Parenting Sure Is a Humbling Business......

Today started off as a normal morning at church - Storm was deep into sensory seeking behaviors  through the first part of the service and since he was in my arms I am sure it looked like I was wrestling a cat as he pushed his head/feet/face onto various parts of my body trying to satisfy this need.   Thankfully I had enough coffee and sleep the night before to find him mildly amusing and understood what he was doing wasn't naughty - it was just his way of becoming more regulated before we got to the really tough part of the service...sitting through the sermon.

After the offering I could tell that our little wrestling game was working well and predicted that he would settle down as we stood up for the last song and I held him close to my shoulder.  All good...except that our older kids in the row behind us - kids who know better - started pulling on his legs and arms and squeezing his thighs.  I was about to give them the dirty mommy look until I noticed the affect they were having on him.  Rather than getting excited with their playing, the more they pulled pushed and squoze, the more relaxed his body got and by the end of the song he was mushy dead weight in my arms - ready to sit and listen.

It took me a few minutes to realize that they (in their various levels of abilities) had seen that he needed a little help to settle down and had risked my evil eye to jump in and do what they could.  It is sobering to reflect on how many times I may have carelessly pushed away little hands who were reaching out to help a brother or sister in exactly the right ways.  Me the mommy - the one who is too busy to see the good that is happening right under my nose.

This parenting is humbling business...to be sure.

"You See, My Mom Drank Alcohol Before I Was Born........."

I  received this email after church on Wednesday and wanted to share it as an encouragement to all the moms of kids who have FASD's and are struggling right now.  My goal is to keep up the good fight and watch every day for 'hope moments' like this.  Of course I abbreviated and edited the email for privacy - Speed is our #3 son and M is the son of a friend with a profound seizure disorder.  Both precious young men who's lives impact and affect for good those around them.

Dear (Friend)….

I had a poignant moment with M tonight at church.  We were doing our usual "hanging out" in the main foyer talking to one of M’s Wednesday night teachers, Mr. P,  Mr B, and his son, Speed.  Speed frequently comes up to M and talks to him.  Tonight was no different.  He approached M and asked him how his night was going. I positioned M at a better angle so that he could see Speed more  in line with his field of vision.  M, with thumb in mouth, rolling back and forth in his chair, paused to make eye contact with Speed. M was having a good night.   Speed kindly talked to M. I told Mr B how sweet of a spirit Speed has whenever he talks to M. 

At one point, Speed said something that I wasn't sure. I asked inquisitively, "What?" 

As he repeated it, he focused on M with eyes locked, and said, "I have brain damage, too."  It caught me off-guard--brain damage?  I leaned forward to capture his every word.   With an angelic voice, he elaborated, "You see, my mom drank alcohol when I was a baby, and now I have brain damage.  It makes it hard.  It makes it hard for both of us, M."  M and he continued with their mutual gazes.  Mr P and I were speechless. The plain-spokenness of this child processing and coming to terms with his own difficulties was a very intimate moment.   With deep thoughts ricocheting in my mind, we eventually parted.

Moments later, I shared our experience with friends in that same foyer. We were all just shaking our heads.  We concluded that this is the ministry of M:  broken people bumping into other broken people with God doing His healing work in the way He purposes and deems best. This does not begin to capture the depth of what God does.    Amazing.

I just wanted to share this with you to encourage you all in your ministries.

M’s mom.

And The Shared Book Winners Are.......

This morning I went through and stuck post-it notes with names on all the manila envelopes full of books I have to share out. If your name is below please email me at urbanservant618@gmail.com with your address and I send them right out.  If I don't get an address claiming a book by this Friday then I will pass the book on to the next person in line.  Here's the list of winners and a hint or two if there were names that are common....
Cody lee
Miricle reciever
Krissy Wilkins
Laine
Sarah Houser
Emily (cwinkle)
Beth Nordquist
Janelle (from the party)
Travis Lowe (you won for being a guy - this is a guy book!)
Christy (teaching by loving)
Soldier Mama
Mike and Katie
Julie B
Sue Lee
Robin (from Robins nest)
Jodilee0123

Help Us Coin A New Word......

One of the most difficult tasks we have encountered as parents to kiddos with FASD's is the need to understand what is going on inside their heads when we are talking to them.  I have struggled for years with the reality that my communication may be perfectly logical to those without FASD's but to those with them I sound like a raving idiot.

Which is a really good lesson for me - because who wants to deal with someone they perceive that way?

One piece of our communication breakdown seems to center on an absolute inability to comprehend the concept of 'for example..'  Not all of my children with FASD's have this same issue, but several do and it plays out like this.....

Me:  "Taking things is bad, for example, if you took Madeleine's purse it would make her sad and ruin her trust."
Child: "I did NOT!!! I never took her purse and now she doesn't trust me!"
Me: "No, I said FOR EXAMPLE, I know you didn't take her purse, it's right here on the table, I was simply trying to show you how it might work."
Child:  Bursts into tears....."I didn't do it, I didn't and you wont listen to me!  You NEVER listen to me!"

Crash and burn. End of social story, end of teaching session, time to peel child off of ceiling because they feel deeply wronged by this crazy adult who just accused them of stealing the helpers purse.

Repeat each time this type of thinking is asked for...what if...for example...any plethora of phrases that carry meaning to my own brain and toss my poor kids off an emotional cliff.

I'm trying to figure out what to call this.  It seems to be more specific than simply 'concrete thinking' or 'poor executive function' its about a hypothetical situation becoming reality to them in a way that causes huge distress.

Any ideas for what this is?  I'm thinking it's time to coin a new word......

T4A: Project Hopeful - One Minute to Share A Thought On Adoption.....

This shirt caught my eye at the T4A conference....which led me to stop and talk with this representative of Project Hopeful.  In this video he shared a little of how his thoughts on adoption have changed...............

Project Hopefuls goal is to educate, encourage and enable families and individuals to advocate for and adopt children with HIV/AIDS.

I pray that God would be pleased to bless their efforts and that they would live wild, outrageous dreams in Him.

Help Me: Book Giveaway to End The Endless Pile.....

I hate piles.  In our house any pile is an invitation to the impulse challenged children to test theories of velocity, impact and chaos.  Piles make me crazy so on Wednesday morning I am going to put all of these books into their book rate mailers and send them off to their new homes....will your address be on one of them?  I sure hope so!

Here's what I have to share:

-The set of 4 Tom Davis' books (if you already commented that you want to be counted in on those from last weeks post you are still in!) (Not for kids - hard topics covered in these.)

-Five Copies of Just as I am  by Krista Horning. (Perfect for kids and adults!)

- One Copy - fresh off the press of Every Bush is Burning. by Brandon Clements (New novel along the lines if The Shack.) I read this one on the way home from T4A and really enjoyed his style and message - mature reading.

-Four copies of Wait No More the story of Kelly and John Rosati's adoption journey.

-Four copies of Thriving as an Adoptive Family handbook by David Sanford

And...if only one person comments you might just have your Christmas shopping done!  If your interested - Please comment below and let me know which book (or books) you would like to be on the list for.

T4A: My Plans/His Plans....

There were many opportunities to attend breakout sessions at T4A – I had thought about it – pre-registered for the ones I wanted to blog on - and was fully prepared to settle into a quiet seat near an outlet.  But in the crazy spin that tends to identify my world I never made it to them. 

Not even one. 

I tried.  But each time I thought I was headed in one direction I ended up somewhere else.  Over the past three days I wept a river of tears with a handful of special women who shared the pain in their hearts, the fear that controlled them and the goodness of an all-powerful God. 

My time was spent not in sessions but face to face - pouring prayer over the beautiful suffering that adoption can bring into our world.  RAD, FASD’s, disruptions, failure – the secret words that they were afraid to speak out loud were brought out into the blinding daylight and lost their power to destroy.  You won’t read the details of the sessions on this blog…but the opportunity to spend time with each of these precious woman more than made up for what I missed.  Would you add your prayers to mine this morning?  That God would be pleased to whisper hope into the hearts of weary moms.

T4A: Worship Within The Circle of Bloggers....

I wish I had a photo of the seating section where I spent most of the T4A  general sessions.  It was a tangle of laptop cords, water bottles and a group of amazingly warm bloggers with a common love of God’s plan for adoption.  Not that I expected bloggers to be cold or anything  - but sitting with them – worshiping with them – watching the friendly tweet racing and flying fingers as links and references and citations were magically produced off their laptops – somehow gave an added dimension to the conference and words on their blogs became three dimensional as we settled in together.

I’m a mommy blogger – with fifteen minutes of daily margin to devote to the blog I can’t even begin to compete in the realm of what I was watching them produce. I am sure they will nail the theology and message of T4A  - I’m going to share the relational things about it.  The people reasons we were there. The organic part of the conference where people with needs met others who were able to reach into their world and met them where they were at.  I needed to focus on worship and this man Jimmy McNeal helped lead me there.

Jimmy McNeal at T4A

T4A: Book Give Away...........

Over lunch Tom Davis of Children's Hope Chest shared his love of the orphan and challenged the church again to step forward in new ways to reach into the despair and poverty that affects so many and bring relief.

I was given a set of Tom's books to give away here on the blog - if you got out to Children's Hope Chest face book site, 'like' them, and let me know in a comment here then your entered in the give away.  Alternatively, if you not on Face Book then follow over to their main page here, spend a few minutes looking at the their site and let me know through a comment here.  If you share the link with your friends let me know that also and you will get your name in twice.  I will be randomly choosing the winner Saturday night at 9:00 as i head home from T4A.

T4A: One Minute To Share Their Ministries

As much as I am loving the speakers and breakout options here at T4A - the chance to meet and hear the stories and visions of the different exhibitors is prompting me to give a few of them the chance to do short videos for me to share here on the blog.

These two fun guys met at an airport and have just launched Village to Village International a two prong ministry to help families fundraise to cover adoption expenses as well as focusing on smaller special projects to meet overseas orphan needs. I loved meeting them and pray that God will take the energy and enthusiasm that they shared with me and do something wild......

T4A: Seeing Change.....

Even as we are gathered in Arizona to talk, pray and learn how to best love the orphans of our world there are major things afoot demonstrating that small efforts are having large impact.  An hour ago MSNBC reported that the Son Of God orphanage was closed in Hati and the orphans there who had been abused and neglected would be placed into better situations.

To see the mainstream media taking up this story and reporting on it is almost as encouraging to me as the closing of the orphanage - usually these closings are quiet events that slide under the radar of most Americans.  There is some embarrassment for the supporting churches, the country implicated and all organizations that have had contact with them. 

This time, because the truth was reported to the larger public - another window into the reality of the invisible children has been blown open.  'Normal' people can look through and begin to see, to care and to dream about change. 

T4A: Rest and Suffering In The Life Of Adoptive Moms......

Memory is funny.  Sixteen years ago I remember sitting with a group of women at the only MOMS meeting I ever attended.  Six months pregnant with my first son and utterly unaware that before the week was out I would become absorbed by drama as we worked to prevent his premature arrival - I asked our table mentor - an older women I still know and love - what her favorite parenting book was.  Her simple answer was "The Bible" ......and I was honestly disappointed. 

I knew what she meant by her answer but I found the Bible unhelpful because what I really was asking was how to deal with the overwhelming number of technical parenting questions I had scrambling around in my over-hormoned brain.  Should I let the baby cry? Front or back to sleep? Schedule or not?  I wanted technical care and maintenance of a baby questions answered - not parenting theology.  I already had a foundation of my parenting theory set out but until this little person was out of my womb and into my arms I really had no way to test if what I had was solid.

Fast forward ten more kids.  I shared yesterday with a group of women who have currently adopted or who are in the process.  We came hungry for encouragement and guidance.  Many were parenting children from hard places and looking for answers to the challenges they face.  Many asking for the how-to's of adoption - for book recommendations, theories and practical helps.  Over the day we discussed some of my favorites.   Parenting is Your Highest Calling: And Five Other Myths by Leslie Fields,  The Connected Child (with workbook)by Karyn Purvis and Give Them Grace by Elise Fitzpatrick.  All great books with practical ideas and methods for dealing with the parenting journey.....all pointing either directly or indirectly back to the main reference....the Bible.

Which made me pause.  Our two main topics for the day were the ideas of  Suffering and Rest in the lives of adoptive moms.  Deep issues that are at the core of my parenting life and are much more difficult to manage than finding the 'next' therapy option, schooling idea, discipline technique or attachment theory. 

I was reminded that if I don't have the foundation of who I am in Christ and why I am in Christ- nailed down (through my confidence in the Bible) then it makes all the other parenting decisions so much harder.  I can buy rooms full of books on how to make all those 'other' parenting decisions but if I don't have a solid basis of truth to apply them with, I will become overwhelmed.

Sixteen years after that first MOMS meeting I listened and agreed yesterday as Dennea Pierre and Dr Donna Thoennes reminded us that the foundation of understanding suffering in our lives is the gospel and the key to finding rest - regardless of our circumstances - is in that same place.  Today I find myself agreeing with that friend so many years ago.  The Bible is the best place to find the core of our parenting ideas and the only paradigm for me to use when facing the struggles and exhaustion of our daily lives.  That room full of parenting books can be helpful in some ways but utterly worthless if we forget or neglect to stack them on the shelf and foundation of gospel truth.

I'm ready for the T4A conference to start today - geared up and thankful for the women's pre-event that helped refocus my heart from looking for 'the answers' to remembering that I already know The Answer to the big questions and own the book that holds them - my Bible.

Together 4 Adoption (Pre-Conference) Begins Today!

Crazy. 1:00am and instead of creeping back into our house following a late night rendevous with Julie and Barb I’m on an airplane headed toward the Together For Adoption (T4A) conference in Arizona.  Leaving is never simple for me, but tonight worked well with the help of Julie and Madeleine – one drove me to the airport and the other herded sleepy children into their beds until the church crew returned. 

I think everything is in order for me to walk away for a few days.  (Insert hysterical giggle.) Medications are filled, the pantry is stocked, a pile of library DVD’s is on the kitchen table with a 24 pack of toilet paper next to them and there are several children with happy dreams of extra-long licorice for breakfast.  (I vote YES daddy if you read this – why not?) 

My goal over the next few days is to share with you the flavor of the T4A conference and to write about it in such a way that even second hand you will feel the solid affirmation that there is a gospel echo in adoption – and that there are promises connected to everything we experience.

Note On What We Post And Why......

I have added 10 new editors to the UrbanServant blog.  In the past I have asked my older children’s permission to post on certain events in their lives – I have deleted many drafts because they felt that they were too personal and I am very aware that there is a need to maintain both a public and private life.  Recently I have started asking each child more directly for permission on posts relating to them – it’s important that they have a say in what is out there about them. Moving forward I will be raising that bar even higher and making an effort to write more indirectly about what we are learning and living – at the same time realizing that we have been given a very important message to share with the world and many good reasons for us to stay public.

Can't Stop Bragging On This Boy......

This morning I went into Speed's EEG appointment prepared for the worst and hoping for the best.  Not that I was worried about the results - we wont have those for a few days and there is nothing we can do regarding them - it was the specter of a new (and unnecessary in his mind) medical procedure that made backup plans necessary.  

Today was wonderful.    He amazed me by again he doing something really hard that he didn't want to do.  He allowed medical personal to draw/scrub/tape his body and didn't take a single swing.  I was prepared.  My glasses were off my face and I had on a good kid-wrestling outfit.  But God gave me the opportunity to see progress in his life...slow and unpredictable as it may seem to me ...this kid is my hero again today because he pulled an A+ out of a potential crash and burn situation.

(Post edited at his request - thanks Speed for keeping me to my word! You are a hero times three!)

"Okay. Which One Of You Took My Sanity?"

Isn't that a fun name for a book? Okay Which One Of You Took My Sanity? truly is the title of Matthew Hoffman and Claudia Fletcher's new book on parenting and I invested the weekend picking up their best ideas on living with and loving our adopted kiddos with special needs.   It isn't  a book I would have enjoyed ten years ago when consistency - consistency- consistency was my mantra and the clearest idea in my head was that our kids were 'special needs' because of their race. (A thought that makes me laugh hysterically now - since they absolutely were and still are challenged not primarily by skin color but by IQ, FASD's and ADHDs - but that is another post to be written.)

The last year has been about failure and recovery in my parenting methods.  Somewhere in the desert of Colorado I found myself in the place where I was willing to admit that many of my kids have behavioral and mental challenges which really are not going to be modified through consistency.   Not that I gave up on them - it just dawned on me that I was spending huge amounts of energy trying to change my kids and was at risk of loosing them because of it - I was simply ruining my relationships with them because they wouldn't/couldn't change.  Which stunned me.  Shoot.  I was a child of the 80's where we learned that it doesn't work to make other people change in order to please us we must first change ourselves.  Something I got a little hazy on when I became a parent.  Something that is still true today.

It's been a long and weary journey back from that place of acknowledging my failure.  There are not many authors out there who are sharing the message that our relationships should not be based on the success of behavior modification and a punishment/reward system.  I'm all for consistency - my kids with FASD's thrive under it - but I need to be super careful I am not taking the same punitive system we use for housework into my relationships with the kids.   Which sounds horrible to write here but I was doing it far more than I want to admit.

Some of it was subtle - just an emotional distancing.
Some of it was not subtle - letting them know that they had disappointed me and now there was a cost. Remember the Soup Nazi's famous phrase  "No Soup For YOU!"  I had the same heart attitude as that character and it wasn't pretty.  Nope.  It was all about setting up some weird sort of conditional-love based on behaviors and me as the controller of the standards.  It was wrong and I am sorry that I manipulated my kids in that way.

The good news is that out of my failure I am finding success - in perfect God-type timing my own heart has turned toward my children and I can walk with them through the valleys of their challenges fully aware that I don't need to limit our relationship based on their failure to meet my expectations.  The world will tell them often enough of their failures - I need to find and nurture all of the good, strong, positive things that are within them and be sure that I am seeing and reacting to those things.  Which isn't to say that I need to let them walk on me or become out of control behaviorally.  That's the consistency part that is important  - but I am learning to really see that there is a difference between their exterior behaviors and interior hearts.  Especially for those with FASD's and anxiety issues what I see (and react to) on the outside is not necessarily what is going on on the inside.  It's my job to know their hearts - and not crush them - regardless of if they make me 'happy' with their behaviors.

I'm going to ask for a Soup Nazi tshirt for Christmas - I want to be reminded that I don't want to go back to that character of a person.  I want to make a joke of the control freak in me - the part that thinks I should change the people around me so that I can have the life I dream of - I want to laugh with my children about how sill I am  and feel their forgiveness.  I want to be the anti-Soup Nazi.

We All Fall Down....

It's true. Everyone falls down occasionally.  One might trip over a toy, lose balance at a curb or just forget to move one foot in front of another.  My son Speed seems to enjoy falling and makes every stumble an opportunity to demonstrate his amazing flexibility and agility.  He looks like a cat to me - a young one that always manages to twist in mid fall and land with at least two legs on the ground.  Friday he took a fall of a new sort - one that gave him no opportunity to get his feet down first - one that may be heralding a new twist in his medical journey.  He had a seizure and cracked his head really good during PE. 

The fun here is that no serious damage was done by the fall - and that though he is still sporting an impressive bump on the back of his head and is scheduled for an EGG on Tuesday there haven't been any repeat episodes so we are not in panic mode.  Instead we have been able to appreciate the lighter side of the moment.....like the fact that our friend gave him a sprinkled doughnut after he fell - which is now his primary memory of the incident.   And that the Shaun White clearance tshirts that Julie picked up for my boys and gave me Friday night say "Built to survive the unusual."  Of course the cream on the day was the new signs that the UM painted on their sidewalks which fit our day and seemed a little silly to be reminding college students......

Promoted to Brown Belts......

Two years ago (as sort of a joke) I wrote in my homeschool notebook that TKD was our physical education option of choice and that our goal was for each child who was able and interested to recieve their Black belts before graduation. 

What started as a joke is looking very possible.  In fact, since the eight oldest kids and I are now Brown belts (two belts before Black) I may have the fun of writing on their transcripts for the 2012-2013 school year 'advanced to First Degree Black Belt.'

More important than the fact that every one of us completed and preformed the requirements for this testing are the less easily identified achievements.  Speed demonstrated an amazing amount of unusual resilience when he failed to break his Green board with a side kick (though he has done it before the stress got to him) was excused from the line without success, came to me and allowed himself a few minutes of comforting and when Mr Jones offered him the unexpected opportunity to try again when every one else was done...stood up and did it!  The trying again after a failure piece is huge.  Beyond huge, it's amazing for a kid with serious anxiety issues to get back up in front of the group and try again right after so public a failure.  A year ago this would not have happened - it's not about sportsmanship - it's about an overwhelming wave that he is starting to surf on rather than be drowned by.

Though I am happy we received our Brown belts I am even happier that we all got to celebrate this moment in his life with him.

Maybe It IS All About Me.......

I woke up this morning pondering how much of the frustration and anger I experience as I parent kiddos with FASD's really is all about me.  After all, my kids are not unusual.  In fact, they act exactly as expected for persons who's brains and bodies have been damaged by pre-birth exposures to drugs and alcohol.  They are normal for people with their set of circumstances - I am the one wanting (and expecting) something different.  I don't want them to have the emotional/behavioral challenges that come as the logical outcome of their FASD's.  I don't want them to know the cardiologist, endocrinologist, psychiatrist, sleep specialist and developmental pediatrician by name.  I don't want my day to be regulated by medication timing and sensory regulation.  I don't like the fact that FASD, ADHD, DD, OCD, SPD and a plethora of other abbreviations are part of my daily life.

All of which makes me wonder.
How much of my own trouble is not caused by my children but is wholly my own issue.  Because in my self centered heart I keep twisting their challenges and disabilities until it's no longer about them but all about me.
Me pitying myself.
Me wanting something different.
Me, me, me.
Forgetting that they are living 24/7 the truth of these disabilities while I am only fussing about how they affect me.

That's my challenge today.  I am going to count how many times I catch myself putting an overlay of 'me' over the people and situations around me.  How many times I take their moment and trauma and make it into something that isn't about them any more but in truth is all about me.

Thanks for listening
D

Favorite Suppliers?

Somehow my stash of special needs catalogues and notes was ruined by water in the last move.  A sad reality which has me scrambling to recreate the wheel as I transition the family past summer and into our fall routine.  So.....I'm looking for catalogue recommendations, sites, and products that you love.  Specifically this year I am addressing sensory understanding, social cues, self regulation and organizational skills with the middle age kids (6-12) - after I get this wheel turning again!

Large Families and Small Groups.....

I have a confession: We are not members of a church related small group and haven't been for eleven years. Gasp. Choke. Are you reading in stunned amazement? After all, we are serious members of a small group focused church and totally 'get' the reasons for living in community.  But that doesn't change the fact that we are not in a small group.
Enter guilt - sort of.  I'm just not very good at carrying that could-have, should-have, ought-to type of burden for very long.  It's not my nature. Here are five thoughts on why we are are entering our 12th year of not participating as a family in a small group......

1. We are big enough to be a small group all on our own.   Adding 13 people into any group is daunting to a leader - compounded for us by special needs.

2. I don't want to host a small group.  We have done that and loved it but reality is that I don't want to host a small group for my not-so-small group.

3. We are constantly in relationships with other people.  It's the nature of the life we have built.  People flow into and out of our home like a river some days - because we are always in some level of chaos there is no 'best' time for people to visit so we end up with company at all hours of the day and night. It works.

3. People come to us.  Because we are a mess people really do come to our house to fall apart - there is a 'norm' to it that allows all pretense to be dropped when there is no expectation that we 'have it all together.'   Truth is that hungry guests may be served cookies on a pretty plate, a spoon of peanut butter from the communal jar or maybe nothing because we are between meals and there is no way I'm starting another round of feeding.  We are not hosting company - we are simply living and leaving the door open for others to join us.

4. Needs find us.  We might not be rich but there is always room at our table for another person, a car we can loan and the time to stop, cry and pray through a crisis.  We make meals, meet needs and pull others into our lives because its natural.

5. We are not alone- we are intentional about meeting and engaging with people - all sorts of people.  Having a large relational field allows us the benefits of being in a small group even though we are not officially signed up.  Our needs are met and we are able to meet those of others because our lives are interwoven - no official meeting time or place - it just happens.

Five reasons which are enough to assure me that we are not wrong to pass on the opportunity to sign our family up for a group this fall....and to remember to leave the door open and the underwear picked up (I do have some standards!) in case our own 'life group' is having a meeting today.

A New Season Of Bling.......

Don't be surprised if you catch me sporting two or three of these around my neck at church on Sundays this Fall.  They are a great option for the bigger kids who need to chew/suck and allow for a little quiet sensory activity (for calming or satisfying) without destroying other things like hands, pens, books, clothing or shoes. 

After a three week trial I'm liking my new bling well enough to lay up a stash for baby presents as well as simple encouragements to other moms who's older kids needs this type of option.

My Kind of Hero......

My son Speed is an amazing kid. 

Even though his list of challenges fills a page -

The one I keep of his strengths and successes is longer.

These are his new 'hero' jeans.

My friend Julie bought them for him

as an encouragement.

Because he made a good decision at church last week

when his friend Maisy was lost

and an adult handed her to him

he did a good thing.

He picked her up

and carried her.

He kept her safe -

He was her hero.

Love Is Enough in Adoption....But Can You Love This Way?

Love is enough in adoption. 
Which is a statement that should have 50% of my friends making a double take and starting to panic that I have learned NOTHING so far in our adoption journey and gone around some sort of serious mental health corner.  Hear me out on this one (and stop smiling Twisted Sisters...I said STOP!)

Love is enough in adoption.
If you are ready to say you love them a thousand times
and never hear it back.

It's enough
if you are willing to lay down your comfort zone, your friends, your family,
and go with a child into dark places.
Places other people run from.
Places that scare the pants off you.

If you can realize that words like
'failure'
'abuse'
'suffering'
'mean'
'violent'
Might be better labels for your children's future than success and kindness.

Love is enough when you can stand beside a child
who has done wrong.
Maybe horrible wrong -
Maybe minor.
And not take the place of punitive judge.
But that of intercessory supporter,
Because you know that no one else ever will.

Can you separate the behavior
from the child -
enough to continue loving them
even when they can't stay in your home?
Even if they hurt you?
Even when they hate you?
Even if they ruin your dreams?

Love is enough in adoption.
But it isn't the surface sort of love we think about.
Where we heal their wounds with Bible stories and home cooked meals.
Where children of trauma (inflicted both before and after birth)
Emerge as young adults who lead their peers in righteousness.

It can be a suffering, bleeding, crippling -
God filled and God ordained love.
Where we talk not of summer jobs and drivers licences
but of crisis care and safety plans.

Love is enough
 but it might look
     and taste
          and feel
              more like
the love that Christ taught us on the cross.
A different sort of love -
LOVE.
All capitals
On a separate line.
Because it's the answer to the question
"Would you lay down your life for this child?'
Every
      Single
           Tiny
               Piece
                 until it is gone?

Love is enough.
But it might take all of us
and it might not ever look or feel like progress in this life.
But it is LOVE.
And I believe that that is enough.

Personal Shopper Needed....Can YOU Find This?

We use the Tickit hourglass timers a lot in our house.  The 3,5,10 minute ones are helping us measure chores, eating and school time.  I like them enough that I am on the hunt for the 15 and 30 minute ones....which only appear to be available in Europe! Drat on that.  Anyone in Canada have a source? 

Choosing This Day.....

Each morning I need to choose what path my heart will take.  Will I rejoice in the new mercies of each day or follow the path of sadness and despair?

The choice is real.  My life could be overwhelming and crushing in the truth that I am living in a home with many people who have serious and often critical mental and physical health issues.  I can't ignore them.  I can't change them. I can't parent them away by working harder.  But.... I can choose where my heart will dwell. 

I also have to choose how I see my life path.  Is this punishment, bad choices or a bad joke?  Or is this a meaningful, important, investment in people who have been and will be marginalized by the larger world? It's all up to me. I can parent and live from either side of the issue - I have a choice.  Each one of us has a choice in how we see our day, our children and our lives. 

This song is still our family theme in this season...........it's been playing over and over again as we do the morning chores.  There isn't room for despair...because God's blessings are overwhelmingly new every morning..our choice is clear..

Therapy In The Everyday.....

 Every day we work on both the weak and the strong areas in our kids physical/social/psychological skill sets.  I was amazed today as I watched these quiet successes unfold at the zoo.......can you see them?

Two open, relaxed hands..held at a natural level rather than elevated in excitement.  Even though the goats tickled.

The effective turning of the dispenser handle which mimics that crazy can opener motion we still struggle with....

 The first set of fingers that so hesitantly hold the food above are not jerking away.  She is not freaking out, throwing the food or panicking. 

  And finally, the brain that becomes so easily overloaded is simply watching.  Absorbing.  Trying to understand what is happening around him as he maintains a beautiful stillness and processes the situation at his own speed - in his own way.

Looking Into the Eyes Of The Orphan............

By necessity  my heart and compassion has been strongly focused within the four walls of our home for the past ten months.  Though I have prayed over, fund raised and cared about the larger issues of our world I haven't had the emotional margin to fully feel the weight of global suffering and have half turned away for a season.   There have been no committees, public speaking, orphan/adoption conferences, guest blogging or travel on my calender as I have focused on knowing and understanding  the needs of those closest to me first.

These eyes are calling me back. Emma's story and the daily challenges of my friend Sarah - a Montana girl who woke up in India -are piercing the fog that can surround a household like ours.  The timing is good -  cooler fall weather is bringing with it stability and the margin I need to turn back toward toward the larger orphan community.  As part of that we have chosen to sponsor another of Sarah's children - a young man named Benjamin who was misunderstood, unloved and reminds me so much of my own boys.   Our kids still remind me that the last child we sponsored -  Noah -  died - but that we loved him, Sarah loved him and God loved him.

My heart turning is also aided by friends closer to home.  Noel's gentle encouragement has caused me to register for Together For Adoption in Phoenix later this month.  I even agreed to participate in an adoptive moms panel while I am there - another sign that things are loosening - that I can take a deeper breath and look closer at what is happening outside my door.

With each step  I can feel my emotional margin expanding - Emma's eyes break my heart today - but with a 'yes - I can reach out into our world and advocate for her' rather than with the waves of silence and still hands that the last season has required of me.  Silence and listening that has been good....but oh so hard for one who prays and loves best with hands and feet and heart.

It is good.

Fall Cleanup And The Last Box Of The Moving Saga...

 Even on our tiny city lot there is plenty of work for our yard crew - this week was exuberant trees that haven't been trimmed in two years, hostas to cut back and spring bulbs to be planted.  All good tasks to keep our hands off each other and moving in a positive direction.

This week also brought an official end to the 22 month moving saga.  The last two boxes were unpacked, recycled and I should be starting therapy soon to deal with my strong aversion to anything that says "Lowe's Medium Box."