Three Legged Stool...........

The three legged stool has been used in many analogies  - but I have been using it lately to think about what our kids with hidden disorders such as FASD and Autism need to keep balanced. 

In our world the first leg is our medical community.  From therapists to neurologists we have a wide base of individuals who care about the mental and physical health of our kids and make their care a priority.  Because our kids are medically complex we can't just drop in at any clinic and get good care - they medical needs require a depth and understanding of treatment that only becomes supportive over time.

The second leg is family and home.  Foster care isn't good enough for these kids - they need forever committed parents and siblings who are able to love them exactly where they are at - regardless of if things ever change.  And they need a predictable and low stress routine.  Want to mess my kids up?  Change the days plan at the last minute and watch the sparks fly.....it can be as simple as hot cereal for breakfast vs bagels or as uncontrollable as rain passing through on a sunny day.  Whatever the trigger is we need to be constant when they can not.

The third leg is the outside community.  Church, school, sports - anything that they are involved with and where they can be known.  Developing their own identity within our larger society comes mainly through these avenues and needs to be carefully guided, timed and directed.  I know that sounds a little control freakish - but believe me - my kids with FASD in particular can pick out the most troublesome and troubled  kid in any situation and instantly long to be their best friend.  Which quickly leads us into troubled waters....and the application of the wrong type of identity.  This leg is important and often overlooked as we manage and strengthen the other two.

Of course, all children need these three legs to be successful - but some of mine and many of yours need them in order to even survive in our society.   Take one leg of the stool away and they will fall hard - often taking us down with them in their desperate attempt to find balance.

Treating Our Neighbors.....

Because we spent the past 10 years living in the inner city we never really felt comfortable taking our kids out trick-or-treating - it just didn't set right.  This year we are out of the city and trying to find ways to connect with our neighborhood of retired (70 plus) households - it seemed like a good idea to take Halloween treats around to them under the guise of the holiday.

 Unfortunatly, nothing homemade was on the weekend schedule for sharing (not even the bright orange Cannoli that Leah and James made) instead we gave out  individually wrapped pieces of Russel Stovers candy from the outlet store here in town.  It was a hit and the neighbors were thrilled to see us..though it was sort of strange to live in a community with a total of three families trick-or-treating.  Ours being the only ones who actually live in this part of the neighborhood.

The sunset was beautiful over the empty streets.

Relocating Kids With Disabilities....What I Have Learned So Far.....

It's been ten months since we moved our family from Minneapolis to Colorado Springs and maybe a few of you can learn (or empathize) if I share a little of what I have learned about moving cross country with kids who have hidden disabilities..... 

-Church 'shopping' is no fun at all.  If the kids thrive on structure and order visiting several new churches is not an easy thing.  We learned to send out small teams each Sunday to check out a situation and report back...sort of church spying ...especially since we tend to attract a lot of attention and people want to chat with us when we really need to manage the tribe and catch the ones who are trying to escape.

-All health insurance is not the same.  I never thought I would sing the praises of Blue Cross MN but believe me there are worse...way worse. 

-Our kids with disabilities should be near a major research or children's hospital.  FASD doesn't seem to exist in Colorado Springs and our insurance doesn't cover the only two Denver doctors who do without making it over a huge hurdle. (after 8 months I still don't have approval.)

-I planned for at least a year of messed up behaviors with the ones who have behavioral problems.  What I didn't plan for was how much harder it would be to manage those problems without any support from friends who know us.   Shoot - in 9 months we have left the kids twice for a total of 14 hours.   Once Patty flew down from MN and we went out for dinner and the other time my mom came in from Seattle so we could go to court for Laughter's adoption.  The fact is that our kids need special attention from a caregiver and it's not a situation to ask a casual friend to tackle.

-Local politics and services to the disabled are relevant. From looking at the Internet last year I gained an opinion that Colorado was doing great with caring for their disabled residents - I think that they were ranked 8th in Medicaid on one report (and MN was 12th) and I didn't bother to look too much further.  What I am learning by living here is that the role of politics and taxation plays a major piece in a puzzle I am still struggling to understand in a system that is almost impossible to unwind. 

-A home church is very hard to replace.  For 15 years our family was part of a church that knew and accepted us for what and who we were.  10 years ago they lived with us through the introduction of our first challenging child into Body life (I will never forget the look of determination on Char's face as she took Kudu into the nursery for the first time - his voice at decibel 10 and his little body in full, unrelenting panic mode....)  Even though we were not an easy family to love we had a concrete covenant with the community that we were in this parenting/child raising thing together.

-New neighbors have to get used to you.  Duh.  But fielding those same questions over and over again does get a little tiring... Are you fostering?  Are you a daycare? Are they in school?

-It's hard to plug in.  Another Duh, but our kids need structure and support in different ways that the main stream so we can't just pay our fees and join whatever the other kids are doing AND it's way to expensive to do most things with this many kids.  Soccer at $75/child for 9 children is just a scary number.

-Being new does make us a little nervous.  Not having anyone who knows us here makes me much more aware of what is happening all over with DHS reports on other families.  Speaking of which, keep praying!  Another two of my blogger friends are being investigated due to lies their FASD/RAD children have made to teachers about outrageous things they have thought up.

Finding Life Focus......

As part of our move to Colorado my husband and I have been wrestling through what we want life to look like for our family in this new season of life.  It's a tough process and not one that is necessarily pretty or pleasant - but we realized that unless we were willing to simply sink into the standard pattern of middle class life in America, it was a process we needed to go through.

But what's wrong with the standard middle class life?  Nothing really, as long as you are satisfied with a beautiful house in a good neighborhood, a decent job and lots of pretty scenery. 

It only gets to be a problem if that all feels hollow, lonely, worthless and redundant.  Sounds a little anti-American of me doesn't it?  Ok - so I guess I am because we are not an 'average' middle class family.  Our income doesn't cover two adults and two kids - it cares for 13.  Our kids don't fall into the 'average' range of abilities - some are above and others will always be far below, and our desire for relationship and fellowship doesn't exactly fit into the 'let's chat while the kids have soccer practice' model that most of the middle-class moms I know tend to embrace.

Noooo....after living, breathing and loving the concept of Christian Hedonism and choosing to be in intimate fellowship with others for 15 years, a taste of straight out Hedonism is bitter to me and not at all satisfying.  Which helps us find focus - because knowing what we don't want helps affirm what we do. 

Attachment Disorder Checklist.......

My friend Kari over at Coffee Catharsis saved me a huge pile of typing by writing this post on Attachment Disorder today.  I think that every potential adoptive family should be reading things like this before they adopt and trying the reality on for size. 

Though it's human nature to think that 'our experience will be different' really looking at own reality and that of others we trust can teach us alot about pre and post natal childhood trauma.  So if you are thinking about adopting, link over, read it to the end and see if that is a part of the adoption experience you are envisioning........because this is a very real possibility.

Excuse Me? 18 degrees this Am?!

Thanks for praying - during the late hours of last night and early this morning things have shifted and peace has returned - accompanied by this crazy temperature swap from the mid sixties to the teens.  

Please keep praying over medication issues and the details of our relocation to Colorado.

Prayer Would Be Good...

Some days are sad and lonely - and this is the mother of them. I could really use prayer.

Girl Time....

Saturday Star and I took a half day off from the rest of the family and splurged on tickets to Cavalia in Denver.  As a die-hard horse lover since I was ten, I share her love of the beautiful creatures and hope to add them back into our life in the future. 

 Even the 'cheap seats' up high in the circus tent had a great view and the people around us were almost as colorful as the performers below.

By 7:30pm we were hungry and not quite ready to rejoin the chaos at home.  A quick dinner at Noodles and Co was a good transition time and with tummies full we were back in time to share part of the Cavalia DVD with the rest of the family.

Living with so many challenging siblings makes these little trips away all the more special to both of us.  Instead of having to enlist her to help with crowd control I can focus for a few house on enjoying only her - and we both benefit.

Testing Our Wings.......

An hour ago our oldest five posed for this photo and headed off on their first big 'kids only' adventure since we moved to Colorado.   The plan is for them to walk through neighborhoods for about a mile, cross a major six lane road and then disappear into the cliffs and trails of Palmer Park.  They have food, water, band aids and a cell phone that will work when they are off the cliff area.  I sent them with our phone number written in sharpie on one arm, a hug and a deep mommy sigh.  Things like this are normal, important pieces of growing up and for those with FASD and Aspergers they are milestones that can often bring a crisis with them.  Two hours from now I am going to go pick them up at the rendezvous point.....until then it's up to them.

Numbers Make Me Laugh....

Even though I spent many high school evenings crying over the mysteries of algebra and geometry, as an adult I have become fascinated by numbers.  I love researching taxes (sick isn't that?), run balance sheets at home for fun and in 2008 added a counter to the bottom of this blog to see if anyone was even reading what I posted. 

Today was a great number day - the counter passed 300,000 and I laughed thinking about all of the fun and new friends I have met over the past two years of blogging.

Thanks to all of you who do check in here - and for giving me a smile as 300,000 turned over.

"Sticker charts and time outs do not fix FASD........."

Kari over at Coffee Catharsis shared a great post today on FASD and the use of traditional behavioral modification techniques - want to know more?  Link here

(And can I add to her comment about sticker charts and time outs that spanking and parental approval don't fix FASD either.)

Hormones and Adoption............

In the past I have written a little about the effect that bringing a child into a family often has on those maternal hormones.  For me and many of my friends, we have found that though we do not birth our adopted children our bodies react to them in much the same way as a pregnancy.

Which is fine, except we don't get 10 months to build up to it (so it hits me like a train) and usually our husbands and friends don't see the correlation between our extreme hormonal behaviors and the new baby/child.  Causing not a little stress, and often distress for those we love the most.

Post - adoption blues?  YES!  Pre-delivery insanity?  Absolutely! And how about that surge of hyper-diligent easily upset emotion that seems to carry us along like a tidal wave? That's me no question - it just looks a little different because it's focused on paperwork and travel arrangements not OB visits and hospital bags.

So what does it mean? Mostly nothing, but knowing that it might happen is a good enough reason to extend a little extra grace and understanding to adoptive moms and to choose to love them through it.

A Sensory World: How Much I Didn't Know!

Naps have been chaos lately and I have needed to spend several hours each day sitting on my bed policing the six of them that really need a mid-day break.  If I'm not in the room naps don't happen, things are destroyed and the rest of the day is headed for a crash and burn.  For the three school-age kids who still need naps, homeschool has offered us the great opportunity to be sure we can get the downtime they need.

For the last two days I have invested my patrol time watching the TCU Institute of Child Development DVD titled A Sensory World: Making Sense of Sensory Disorder.  Even though I have lived for almost 11 years with a child who clearly has sensory issues - watching this helped me pull together so many of the pieces that I have scattered through the years of parenting.  

After watching I am convinced that we have at least 4 kids with sensory processing problems and that we have been muddling through life with only a basic understanding of why wearing a turtleneck was trauma, why shoes might be unbearable, and how the cycle of fight/flight/freeze (and may I add scream?)  might look like defiance  - when in fact it might be something very different. 

I guess this is one of those moments when I could feel really guilty because I have done such a bad sensory parenting job in the past or I could thank God that I have a whole pile of younger ones that I can apply this new information to. 

I'm choosing the latter - Because I'm just not very good at guilt.

A Good Murder Mystery...

I just finished Charles Todd's book The Red Door.  Contrary to the title there is no (as in not even a kiss) sex in it and in fact it's a fun study on post WWI England and the trouble with rank and family ties.  It's well written enough that I am having my mystery loving 14 year old read it next and I was pleasantly surprised to be wrong about 'who dunit' in the end.  No sex, very little violence (ok a few people are killed but they are dispatched cleanly without any drama or too many details) and an interesting story line.  I did have a little trouble catching up with who was who to start, but kept at it and by chapter three was up to speed - others on Amazon didn't seem to like it - but I found it worth a weekend read.

Developing a New Family Vision......

I never really thought about how much of our family vision was built around living in an inner-city neighborhood, being long time, active members of a church that embraced a war-time lifestyle and advocating for, supporting and loving the urban poor.  Now that we have been radically transplanted to this almost foreign, suburban life we are taking the time to really think through what our vision is for the family as we move forward on this new adventure.  Tonight I'm thinking out loud.......

I hope,
That my children will live outrageous, passionate lives
And that we will be right beside them.

I hope,
That everyone of them - regardless of ability or disability
Will live out their very own story -
and not just plod through life.

That they will chose people ahead of money,
Without even thinking.
And that they will learn to embrace others suffering,
And work for change,
Because they would not be not afraid
To help carry someones pain.

I hope that they will travel,
And learn and see,
That they can make a difference in this world.

One person,
One moment,
One cup of water at a time.

I hope that they will always be learners,
I hope that they will always trust what is right
and chose to do it,
Rather than going with what is easy.

I hope that they will love,
and weep,
and reach out to
those who are hurting.
And counting the cost -
Find them worth the sacrifice.

I hope to hear their
wild ideas
for change
and help them dream a dream
that takes tragedy
and transforms it
into beauty.

I hope that each one
will take up their own faith
and follow Him.

Our Sensory World....

Sometimes a photo really is worth a 1000 words.  Our sensory seekers (and avoiders) have been in full swing this fall.  These are not just dress-up photos - this is our real life..........

The super tight rubber garden gloves are essential on days that we are tired - meals, naps, church, school.  These are the seasons fashion accessory.........



As are the dark blue goggles, sensory ball and super tight headband which create a barrier between us and a world that is confusing and scary..........

And therapy benefits everyone when we are learning to deal with heat, space and body positioning at the kitchen stove.  As long as the younger ones are patient!



Embracing Suffering (in Adoption) and Doing it Well........

There are many things I wanted to blog on this morning - but a link sent over by Lori jumped ahead of them all.   Over at A Study in Brown  a post from the 13th beautifully worked through the issue of a particular adoption disruption and the truth behind the pain and suffering that went along with it.  I wanted to share the hope this morning...here is a taste with a link to the full post below it.

"It’d been a few years since we’d seen each other and we laughed and smiled over the changes, exclaimed over the now-tall young men and women we’d once held as babes in each others’ arms.   I lamented the rushing years and the grey in my hair.  She told of the new business, a trip to the Grand Canyon, a son in college. “And how’s Bryan doing?”  I asked, looking around for the boy I’d seen only in Christmas pictures, his blond hair and impish smile making him an uncanny fit with his adoptive family.  My own adopted son, born with the same drug and alcohol-affects as Bryan, stood tall in the background, hands shoved deep in his pockets, grinning quietly at the flow of memories and old jokes that was running between the gathered kids. My friend’s eyes grew pained and her face changed. “He’s not…here…anymore,” she whispered.

Sadness crept through my body as I waited for her explanation. “People don’t know,” she said. “They don’t know what it’s like.”...................
It was tempting to be angry at the unfairness - and yet I’d learned through my own trials that there was another way to understand the suffering.  You see, each of us had wanted to live the gospel…and God had answered our prayers. The gospel life is an invitation to come and die.........." 

To read the rest of this post please click here.   Even if you haven't experienced the loss of hope and dreams and the utter sense of failure that can come with the adoption of hurting children, please read the rest.  We all have suffering and failure somewhere in our lives and this truth needs to be spoken over it all.

Rejoicing in living the gospel, in whatever form it takes.

Take Me In ........

Some day's are just perfectly one sort of worship...this was a Kutless: Take Me In type of day.  All over loud, in my face and divinely orchestrated to remind me that more than anything I want to be in that Holy Place - in His presence - regardless of what the world thinks about me.

Why I Am Happy To Spend $60 On An Outfit For My Preteen............

(Sorry about the format on this Blogger is freaking out on me...)

Star is an amazing young lady.  At 12 she is smart, athletic, compassionate, hardworking and funny.  She is always a willing helper in daily tasks and just plain sweet. 

One of the things I really appreciate is her internal sense of fashion and ability to notice with others are wearing but not to be unduly influenced by fashion or critical of others choices.  She just knows what she likes and ignores the rest. 

Several years ago she fell in love with the look and feel of Hannah Anderson's dresses and leggings. Thankfully she is good at finding them in the local thrift stores and loves perusing their retail catalogue so she knows what to look for.

While we were in Seattle last month she and I took a little road trip with Granny Sue to their outlet store and purchased this pink leggings and dress outfit for her.  There is a matching fuzzy fleece pullover that she chose also and as the weather has turned cooler she is constantly wearing them.

But $60?  Isn't that a little extreme when almost everything else for the family comes from Goodwill or friends hand-me-downs?  Yes and no.  Yes, it's a lot of money to spend on one outfit.  No, I don't think it's a bad idea because everything else we do purchase used. (Think of what it would cost to purchase new for 13 people!)   By encouraging her to think and plan a purchase like this we are encouraging her sense of style (a modest and highly functional style which is a bonus) and helping her learn how to make wise choices vs impulse decisions with her clothing dollars.



Gearing Up For Orphan Sunday.............

Our Orphan Sunday shirts arrived yesterday - Storm was thrilled to see 12 matching shirts in the box and over the top when I told him one was for him (you can't see it but he has it clutched in his arms.)  Friday the 5th is Kudu's 11th birthday and our family is excited to celebrate it by ushering at the Orphan Sunday/New Life Friday night event.  Icing on that is that Kudu will be able to see in person The Desperation Band - his personal favorite .   Here is the link to the event details - any chance you will join us there?

My Funny Nine Month Old....

Our family loves it when the newest 'baby' learns to walk.  Laughter wont turn one until a few days before Christmas but at exactly 9 months old he stood up and took off walking.  Now at 9.5 months he is fast on his feet and all 26lbs of him is into all sorts of new fun....like tipping his sisters school bin. This video is for Granny Sue who hasn't seen this new trick in person.

Pardon Me While I Choke On An Elephant....

Like the title of this post?  It's an accurate reflection of how I have been feeling for the past 9 months and a good reminder to myself that I have been blessed with a calling/job/life journey (whatever you want to call it) that if swallowed in one bite would be as hard to manage as trying to swallow an elephant.

In the past two weeks I have come to a crashing (but healthy) place where I am realizing that I have totally forgotten to break down the hundreds of things I need to do into manageable chunks.   In other words,  I have been trying to swallow this elephant whole rather than one well chewed bite at a time.  And man - have I been choking on it!

Now that I have spit out that huge un-swallowable mouthful I can look at what we need to do first and start moving forward logically rather than spinning in wild circles.  Not that some of it had to be managed in this crazy way - moving 13 of us cross country demanded a level of chaos that I normally wouldn't advocate - but it's time to move out of crisis mode and back into a well paced and highly organized place that allows everyone to function at their personal best. 

So that's what the end of this year is now committed to ....getting rebalanced, re centered, reestablished and then moving into new things like the battle for services and trying to understand what really is available to my kids here in Colorado.   Of course, Christmas is coming and all this settling might just be in order to embrace #12.....not that I have any interest or insight into that at this point- though I did hear my husband say 'this one isn't a baby any more' which are famous last words in our family.

Think.......

Today I needed to put our two year old Storm into timeout in a pile of blankets on my bedroom floor.  He was angry at me because I wouldn't let him pull three year old Tender's ear and dead set on winding up for a good scream and holler fit.  Then it was silent....too silent and he was totally still with his head and shoulders under our bed. 

His feet wiggled and I heard the sound of crinkling paper.  Darn,  I knew that he had something of mine under there and was bent on destruction.  Thankfully I was close enough to get him out from under the bed and discover that he had the cover to Pastor John's new book Think in his hands - which was funny because I didn't even know we had a copy yet.  I explored a little further and found that he had wedged the actual book up close to the headboard and both were saved.

The real joke came a little later when I asked my husband about the book.  He said he had left it on the bed for me Sunday night as a present and assumed I had found it because it was gone at bedtime.   I'm thinking that Storm found it first and hid it under the bed - only to rediscover it today.  The fun is that I have a new book to read - and a tantrum diverted.

May I Borrow Your Toothbrush?

One of the strangest parts about parenting kids with different learning abilities is that many times the 'best practices' of normal life just don't make sense.  Last week I had one of my kids come and asked (YEAH! They asked and didn't just take.) if they could borrow my electric toothbrush.  It wasn't that their own was missing or the bristles were falling out - they just wanted to try mine. 

In the normal world my answer would be no - it's mine and I don't want to share that one thing.  In my alternate reality the end justifies the means and I have been trying to promote an interest in tooth brushing with this particular child for several years. As out of sync as it might seem to the rest of the world I smiled at this particular child and gave them the 30 second tutorial on using my toothbrush.   Who knows - this might be the break though we needed to gain this particular life skill.

Shaking the Apple Tree.........

Enough with the heavy topics for a while.  I'm just too A-type to live there for long.

This afternoon the kids and I tackled the monster apple tree in our back yard and had to come up with creative ways to get the apples down from places we couldn't reach.  Rather than go buy a taller ladder (too simple) we sent Steam up the tree and the rest of us stood underneath holding sheets out like the parachute game.  He jumped up and down, shook and rattled the tree until it rained a deluge of apples down on us.

The little ones had the right idea - they dropped their edges and ran for their Bob the Builder hard hats.  The rest of us fools just dodged and yelled whenever we were hit.  In the end we ate a half a laundry baskets worth of apples and saved another one for pies and eating tomorrow.  I'm sure we made our 70-something neighbors laugh hysterically with our apple picking antics and the Monday buildup of stress was broken.

When You Have Had Enough.....

My friend Traci handed me a phone number after our Connected Child book club last week and said 'when you have had enough - call this lady."  The number was to our local link into the Medicaid/Special needs assistance person and by Thursday I was exhausted, emotional and 'had had enough.' 

I called and talked to a wonderfully compassionate and realistic woman who actually asked the question that I wish someone had asked me earlier in our journey.   "WHY on earth did you adopt these kids through private agencies without subsidies or support in place?  I CANT help you hardly at all because of it!"  Which of course made me cry...but not out of control, just more as an affirmation of what i had been thinking myself.  We (and many other adoptive families) are in an awkward position.

What I know now and wish I known earlier is that between the way private health insurance has been  moving (fewer and fewer benefits for mental health issues like FASD and an almost total dependence on the early intervention services of public schools that are already overloaded.) and the way the public assistance programs run (our kids are too high-functioning to qualify for benefits, we make too much money to qualify for others and the wait list is 5-7 years in Colorado anyway) the odds are definitely against us and more specifically against our kids.

It's a sad thing to face.  For 15 years I have been a strong advocate of private adoption - trusting that the high adoption fees that are involved will be paid and children spared years of languishing in the foster care system.  I am still an advocate (and willing to adopt again) but when I am counseling potential adoptive parents I am adding into every discussion the reality that the cost of parenting kids with FASD's is higher than most of us can pay for out of pocket and the tide seems to be turning away from providing the care and treatments that would best help our kids.  I am encouraging parents to seriously follow up on provisional subsidies before bringing home a high-risk child through private adoption (benefits kick in if there are genetic or prebirth damage related diagnosis later - it's like a safety net.)

So what does it all mean? I don't know yet - I am still struggling to find a FASD specialist in Colorado that will work with my children and am resigned to paying their high fees out of pocket.  Ten years into this journey I am becoming more aware of the long-term emotional commitment that I need to make to my children's care and gaining a deeper understanding of what that might entail.  I am not discouraged, but I am seeing the reality of what lies ahead and taking a deep breath to take the next step.

Love and Faith Don't Change FASD Brain Damage.......

Everyone of us who parents kids with FASD hopes that their story will be different- better- more hopeful that the statistics.  After all, looking at the numbers tells us our children are in serious danger of become just another 'crash and burn' story regardless of what we do or don't do to help them grow up with FASD and we don't like that at all.

We live in an alternate universe as parents when our kids have prenatal alcohol exposures - forget high achievement, forget 'average,' our goals for them often boil down to 'hurt no one and be able to function at any level in normal society.' (Or baring that how about a good group home when they are 30?)   Which is super revealing for us A-type, super social, read a book to learn what you don't know, parents.  What I am seeing more and more of is that the 'sucess' stories of raising kids with FASD's are really (and I mean REALLY) the exception rather than the rule.  Which is a sad reality and will have some of my friends scolding me for having little faith, little hope or little imagination.  I know that God can heal them - no question about it -  but most of what I see is not healing in this life but long hard roads of suffering (hopefully well) for all who love and live with FASD.

Today my friend Julie blogged on the harsh reality that their sweet son has taken a turn for the FASD/RAD hard road as his teen hormones have hit and he starts to move outside the circle of their protection.  These are great (super, amazing, my highest role model) parents and they couldn't change the affects of pre-birth alcohol consumption on their son.  This is the reality- we need to keep saying it loud and clear - FASD is serious, irreversible and 100% preventable - I am sure that the 40,000 babies that will be born this year with alcohol exposures would agree, it's worth being loud about. 

A Bethlehem Sort of Day.......

Friday the kids and I spent a portion of our school time watching the presentation of the new book For The Fame Of God's Name.  It was a bitter sweet thing to watch the kids identify that they knew Justin Taylor and then their total excitement when they saw Pastor John walk into camera (it's been 9 months since they last gave him one of their exuberant post-sermon hugs.) 

Because we were members for 15 years none of our kids has even known a life that didn't include a portion of Bethlehem. I have never been a mom outside of that sheltering shadow, or a wife, or even much of a believer.  For 15 of the 17 years since I have proclaimed Christ as Savior I have been known and loved by this body - everyone of my children has been rejoiced over and folded into the fellowship, every trial known and shared.  Sundays are hard - really hard - because I have a large B shaped hold in my heart waiting to be refilled.

Technology is a large part of my life.  I blog, pay bills, research, contact doctors and teach my 8 home schooled kids using a variety of computer based programs.  Part of this reality is that I have to regularly manage four different computers with all variety of operating systems and versions of Office - and this was the fall I resolved to standardize them and make my life easier.

My plans were moved forward when Microsoft released their new Windows and Office programs and a fellow adoptive mom, blog reader and Microsoft employee offered out of the blue to provide programs for us.  What a great gift and a huge answer to my mental debate about standardizing this fall.

Of course there were the usual glitches with wiping and loading new programs onto older computers but within a week I had them all up and running beautifully.  Now all I have to do is finish a little rewiring so that I can get  the wireless router close enough to get a strong signal.  That's a job for next week.

Pikes Peak is Not For The Faint of Heart.................

 After several futile attempts to drive to the summit of Pikes Peak we finally made it yesterday. Kudu and Steam both had problems with the altitude (they are also the two that tested positive earlier this summer for mono - I wonder if there is a connection) but the rest of us enjoyed the 70's style drive to 14100 feet and the noticeable temperature drop to 22'. I was surprised that there were not more warning signs about the grade of the climb or the rather impressive cliffs should a driver forget to focus on the task at hand.  The rangers did stop us and test our brake temperatures about half way down...which was good as we were over the safe limit - 320' I believe was our reading.

 View from the top........

One of my more favorite corners which turned into a switchback immediately around the bend.  Not an easy task in a 15 pass van and I would have appreciated more than a four foot shoulder between me and a huge drop off...........

Of course we stopped for deep fried doughnuts - the same type as my mom made back in the 70's.  

Quote of the Day.......

 Life is either a daring adventure -

or it is nothing.

*Hellen Keller*

What type of life are you living?

Draft Of The 2010 8839 - The Refund is REAL!

Here is the link to the 2010 drafted version of 8839 (IRS form for adoption credits that I am SO familiar with.)  Here also is the draft 1040 - the adoption credits (for new adoptions in 2010 and carryforward combined go on line 71 and called 'total payments' which you deduct your amount owed from that number to get the refund amount.)

 Since we are in October and this version is out there for comment I'm thinking that this refund is really going to happen.  No promises but it's looking good.

I know TOM too........

Kari wrote this hysterical post on her special friend TOM today.  I have to admit that TOM is a regular part of my daily life also and has proven to be a lifesaver more than once. (On those disaster days when I was sure it was either me on one of the children that wasn't going to see another sunrise.) Curious yet? 

Time
Only
Me = TOM

I'm not going to write a great post like she did (though I do think reading it will make you laugh - and since the dr's say that laughing is good for your health I encourage you to click the link)  But I will say that I have gone to some pretty funny extremes lately to find a little TOM time.  Including putting my 14 year old son in charge of a dozen frozen pot pies, planting the other 10 kids in front of Food Network and hiding in the bathtub, lights out, margarita in hand at 5:30 on a weeknight.  It worked - at 5:45 I emerged warm, smiling and ready to tackle the next four hours of my day.  

FASD and Stealing..........

Earlier this week Barb did a great job of explaining one of the frequent, real life issues of  FASD - a constant pattern of stealing/taking/making things disappear.  For people who don't live with impulse control disorders, FASD or similar behavioral problems in their home this is a good introduction to what it's like.  

Too often I have stood in my own kitchen wondering out loud ..who could help me find the missing (cell phone, keys, lotion, lipstick, whatever the item of the moment is)  knowing that there was very little chance of it ever being recovered if I went into  the "line up the usual suspects and make them sit here until someone confesses mode."

Carryover Adoption Credits are REFUNDABLE in 2010?!

I am trying not to get too excited about this yet, but according to this IRS document it appears that they are ending the carryover adoption tax credit and REFUNDING it (with proper documentation like an adoption decree) beginning with the 2010 tax filings.  For middle class adopting families like us this is huge...I think we have about $50,000 in adoption tax credit between 2005 and 2009 that we have not been able to use because our tax liabilities have been so low.  Just thinking about it makes my head spin.

(Update Note:  Looking around a little more I'm seeing lots of confusion  - but the link and comments on the bottom of page 3 in the above document seem to be pretty clear in the new refundability of carryover credits.  I also went back and reviewed our own taxes...in 2010 another $10,000 in carry forward drops off for our adoption of River which lowers the amount to $40,000.  BUT because Wind's adoption finalization took so long - 15 months her credit will carry forward or be refunded...however it falls out in the end.  Crazy)

I'm Sorry........

I owe the City of Colorado Springs a big apology.  In a state where resources are scarce the fact that my kiddos will not leave the underground utility flags and spray paint markings alone for their projects is part of a sad reality. 

This morning I watched with compassion as a sweaty worker investing three hours careful noting all of the underground lines in our backyard and throughout our end of the neighborhood.  I also watched three of my kids, just like little crows following a trail of bread crumbs as they shadowed him and erased (spray paint on sandy dirt is sort of fun to mix) or moved every flag and mark he made.  Of course we confessed and apologized - which was negated by the huge grins on their faces and their obvious intention of repeating the fun should he try to mark their territory again.

Which is unfortunately a reality - unless I keep them locked in the house for the next five days nothing is going to stop them repeating the process. It isn't about training or discipline.  It isn't about parenting or teaching them respect. It's much the same as leaving a bowl of chocolates alone on the counter with a toddler - there is a serious lack of impulse control and my FASD troupe is irrefutably drawn toward the forbidden thing.

So, my deepest apologies to the Marking Team for Colorado Springs...I promise to have lots of bottled water and homemade cookies on hand when you come to dig our street up. Beleive me, you are going to get to know my crew while you work on our corner and I sure hope you don't leave any tools lying where they could get their hands on them.

Andie's Fingerprints Are All Over My House......

I am only a little jealous that Dearest has spent all day today worshiping at our home church and visiting in our old neighborhood.  It's not like I don't have Facebook and Blogger, texting and email to keep me connected to all the wonderful women I was blessed with over our 15 years in Minnesota - but there is nothing like a shared smile to feed a tired woman's heart.

I did share a virtual smile with my friend Andi as I realised that I was wearing a shirt she gave me as I dusted her parting gift to me which was this God With Us arrangement next to a Father to the Fatherless print on our mantle. 

I smiled again as I took clean towels to our bathroom and enjoyed again how perfectly the big print she gave us and that I had despaired of ever getting to Colorado in one piece fills the space over our bed.  And how beautifully the message from psalm 90:14 fills my heart each time I make the bed.

Andie's fingerprints of faith and love and beauty are all over my house here in Colorado - they bring me a much treasured, long distance smile.

If any of you are interested in her artwork her on-line store is here I'm thinking Christmas presents already.

Am I A Mistake?....

E and I have been friends since kindergarten - 38 year have brought us into this strange reality that we are both parenting kids on the Autism spectrum.  Though she is in Alaska and I am in Colorado, our hearts are grounded in a small Washington town and we both struggle to wade through the daily reality of living with kids who have debilitating hidden disabilities.  Friday her son asked her long-distance from his treatment center if he was a mistake...what a question for a mommy to field from thousands of miles away.  Her answer is behind this link and my auntie answer to him is below.

No matter what anyone says,
or hints,
or thinks,
You are not a mistake.

Your value is not in
How good a son you are,
How smart,
How well mannered,
How attractive.

It's not about who is your dad,
Or what he has done,
or if your doors are locked from the outside.

Your value is not based,
on how much your care costs,
or how many days you have been gone.

It's not about getting out,
Or getting even,
Or getting some.

It's not determined by your mistakes,
or the things you do to please us.

It's not about broken neurology
or diagnosis,
or leaps forward
and wild slides back....

No -
absolutely -
you are not a mistake.

You are a precious young man,
dearly loved,
treasured,
prayed over,
a person who matters -
not only because you are the
child of my longest friend
but because God made you
and nothing He does
is ever a mistake.

No -
I thank God for you
and you are not a mistake.

Don't Pick A Fight You Can't Win........

 Parenting a mass of kids with as many issues are there are hours in the day has led us to make some changes to our parenting plan that surprise even us.  Dearest has been gone for the past 24 hours and I can tell that I have gone into my 'don't pick a fight you can't win' method of parenting. 

What does that mean?  Mostly it means understanding and internalizing that I (my strength, temper, and decision making) are the most limited and important resource we have while he is gone and that I am responsible for making sure there is enough of me to last through Tuesday.  If I fail there is no plan b - so I need to be sure I am doing everything I can to not come up empty.

To that end I'm reading (and teaching) both my Bible and Hope Rising a book that my friend Shari brought when she visited last month.  I have to keep balance - looking forward into a promised future as well as filling my heart with stories of hope in this current day.  Before Dearheart left we also intentionally connected with a Friday night movie-date in our living room which helped take of the desperate edge that a high-stress week had left me with.  Even though we have watched Moonstruck many times we still laugh hysterically at our favorite parts and  that laughter goes a long way when I am managing the crew alone.

On that note I also threw out all the parenting ideals for the weekend.  A good example was when Storm (our two year old) was winding up for a good old rage at me last night - I sat him in the dirty laundry basket on top of a pile of clothes.  Why?   Because I could tell by his expression that he was going to pee all over the place in his anger at me and his upset over the messed up schedule this week.  It worked like a charm.  He peed all over the laundry, I made him sit there until it all soaked in and then excused him to take his pants off, throw them into the front loader right next to him and then add the rest of the basket.  Talk about a stunned child.  Usually peeing all over gets mom worked up - this time.....it got him another chore and a giggling parent.

In the end I won and he's still trying to figure out what went wrong in his plan.  I basically took a fight I couldn't win and turned the tables - preserving my emotion and squeezing a little margin out of an over full reality...and maybe sharing a good laugh in the telling.

Book Study Night This Tuesday!

Last month I used the weak excuse that I was on vacation in Seattle to explain my absence at the first meeting of our new adoption related book club.  This month I am happy and excited to re-extend an invitation to anyone else who missed last month but wants to jump in as newbies with me. 

What are the basics?  We are reading through The Connected Child (Purvis/Ross/Sunshine)and talking through the accompanying study guide that you can download for free here.  We are starting with chapter three this month and moving forward to chapter five.   Don't worry if you haven't read it...I think the main point is  that we are going to talk it through together.


Details: We will be meeting the 1st Tuesday of each month, 6:30pm at the Rockrimmon Campus of Woodmen Valley Chapel.

Childcare is available for birth through 11 by calling 388-5002 with 48 hrs notice

I hope you will come - these topics are always easier for me to think through with other people who are living them.

Ponyo Night......

Some of us were a little under the weather today.  Daddy was gone, it was cooler than usual outside and the chaos of our week had put many of us out of sorts.  Other than trying to fix one of the two broken vacuum cleaners (I think I brought one back to life) there was nothing on the agenda this afternoon except peace and quiet so we came up with a plan.  It began with baking four loaves of bread (7 grain + fresh ground wheat was the choice to warm up the house. Though why the only photo is one of them rising leaves me a little confused.

 Then, while the bread was baking the kids settled into a pile and watched Ponyo which is a fun Asian animation retelling of The Little Mermaid my mom blessed us with.  About that time we decided to remake a meal in the movie with quick noodles, ham and spinach and an extra handful of mushrooms thrown in.  Everyone was thrilled as well as filled (four pounds of bread plus the big pot of noodles later they should be!) and we ended what could have been a very long day on a happy note.

FASD: Kari's Latest Adventure...........

My friend Kari was one of the families that had to deal with a school raised abuse concern over the past week.  The investigation has passed now and is being closed ...but I am sure the repercussions will carry forward in their minds for a long time.

I am linking to her description of the situation because I think it is a good window into some of the side effects of parenting kids with prenatal exposures.  These are the details and realities that many of us wish we never had to think about (but have to)and that most 'normal' families will never have to consider.

Here is part of what Kari wrote regarding a bruise on her child's leg and the resulting investigation..........
"Java makes simplistic connections between cause and effect, at best. ("Daddy did it"). She does not always understand intent (purposeful vs. accidental) and relaying details and sequence of an event are deficits related to her brain processing differences and memory deficits. I had no idea what she said during the interview beyond "Daddy did it" but I could certainly imagine how her statements would concern someone.........."  Read the rest here.

Chefs Clearance Sale TODAY!

Ohhhhh...12-4 today and 8-3 Sat/Sun the Chefs Warehouse Clearance Sale is on here in the Springs!  What a huge amount of fun for those of us who live in the kitchen.  See you there.

Teaching Place Value....

This is my most recent thrift store tool in the long process of trying to teach place value to one of our older kids.  Over the last four years we have used blocks, columns, repetition and any other method i could  find to try and help establish the ones, tens, hundreds, thousands concept...with little success.  This seems to be helping conceptually, we read this number as one hundred thirty five. 

The next challenge is mentally linking the written number to the number of beads in each column.

How about a Surgeon Generals note on wine bottles that says:  Drinking while pregnant may cause your child to not be able to understand the basics of second grade math.