Four Am...not my favorite hour to be up and blogging - especially with yesterdays reheated coffee in my hand and a wrongly medicated, twitchy child trying to listen to music and relax on the other end of the couch. Let's be brutally honest here - there was enough drama and trauma and just plain hard work packed into my days this week that by the time darkness fell last night I WAS DONE. And wanted to close the door on this particular chapter. Having the sleeping portion of the closure run from ten to one really wasn't the 'ideal night' I had in mind...not perfect by a long shot.
(yeah...sarcasm dripping off the key board at this point.)
But no one really asked my opinion.
And I'm really not upset.
Just a little snarky.
With a bitterness in my mouth caused by more than the over brewed java.
And the reality that I get to run the younger 8 by myself for the first half of the day today without a car, while other people get to do fun things that I would rather be doing wahhhhh.....oh it's a big-time pity party here on the couch this morning.....
Which means it's good that I'm rooting around in my own heart as I count down the hours of the night with this poor kid whos new medications are not the correct ones (24 hours- no sleep seems to be a good indicator to me!) and I can feel where I have walked a little too close to the edge of things I am better off avoiding.
Yes - on the scale of 1-10 this was a butt-kicking 11 of a week. But it was also hedged in with an awesome sermon on Sunday that pretty much planted the seeds for me to deal with it in healthy ways (thanks Pastor Jason - for preaching truth over us! ) I was surrounded by people who really love us, staff who honestly care and kids who held their own boats as stable as they possibly could.
In the end I didn't end up hitting the bottle,
wandering the streets
or running away
and these are all good things.
When Friday hit and we realized important things 'had' to be done
we simply did it.
When mass hysteria broke out
and the cat was trapped in the locked and running washer
I didn't totally melt down
I ran to a cat -loving neighbor man
who had skipped work for the day
and would understand that this cat
for us...on this day...in this week...
was absolutely worth destroying
a brand new washer
if it came to that.
because I was running a little close to the edge
And as I sit here and watch the sun rise with the Tiny Twister I know that there are many more things in our life that are bigger and harder and more wearing than a nights lost sleep from a medication trial. And I can soften my heart and build a memory for both of us - strengthening the attachment between us as she curls her legs around mine, tucks her hand around my waist and leans into me.
Don't forget to breath....that's the necklace I'm wearing most often these days. I gave mine away and lasted about 24 hours before I ordered another....it's the reminder I need. Breath in ...breath out. It really is that simple.