern and not a foretaste of the year to come!) Day two and day three have both been easier and we are starting to find out feet again....next week we will add in the rest of our subjects and be in full swing....at least until we go on vacation the week after!  I will bring some school with us...it's not worth a second First day when we get back.

Here are a few photos of what school looked like.....................

Isaac learned that he might have to wait a few minute on a meal this week...trauma for this particular child.

Quiet at the table for math.......

Lily has her own special table for K4.

Noel's big day.....Kindergarten!

Jesse working on his Lexia in a quiet corner.  He likes to be far away from anyone but me when he does his work.

Joe and Jerry had the chance to break and eat crayons.

But where is John?  He's at igovern camp all this week completing his government credits for the year.  Look I'm already ahead on something!

The End To 'Vintage'............

I am doing the happy dance on a vinyl bathroom floor this morning.  LOOK!  Rather than the nasty disintegrating (dare I say 'vintage?') carpeting with too many years of near misses and toilet overflows for me to even fathom.... I have a washable surface.  Huge sigh of relief and well worth the $280  that it cost to have them come in and manage the project for me.  Now, about those pillars and the wooden beads in the window........

Some People Should Not Adopt....

How's that for an opening line on a post? It's not meant in a mean way, but in a 'lets talk about it' opening to a discussion. With Orphan Sunday in November, the foster care to home movement gaining strength around the country and international awareness regarding the plight of the orphan intensifying - adoption becomes a logical consideration for many people.   For some it's a good option - for others it's a disaster waiting to happen.

Many of the families who I walk through hard times with have gone into adoption with an unrealistic view of what it means to bring hurting children into their homes.  For some it started with unprecedented success raising their biological children, and others through the pain and despair of infertility.  However they came into adoption, too many were not prepared for the hard things that became their reality.  It surfaces in all sorts of areas - some parents dont' bond easily with their adopted child and some children don't bond with their new family.  Many times there are hidden disabilities a family wasn't prepared for or known ones that they didn't fully comprehend at the time they brought a child into their home.  The challenge can also be separating compassion and desperation from an overwhelming need to 'rescue' a child....a child that may not want to be rescued now or ever.   A child who may not ever feel thankful or blessed to have been adopted.

It's hard to find a realistic picture of what affect adoption will have on an individual family, just like it's hard to understand marriage when you are preparing for a wedding.  But I do think that those of us who are living different, exhausting and alternative lives because of adoption should share what we have learned so that other families can be better prepared.

What's Your Families Secret Addiction?

My family is hooked on Food Network's  - Next Network Star.  Tonight was a great conclusion to the 9 week serious - our favorite chef Artie earned the opportunity to have her own Food Network show and the whole family celebrated with her.  I think it's pretty funny that my kids have no idea what else is on TV - the last show we watched aside from FN was the World Cup and before that the Olympics.  But they can identify by site and speciality many of chefs that host and compete on FN.

The proof is at the table - last week I tried a rib recipe and the comments were hysterical.  The best was from Leah who said they " tasted fine - but just were not up to Challenge standards....far too predictable."  I almost fell off the bench laughing as I realized that my kids are now judging my cooking by international competitive chef criteria. Of course those 'other' chefs never had to manage 11 kids, clean their own kitchen and get the meal on hot at 5:30pm.  Maybe I should invite them over for a throw down in my kitchen? :)

So what's the hidden addictions at your house?  Biggest Looser?  Dominoes Pizza every Friday night?  Or even worse...weekend marathons of the original StarTrek series.

Coffee Catharsis is on a Role.........

Kari has two great posts on FASD over on her blog this week.  The first asked the question of if we are tainted sickos or trained spotters when we start to see FASD signs all over the place.  It's a good question in a culture that thinks of FASD as extremely rare on one hand but acknowledges alarmingly high statistics for kids in foster care and those in prison on the other.  Her  second post is about a motion to 'decriminilaize' FASD in Canada.  As a mom to kids who's futures are almost guaranteed to involve the justice system this is a huge step toward a fairer society for those affected by prenatal alcohol exposures.

Mushrooms? I never Would Have Guessed...

Call me naive, but I would never have guessed that my cacti producing front yard would also harbor these huge mushrooms.  How is there possibly enough moisture?  When even the Yucca's are looking thirsty did this monster spring up through the rocks? 

Bad Scent Choice for a Body Wash...

Two of my preschoolers just had an extended handwashing session while I was out removing mushrooms from the front yard.  I'm now supervising their non-nap quiet times now and am overwhelmed with the scent of the new suave mango bodywash they used....problems is that is smells exactly like the deodorizer in the Honeybuckets at the park.   Nasty...and a near miss by the marketing team.  I guess they didn't ask the testers  "What does this smell make you think of?" :)

A Question on Griddles....

My friend Sara is looking to replace her large family electric griddle soon and asked what we use.  I thought I would share my answer here and give other moms to many the chance to chime in also.....

My life hasn't included much counter space or many dependable counter level outlets over the past 15 years so I have become a fan of the double burner non-stick ones by allclad.  I have been functioning with one for seven years but recently (as in this week) have made the transition to owning two.   In seven years we  have not scratched  or beat up the one we have and as long as the front handle doesn't mess with your fliping technique, I think they are a reasonable option ($79.00 with free shiping on Amazon) for moms with more than the usual number of kids.  

I Want a Biological Brother....

I love my Jesse.  Last September he was 'getting disturbed - that we don't have a baby in this family.'  Two weeks later there was the hint of Isaac.  This morning he looked at me and said "I want a biological brother - one from Asia." Since his biological family is African American and pretty firmly settled in the Midwest I doubt that a bio brother from Asia is in our future - but I love his heart for the orphan and even in the chaos of our life,  the margin he has to add another brother to the pile.

Preparing For Orphan Sunday.....One Ophan Less In The Count?

Orphan Sunday is 10 weeks away.......

In preparation our family has started an initiative to help take one orphan out of the count by Orphan Sunday.  Our part is to support his hopefully-adoptive family to raise the $34000 to bring Brother home.  His story is compelling (they learned about him while adopting his biological sister in 2008 and there is a very brief window when they will be able to move forward due to his native countries rules.)  Logistically that means that we need pledges that equal $630 per day.  Every day, between now and October 1st to allow Katie and Randy to become the parents to Brother.  It's not that much in the big picture of orphan care but it's a key part of the story in this particular child's life.

So what if it doesn't happen?  What if we (under the Lord) are not able to raise the funds they need to finance this adoption? Then he will continue to be an orphan, one almost without hope to be adopted because of his age, country of origin and his challenging disabilities.   That's the kicker to me - here is one of the simplest orphan problems we will ever have to solve and there is still the question of if there will be money to pay the adoption costs.....

We are also working with our local church to move forward in raising Orphan Sunday awareness and are super excited to spend Friday night with the Desperation Band at New Life Church for the live simulcast.  Anyone want to meet us there?

My Very First NEW Stroller...and This Weeks Injury....

If I had known 14 years ago that I was going to be blessed with 11 kids I could have bought a high-end twin (or triple)  stroller with zero guilt.   Of course it would have most likely been in that nasty baby blue color that was popular in 1996 and I would hate it with a passion by now (like those maternity shirts from the 90's with the puppies and kittens on them....ICK!)  Instead I have limped along with ones I found at the thrift stores and garage sales- until this week.  I tried, I really did, to find another used one since ours was damaged in the move by the consistent rubbing on the back door of my van for 1000 miles.  5 months later I had settled that there are only three double strollers that fit into that gap behind the backdoor of the van and the 4th row seats.  It's a tiny space and angles out to only six inches at the top. (Who would think that the largest van on the road would have almost no storage?)  Two of the three strollers which would work were tempting but way out of my budget - this Graco was on sale for $110 and fit the space in the van perfectly.

Joe gets the injury of the week award for last week.  Thursday he tried to bring in the huge garbage can from the curb and dropped it on his big toe.  It's a nasty combination of toenail popping off and excessive fluid that has it soaking in Epsom salts as often as I can catch him.  Good thing he likes rubbing his feet on the crystals as they dissolve in the warm water...that's what this laughing picture is all about.

Bringing Brother Home........With Pieces Falling Into Place It's Really Only About the Money.

Remember Brother?  Over the past six weeks the pieces have been falling together for the family who adopted his sister in 2009 to move forward with adopting him also.  Some of them are big things - like meeting with their social worker and understanding what will have to happen in order for them to adopt him and others are wonderful small things like Katie finding a years supply of the special big kid diapers that he uses on super, super clearance at a local store (that's what a years worth looks like.)  They have peace about adopting him and are willing to embrace the challenge of his special needs - in their hearts they have claimed him as their own and are moving forward in pursuing his adoption.

So here we are ....looking at the reality of Brothers adoption Katie and Randy will need to update their homestudy in October (with $34,000 to stand behind their application) and have the immigration paperwork submitted by the end of the year.  Timing is crucial because this year they meet the requirements of his native country and next year they will most likely not.

So far there are $1500 in pledges toward his adoption.  All that leaves is $32,500 between Brother and the family that longs to embrace him.  It's not that much in the real world...if one person a day pledged $500 he would be home, or if four a day found $125 to share he would also have that opportunity. 

I think that the situation is perfect to see an amazing thing happen in this families life. 

Will we, as those who care about the fatherless, be moved to share his story further and see if we can help this one orphan, one of so many millions, be taken out of the count before Orphan Sunday?  I would dance circles for Randy to stand in front of his church and be able to share the news that Brothers debt had been paid and that they would be bringing him home as a part of Orphan Sunday.

For our part we are going to save our extra and pledge it towards bringing him home and I will put a thermometer here on the side bar to track what's happening with his adoption.....would you pray every time you see it that Brother  would call 2010 the year his parents claimed him and God moved many peoples hearts to help bring him home?  If you want to be a part of his story please comment under any post or send me an email. (Note: we wont call pledges in until the full amount has been raised.)

Encouraging Word on FASD........Celebrating Sucess With My Adult Friend.

Twice a week I have the opportunity to spend an hour or so with a friend my age who lives with an undiagnosed but fully visible manifestation of FASD.  She's a neat person and great resource for me as I can ask her questions that my kids can't answer.  Her story is almost a stereotype...born on the reservation, exposed to alcohol prenatally, she and her siblings were removed from parental care due to neglect and out of control alcoholism, raised by a 'normal' adoptivefamily, huge issues with memory and anger  which led to problems with school, an early pregnancy resulting in a child she could not raise, a series of jobs she couldn't keep, mental health complications (requiring large numbers of medications), no ability to drive, an inability to live independently with any success and miles behind her peers as she is looking at her mid-40's. 

That's her short story and I love spending time with her.

Last night she shared the amazing news with me (several times because she forgot she told me:) that she had not 'gone off the deep end' at a guy in a bar over the weekend.  He was bugging her and touching her and intentionally provoking her and she did not flip out and head off into a rage.  This was an amazing step of progress for her - it was wonderful to see her take pride in her behavior.  Her self controlling behavior, and I cant wait to see her again in a week to see if she has any more good news to share.

As a mom who needs to deal with rages in our home this success hits my heart.  I want to buy her roses, dance happy circles in the parking lot or play Rascal Flats really loud to help her celebrate this victory.  And a victory it is - I am so glad she shared it with me.

Molly's Twin's ............

Yeah!  Praise God!  Molly safely delivered her son and daughter yesterday.  I'm waiting for more details as she choses to share them but they have arrived!

Who's Most Likely to Drink When Pregnant?

In listening to the FASD and Prison podcast  with David Boulding this week the #1 thing that struck me were his comments about who was most likely to drink while pregnant.   Want to guess?

He said that it wasn't minority or impoverished women who expose their unborn children to the most alcohol. But that White, educated (4 or more years of college), wealthy (more than 400% of the poverty level) women.  He stated that they are drinking at 2-3 times the rate of their impoverished minority counterparts.  Which shakes my paradigm on how to change things immensely.

He went on to say that these children are not diagnosed under FASD because it isn't  generally being looked at by the psychologists who are hired to diagnose their problems.  Instead it's being identified as ADHD, ODD, LD etc but the underlying issue is permanent, preventable brain damage from prebirth exposure ot alcohol. The sad thing is that these kids might never be diagnosed because under DSM the ability to assign a psychological diagnosis to FAS is being disputed. (Not that they say it doesn't exist - it just isn't easy to put into a tidy diagnosis box.) and how many middle/upper class women can really admit to and face the reality that their social drinking habit may have caused irreparable harm to their child?  It's an amazing reality for them to live with and it's much easier to not consider a FASD diagnosis or to deny drinking (so no diagnosis can be made) than to face the reality that they have seriously injured their child.

So how do we reach these women?  Women of my peer group.  If they have been drinking, by the time they go in for that first 6 week OB visit the facial damage to their baby has already been done and much of the brain damage is well underway.  How about starting with the men?  What if we were educating these professional guys during their child fathering years (18-50) about the dangers of alcohol on pre-born babies?

In A Dry And Desert Land..........

After 28 year s on the coast, moving from Seattle to Minnesota was hard on my water soaked personality.  This recent move from Minnesota to the high desert plains of Colorado has left me feeling parched and desperate for sight of anything larger than a drainage pond.  Though our yard is large it's also very dry...grass isn't an option as we use so much water for baths and laundry that I would hate to add nurturing 1000's of little green plants to our monthly water bill.

Over the last few weeks we have been finding ways to beat the heat.....and the dryness.  Tuesday was "Two dollar Tuesday" at the local coffee shop so the kids and I made dinner out of 10 extra large fruit smoothies.  What a great investment of $20 (rather than the $50.00 they would be at regular price - which I would never buy!)  Even Isaac understood that there was something good in those plastic cups....

 

We also visited the only two free public spaces that we know of to get wet in Colorado Springs (no swimming in the two tiny lakes we have seen so far) America the Beautiful park and the Uncle Wilbur fountain in the heart of downtown on a street corner. 

Friday night was an almost rained out Cowboy Dinner at church....Big James joined us and was brave enough to go on the hayride twice with Robert and the kids through the drizzle.  I'm still a little confused over the large number of days with rainfall here in the desert.  It must just evaporate.....

'Maisy' braid patterns this week - I parted my girls in the same shape as their friend Maisy's back in MN.  Hers is caused by scars from surgery but this was to give their mom Julie a smile. Miss all you Martindales!

Baby Day! Molly's Twin Monday......

Time to pray for Molly - this morning she is being induced back in MN and I am praying that by the end of the day her arms will be overflowing with wiggling squirming twins!