Friday, August 10, 2012

Adoption And Parenting: What I Wish I Had Known....

My friend Noel is speaking at the T4A conference a month for now and she has the amazing opportunity to share what she has learned in 40 years of being called mom by both biological and adopted children.  Today she asked for input on her blog regarding the topic and I love what I am reading in her comments section.

As for me....here is my answer to her questions..............

What I didn't know - when I started this journey as a bio mom 16 years ago and as an adoptive mom four years later.

I didn't know that this parenting journey was not all about me.
and my ability to make the right decisions.
set the right agenda
and follow the right parenting method.

I didn't know that Dobson, and Sears and Ezzo
were not the experts on my kids.
That we are.

I didn't realize how utterly self centered I was
until I realized it just might be all about me (and my issues.)
I wanted sleep
I wanted peace
I wanted success
I wanted affirmation
I wanted to be praised.
I think you get that.

I didn't know the damage that drugs
and stress
and alcohol
and fear
and trauma
can do to a child
before they are even born.
And what that means in their (our) life.

I didn't know that I might compound
their pain
because I didn't understand
what it means to be neurologically impaired
or to have a sensory disorder
to live with a borderline IQ
a slow processor
RAD
a damaged memory
or an anxiety disorder.

I didn't know how easily parenting by the book
can become abuse
to a child the book wasn't written for.

I didn't realize that the main thing I would learn
by studying the Bible
isn't how children should behave
but how parents should.
I never knew that
 there is a second part to Ephesians 6
That after it says
"v1 Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right..."
turns and says
"v4 fathers (moms too) do not provoke your children to anger...."
Which is serious business.

Seriously.
How much of my own sin and failing creates the trouble in my home?
The tremors in my parenting?
The chaos in my heart?

I didn't know -
and am glad I wasn't aware
of how seriously
messed up my ideals were.
I don't think I could
have honestly faced it.
Because I hadn't been through the slow wearing down
and reshaping of my dreams that parenting has achieved.

I didn't know that love truly is enough in this life
but that it would (and did) come at an amazingly high cost


That's my take on Noels questions for today - you can link over and add your comments to the list.





6 comments:

Some Difference said...

You've totally wrote what I think. I just got my first long term foster placement of a toddler. She's a good kid from a bad situation. Almost every minute this morning, I've had to tell myself that the kids and not about me. Because I want peace, a clean house, and order - something that is not going to be happening anytime in the near future.

noel said...

Thanks, Dorothy. I keep thinking YOU should be doing this talk. And I do wish you could be there.

Marge said...

Yes. What you said. Exactly. Tell Noel my opinion is exactly the same as what you wrote. Thirty years later I am beginning to get it.

Mama D’s Dozen said...

GREAT post!

Oh.So.True.


Laurel

Kari said...

Love this.

Anonymous said...

yes! exactly! If I was more articulate (and probably more mature) these would have been my own words!!