Constuction update....more fun progress.

It's a big week on the construction front. Especially after last weeks agonizingly slow (and painful) floor project. Yesterday the guys came from the glass company and installed the new heavy-duty shower door. What fun it was to see great smiles like this.....

And hinges like this.....(Oh how I LOVE things that are heavy duty.)
The glass is super cool with this privacy pattern so that we can have multiple users...can you believe that this is an actual photo of my bathroom? Not like the super scary cracked plaster I used to have!

Here is the first peek at the fixtures installed. Still a few things to add - back splashes etc...but in truth the room is almost done!

Preschool lesson #1 - if you steal mom's camera and take photos all over the house be sure you are not included in any of them.....:)

So Much To Tell - a Turn in the Tide at Day 36...

It's been an amazing week of change in my relationship with Kitten and my heart attitude toward her. Monday morning I felt led to put those McDonald's gift cards into my pocket so that I would be ready to give them to her should the opportunity present itself. Not that I was really looking forward to it (I sure wasn't expecting a pleasant response) but it felt like an important piece of the Peacemaking path that we are working toward between our households.

After breakfast I took the trash out and Kittens sister yelled from their second floor porch that she "wanted to TALK to me." Uncomfortably I waited out at our alley fence for the approaching storm and another strange encounter with the neighbors. And strange is was....She started off stomping mad and ready to rip my head off because she has been told I was screaming at her two year old and intentionally scaring him, that I constantly yelled at Kittens kids and said horrible things to them. Thankfully, I was in a peaceful emotional place that morning and waited until she was done to answer her. Then I started in and it was amazingly easy to find the words. No, I have never raised my voice to her child or any of Kitten's children. I have never spoken derogatorily to the kids nor have I ever made racially inflammatory comments to them. As I answered her the fight visibly left her body- in fact - when I addressed the rock throwing incident involving her kids and Kitten's a week earlier she was visibly shaken. My explanation that I had quietly asked the kids to stop several times, they hadn't and that when I had gone to seek Kitten's help the older boys had intentionally lied to her and gotten her all screaming mad was the last straw. Kitten's sister dropped the angry posture and started sharing about the problems with the boys lying, with Kitten's temper and the chaos in the household. It helped that the two year old she was holding (the one I was accused of scaring regularly) was trying to hug me over the fence and playing with me as my own two boys the same age were around my knees.

In the end, I pulled out those two gift cards and handed them to her - simply asking that she give them to her sister because it looked like she was having a hard time and with the power shut off it had to be challenging to think up meals three times a day for her family. She was stunned and put them into her own pocket. I wasn't quite sure Kitten would ever get them, but that wasn't the point. This was the moment I had been anticipating since I got up and my job was to go forward.

Then silence...no direct interactions between our two households though we could hear the unhappy screaming drifting down through her open windows. But a strange story came back from the Monday night picnic in the park that the community church does. Kitten had come for the first time Monday night and expressed her thanks to the servers - this is not the Kitten we know - she had screamed openly disparaging and hate filled comments at me regarding these picnics when I invited her and the other neighbors.

Things were shifting....
Then this morning I took the trash out just as she was going out on her first morning delivery. She looked tired and uncomfortable even discouraged. Instead of storming past me (her usual choice) she stopped and said thank you. We had a few minutes of amazingly peaceful conversation about her situation and the challenges of her past 12 months. It was good. It was God. Keep praying...there are only 35 days left.

Hail Damage - 14 years in MN and it finally happened......

Robert got caught in a hail storm that passed through the metro area on his way to work Friday. The end result was that the Neon has something like 100 hail dents in it (thankfully no glass damage) and looks like someone took after it with a ball peen hammer. Does anyone have input on whether we should or should not make an insurance claim on this one? It's a $500 deductible on 'natural disasters' for the 2001 Neon and otherwise it is in great shape and only has 84,000 miles on it. Our policy also states that hail damage is not held against us when we renew our policy and will not change our rates. Too bad it didn't hit the house - we have a few leaks in the roof I would love to take another run at fixing and there is always the spector of adding a third floor....

38 days left..........keep praying....

38 days until my neighbors lease is up - it's been a good week of praying over her and the kids whenever I see them and looking for ways to encourage her. When I wrote 45 days I was excited to get to August 31st and be done with the stress her proximity brings. Now it seems like such a short time until this window closes and the opportunity is gone.

Progress this week is small - I was able to say "Hi Kitten." and she responded back with "Hi." This is encouraging as the last three times we had spoken at all escalated to either me resorting to 911 or her totally loosing it and screaming at me until I walked away. Keep praying, the kids and I have some McDonald's gift cards tucked away for her and identify them as a 'neighbor' we are called to love.

Learning to Listen Instead of Reacting....

Living with kids who have impulse control issues is challenging. It often comes as a part of the FASD package and makes a lot of us crazy. One of my biggest frustrations is that things that are essential to family life - car keys, glasses, medicines often go missing in the house at critical moments.

Yesterday it was Jesse's glasses. He took them off to go play soccer, put them on his special shelf and they disappeared over the four hours he was gone. It's taken me years to learn not to freak out, round up the usual suspects and scold them into admission. Doesn't work with these kids - they just clam up, deny and fabricate unbelievable stories about other people having done it. I have learned to quietly 'wonder' where they might be and to listen for clues. (My goal in the moment after all is to find the glasses. ) After several hours of fruitless searching yesterday I casually asked the child I suspected was the culprit where they thought the glasses were...they said "next to daddy's bed' and danced off to swing. Later I looked and that is exactly where they were - buried under books and in danger of being stood on - but safely recovered.

It's hard to change my parenting to meet the mental abilities of the different kids we are blessed with. Coming down hard on these kids doesn't seem to help them change behaviors - that isn't how they learn. Instead it builds barriers between us and makes helping them to grow up strong even more challenging. Learning to listening and look at life through their paradigm is helping and I'm learning that strong parenting is sometimes silent and watchful. Waiting for the right moment to deal with things and helping them learn how to make a mistake and step forward in confession might be the biggest tool they have.

Busy Week..........Soccer and Ongoing Construction...

This week the oldest 6 are in soccer camp and loving it. A little rain hasn't damped their enthusiasm and it's been nice to have no days over 80'. Sort of creepy though for the third week in July.While the 6 are at camp I am left with only the 4 lowest - at 1.5/2.5/3.5/4.5 years old it takes me back to a time when we were a more 'regular' size family. They all fit in the same tub and don't demolish a loaf of bread at snack time. We have had fun - gone to Target, the bread store and other things that the little ones don't usually do with mom.It's also elevated Noel and Lily to being the 'big kids.' They have been preparing snack and helping watch the little boys. They do a great job - even if they are only 4 and 3.

This weeks construction focus has been on installing 'new' reclaimed maple floors in the bedroom and closet. It sounded like a good idea but I doubt Weldon or I will ever choose to do it this way again. There is just TOO much scraping involved in bringing them up to par. I did find a good use for Grandma Harriet's carving tools - they have been the answer to our scraping needs.
Steve - friend to Weldon's family and co-scraper with me. Nothing like a mountain of boards all in need of our attention to bring out the silly in all of us. Thanks for the hard work Steve!
Raspberries are still in season - don't know how the downspouts are doing but the kids are having a great time with our urban harvest.

Here's one for Anna - Jerry has been living with the noisy saws since January but yesterday it was just too much for him. Good thing Weldon was here to reassure him he was safe. I think he is bonding just fine. :)

I am still SO Seattle..............

I just looked at the new photo on our blog banner and realized that most of us are wearing calf-high sport socks with our sandals. This is not 'normal' attire here in MN and I guess my Seattle roots are starting to affect my kiddos - could be worse I suppose! I can't wait until winter when I can get my wool socks out again - though my Birkenstocks have long expired and I have moved over the Chaco camp.

Another comment on the ILS.......

It puts Lily to SLEEP! What is that about? She doesn't EVER go to sleep without medication or a huge battle.......but now she drifts off to the ILS. I think that alone is worth the investment!

Six Light Green, One Orange and a White - I can't keep it straight around here................

(Leah and Master G)

Today was Belt Testing day for the 7 oldest kids and mom. John/Leah/Jesse/Josh/James and I all moved from Yellow to Light Green, Lydia moved from White to Yellow and Noel got her first belt - moving from no belt to White. It took a little organizing to get us to class on time and the youngest three (which could be written the hardest three) safely settled with a sitter. I admit I am glad there isn't another test date until November!

(James and Master G)

(John demonstrating his skill with Kamas)

(Lydia and the other White Belts showing our two Black Belt testers MR. O and MR. B her skills)

(Angel and Me - this is one teen girl I would bring home to stay in a heartbeat! She tested for her tan belt today.)

(Josh had a few hard moments - but I was so proud of him - he pulled out of it and got right back on track!)

(Jesse had a great day - he took a couple of good hits and kept going.)

Playing while dad's away for a few days......

Jerry anticipating lunch..
Katie the neighbor warming her hands at the camp fire - at 60' it wasn't unreasonable today! We had a full fledged Indian camp going this afternoon....Kate has her baby on her back...

Alyssa and Lydia are in their canoe going berry gathering (the raspberry bushes by the fence were the final destination.)

Everyone danced around in the tent.

And Joe took flying lessons with Shannon....we sure will miss her when she leaves for Graduate school!

45 days.......

Forty Five Days....
Until the lease next door expires -
And the woman who screams and gets under my skin
takes her exasperating little dog and
unsupervised rock throwing boys
and moves on.

Forty Five days....
Before the buyers in Caddy's
and the sellers on bikes
Stop crossing my vision.

Before the tattoo man with
the women dressed as prostitutes
and the strangers who come once, twice
or regularly enough to feel like neighbors.
Have to find another address,
another number,
another supplier,
to feed their addictions.

Forty Five days....
For my heart to be softened
and my attitude to shift from angry and rebellious
to caring about and loving my neighbor.

Forty Five days...........
To see my neighbor as a desperate mom,
The power shut off, no money.
Close to being homeless again.
Watched and cornered,
The police and everyone around are hoping for her misstep.
Waiting for the opportunity to swoop in and shatter the fragile world she has built over the past 12 months.
A world based on a hope that things can be better - but without the skills or knowledge to make it happen.

Forty Five days......
To develop deep compassion for her.
As she lives with strange and scary people in her home day and night,
People she needs to pay the power, the water and to
feed the children.
But they bring danger with them
guns and warrants,
Undercover officers will follow them and discover the truth
and in one horribly terrifying moment the fragile world implodes - and she is nothing more than a number again.
A statistic pointing toward an even bleaker future
Where neighbors are counting down the days
Until her lease is up.

Forty Five days.........
to speak truth into her world,
and not be afraid that she might scream horrible things in my face
because time is short now
and I need a thicker skin.
Short enough to be bold,
To be radical in my love,
To be the one neighbor in her life
Who is sad that time is short - and the countdown is on.

(I'm starting tonight by praying for her and over her - anyone want to join me on this level for the next 45 days? Her street name is Kitten........)

Rejoicing.........

(Photo by Abigail)

Parenting and homeschooling bring lots of hard and tiring days - the deep closeness that both create also intensifies the celebration moments. I had the honor of celebrating Sarah and Micah's marriage with their family at the end of June. Homeschool graduates, both solid in their faith and confidant in their careers and callings as adults - it was a wedding that was easy to rejoice in and such a blessing to be a part of.

Update on Mom.......

Thanks for praying - from all reports my mom is home recovering from her surgery. Today I expect to get an update on what the treatment direction is from here - chemo and or radiation and the schedule. I'm really out of the loop because I'm 1600 miles away but prayers knows no distance.

Just For the Record......

Just for the record Jerry thinks that powdered ground mustard is tasty. Good enough to steal from the drawer, pry open and consume in large quantities.
Nasty.....

The Fog is Lifting....an Update on Jerry........

The past 14 days have brought an amazing transformation over 19 month old Jerry. The child that we feared had autism + FASD + ? has woken up in a most delightful way. From cave-man vowel sounds without any consonants (Uuua, Aee, Eee) he has lept to words...car, ma, da, ba, hot, cat. From little eye contact with anyone he has started approaching strangers and smiling. He shows appropriate pain when injured (rather than a blank stare) and is fully engaged in whatever is happening around him rather than watching us all through a foggy blur. He still has all the signs and symptoms of FASD, but the isolating and strange distance he kept for the first 9 months in our family has seemed to thin. What was it? Coping mechanisms for an overly immature emotional system? Attachment issues? A dip in his Cognitive development? No real answer today - but what a thrill it is to watch him wake up and join the family on a new level.

A Break with Patty and Taming the Boulevard...........

Saturday Patty (Weldon's wife) and I took a mommy break, indulged in a set of McD's iced hazelnut coffees and settled into a pedicure session together. NICE.....as moms to lots of little ones neither one of us gets a personal break very often but this one was like an oasis in a rather busy weekend.

Patty getting painted........
Two pairs of feet with fresh 'toe paint' (as my little girls say.)

I really like and support some of the city ordinances for things like animals, trash and children. But there are a few that make me crazy - particularly the one that says 'boulevard grass/weeds shall not exceed 8 inches." Please! How tall are your dandelions? How about those bristly yellow things? We have a classic (30 year old?) push mower and though it cuts grass fine it simply bends tall weeds over and misses them. A few weeks of that and we are in violation of an ordinance and get a note in the mail informing us of our negligence. Last week I took dramatic steps to NEVER receive another one of those letters again and tore out all of the grass/weeds in the boulevard area to create these new garden areas with gravel and small plantings of hardy perennials. It's created quite a buzz on the block as many of us get the notices and hate having to care for these patchy areas that gather litter and dog poop. The joke .....two days into the project I received one of 'those' letters in the mail.....can't wait until they come next week to reinspect. I think the issue is resolved!

Personal Prayer Request for a Monday.......

It's 7:30am here which means that in Seattle my mom, her sister and my sibs are all up and moving toward an exhausting day. Please be praying over them all as my mom undergoes a double mastectomy (5 hour surgery I believe) to deal with the breast cancer that was discovered this spring. We are praying peace and trust and wisdom over everyone involved - and that the things in life that are valuable would be held dear- and that all other things would fall away.

Emergency Preparedness.....

Every family has it's emergencies. E in AK has forest fires and volcanoes, friends who farm Southern MN have tornadoes and I grew up in the coastal earthquake region - emergency preparedness is part of most peoples lives. As city-dwellers we have to factor in the human emergencies as well as the environmental ones. With houses spaced 10 feet apart we end up living what ever drama is currently playing out in the rental properties on either side of us, and have no choice but to care. Which is good - most of the repetitive events we see can be reduced through friendship, accountability (yep - the police) or relocation (them not us)and we are committed to helping bring hope into some pretty ugly and hopeless looking situations.

Today I sat down and talked with my kids about the new escalation over our side fence. I explained the mom's probable addictions, their involvement with narcotics trafficking, her out of control temper and the ways this might impact our lives. Yesterday I involved our family in it directly by intervening when she became out of control with our 80 year old widow two houses down. Foolish? Perhaps, but way worse to let a 30 year old abuse an 80 year old widow and to stand by doing nothing.

So today we talked about it. We figured out together the ways we might be in danger and how to handle each one. We took time to pray for our neighbors hearts and minds and for our own safety. And I reminded the family of the need for 'instant emergency obedience' - which is the ability to follow one or two word instructions without any clarification of discussion. House. 911. In - Now. Upstairs. Walk Away. Away from window. And so on. It's been a season of calm in our neighborhood recently and I don't want us to grow lazy in our ability to respond quickly...when the trouble comes (and I am sure it will) my team is ready.

MOFAS - Article from this months newsletter on parenting kiddos with FASD and loss.........

(Note: This has been shamelessly copied from the MOFAS website. It is from the most recent e-newsletter and just struck me as the heart-cry that I hear from so many of you. I have emailed for permission to reprint and will delete this post if they respond in the negative - but the message is clear - we are not crazy and we are not alone in this sad journey with our alcohol affected kids. I think we all understand..............)


"Mother's Heart- Ambiguous Loss and FASD"

"I read her email and I immediately connected with what she was feeling, so much so that tears rolled down my cheeks before I could dab my eyes to stop them. "There are days when I feel like such a failure. I feel sad and angry and even jealous sometimes of 'normal' families and then I feel guilty because I really do love my son. I guess I just don't know how to feel anymore." This email was from an adoptive mother of a child with a Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) but I would imagine that it could just as easily have been written by a birth mom of a child with a FASD. The loss of dreams and the grief over what might have been, the fears and the coming-to-terms with the lifetime of struggles that families living with FASD often face...it can be so overwhelming some days. Other days are better and they bring a feeling of being incredibly thankful for the opportunity to know and care for such vulnerable, precious, intense, creative and loving individuals.

I have come to believe that the real difficulty for me as a parent of children with FASD is found in exactly that, the ambiguity. Pauline Boss, PhD is a therapist who is known for her work in the area of "ambiguous loss". When loss comes in the form of death the loss is definite and clear and there are rituals and compassion for the grieving. Ambiguous loss is less clear and may be more difficult on some levels to live with.

Boss explains, "With ambiguous loss, there is no closure; the challenge is to learn to live with the ambiguity." When I was a little girl playing with dolls I imagined that I would be a loving and competent mother someday to my children. I never imagined that I would question my decisions or my ability to care for them or keep them safe from harm. I never imagined that other people might question my abilities or blame me for the way my children behaved. I never imagined that there would be days when I would feel helpless and overwhelmed and afraid. And I never thought I'd mourn a little on each birthday as I watched them blow out their candles, knowing that the magic age of adulthood would come much too quickly for my children. But I'm learning to live with the ambiguity. Connecting with other parents of children with FASD helped tremendously as it was through those connections that I learned that the feelings I had on those difficult days were normal and those concerns I had about my ability to care for my children or keep them safe did not make me a bad mom, they caused me to develop the skills to be the kind of advocate my kids need. I replied to the mom who had emailed me intending to tell her exactly that, but I wrote only two words. I understand.
~Kari Fletcher, MOFAS 2009"

Two minor life checks this week.......

First: No matter how much more convenient it is for a child to reheat the spaghetti sauce in the metal bowl that it was stored in over night it is a BAD idea to do so in the microwave. Especially when it is set on HI for three minutes. I am thankful that they didn't try the same potato trick that the neighbors one street over did yesterday - cooking an unpicked potato in their microwave until their was a enough smoke that the fire department was called.....see it could have been worse!

Second: Explaining bad bumper stickers to a pre-teen boy with Aspergers symptoms (FYI - high level autism) is a chore in itself and may take several days of effort. This weeks challenge? I had to go all the way back to the 80's to explain why "Cats - the 'other' white meat." Might be about more than just a person who thinks we should eat cats.......,.

Open House..........

One of the things that has become a priority to our family is keeping an 'open home' - always prepared to receive the people God brings into our lives. Some drop in unannounced while others are planned months ahead of time. Either way, we try to keep the house reasonably tidy which means a main floor with little clutter and meals that can easily be stretched.

For the past two weeks we have become a 'date destination' for our friends M and D. In a culture where dating is considered private and can become filled with temptations, we offer a safe place to be with friends, share a meal and spend time talking. And it doesn't get cheaper than this - free food and the endless floor show of little people.

Celebrating Freedoms on the 4th.............

For the past few years our family has gotten up early and spent the morning picking the last of the summer strawberries out at Pine Tree Farms in the White Bear area. You can't see the two little boys very well in this photo - they are riding in their Ergos on my and Robert's backs. What a difference from the first time we picked as a family with only John and Leah to supervise - now we are a family of 13 (including our neighbor Grandpa J.) Today I am thankful for so many of our freedoms ....these are a few of them.

Freedom to play together.......Only two generations ago the freedom for Black,White and Hispanics to pick berries together for fun would have only been a dream.. Grandpa J spent his early years as a migrant field worker - now he sits in a comfortable chair while we pick and the children bring him special berries.

Freedom to love .....for Black parents and White parents to partner together so that children like ours will grow up in loving homes rather than languishing in foster care waiting for same race adoptive parents to come forward.

Freedom from fear...and the safety to say we are afraid. As a family we choose not to be controlled by fear as we have found true strength and confidence in Christ. Joe HATES fireworks and spent the night inside my shirt peering out the neck hole - the other 9 were fascinated.Freedom to worship God....we value our religious freedoms and understand that they are not guaranteed in our world. Just being able to pray before meals still isn't safe in some parts of our world.

Freedom to march and wave our flag as we go to shoot off fireworks at a friends. Neighbors might not like it when we march around our block pretending to be in the military - but no one is taking shots at us or reporting us to authorities who don't think it's appropriate.

Freedom to associate......to share our lives, our cookies and our time with kids and adults who are involved in a wide variety of illegal and immoral activities. Without societies judgment on us, without breaking class or cast or propriety. Being able to show through example that there is hope for change and a future - rather than just despair. Freedom to think about people as more than statistics and to help change those numbers - one life at a time.

Prayer Request for Maisy and her parents.....

For those of you who don't know Maisy this is a very recent photo. She joined her forever family about 5 weeks ago and has been hospitalized since Tuesday with a serious infection. For more of the specifics you can link over to Julies blog here but the basic need is for prayer support. A few years ago, Julie and Mark had a precious son named Evan who also had serious medical issues and who died a few weeks after placement. I am praying that they would not be afraid of the same outcome and would trust in the Lord who loves them and Maisy beyond all understanding.

"So wear less clothes..."

Last week I was lamenting the loss of my closet (to gain the shower) to a male friend of the family. I had found a nice armoire that will meet the basic needs but couldn't figure out how to fit my dresser into the new bedroom configuration - at least with my present desire to loose the early-American-garage sale look. His answer? "Wear less clothes." Stated with all seriousness, but which once said out loud led to a few moments of hysterical back tracking. Of course I understood the theory....own less clothing. But it was worth the laugh.

Which leads to this post. I am not a woman of many clothes to begin with. Now I am facing the challenge (which I now see as fun) of paring it down even more. What if everything in my wardrobe had to be a functional 'favorite' or it had to go? On some levels this is really easy. I like black...so there is the foundation to work from. I am also past the wild spitting up phase that has accompanied some of the more recent babies - so I don't need three changes a day. But thinking through the logistics of choosing the best of my shoes to keep (I love Born and Chaco) so that there are only 4 pairs a season. And limiting myself to two sweatshirts....two sweatpants....two pj's...two skirts. This is going to take some serious work! On a lighter note. Isn't the armoire nice? I am taking out the two top shelves so that I can hang things....though I still think I will need a sweater chest for the bulky things like sweatshirts and sweaters in the winter months.

Post by John: Camp Shetek.............

Hello, John here. I just got back from a week at camp Shetek and it was GREAT! Camp Shetek is our junior-high church camp and it is located about 3 hours south of here on Lake Shetek. This was my first time there and I REALLY enjoyed the week of teaching, swimming, games, and fun.




We knew the long bus ride had ended when we saw this sign in the distance and pulled into the parking lot.

This is my home away from home, the cabin I shared with 8 other boys and 3 counsellors. it has a nice view of the lake from the front porch.

This is my counsellor, Mr. Biros, he was a fun guy to be around, and he always had time to talk with me.

I didn't have a lot of space in the cabin, but I didn't bring a lot of stuff, so that wasn't an issue.
This is the camp director, Kevin Dau, he was a fun person to be around.
This is one of the teachers for the week, Mark Schaap, after buying a Camp Shetek t-shirt

This building is where the meals are made and served.

I had a REALLY good time there and I hope that everybody has a chance to go.

Bathroom update... the shower :)

Yesterday Weldon finished tiling the shower stall that he created out of closet space. WOW! It looks really nice....just like the first floor one ......almost too good for our home. Over the past 6 months he has turned the two worst places in our 1900 home into the two most beautiful. Thanks again for everything Patty and Weldon!

Three tiles short of done - one happy guy! (Grout and permanent fittings come later when the rest of the bathroom is done.)

For now, the bedroom is the 'shop' where tile saw and everything else lives.

This is Leah's pet butterfly. It spent much of Tuesday clinging to her and crawling around the kitchen. I released it Wednesday AM - our first release of the season. (Usually we hatch out 10 or so on the kitchen table.) Please pray for Leah (and the others) we have a fever starting through the brood and several are laid out this morning. John's Poison Ivy is also not slowing down - another trip to the dr's today. SO thankful for insurance!