I just stole this important post from Kari over at Coffee Catharsis: Copy and Paste confessed here ...Good thing she is a girlfriend!
"Please take 28 minutes and listen to this podcast called "Understanding Fetal Alcohol and why many of those affected end up in jail."
A few quotes from the podcast...
If you've got fetal alcohol, 75-85% chance you're going to jail.
At the end of the day you have to decide...do I help somebody or do I punish them?
Listen. Then tell someone else to listen.
PLEASE. "
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I Win! My Laptop is Back in Business!
After 10 day's of serious - beat your head on the table type of issues with my laptop and an honest attempt to resolve them myself, I finally called Microsoft today. I love that remote access feature where they just take over from India through the Internet and can see for themselves what is happening instead of me trying to explain to someone else what the problem is. It is so much better than trying to understand technical instructions and then preform the fixes and scans myself. Happy sigh...one thing fixed. :)
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
"Train Up a Child in The Way He Should Go......" it seemed so simple....
Proverbs 22:6 (ESV)
"Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it."
As I was driving to various appointments yesterday I ended up pondering this verse and trying to wrap my mind around what it means and how it has been applied within the church, the family and the larger community. My basic understanding (remember I'm a sleep deprived mom NOT claiming to be a theologian) is that if we lay a strong foundation of example, teaching and training when our kids are in our home then they should turn out to be reasonably solid citizens in the end, keeping to the basic ideals of the Christian faith and behaving in a way that demonstrates the way they were raised. Full stop in my thinking. Uh oh....am I really saying that through my diligent use of Biblical principles and ideals I can 'win' at the task of child raising? Check my heart here....how do I think about families who have raised 'wayward' children? Do I judge the parents and assume that they made mistakes or overlooked serious sin issues in their kids lives because they were....bad parents? Hummmmmm...I think I am guilty here. No, I know I am.
Which took me down the path of thinking about sin. We all sin - I have no problem accepting that. But we like to categorize. We say that being addicted to drugs is so much worse than hardening our hearts and judging the addict, we put the prostitute's sin higher than our own hidden thoughts and no longer value the life of the childmolester though we claim to value the life of the unborn child. But it isn't so. It's all under the same category of doing what we know we shouldn't and then not doing what we know we should - regardless of 'degree' of deviation from the standard we have set.
Thinking that through I realized again the my understanding and application of Proverbs 6:22 might be causing a serious conflict. Chances are (as in statistical analysis of FASD adults) that many of my kids are not going to 'turn out' the way I would hope regardless of how I parent them. Because of their brain damage they are likely to steal, become addicted to drugs and alcohol, spend time incarcerated, physically harm other people, become single parents of children who also have been exposed to alcohol, demonstrate an inability to parent those same kids, and live a life of chronic strife outside of the mainstream middle class. As much as I wish it wasn't so, this to a lesser or larger degree is the outcome of prenatal alcohol exposure - regardless of what I teach them about behavior and social expectations they are likely to not 'fit' into my behavior based understanding of Proverbs 22:6.
Unless....unless my goal in applying Proverbs 22:6 is not to ensure right outward behaviors but to train them up in the knowledge and understanding of the Lord. To know that there is a God, that he is almighty, all controlling and all forgiving. To pour into their hearts the knowledge that there is forgiveness for all sin through Christ and that they - regardless of how far they deviate from the norms of our society, how 'bad' other consider them, and how worthless they think themselves based on the opinion of others, are precious in His sight and therefore in mine.
Which makes parenting under this verse a very different thing doesn't it? It applies not only to people who believe the Bible, but those who accept the basic premise that we should be able to form our children's lives by what we teach when they are small. Which I think is most of American society and sets parents (and kids) up for some terrible blows when the behavioral outcome isn't what we think it should be. Isn't what we taught them. Isn't what we wished, hoped and worked for in their lives.
So in the end I am probably just thinking through something that scholars have considered for years. But as my own mind has to wrap around and realize my own set ideas about parenting I am amazed to see how much of the success I value in those around me is based not on their hearts but on their outward behaviors - which I think is wrong.
"Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it."
As I was driving to various appointments yesterday I ended up pondering this verse and trying to wrap my mind around what it means and how it has been applied within the church, the family and the larger community. My basic understanding (remember I'm a sleep deprived mom NOT claiming to be a theologian) is that if we lay a strong foundation of example, teaching and training when our kids are in our home then they should turn out to be reasonably solid citizens in the end, keeping to the basic ideals of the Christian faith and behaving in a way that demonstrates the way they were raised. Full stop in my thinking. Uh oh....am I really saying that through my diligent use of Biblical principles and ideals I can 'win' at the task of child raising? Check my heart here....how do I think about families who have raised 'wayward' children? Do I judge the parents and assume that they made mistakes or overlooked serious sin issues in their kids lives because they were....bad parents? Hummmmmm...I think I am guilty here. No, I know I am.
Which took me down the path of thinking about sin. We all sin - I have no problem accepting that. But we like to categorize. We say that being addicted to drugs is so much worse than hardening our hearts and judging the addict, we put the prostitute's sin higher than our own hidden thoughts and no longer value the life of the childmolester though we claim to value the life of the unborn child. But it isn't so. It's all under the same category of doing what we know we shouldn't and then not doing what we know we should - regardless of 'degree' of deviation from the standard we have set.
Thinking that through I realized again the my understanding and application of Proverbs 6:22 might be causing a serious conflict. Chances are (as in statistical analysis of FASD adults) that many of my kids are not going to 'turn out' the way I would hope regardless of how I parent them. Because of their brain damage they are likely to steal, become addicted to drugs and alcohol, spend time incarcerated, physically harm other people, become single parents of children who also have been exposed to alcohol, demonstrate an inability to parent those same kids, and live a life of chronic strife outside of the mainstream middle class. As much as I wish it wasn't so, this to a lesser or larger degree is the outcome of prenatal alcohol exposure - regardless of what I teach them about behavior and social expectations they are likely to not 'fit' into my behavior based understanding of Proverbs 22:6.
Unless....unless my goal in applying Proverbs 22:6 is not to ensure right outward behaviors but to train them up in the knowledge and understanding of the Lord. To know that there is a God, that he is almighty, all controlling and all forgiving. To pour into their hearts the knowledge that there is forgiveness for all sin through Christ and that they - regardless of how far they deviate from the norms of our society, how 'bad' other consider them, and how worthless they think themselves based on the opinion of others, are precious in His sight and therefore in mine.
Which makes parenting under this verse a very different thing doesn't it? It applies not only to people who believe the Bible, but those who accept the basic premise that we should be able to form our children's lives by what we teach when they are small. Which I think is most of American society and sets parents (and kids) up for some terrible blows when the behavioral outcome isn't what we think it should be. Isn't what we taught them. Isn't what we wished, hoped and worked for in their lives.
So in the end I am probably just thinking through something that scholars have considered for years. But as my own mind has to wrap around and realize my own set ideas about parenting I am amazed to see how much of the success I value in those around me is based not on their hearts but on their outward behaviors - which I think is wrong.
Interesting 'Orphan' Case in Nebraska...
Jedd pointed out a Nebraska case over the weekend and I think it's a fascinating piece of the 'orphan in America' puzzle. It continues the discussion of if an orphan can have two living parents.....here is an taste of what they had to say:
""While conservation of public resources is a worthy objective, it cannot justify the legal perpetuation of a parental relationship which no longer exists in fact, thereby permitting an abandoned child to linger indefinitely in foster care," Justice Kenneth Stephan wrote in the high court's unanimous decision.
"We agree with the observation of the juvenile court that the position taken by DHHS has made (the girl) a 'de facto orphan.'"
If you want to read the entire article it's linked above.
""While conservation of public resources is a worthy objective, it cannot justify the legal perpetuation of a parental relationship which no longer exists in fact, thereby permitting an abandoned child to linger indefinitely in foster care," Justice Kenneth Stephan wrote in the high court's unanimous decision.
"We agree with the observation of the juvenile court that the position taken by DHHS has made (the girl) a 'de facto orphan.'"
If you want to read the entire article it's linked above.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Dear Tired Mama.....
(This is a note specifically to a mom who left a note here last week with no way for me to respond. But it's also my note to the rest of the parents who read it and love kids with hidden and not -so -hidden disabilities.)
I don't know you, but last week you left a note here and shared your heart. You were brave enough to admit that the life you are living is not the one you dreamt of. The battles are not the ones you prepared for. The children are not the ones that you thought you would raise. Your reality is that instead of focusing on the ABC's and the 1,2,3's you are learning what acronyms mean - FASD, AS and who knows what else.
I hear your hearts cry and I want to encourage you to keep on loving your kids, trusting your husband and looking to the one who built your family perfectly. Perfect - even though it wasn't the design you thought you chose. You are not alone in your feelings ...most of us wake up shaking our heads some days, wondering what ever happened to those dreams and the woman who dreamt them.
Blessings ~
d
I don't know you, but last week you left a note here and shared your heart. You were brave enough to admit that the life you are living is not the one you dreamt of. The battles are not the ones you prepared for. The children are not the ones that you thought you would raise. Your reality is that instead of focusing on the ABC's and the 1,2,3's you are learning what acronyms mean - FASD, AS and who knows what else.
I hear your hearts cry and I want to encourage you to keep on loving your kids, trusting your husband and looking to the one who built your family perfectly. Perfect - even though it wasn't the design you thought you chose. You are not alone in your feelings ...most of us wake up shaking our heads some days, wondering what ever happened to those dreams and the woman who dreamt them.
Blessings ~
d
Lost: One Small Snake......
Daddy's gone for a few days and we have lost one small snake in my living room. Before we lost him I was looking on the Internet to try and figure out what type it was - black head, tan body, black spots and it was rumored to have black stripes on his belly. Not that I would know about those stripes - he escaped too fast for a positive ID and I sure wasn't going to pick him up and look at his underside. Nope, I'm with my mom on this one. Snakes in the house are nasty!
I don't mind looking at them behind glass or out in the wild, but having one loose in my house is not fun. Who wants to bet I step on it on one of my middle-of-the-night visits to the boys room?
WAIT I didn't share the great news! Joe and Jerry and Isaac all went to bed in their own room tonight without any histrionics or naughtiness. This is huge - the last time they were in their own beds (and not in our room) was before we moved in January. I think we are making progress and settling down at last. :)
I don't mind looking at them behind glass or out in the wild, but having one loose in my house is not fun. Who wants to bet I step on it on one of my middle-of-the-night visits to the boys room?
WAIT I didn't share the great news! Joe and Jerry and Isaac all went to bed in their own room tonight without any histrionics or naughtiness. This is huge - the last time they were in their own beds (and not in our room) was before we moved in January. I think we are making progress and settling down at last. :)
Friday, July 23, 2010
What is an Orphan?
This week a reader asked me the following question:
"I wonder if you would consider writing a post on the word "orphan." The kids you've adopted into your family, some might say, are not orphans in the true sense of the word. So when we say "Orphan Sunday" who are we referring to and why? (that sort of thing ...)"
It's a great question and one that can become a bone of contention in some circles. I looked the definition up and was surprised to see terms I had never heard like 'half-orphan' (one parent died), 'full orphan' (both parents died), 'maternal orphan' (mother died), and 'paternal orphan' (father died) and 'true orphan.' I guess in our world today there is so much specificity to our words that we might get lost in the details. Death seemed to be the common thread in the definition though there was some indication that abandonment counted also.
Within my own paradigm an orphan is a person who has no parents present (adopted or biological) to care for and nurture them. An orphan can be an adult in my thinking, though the societal responsibility to them is different as most adults are self-sufficient. I think that if a child's parents terminate their rights either voluntarily (as in a relinquishment) or involuntarily (court action or death), the child becomes an orphan because the familial relationship has ended and the ties of responsibility have been cut.
So...were my US adopted children who had both biological parents alive really orphans? I would say yes - because the original bond between my children and their biological parents was broken - for their own reasons they (the biological parents) were either not willing or not able to parent these children and the child/parent relationship was severed. As in any adoption, we stepped into that vacant parental role and through the courts were granted the 'rights and responsibilities' of parents. Though they never spent time in an orphanage most of ours were in foster care (ranging from 10 days to 10 months) and there was a period where they had no legal ' parents.'
Does that logic work? I am aware that the 'baby stealing' and 'marketing' that has gone on within adoption recently has raised many red flags about human trafficing and 'true orphans.' But that is a whole huge issue that I can't even go into because this is personal opinion post not a legal deffinition. Phew! So glad i escaped law school!
"I wonder if you would consider writing a post on the word "orphan." The kids you've adopted into your family, some might say, are not orphans in the true sense of the word. So when we say "Orphan Sunday" who are we referring to and why? (that sort of thing ...)"
It's a great question and one that can become a bone of contention in some circles. I looked the definition up and was surprised to see terms I had never heard like 'half-orphan' (one parent died), 'full orphan' (both parents died), 'maternal orphan' (mother died), and 'paternal orphan' (father died) and 'true orphan.' I guess in our world today there is so much specificity to our words that we might get lost in the details. Death seemed to be the common thread in the definition though there was some indication that abandonment counted also.
Within my own paradigm an orphan is a person who has no parents present (adopted or biological) to care for and nurture them. An orphan can be an adult in my thinking, though the societal responsibility to them is different as most adults are self-sufficient. I think that if a child's parents terminate their rights either voluntarily (as in a relinquishment) or involuntarily (court action or death), the child becomes an orphan because the familial relationship has ended and the ties of responsibility have been cut.
So...were my US adopted children who had both biological parents alive really orphans? I would say yes - because the original bond between my children and their biological parents was broken - for their own reasons they (the biological parents) were either not willing or not able to parent these children and the child/parent relationship was severed. As in any adoption, we stepped into that vacant parental role and through the courts were granted the 'rights and responsibilities' of parents. Though they never spent time in an orphanage most of ours were in foster care (ranging from 10 days to 10 months) and there was a period where they had no legal ' parents.'
Does that logic work? I am aware that the 'baby stealing' and 'marketing' that has gone on within adoption recently has raised many red flags about human trafficing and 'true orphans.' But that is a whole huge issue that I can't even go into because this is personal opinion post not a legal deffinition. Phew! So glad i escaped law school!
4 Monday Weeks....
Wow am I ready for this to be a Friday! I have had enough 'Monday' for at least a month......here is my farewell to an extra long week at our house.....
If you give a mom a week with too many Mondays she will need an extra pot of coffee,
Because without it she will hit a huge tree with the van and shatter the mirror,
And the oldest daughter will break her arm,
Which will definitely make the toilet overflow.
And if there is work to do...
The power will go out,
and the laptop will develop a terminal illness,
And three things that were fixed will be broken again.
And because it's 'that sort of week,'
A new medicine will have scary side effects for one child,
And 8 out of 13 will develop a nasty cold,
Which means snot is being wiped on every flat surface by the under 4's,
And the baby's pacifier 'will not work' ...so he screams.
And if there isn't an endless pot...
They will set the smoke detector off, and off, and off....
And have to clean up the mess from our first flash flood in the yard,
Because things will not have been put away.
Which in turn makes the one with mono super crabby since he has to work but has the cold also,
And the mom just wants a nap (since babies are not sleeping),
But the toddler who isn't sick wants to play-
so no nap for mom.
Then all the crayfish die in the sensory pond,
And one little girl continues to cry over sad songs on the radio - huge sobs,
And the mom pays the bills, and cooks the meals
And hopes that maybe,
Next week will only have one Monday
because there isn't a close enough Starbucks for another 4 Monday week!
If you give a mom a week with too many Mondays she will need an extra pot of coffee,
Because without it she will hit a huge tree with the van and shatter the mirror,
And the oldest daughter will break her arm,
Which will definitely make the toilet overflow.
And if there is work to do...
The power will go out,
and the laptop will develop a terminal illness,
And three things that were fixed will be broken again.
And because it's 'that sort of week,'
A new medicine will have scary side effects for one child,
And 8 out of 13 will develop a nasty cold,
Which means snot is being wiped on every flat surface by the under 4's,
And the baby's pacifier 'will not work' ...so he screams.
And if there isn't an endless pot...
They will set the smoke detector off, and off, and off....
And have to clean up the mess from our first flash flood in the yard,
Because things will not have been put away.
Which in turn makes the one with mono super crabby since he has to work but has the cold also,
And the mom just wants a nap (since babies are not sleeping),
But the toddler who isn't sick wants to play-
so no nap for mom.
Then all the crayfish die in the sensory pond,
And one little girl continues to cry over sad songs on the radio - huge sobs,
And the mom pays the bills, and cooks the meals
And hopes that maybe,
Next week will only have one Monday
because there isn't a close enough Starbucks for another 4 Monday week!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Driving With Faulty Breaks: Understanding the Why Disconnect With My FASD Kiddos......
The longer I parent kids with FASD, the more I realize that the traditional method of asking Why questions to help them learn desired behaviors just isn't very helpful. It's not worthless and I do use it to help them understand what is happening but usually when I ask a Why question about their behaviors the answer is 'I don't know' which often is the truth.
I think the main reason behind 'I don't know' is that even though their brain might understand and be able to verbalize the rule they broke (hitting, stealing, lying.... whatever) their actions and behaviors are impulse driven and not listening to their heads. This isn't simple childishness or immaturity, it's something much more. A breakdown in that basic emotional/behavioral/mental connection that makes cause/effect logic so much harder for them to use.
So here it is applied....when I ask a non alcohol affected child Why they did something I am really asking a compound question which is.... "Why did you do that? You should have stopped because you know it's wrong and you don't want to get in trouble."
But for my kiddos with alcohol damage it's not a fair question. It's like they are driving through life with breaks that are about to give out. Sometimes the breaks grab and they are able to stop as they approach a stop sign. Other times, no matter how much hard they pump those breaks they just cant stop and end up plowing past the sign and into oncoming traffic. When they are trying to think through my Why question it's really developing something more like this.... "Why did my body do what my mind knew was wrong, I sure don't want to get into trouble again but I just couldn't stop. Why? I sure don't know!"
Can you see the subtle difference? We assume if you know something is wrong that you make a conscious decision to either do it or not. And that you are willing to accept the consequences of your action once you hit a certain age. But in my kids with FASD I don't see the same cause-effect impulse control ability based on past history connecting we expect. (That was such a bad sentence!) Which makes the Why questions really hard for them to wrap their brains around and sort of a weak avenue for me to take in helping them learn.
Why is a canary in my parenting coal-mine. When I find that I am using it too many times a day with my kids who have FASD then I know I am holding them to a behavioral and mental standard that isn't fair to them. Why in the normal realm is a question for people who have impulse control not kids fighting every day for success in even the smallest piece of impulse control.
I think the main reason behind 'I don't know' is that even though their brain might understand and be able to verbalize the rule they broke (hitting, stealing, lying.... whatever) their actions and behaviors are impulse driven and not listening to their heads. This isn't simple childishness or immaturity, it's something much more. A breakdown in that basic emotional/behavioral/mental connection that makes cause/effect logic so much harder for them to use.
So here it is applied....when I ask a non alcohol affected child Why they did something I am really asking a compound question which is.... "Why did you do that? You should have stopped because you know it's wrong and you don't want to get in trouble."
But for my kiddos with alcohol damage it's not a fair question. It's like they are driving through life with breaks that are about to give out. Sometimes the breaks grab and they are able to stop as they approach a stop sign. Other times, no matter how much hard they pump those breaks they just cant stop and end up plowing past the sign and into oncoming traffic. When they are trying to think through my Why question it's really developing something more like this.... "Why did my body do what my mind knew was wrong, I sure don't want to get into trouble again but I just couldn't stop. Why? I sure don't know!"
Can you see the subtle difference? We assume if you know something is wrong that you make a conscious decision to either do it or not. And that you are willing to accept the consequences of your action once you hit a certain age. But in my kids with FASD I don't see the same cause-effect impulse control ability based on past history connecting we expect. (That was such a bad sentence!) Which makes the Why questions really hard for them to wrap their brains around and sort of a weak avenue for me to take in helping them learn.
Why is a canary in my parenting coal-mine. When I find that I am using it too many times a day with my kids who have FASD then I know I am holding them to a behavioral and mental standard that isn't fair to them. Why in the normal realm is a question for people who have impulse control not kids fighting every day for success in even the smallest piece of impulse control.
Two Monday Weeks...
When Life has been crazy over the weekend we sometimes end up with "Two Monday Weeks." It's those weeks where we need 48 rather than 24 hours to get back on track and recover from the weekends fun. This is one of those weeks......
I knew it was a Second Monday when I was barely able to get out of bed on Tuesday morning. My muscles ached and I felt like I hadn't slept a wink - though in truth I had slept 9 hours. That's not too unusual right now - I'm recovering from Mono and expect a few more months of that, but it isn't a great way to start my day.
It was the usual round of grumpy kids and post-weekend mess to deal with since I had ignored it all on the 'real' Monday and tried to sort out some unpacking organizational dilemmas instead. By three in the afternoon I was ready to tackle the mountain of dishes that had accumulated in the time between the boys using my last sink sponge in ways that no longer made it kitchen approved and this Second Monday. Morning had been over full with Leah's Dyslexia appointment and a park play time that included capturing and bringing home a mess of baby crayfish as 'pets.'
I knew it was a Second Monday when I was barely able to get out of bed on Tuesday morning. My muscles ached and I felt like I hadn't slept a wink - though in truth I had slept 9 hours. That's not too unusual right now - I'm recovering from Mono and expect a few more months of that, but it isn't a great way to start my day.
It was the usual round of grumpy kids and post-weekend mess to deal with since I had ignored it all on the 'real' Monday and tried to sort out some unpacking organizational dilemmas instead. By three in the afternoon I was ready to tackle the mountain of dishes that had accumulated in the time between the boys using my last sink sponge in ways that no longer made it kitchen approved and this Second Monday. Morning had been over full with Leah's Dyslexia appointment and a park play time that included capturing and bringing home a mess of baby crayfish as 'pets.' My sink filling was abruptly ended when Leah came to the back door yelling "I need help!" Since she is one of my calmest and quietest kids my thinking went to a tangle the wasps nest or other such problem. This time it was a little more serious than the usual yard accident and definatetly beat the need to do dishes - she had fallen off the rope swing and obviously broken her wrist.
It was the quickest ER visit we have had in a long time. In under three hours she had two sets of xrays and been knocked out so that they could set the wrist. It's broken at the growth plate but we were both happy to be told didn't need the surgery they first anticipated.
She was a trooper and hardly shed a tear though it obviously hurt a lot. It was pretty funny that it took a full adult dose to put this 80 pound girl under and four adults to hold her still while they set the wrist. One nurse almost took a round kick to the head because she let go. :) The first picture is Leah in pain - the second one is her feeling no pain after it was set asking for her black and white rabbit because it was bed time and she was absolutely not going to go back to sleep without it.
When we left the hospital at 6:00pm it was only a 15 minute drive home. Expect that it started raining...and hailing..and all of a sudden it was our first flash flood situation. How glad I was to have the 15 passenger van with it's extra clearance! It took us almost two hours to get home because we pull over when the wipers couldn't handle the rain and then work our way through the high water to get home. By the time I left home to get her pain meds at Target half an hour later, the water was almost gone and nothing looked unusual except the chunks of pavement that had been displaced by the water ...strange place this Colorado!
This is the side of the road that had overflowed and was what we were driving through in one of the major 6 lane roads home. It was fast and deep!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Orphan Sunday: Thinking Ahead....
Not that I am a total A-type calendar control freak (most days) but what are your plans for the weekend of November 7th? Are you willing to put aside other things that weekend to focus in your own way on the plight of the orphan? I am starting to think about how our family can be involved this year and am excited to see all the ways that individuals and larger groups pick up the call from Isiah to "Defend the cause of the fatherless." I wore my 2009 Orphan Sunday shift to encourage myself to start planning and Lily took a photo of me to share.
Summer School At The Dyslexia Center....
More On Bringing Brother Home....
At the end of last week I posted on the need for prayer over Brothers adoption. I have had great responses from many of you wanting to be a part of bringing him home. His hopefully adoptive parents are in a strange position right now where they have to have most or all of the $34,000 in place for his adoption before they can be approved on their home study and that has to be done before anything else.
Due to various factors in their life they can't do this in a traditional incremental way (paying for each piece as it comes along, using loans to ridge shortfalls etc..) and they have the added burden of needing to proceed with the adoption in the next 9 months or their window of opportunity to adopt him will be closed due to country requirements. They are waiting, holding their breath to see if God is going to move someone into the position of full sponsor for this child - knowing that they have no way to make it happen in their own resources.
Because of this they have asked that we not have people donate directly to them...in case the answer to their prayers is 'no' they dont' want to have those donations in their account for an adoption that didn't happen. I understand their position fully - it's hard to ask for help especially when they need such a large amount of money to make this adoption possible. Here's my idea...if anyone feels led to help Brother become a part of Katie and Randy's family I would happily track and record pledges toward their adoption. No money would be collected until they had enough to move forward and I would LOVE to be the one to send everyone an email saying "THERE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH!" For anyone that has sent a check forward to me - I can either return it or hold it until we know better what direction this is going to take. Feel free to email or post a response here to let us know you want to be a part of bringing Brother home.
Due to various factors in their life they can't do this in a traditional incremental way (paying for each piece as it comes along, using loans to ridge shortfalls etc..) and they have the added burden of needing to proceed with the adoption in the next 9 months or their window of opportunity to adopt him will be closed due to country requirements. They are waiting, holding their breath to see if God is going to move someone into the position of full sponsor for this child - knowing that they have no way to make it happen in their own resources.
Because of this they have asked that we not have people donate directly to them...in case the answer to their prayers is 'no' they dont' want to have those donations in their account for an adoption that didn't happen. I understand their position fully - it's hard to ask for help especially when they need such a large amount of money to make this adoption possible. Here's my idea...if anyone feels led to help Brother become a part of Katie and Randy's family I would happily track and record pledges toward their adoption. No money would be collected until they had enough to move forward and I would LOVE to be the one to send everyone an email saying "THERE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH!" For anyone that has sent a check forward to me - I can either return it or hold it until we know better what direction this is going to take. Feel free to email or post a response here to let us know you want to be a part of bringing Brother home.
Monday Morning...Fences, Wasps, Therapy and a second cup of coffee.....
It took three days, four men from the fence company and all of the energy that Robert (that's him with the axe) and I could muster up but the fence is done! Yeah! Wahoo! For the first time since we moved the kiddos have a place to play that is self contained - which means that I don't have to watch them quite so closely when they are outside. Of course one of my more resourceful ones just dismantled the lock on the computer cabinet and brought me the pieces...less one of course. Sigh.....
Here is the finished product. We pushed the new fence line out to the sidewalk and gained as much 'new' space as we had in our entire Minneapolis yard. It's crazy to get used to having all this area.
We also found that the small yellow-jacket nest on the North side of the house has grown and the residents were not thrilled to have the kids playing hide and seek there last night. Both Josh and Noel got stung and my basic mommy bee spray hasn't solved the problem as they are up inside the stucco around the window. I called the local exterminator this morning and I had to laugh when this perfect stranger from the yellow pages said "are you the lady with all the kids? I drove past that corner last week and saw them all out playing..." I guess we are back to really being a 'City on a Hill" nowhere to hide here!
It's time for Leah's Dyslexia appointment so I'm headed off with the resot of the gang to explore another city park for those two hours - working hard to make the best of every day and every thing on the schedule. Another cup of coffee, a quick shower and I will be ready for all the things that will happen in the next 12 hours. Or at least as ready as I will ever be!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Weekend Fence Project....it's in the 90's and busy!
It's fencing weekend and I not a day too soon...the deer have managed to eat the apples off the trees as far as they can reach, ravage the rhubarb and have turned toward the petunias and yuccas. It was cute for while to have the fauns (there are triplets) wander through the yard , but mommy is a pest and the yearling males are just a pain. It will be so good to have a fence to keep them out - ours has been broken since we moved in and turned into the deer super highway. One of them actually hid her baby under our bush this week and went off to find herself breakfast....even the deer think I'm a daycare!
This is the old fence. Vintage 1972 with rotting posts and layers of lead paint. It was falling down faster than I could keep up with repairs so I just gave up about a month ago. The green temporary fence worked great for the kids..but the deer just walked over it and broke the posts.
Friday morning the crew came and dismantled the fence (I think they enjoyed it - since it wasn't hard work with it 50% rotted.) Everyone ended up helping on Friday - we had to clear the path for the new fence line which included removing the 10 year old volunteer trees and the stumps that came with them. Hard work but great to get it done. Later today I will post photos of the finished product....and yes we did go with that wonderful commercial steel option.
Five Special Things About Parenting Kids With FASD....
- I love the fact that my kids with FASD are full of energy. No couch potatoes here.
- I love the fact that they are never bored. All I have to do is leave out a tool and they can come up with 100 different things to do with it....regardless of all those boring rules we neurotypical people follow.
- I love the fact that they are not embarrassed about being treated like 'a baby' - because they are emotionally very immature I end up holding hands with them for safety in public, having them sit on my lap at church, encouraging them (yes encouraging) to suck their thumbs if it helps them calm down - even if they are 9 or 10 years old. Which I am sure drives strangers crazy. :)
- I love the fact that they are always underfoot - they are the first in our home to pitch in and haul brush, remove stumps with a hammer or start digging through the refrigerator looking for a snack.
- I love their big need for rest and structure. Because their behaviors are worse when they are tired or off their routine I have to stick to a less busy schedule than most moms. It works for me and I get to spend an hour on the computer or reading each day because I have to be in the room when they nap.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Raging...What can we do?
Great post today on Rages:What Can You Do over at Coffee Cartharsis. They are often a reality of FASD/RAD and other similar conditions.
Every Child is Priceless...Please Pray That This Particular Child's Adoption Fees Will Be Covered...
I have an adoption friend named Katie - last year she and her husband Randy adopted this precious girl with special needs from one of those Eastern European countries where it's a really bad to be an orphan and horrific to be a disabled one. In the process of adopting their daughter they discovered that she has a biological brother at the orphanage who was diagnosed with CP and they would like to adopt him also.
No problem...perfect situation for both kids and family - right?
Sure, except they are $34,000 short on covering a second adoption from this particular country in so short a time frame. Here is a photo of Brother and Sister together before she joined her new family.
In a perfect world we all agree that adoption shouldn't be about money, but in this case it 100% is. This family is perfectly able and willing to care for Brother physically and emotionally from this moment forward - but they just don't have the ability to cover those high international adoption costs so soon after the first adoption. A reality which ties their hands and breaks their hearts.
Would you pray with us that the stupid obstacle of money would be overcome? I am specifically asking that someone with a heart for the orphan, in particular the orphan with serious physical challenges, would step forward and claim the opportunity to change Brother's life and the path of Katie and Randy's footsteps forever.
What is the value of a life? Brothers situation takes me back to the book Priceless and the reality that $34,000 is all that stands between him and his forever family - these strong normal people who are willing to take this wild chance and claim him as their sixth precious child.
Taking this to a personal level, my three biological children each cost more than Brothers adoption costs due to high-risk prenatal care. I think that every penny invested by our insurance company and out of our pocket to bring our kids into the world was well worth it. This is a similar investment for Brother except that he is old enough to think and grieve and hope that there is a family who will consider him worth the cost and fight to bring him home. He doesn't know it yet but that family is ready...prayerfully facing down that monster of a bill that stands between them. Let's pray on this one together.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Thought For The Day: Orphanages and FASD......
I woke up this morning with one thought in my head. "What if the horrible orphanage situation that developed in Eastern Europe and other areas of the world developed partly out of the need to care for a large number of orphaned FASD kids?" My second thought was coffee because it was an up-down night for a couple of the kids - but that is another story....
As the mom to a group of kids with FASD I have total sympathy for the unsuspecting people..nuns, governmental agency or whomever that finds themselves responsible for a large group of children where there is a high percentage of FASD. Shoot, I can even understand some of the decisions they made regarding care and environment having lived with my tornado-driven crew.
That makes it the topic of the week for me and I cant wait to dig in and try looking into the history of orphanages in high FASD countries and alcoholism/drinking habits in the general public. I don't know what I will find...but since the brain damage of FASD occurs before birth it does lead to a series of interesting questions about the orphanages and adoptions. Any book or article recommendations?
As the mom to a group of kids with FASD I have total sympathy for the unsuspecting people..nuns, governmental agency or whomever that finds themselves responsible for a large group of children where there is a high percentage of FASD. Shoot, I can even understand some of the decisions they made regarding care and environment having lived with my tornado-driven crew.
That makes it the topic of the week for me and I cant wait to dig in and try looking into the history of orphanages in high FASD countries and alcoholism/drinking habits in the general public. I don't know what I will find...but since the brain damage of FASD occurs before birth it does lead to a series of interesting questions about the orphanages and adoptions. Any book or article recommendations?
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
On The Fence...
At this point in life almost all of my kids are 'on the fence' with their disabilities. Not that their disabilities might go away - it's just that due to their developmental stages the challenges are not overwhelmingly obvious to the general public. On any given day we can pass as a neurotypical family and strangers we meet wont notice much different about us except the number of kids, that I seem to be a control freak over strange things and that my kids are a little over the top in their behaviors. Of course, there are those other days when strangers meet us and assume that we are either horribly neglectful or perhaps our kids have unseen challenges. The weird thing is that the second type - those crisis-filled days are almost easier to manage because those are what our life really is.
Our passing leads to an interesting dilemma because we usually don't fit into the world of disability while at the same time that there is no way for us to really fit into the main stream either. Our kids are doing too good to be eligible for services on one hand but have all sorts of medical/educational/psychological needs on the other. It's a weird place to live and it makes my head spin as I try to sort out how to think about what we should and should not do on a daily basis. It's good for me to get used to it now because I think this in-between place is where many of the FASD and AS kids end up living their whole lives....walking the fence.
Our passing leads to an interesting dilemma because we usually don't fit into the world of disability while at the same time that there is no way for us to really fit into the main stream either. Our kids are doing too good to be eligible for services on one hand but have all sorts of medical/educational/psychological needs on the other. It's a weird place to live and it makes my head spin as I try to sort out how to think about what we should and should not do on a daily basis. It's good for me to get used to it now because I think this in-between place is where many of the FASD and AS kids end up living their whole lives....walking the fence.
This Weeks Read: "When Invisible Children Sing".......
This week I tackled When Invisible Children Sing by Dr Chi Huang. I need to give it a pretty strong PG13 warning because it deals honestly with the horrors of street life for children in Las Paz, Bolivia. But I put it on the 'must read list' for adults who what to know what happens to the invisible poor in our world. Yes, he is a Christian and writes with a Biblical perspective, but I don't think this changes his readability to anyone who wants to understand the facts of living on the streets of Bolivia.
I loved the honesty he put into this book and hated the reality of what these children endure...
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Anyone Need a Reality Break? Armchair Travels With My Cousin...
I love reading what my cousin Natalie has to share about her life in Dubai and explorations in the region. As the mom to two, committed runner and excellent photographer she gives me a three minute vacation every time she posts. Best news is that she is 'G ' rated (with an occasional PG 13 for alcohol discussions or reality checks about being a woman in that part of the world.) There is nothing on her blog I wouldn't let my kids read and it's a great window into a very different world....especially as I sit out on my deck watching the 6 youngest above Isaac knocking windfall apples around the yard with hockey sticks - no serious injuries yet.
FASD Parenting: Changing My Attitude to Get Through the Day...
FASD has been the hot topic in my life lately. Every day seems to take a different angle of the same issues..how to we teach, train, love, protect, encourage and educate our children with FASD without losing our minds. The discussions have come from every corner - foster moms with both diagnosed and undiagnosed kids in their homes, adoptive parents who have lost the ability to have empathy - or even want to parent the kids they fought so hard to adopt, and moms to teens who are now bringing the next generation of babies with FASD into our world. It's been a tidal wave of reality as I meet and encourage women who have seriously considered running away from their kids because of FASD and others who's lives are a constant cycle of pain because they refuse to adapt to parenting kids with hidden disabilities.
Last week I focused on what had stopped working in my parenting life - the classic cause/effect system of parenting. I pondered the effects that this parenting style has on my kids with FASD (or other similar brain damage) and asked if it was right to keep trying the same techniques with such constant failures.
This week I am going to focus on what has worked in parenting my kids with FASD. Reality is that there is a lot that works - but none of it is mainstream or concisely written down in a popular book. Most of it is by the seat of my pants rather than applied to the seat of their pants and some of it makes no sense at all to parents who don't have alcohol affected kids. So here we go.....
The first thing I have had to change is my attitude. I have to remind myself daily that my kids are working really hard to understand and function in our world. They are not the enemy, they have not ruined my life and there is no magic wand that I can wave to undo their brain damage. I have also had to wrap my brain in a different way around the difference between sinful behaviors, childish defiance and decisions/actions taken because of brain damage. Each of my kids with FASD has all three categories of trouble on a daily basis and I have to be in a clear enough place to discern where the issue is originating. That's the first piece for me to parent these kids well - I have to see clearly without my own anger and to do that I must be grounded in God's Word, in tune with each child and focused on what is important in each situation.
Believe me I fail at this - I get mad, tired, tense and crabby. I lash out at a child who can't understand the simple instruction to chose a pair of their shoes and put them on and in an instant I am part of a serious melt down scene. Good news is...with so many affected kids in our home I have plenty of opportunities to do it right the next time....which is comforting in a sick-humor sort of way.
Last week I focused on what had stopped working in my parenting life - the classic cause/effect system of parenting. I pondered the effects that this parenting style has on my kids with FASD (or other similar brain damage) and asked if it was right to keep trying the same techniques with such constant failures.
This week I am going to focus on what has worked in parenting my kids with FASD. Reality is that there is a lot that works - but none of it is mainstream or concisely written down in a popular book. Most of it is by the seat of my pants rather than applied to the seat of their pants and some of it makes no sense at all to parents who don't have alcohol affected kids. So here we go.....
The first thing I have had to change is my attitude. I have to remind myself daily that my kids are working really hard to understand and function in our world. They are not the enemy, they have not ruined my life and there is no magic wand that I can wave to undo their brain damage. I have also had to wrap my brain in a different way around the difference between sinful behaviors, childish defiance and decisions/actions taken because of brain damage. Each of my kids with FASD has all three categories of trouble on a daily basis and I have to be in a clear enough place to discern where the issue is originating. That's the first piece for me to parent these kids well - I have to see clearly without my own anger and to do that I must be grounded in God's Word, in tune with each child and focused on what is important in each situation.
Believe me I fail at this - I get mad, tired, tense and crabby. I lash out at a child who can't understand the simple instruction to chose a pair of their shoes and put them on and in an instant I am part of a serious melt down scene. Good news is...with so many affected kids in our home I have plenty of opportunities to do it right the next time....which is comforting in a sick-humor sort of way.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Snow in July? Really?
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Rocky Mountian Weather........
In Minnesota a storm like this one rotating overhead and dropping loads of hail and multiple close lightening strikes would have been cause for a little concern, or at least checking the weather reports on the radio. Here is Colorado there are very few 'sever weather' reports, no sirens and a general lack of excitement over storms that threw us into fit's on the plains. To be fair, there are not many tornadoes here but still - this mommy early alert system has had plenty of use this year already. 
And once the storms pass isn't exactly painful to sit in the stadium looking out over the Rocky Mountains and wait for the kids to be done at soccer camp...Two Carpeted Bathrooms Down...One To Go!
Totally off the topic of FASD we have had a huge week of making our home more practical for a family of 13. My favorite project was ripping out the carpet and 70's vinyl tile out of the basement bathroom and creating a much more functional space. No beauty in the finished result, but for $200 and a few half days invested by Robert and I it is a great long-term temporary solution to the pee and shower water saturated carpeting and 1972 perma-plug toilet. A tad commercial with the off white floor and high capacity Toto toilet...but just what I needed for the boys to use daily and I was able to match the wallpaper to the rubber base molding which made me happy.
Clarification: FASD and the Challenge of Cause/Effect training...
Some of the personal email that followed my post on FASD and the Cause/Effect disconnect earlier this week indicated a need to spend a little more time explaining this piece of the puzzle. It's not that most of the people with FASD can't understand things which have cause/effect reactions - many can verbalize and explain all sorts of cause/effect relationships. And since a lowered IQ isn't necessarily a part of FASD it's sort of hard to understand how a normally IQ'd person can seem to understand the correlations between actions and reactions but not change what they do based on that understanding.
That's the disconnect. My kids know that hitting the window with a block will break it....it's been proven many times in our Minneapolis house. But accidents happen, and with my neurotypical kids I am fairly sure that excepting a brain freeze or flying hot wheel they wont be breaking any more windows - the 12 last year were enough for them to learn. And though my kids with FASD have had the same training and experiences (and are many years older than some of the others) I can not be sure that they will not take a block and break a window today. Or run ahead and out into traffic, or touch another child inappropriately, or eat green apples off the tree, or poop on the floor...or any number of things that other children learn by experiencing cause and effect and then applying self control so that they don't have a negative outcome the next time the situation rolls around. I wont say that they 'never' can do it but it is sure is unusual when they do and the learning curve takes forever!
That's the disconnect. My kids know that hitting the window with a block will break it....it's been proven many times in our Minneapolis house. But accidents happen, and with my neurotypical kids I am fairly sure that excepting a brain freeze or flying hot wheel they wont be breaking any more windows - the 12 last year were enough for them to learn. And though my kids with FASD have had the same training and experiences (and are many years older than some of the others) I can not be sure that they will not take a block and break a window today. Or run ahead and out into traffic, or touch another child inappropriately, or eat green apples off the tree, or poop on the floor...or any number of things that other children learn by experiencing cause and effect and then applying self control so that they don't have a negative outcome the next time the situation rolls around. I wont say that they 'never' can do it but it is sure is unusual when they do and the learning curve takes forever!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
FASD and Immaturity.........
I love (in a sick..this is so my life sort of way) what my friend Barb had to share on the immaturity side of FASD. Grown up bodies and little kid brains and emotions....this is reality on a daily level.
FASD and the Tornado Tendancy......
Our first child with FASD was pretty mild as a toddler and preschooler. Because of this we were lulled into a sense of false security and under the delusion that we could train/modify the destructive behaviors that we saw in his FASD peers. Ha...the joke is so on us and the FASD tornadoes regularly rip through our house today leaving a trail of home repairs. I guess it's good that I am reasonably handy with my tools - otherwise the honey-do list would be miles long.
Recently they have ripped the towel rack off the wall (and then beat the wall with the pieces), dismantled both screen door closers (again!) and 'lost' (eaten, flushed or thrown away) the hardware, learned the fun of flooding portions of the yard with hoses (going on-line to purchase these faucet locks next), made the toilet 'erupt' too many times to count, climbed 8 feet to the top shelf in the garage and pulled down (and broken) the drawer to the fridge I had removed so that we wouldn't break it, pushed all the buttons on the washer so that it is in perma-wash mode(I'm going to unplug that next to see if it will reset), broken off at least 4 sprinkler heads (which goes along with the hose fun), found the ILS therapy set and dismantled the head phones...the same set that just had $450 of repairs in June, broke the safety rail on the bunkbed (as in shattered a 2x6 board), murdered two separate cd players and an uncounted number of cd's have been snapped in half because it's fun. Which isn't to include any of the 'normal' kid things like using saws as axes (and breaking the handles off) snapping my safety glasses in two because it made a cool sound and taking those broken handled saws to the picnic table and making a series of cuts all the way down. And I can almost be happy about all the broken mugs and bowls....soon enough we will be out and I will need to buy more - yeah for retail therapy!
I'm not complaining here - just making a statement that there is a strong tendency with FASD to engage with their environments much like tornadoes. There are days when mine sweep through the house leaving wide paths of destruction, dumping and chaos that amaze even me. And these are not angry moments of destruction - just everyday normal ones. Angry destruction is another topic entirely...
Recently they have ripped the towel rack off the wall (and then beat the wall with the pieces), dismantled both screen door closers (again!) and 'lost' (eaten, flushed or thrown away) the hardware, learned the fun of flooding portions of the yard with hoses (going on-line to purchase these faucet locks next), made the toilet 'erupt' too many times to count, climbed 8 feet to the top shelf in the garage and pulled down (and broken) the drawer to the fridge I had removed so that we wouldn't break it, pushed all the buttons on the washer so that it is in perma-wash mode(I'm going to unplug that next to see if it will reset), broken off at least 4 sprinkler heads (which goes along with the hose fun), found the ILS therapy set and dismantled the head phones...the same set that just had $450 of repairs in June, broke the safety rail on the bunkbed (as in shattered a 2x6 board), murdered two separate cd players and an uncounted number of cd's have been snapped in half because it's fun. Which isn't to include any of the 'normal' kid things like using saws as axes (and breaking the handles off) snapping my safety glasses in two because it made a cool sound and taking those broken handled saws to the picnic table and making a series of cuts all the way down. And I can almost be happy about all the broken mugs and bowls....soon enough we will be out and I will need to buy more - yeah for retail therapy!I'm not complaining here - just making a statement that there is a strong tendency with FASD to engage with their environments much like tornadoes. There are days when mine sweep through the house leaving wide paths of destruction, dumping and chaos that amaze even me. And these are not angry moments of destruction - just everyday normal ones. Angry destruction is another topic entirely...
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
FASD and Cause/Effect..... (or WAIT? Is this child abuse?!)
I'm wrestling through a huge paradigm shift within my parenting right now. It' like waking up one day and discovering that the AMA has decided that milk is bad for kids and the we should really be giving them Mountain Dew with all meals. Or the reality check 30 seconds after I crashed my bike into a ditch when the pain started working its way through the actual shock and I was accessing what parts of my body might be really hurt.
Here is the conundrum:
1. My kids with FASD don't have good cause /effect abilities.
2. Almost all 'normal' behavior modification in our society uses cause-effect as a basis. (Spanking for disobedience, a ticket for speeding, be at work on time or lose your job, jail for stealing etc...)
3. If I continue to use cause/effect scenarios with my kids and they continue to not be able to modify their behaviors to get the desired outcome then I am wrong to continue trying the same strategies day after day, month after month and year after year?
4. In fact...(back to #3) if I am using cause/effect strategies and they are being disciplined because they consistently and dependably make what I consider the wrong choice then am I being obtuse to expect a different outcome? Beating my head on the other side of the same wall my kids are hitting so to say.
5. And.....if a child does not have the ability to modify their own behavior because of FASD or whatever....is it then abusive for me to continue to get angry with them and discipline them because they 'do not learn' from their mistakes? Why do I assume that a child with brain damage should be able to 'learn from their mistakes' and chose what I think is 'right behavior?'
(That was a hard one to write because it takes the definition of abuse into a very personal realm...as in 'is it abusive to treat this individual in this way?' And I would say that knowing what I now understand about FASD and the children I have been blessed with that I have been abusive to them because they do not have the ability to function as 'normal' kids. Example: I may spank Jerry for running into the road - but it's only effective as a training tool if he stops running into the road. If he runs into the road and spank him with increasingly harder regularity with no change to his behavior then we have passed an abuse threshold because no behavior modification is occurring. Or how about yelling? A 'normal' 9 year old can understand that mom throwing a hissy when she catches them playing with matches is part of the cost of playing with matches. My FASD 9 year old can only remember mom grabbing his toy (matches) and screaming in his face....he is traumatized not by the realization of the danger of playing with matches but at the emotional impact a screaming mom has on him. Getting pretty close to the common definition of mental abuse with that one and a real shake to my parenting paradigm.)
So that's the basic outline of the mental battle I am waging with myself. The question is really huge. It crosses over into questions of sin and criminal behavior (and the requirement of restitution if there is a missing element of intent), into the workplace, the educational system, church discapline, and the basic workings of the family. It challenges almost every area of life as I think it through and try to understand what it means to be (or love) an individual with FASD in our society.
Please hear that I am not saying we should throw all of our parenting ideas and ideals out the window with these type of kids, but I am having to take a long hard look at my own expectations and practices and hold them up to the light of reality. I need to see where legalism crept into my parenting(and life) and where the successes have been found. In the light of the truth - the 10 years I spent being the stabilizing wall for one child with AS were 8 years of mistreatment to another child with FASD who had no ability to stop running head first into the wall of cause and effect and then backing up to take another run at it.
I am sad about that 8 years but not discouraged. Though many would think I should be guilt- ridden by this slowly dawning reality I am thankfully not. My daddy (AKA soccer coach) taught me to shut up, get up and get over it on the soccer field. No one wants a defender on their team who falls down in despair when they make a bad play and a parent who can't learn from their mistakes is about as useful. To use todays slang...it was my bad and I can change my part of the equation. Though I admit, 14 years into parenting it's hard to rethink every piece of the puzzle and try to create an environment where EVERY child can be taught and trained acording to their abilities....
Here is the conundrum:
1. My kids with FASD don't have good cause /effect abilities.
2. Almost all 'normal' behavior modification in our society uses cause-effect as a basis. (Spanking for disobedience, a ticket for speeding, be at work on time or lose your job, jail for stealing etc...)
3. If I continue to use cause/effect scenarios with my kids and they continue to not be able to modify their behaviors to get the desired outcome then I am wrong to continue trying the same strategies day after day, month after month and year after year?
4. In fact...(back to #3) if I am using cause/effect strategies and they are being disciplined because they consistently and dependably make what I consider the wrong choice then am I being obtuse to expect a different outcome? Beating my head on the other side of the same wall my kids are hitting so to say.
5. And.....if a child does not have the ability to modify their own behavior because of FASD or whatever....is it then abusive for me to continue to get angry with them and discipline them because they 'do not learn' from their mistakes? Why do I assume that a child with brain damage should be able to 'learn from their mistakes' and chose what I think is 'right behavior?'
(That was a hard one to write because it takes the definition of abuse into a very personal realm...as in 'is it abusive to treat this individual in this way?' And I would say that knowing what I now understand about FASD and the children I have been blessed with that I have been abusive to them because they do not have the ability to function as 'normal' kids. Example: I may spank Jerry for running into the road - but it's only effective as a training tool if he stops running into the road. If he runs into the road and spank him with increasingly harder regularity with no change to his behavior then we have passed an abuse threshold because no behavior modification is occurring. Or how about yelling? A 'normal' 9 year old can understand that mom throwing a hissy when she catches them playing with matches is part of the cost of playing with matches. My FASD 9 year old can only remember mom grabbing his toy (matches) and screaming in his face....he is traumatized not by the realization of the danger of playing with matches but at the emotional impact a screaming mom has on him. Getting pretty close to the common definition of mental abuse with that one and a real shake to my parenting paradigm.)
So that's the basic outline of the mental battle I am waging with myself. The question is really huge. It crosses over into questions of sin and criminal behavior (and the requirement of restitution if there is a missing element of intent), into the workplace, the educational system, church discapline, and the basic workings of the family. It challenges almost every area of life as I think it through and try to understand what it means to be (or love) an individual with FASD in our society.
Please hear that I am not saying we should throw all of our parenting ideas and ideals out the window with these type of kids, but I am having to take a long hard look at my own expectations and practices and hold them up to the light of reality. I need to see where legalism crept into my parenting(and life) and where the successes have been found. In the light of the truth - the 10 years I spent being the stabilizing wall for one child with AS were 8 years of mistreatment to another child with FASD who had no ability to stop running head first into the wall of cause and effect and then backing up to take another run at it.
I am sad about that 8 years but not discouraged. Though many would think I should be guilt- ridden by this slowly dawning reality I am thankfully not. My daddy (AKA soccer coach) taught me to shut up, get up and get over it on the soccer field. No one wants a defender on their team who falls down in despair when they make a bad play and a parent who can't learn from their mistakes is about as useful. To use todays slang...it was my bad and I can change my part of the equation. Though I admit, 14 years into parenting it's hard to rethink every piece of the puzzle and try to create an environment where EVERY child can be taught and trained acording to their abilities....
Monday, July 5, 2010
Preschool and Early Grade School Computer Programs?
This year I have three little girls (4.5/5.5/6.5) who are all enamored with the computer and learning to read. Unfortunately all of my younger kid learning programs are pre-Vista (most were bought for John and Leah 10 years ago!) and I am looking to replace some of them with updated versions. We have loved Starfall on line but the girls need a little more....any ideas for programs or other sites for these early readers/math lovers?
Best Answer to The "Some Women Shouldn't Have Kids" Comments.....
I appreciated my moms answer to the comments I receive from 70- something women about adoption and the idea that "Some women shouldn't have kids..."
My mom said:
"......Why not tackle the comment like the politicians do and answer the question you want to rather than the one that may have been meant."
I think I like it...instead of reading into their comments opinions on abortion or their personal thoughts about adoption enabling 'those women' to keep on having babies they cant care for - we can take the opportunity to turn it to whatever we would like to say to that individual.
Our answer could be crazy like " I agree...and some men should not have concealed weapons permits." or a little more on topic such as "Exactly, have you thought about becoming a crisis care foster parent? There are many women who shouldn't be parenting in a particular moment and you can step in and help them. Especially because you are retired now and have extra time." My brain is spinning with ideas about how to turn things around and what questions I would like to answer... how about you?
FASD and Sleep..........
Sleep is a huge issue for those of my kids affected with FASD. Without a solid 9-10 hours every night they become whirling dervishes and train wrecks waiting to happen. The flip side of their need for solid, constant sleep is that their brains can't do it. The simple act of closing their eyes and laying still so their bodies can rest part is almost impossible for some of them. One can't sleep if he has anything to think about. Anything....learning that the month is June and that is half way back to Christmas or that it's only 10 months until his birthday can send him into weeks of lying awake until 11pm with the consequential daytime behavioral spirals. Another child can fall asleep reasonably, but anything will wake her up and she instantly thinks it's morning and is done sleeping for the night. A third falls asleep but then spends most of the night crawling. fighting and crying out in his sleep. The variation goes on with the other three who are affected but the common factor is that they desperately need sleep and from a very young age have no way to get it.
I don't think that this has anything to do with our parenting, bedtime routines or diet. Though believe me, I have had all three blamed by the professionals because they are not looking at the whole child and the particular damage that alcohol does to their developing brains. In fact, I have been called a control freak by some of my friends because I have so carefully guarded the bedtime ritual, timing and schedule in order to find something....anything...that will help these kids get good sleep.
Guess what? After 10 years of fighting and living in a sleep deprived echo chamber I have come to the conclusion that medication is the only answer for my kids with FASD. Melatonin worked for some for a season but that season has passed. Because of that, the pills I fought for a decade are now my best friends and I have a new soapbox for other parents with alcohol affected kids. I want to say it out loud here for other parents of kids with FASD - there definitely is a sleep deprivation component to this reality (for both kids and parents) that we need to acknowledge and manage just like any other effect...it isn't about parenting or training. It's about brain damage - a fact which may seem obvious to us but many of the doctors and social workers I have encountered don't seem to agree and therefore condemn families to suffer unnecessarily in that cloudy world of sleep deprivation. Tonight, I am going to have a huge smile on my face as I line the crew up and hand out the Trazadone.
I don't think that this has anything to do with our parenting, bedtime routines or diet. Though believe me, I have had all three blamed by the professionals because they are not looking at the whole child and the particular damage that alcohol does to their developing brains. In fact, I have been called a control freak by some of my friends because I have so carefully guarded the bedtime ritual, timing and schedule in order to find something....anything...that will help these kids get good sleep.
Guess what? After 10 years of fighting and living in a sleep deprived echo chamber I have come to the conclusion that medication is the only answer for my kids with FASD. Melatonin worked for some for a season but that season has passed. Because of that, the pills I fought for a decade are now my best friends and I have a new soapbox for other parents with alcohol affected kids. I want to say it out loud here for other parents of kids with FASD - there definitely is a sleep deprivation component to this reality (for both kids and parents) that we need to acknowledge and manage just like any other effect...it isn't about parenting or training. It's about brain damage - a fact which may seem obvious to us but many of the doctors and social workers I have encountered don't seem to agree and therefore condemn families to suffer unnecessarily in that cloudy world of sleep deprivation. Tonight, I am going to have a huge smile on my face as I line the crew up and hand out the Trazadone.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
" Some Women Shouldn't Have Kids..."
How's that for a great way for my new neighbors to engage with me in an adoption discussion? I have run into it before, a tendency in the female 70 somethings to use that phrase in the first few minutes of the discussions where they inquire as to my kids have come from.
It's sort of a conversation stopper because I am never sure where to take it from there. "Ummm...do you mean my kids should not have been born?" or "I agree but they didn't call us before they got pregnant and ask our opinion - we got involved after the fact with helping them make the best decision possible" or "It's sort of illegal to kill 8 lb babies here is the US so we thought adoption was a better option..." or my favorite "Yes! We should do everything possible to stop pregnant women in America from drinking and doing drugs while pregnant - my kids brain damage was almost all totally preventable but can't be reversed now." " Sarcastic I know, but honestly where do you go from a statement like. "Some women shouldn't have kids (and the heavily implied) "like yours." It's good for me to see that this phenomena wasn't just part of the urban poverty psychology - now I am hearing it from affluent upper middle class African Americans as well as Caucasians.
Can you think of any good answers to this one? If you have trouble posting a comment would you please let me know I think that there is something amiss with the comment section (per a couple of pm's I got today.)
It's sort of a conversation stopper because I am never sure where to take it from there. "Ummm...do you mean my kids should not have been born?" or "I agree but they didn't call us before they got pregnant and ask our opinion - we got involved after the fact with helping them make the best decision possible" or "It's sort of illegal to kill 8 lb babies here is the US so we thought adoption was a better option..." or my favorite "Yes! We should do everything possible to stop pregnant women in America from drinking and doing drugs while pregnant - my kids brain damage was almost all totally preventable but can't be reversed now." " Sarcastic I know, but honestly where do you go from a statement like. "Some women shouldn't have kids (and the heavily implied) "like yours." It's good for me to see that this phenomena wasn't just part of the urban poverty psychology - now I am hearing it from affluent upper middle class African Americans as well as Caucasians.
Can you think of any good answers to this one? If you have trouble posting a comment would you please let me know I think that there is something amiss with the comment section (per a couple of pm's I got today.)
This Sure Ain't The Hood My Kids Are Used Too!
In our old neighborhood I had to invest time explaining to my kids why songs that the neighbors played really loud -like "Is That You I Smell Girl.." and "Cop Killer" are not appropriate to listen to in our family. This morning we had the opposite problem as they were glued to the deck rail for an hour listening to our neighbor play the bagpipes.....this sure is a different life reality!
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