At first glance this shadow might seem a little creepy. The figure has two sharp looking scythe things in it's hands and is holding them in a threatening manner. In reality it's a 44 year old woman in a skirt and stocking cap trying to learn how to twirl her ssahng nat's before class next week. The medical journey I have been taking over the past few weeks has been a lot like this. At first glance a little uncomfortable and scary - shoot just having the word 'stroke' associated with my life is enough to snap my head around and make me pay attention. As the days have unfolded and we have tested and evaluated various parts of my body I have come to understand my own fear a little more. It's not that I am afraid of dying. I'm actually ok with that and totally trust that when the number of my days has passed heaven is real. What I am afraid of is the shadow things - the pain - the suffering- the helplessness that can come when our bodies are not functioning well. Just putting it into words helps me see it for what it is. It's me being afraid that I wont see the same God who is real every day if the waters get deeper. I'm afraid that God wont be enough.
Which is me focusing on all the wrong things.
And it's really silly of me......
God is God regardless of what happens in my life.
God is God in the hard things .......and the harder ones.
I know that.
So.....
Instead of being afraid of what-ifs and maybe's
I need to focus on what is really there.
Shoot.
Who's afraid of a middle age woman in a skirt who can't twirl her weapons?
and if I am not afraid of death why should I fear the path that eventually will lead me there?
3 comments:
Yes, I hear you on this. I am facing a diagnosis myself and I can relate to what you are saying. It is good to pry and look and articulate and figure out what is this fear all about? I don't fear dying but it's more the living in a way that looks different than what I thought as my body progressively cooperates less.
But yes, God is the same. He taught me that He is with me through all of these previous life experiences, what makes me think He won't continue to show up and be present in the life and struggles that are to come?
Praying for you even now!
I am praying for you.
Perhaps my current theological meditations may be a help in some way?
I've recently come to notice that what we ask for in The Lord's Prayer is *not* triumph over death but instead protection from evil.
That's been a game changer for me.
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