Large Families and The Environment......

Many people assume we are either Catholic, Mormon or a daycare when they see us in public. I have heard plenty of nasty comments about our 15 passenger van and how we are 'encouraging' over population of the world by adopting so many kids. This article was brought to my attention by my cyber-friend Marti, part of it argues that large families make a smaller carbon footprint than several smaller families....good morning reading before I hop into my tidy little Prius rental car and zoom off to Summit.

Notes From Summit VI....

The first day of Summit VI is over and it's been an amazing day. One fact that I can't get out of my head was shared by Children's Hopechest in a session on Human Trafficking and the Orphan.

They shared that less than 1% of the kids who become involved in human trafficking ever get out. Which means that 99% live and die within that tragic reality of abuse and orphans are the most vulnerable group being trafficked.

Sobering..
Terrifying....
Reality.

Here are links to two important sites about trafficking : NOT FOR SALE and She is Priceless go over to them and have your heart broken with mine...then join me as we look to God for answers.

Lion Tamer....

Just for the record....when you are mom to 7 boys there are days when your job description includes 'lion tamer.' Regardless of how good a job you do in teaching and training them the testosterone just boils over.

When The Social History Says "No Drugs, No Alcohol..."

Life with FASD/ARND or any of the other spikes off of this particular disability is never easy and most often not predictable. My friend Barb wrote an excellent post today on a encounter she had involving neighbors alcohol exposed kids and a situation she was involved in over the weekend. I would encourage you to read it and experience the mess that is often the fallout from this type of prenatal exposure and one reason we all agree that we HATE FASD.

Even before I read Barb's post this morning I had been chewing on a situation that we have encountered with several birth moms. I look at some of my kids and I see FASD without question - facial characteristics at the top of the scale, secondary physical indicators, behavioral and learning challenges consistent with alcohol exposure pre-birth. Everything seems to diagnose them on the FASD spectrum except the maternal acknowledgement that she ever drank. Time after time we have heard 'no drugs or alcohol' from social workers - a statement that looses all validity as soon as we see photos of the children. It's taken me 10 years of living with FASD in our house to maybe figure out what's happening here...I feel like I have just been hit between the eyes with the obvious because the answer is so simple.


My kids with FASD lie - compulsively, reflexively, without even knowing that they are doing it. Without remembering what they said moments later they stick to what they believe is the right answer regardless of truth. I suspect that if my daughter with ARND sat in front of a social worker as a pregnant teen wanting to place a child for adoption she would say she never drank, took drugs or had premarital sex.

The social worker would obviously disregard her statement about sex (duh - she's pregnant) and then most likely write "Deny's use of drugs and alcohol" on the social history paperwork. Writing that eliminates the opportunity for a clear diagnosis if the child later demonstrates FASD issues and provides misleading information to an adoptive family. But it doesn't mean that she didn't drink - it just means that she SAYS she didn't in that moment - which in the big picture of living with FASD means just about nothing.


By thinking about what it means to be an adult with FASD I am realizing that there are some clues hidden in our birth mom social histories. Statements like: "Her parents were both alcoholics.." "Grandparents were alcoholic..." "Socially unable to make good decisions, poor impulse control.." "..ran away from parents who drank.." "Small for age, athletic, school was hard..." "Says she will never drink because both parents were serious alcoholics.." "addicted to...""Can't handle money or keep a job.." "Continues to get pregnant - unable to parent..." "lies compulsively.." the similar comments go on and on across the board. Our culture has identified these behaviors as the culture of poverty and often calls them welfare moms (in a derogatory way) but what if many of them are FASD affected women who had brain damage before they were born? What would that mean to us as a society and as adoptive families?

Of course not all birth moms or women on assistance were exposed to alcohol in utero, but I think that many were. After all, if there are more than 2 million adults under the FASD umbrella in the US then 50% of them should be women and if part of their hidden disability is impulse control and an inability to stay focused and keep a job then it makes perfect sense that they would be birthing babies they couldn't parent and not be able to care for themselves economically.


So....we need to deal with birth moms who exhibit signs of FASD in different ways. If we expect lying we should never ask yes-no questions. They will always try to give the 'right' answer vs the truth to keep out of trouble - it's a habit because they are often in trouble. Traditional birth control discussions won't work because it's an impulse issue and birth control has to be planned. So many angles to normal discussion just wouldn't work with them because their brains are not functioning 'normally.'

This line of thinking takes me into a whole other realm of FASD - remember the old lawyer joke within the criminal justice system that everyone in prison is 'innocent' or at least claims to be. With numbers as high as 60% suspected FASD in US prisons doesn't that lead to some interesting questions about recidivism and rehabilitation? (The two main goals of the US penal system.)

Humm...the more I think, the more I wonder how deeply FASD has affected the course of history here in America and around the world and how many people truly live under the shadow of it's wings.

An Idea For Mothers Day........

Other than a little dark chocolate and lots of kisses there isn't much I want for Mother's Day - but I really like this idea that Sarah's Covenant Homes has on their site. I am thankful that Sarah (and her husband!) have been faithful in their promise to love and care for the disabled orphans of India - and that we have the opportunity to help through our giving, advocacy and prayer.

What would you give to help save a child's life? Is it worth $10 to you or $100? I take Sarah's ministry seriously and count each one of her children as a blessing and worth our families investment - every moment of their lives is a gift and not one that should disregarded because they are the very least of India.

Even Church is Hard When You Can't Read...

Reading is an assumed skill in American society. By the time you are in Second grade (or 7 years old) people just expect you to have mastered the basics. Moving to Colorado and changing churches has really emphasized how much my non-reading older child has been able to 'pass' because of the routine and predicable nature of our life. Put this child into a strange place, with worship songs they don't have memorized and an order of service that isn't what they are used to and they flounder. It's painful to watch and eye opening to work through. In comes out in strange ways - if the Sunday school bathroom passes have words instead of pictures or colors then there is a crisis. A door with an in/out sign is just random letters and an unprepared teacher telling them to 'sign in on the sheet' ...well that's just impossible.

In MN we had the opportunity to love and live close to several older adults who never passed the most basic levels of reading. They had comprehension and ability at the first or second grade and somehow survived into their retirement. Watching my child struggle now, I am all the more thankful for the perseverance and strength those 'uneducated' neighbors demonstrated to us and thankful that others have come alongside in recent months to fill our place in their lives.

Snow? Really?

I just peeked out the window and it's SNOWING! Huge, fluffy, deer coating flakes. Something about this just feels wrong this morning. Better get the coffee brewing!

Karyn Purvis: Insights and Gifts ....

Over at A Bushel and A Peck, One Thankful Mom is the second person to bring up the Insights and Gifts video series by Karyn Purvis this week.....I think it's time for me to check it out - it seems to just keep popping up! Has anyone else seen it them...I think they are just up my alley since they are only a few minutes each.

Who Want's to Be My Partner at Summit VI?

One of the needs at Summit VI next week in Minneapolis is for volunteers. I am spending some of my time helping out with registration and other chunks representing specific ministries/organizations during the networking and connecting times. Is anyone interested in being my partner at either the Hope Chest or i empathize (except it will be on orphans) tables on Friday? It's about an hour each time between sessions and I promise to bring snacks to share!

There are also time slots that need filling on Thursday - I can get you connected whenever you have spare time to invest - serving, sharing and connecting for the sake of the worlds children.

Sleep Issues....

It's early morning here, the birds are singing and the coffee is hot - so far no kids have surfaced and the early risers are the easy ones to manage so its a good time to recover and regroup.


Nights are often hard, we have regular sleep disorders and night terrors, long hours of sleeplessness and random sleep-screaming (like talking in your sleep except that you shout randomly.) I have learned the right balance of caffeine and protein to keep myself upright and moving forward so I almost don't notice the disrupted sleep until we hit a really bad stretch. We use some medication and as much good sleep patterning as we can - but the truth is that we have kids with mental health issues and that often means poor sleep for everyone involved. Not to say that all sleep issues are related to mental health but at our house they seem to be a secondary reality.


It's hard. The kids that need the sleep the most can't get it and as I go to them in the middle of the night and talk them through the fact that their nose is not bleeding or that there are no bugs in the bed and no scary things around the corner I wonder how they will deal with these things in the future. I pray and hug them, and am starting to realize that this time is the gift, the easy season in their lives when they can scream at night and mommy will come running. Of course this might just be a normal phase like other kids, but from what I read this is their reality and it wont particularly change as they grow up.

Post Placement Support in Adoption - An Aching Need....

Jason over at the Abba Fund Blog wrote on post placement support as the greatest need he sees in adoption today. It's a great statement that I agree 100% with - you can follow the link to read what he had to say.

I think that the adoption process is very similar to a wedding - it is easy to get caught up in the fun of it, the planning, and the dreaming and not realize that the rest of your life (hopefully) will be about building and maturing your relationship. It's Wedding vs Marriage - Adoption vs Building a Cohesive Family and in America there is very little support for what happens after an adoption takes place. Everyone just thinks "Happily ever after..." which isn't always true.

All I Had to Do Was Post on It....

So the joke is on me. After two weeks of fussing and trying to find generic soy formula at my usual haunts I walked into Target tonight and found them fully stocked again. I am sure it had nothing to do with my whining earlier - but the timing was pretty funny

Have You Visited" Kisses From Katie?"

There are only a few blogs that I am able to regularly keep up on - Kisses From Katie is one of them. This link is to a post that I love - one that tells the story of a college age girl who chose to follow a different path then anyone expected and ended up the single mom to a wonderful number of kids in Uganda. It shows her heart, her love and the reality of what she has been called to do with her life.

Similac or Enfamil Soy coupons?

Something happened over the past few weeks here in Colorado...Costco and Target both stopped stocking generic soy based formula. For the first time in many children I had to buy name brand Similac at almost twice the price! Choke! I'm not sure if there was recall I missed or if they are transitioning out of the soy market but for now Isaac is on the fancy stuff.

I am going to head over to WalMart later tonight to check their shelves - otherwise I am not too proud to ask anyone who might have unused soy formula coupons for either Similac or Enfamil if they are wiling to share. Unlike being pregnant - adopting a baby doesn't get us onto those cool lists where they randomly send you coupons or samples in the mail.

Correction! As you commenter's so clearly reminded me....it's been years since I last had a baby on brand name formula and you can sign up ON LINE now for coupons. Duh....it show how long it's been since I had a baby on name brand formula..like 10 years!

Two For One Coupon Link at Dunn Brothers Coffee...

Iced coffee time! Here is a link to a buy-one-get-one-free iced or blended drink coupon at Dunn Brothers. Watch the date, the coupon expires 4/25/10......Of course the closest one to me is 524 miles away - but my Midwest friends can enjoy one for me!

Cotterell's Cuties: Photos From The Walk....

Here is my mom and her team at the CURE event in Spokane WA this weekend

My dad would have loved the irony of this particular Cutie......(and taken a similar photo for sure!)

Mom and Hildie - a friend of our family since early grade school.

Together the team helped raise over $1400 for breast cancer research and it looks like they had a great time.

James Update: All Seems Well....

They released Jimmy from the PICU before dinner today and sent us home with strict instructions to bring him back ASAP if any of the symptoms of increased pressure resurfaced. It was good to meet the PICU staff and the Neurosurgeon over the past 24 hours and I now have a reasonable handle on how the Children's Hospital is laid out. Which is an important piece of moving for a medically more complex family like ours.

Two Minute Update: Jim's in the PICU...

Sunday afternoon James fell while playing with his brothers on the stairs. The outcome is a fractured skull, blood behind his eardrum and fluid on the back of his head where he hit. He's happy (on pain meds) and as soon as he can go 20 hours without throwing up he can leave the PICU. Prayer appreciated as well as peace in the home while mom is at the hospital...nothing like a Monday list of tasks and mom not being home.

Time to Revisit Urban Servant.....

Looking out my front window the closest neighbor is at least a football field away and the 'watch for deer' signs are serious as we see them most mornings wandering through our community. I think it's time to rename the blog and would love to find a name that fit's us as well as Urban Servant did in the last season of our life.

Ideas?

How about "Because I say so!" or "Judge us by our fruit..." or "Always room for one more" or what? I'm not a ditherer but this one seems to have me stumped.

Followup to the FASD/Parents Drinking Question....

I find it very interesting that the comments on the blog and private emails responding to my question Saturday about parents of kids with FASD drinking seem to be evenly split between careful moderation and keeping a dry household. Most of the arguments I have thought through in my own mind were proposed on both sides of the discussion and I have landed in the same place I started which is that there is no clear answer. It's still a good question to think about, pray about and talk about but I am not swayed heavily in either direction yet.

If You Give a Mom a Hundred Dollars...

She might find the cordless set on sale.......

Which is good because it's time to retire the one her dads old one he gave her 15 years ago...(especially since it didn't have reverse!)

Which would lead to new Plexiglas to keep the toddlers from falling through the rail...

And a new thermostat because the old was in no way self explanatory and creating tension with her husband...

Which would lead to a set of new smoke detectors and fishing the phone line up through the wall so it wont be duct taped to the ceiling any more (in red tape of course!)

Which is SUCH an improvement that she starts thinking about the running toilet....and next thing you know the Dad is taking said yellow 1972 toilet apart....while the mom heads out for parts...

Which leads to the discussion about the carpet in the bathroom and three hours later there is a new toilet and new linoleum in that room....and one happy mom who used her $100 and learned how to install bathroom floors all in the same weekend.

Should the Parents of Kids With FASD Drink Alcohol?

I know I am poking my stick into the proverbial bees nest here but I am really trying to think this question through. Should Robert and I not drink alcohol based on our (adopted) children being diagnosed with FASD? All other factors aside....

Here is a little background....I was born into a family where consuming alcohol was a socially acceptable behavior, my father was from England, our extended family on this side of the ocean was large, social and often gathered for celebrations and holidays - alcohol was always involved though public drunkenness was rare. My siblings and I have always had (what I consider) a healthy relationship with alcohol in that is isn't a problem if we have it or not - I can enjoy a glass of wine on occasion or go months without any.

Robert's family was a little tougher to see in a healthy way as he had several close relations who were alcoholic. Because of this and his own tendencies at the time, he committed about 10 years of our marriage to being alcohol free. A great decision and one that neither of us has ever regretted. Now he will enjoy a beer or a glass of wine on the odd occasion and is in a much healthier place with his drinking.

So here is where the rub comes in. Our first instinct as parents of kids affected by FASD is to be teetotalers. But there are a significant number of our kids who's brains say "if it is forbidden, if mom and dad don't approve, if they say it is bad for me, or if it is just a little bit naughty....WE MUST HAVE IT!" and they don't have the self control or impulse control to choose things safely.

So.... if we say no to alcohol in our home will it actually become a larger part of the risk taking behavior that we see in the future when we are no longer able to control their access to such things? Or by drinking occasionally in front of them, will we be able to help them see a 'healthy' relationship with alcohol as one that is infrequent, not controlling and has minimal impact on our lives?

I know both sides of the argument. Of course I wouldn't buy street drugs and use them in our home to help the kids develop a healthy sense of how much is too much with pot or cocaine. But alcohol is a legal substance, the value of which our culture pushes on them from a very young age and we can either model a moderate relationship with it in the home or allow them to learn about it once they are out from under our protective eye.

Right now I am swaying toward having the occasional bottle of wine or beer in the house - just because I think that they have a chance of learning moderation if it is modeled carefully and discussed with them. But I am willing to hear logic on this topic and think through any arguments from the no to alcohol side of the discussion as well.

What do you think? and why?
I think it's funny that I am having such a hard time deciding what is the right answer - maybe that's because there are no clear and easy answers with FASD.

High Points of Living in MN.......

Selling the house today closed the psychological door on returning to MN. I have to admit that in the back of my mind I was planning to return if Robert was killed in a freak accident. Not that I was thinking about doing him in - but as long as we owned the house, returning was still an option. Some of my favorite MN stories are floating to the surface today....

Like when the duck tried to take off out of the ditch by NWC, under estimated the van height and flew straight through the open window of our VW van hitting me (thankfully I was in the passengers seat!) in the temple and knocking my sunglasses over into Roberts lap. Almost too strange to believe except for the huge ball of feathers on the road behind us and the bruise on my face.

Or when we were able to be a safe haven for an abused neighbor who jumped our chain link fence at three in the morning and was able to get into our house before her deranged husband was able to kill her. Through God's amazing plan she was able to be on a plane with her kids half way to CA before he was even sober enough to know she left.

Or when Pam's Kellie was born and Amy and Alyssa right there next door - Jim tried the same trick but was thankfully born at the ER. And of course Pam and I cruising in Goldie (my 1986 Pontiac thank you!) tormenting the neighborhood naughty boys late at night by being out when we should have been in bed and catching Mr Green stealing the snow blower in July!

Finding the washer and dryer had to be a highlight. But in a sick way so was finding the sandwich baggie full of white powder (as in 1/4 cup) in the snow on our sidewalk...having the cops laugh at us for turning it in and then get deadly serious when they tested it and it was cocaine. Better yet the guy who lost it came back looking for it?!

And of course the briefcase that our neighbor handed me on his way out of town and asked me to watch for him - which I opened to discover a handgun with a clip in it. Good to know cops you can call at a moments notice to drop by the house and help sort these things out.

And years of remodeling, engaging and loving our community. Proven out by the pain and tears when we left. From newspaper photographers to best friends, Sunday school teachers and doctors to pastors and mailmen MN was a good season in our life and a door that I am slowly letting close.

It is Done: The Minneapolis House Closed Today!

Huge sigh of relief at this end and what perfect timing! We make our first payment on the Colorado house May 1st and made our last one on the Minnesota house April 1st. No overlap, no last minute crisis it just closed this morning and I received a call after the fact - which was almost anti climatic after all the drama that the Colorado house created.

Tonight it's smoothies and homemade hamburgers to celebrate.

Cotterell's Cuties Break $1000 in pledges!

What huge fun - the CURE team (Cotterell's Cuties) that my mom and friend Hildi are on has passed the $1000 mark for fundraising today. There is still time to sponsor their walk/run this weekend - I would love to see them be able to represent $2000 toward finding a CURE for breast cancer.

I Was Done Posting on FASD This Week...But Then This.......

I resolved to post no more on FASD this week but then Barb brought this significant article to my attention over at Kari's blogand I felt the need to share it about the rates of FASD in a sampling of children adopted from Eastern Europe. Reality statistics to back up my personal observations.

Sobered By FASD Today.....

It's been a long few weeks of reaching out into the larger adoption community and trying to wrap my brain around how many of the kids myself and friends have adopted are actually damaged by prenatal alcohol exposures. It's staggering, it's terrifying and it's monumentally important that we talk about it together. Because FASD is largely a hidden issue, it's often overlooked or played down in the scope of what can go on in an adoption, though it should be a huge part of the preparations for any adoptive family.

I have been considering how many kids who are on the special needs lists from other countries with identified physical disabilities also have underlying FASD? (It's interesting how many of the identified disabilities are also identified on the list of FASD effects.) How about here in the US? (Some states say as many as 60+% of the kids in their foster care have a FASD suspicion.) I have been thinking about the most common situation with our own birthmoms who said that they had gotten pregnant while drunk at a party - what are the chances that they immediately gave up drinking just 'in case' they were pregnant? Unfortunately, a lot of damage can be done to a child's brain in that first 30 days before a woman knows she is expecting and a there is no changing it once it's happened. Which makes me sigh and take it a little further.

I am staggered by thinking about this right now and though talking about it is the right answer, it's hard to grasp how many adopted children might have alcohol damage in their history. There is a reason that children are placed (or removed) for adoption - how many times across the world do those reasons include drugs and alcohol?

To take it one step further, how do we as a 40-something generation start understanding (I mean really understanding) the cost that that drinking has caused? It's a tough one, those Surgeon Generals warnings that say "Drinking Alcohol while pregnant may cause birth defects" hasn't really hit home with us yet. I wish we could rewrite those labels to say "Drinking alcohol while pregnant can severely and irreparable damage your unborn child's brain." Which sounds very different doesn't it?

New FASD Resources..........

Here is a great new site I found today. Healthy Brains for Children is based out of Brainerd MN and somehow I totally missed knowing about them when I lived in Minneapolis. I am really fascinated with the probability tool and would love to have an active copy to work with. The longer I am parenting kids with FASD the more I am convinced that our society would have so many less 'societal problems' if we could just stop drinking for those 10 months we are pregnant.

As much as I don't want to read it I will be ordering a copy of "Fatal Link" by Jody Allen Crow. In it he identifies that 80% of the high school 'shooters' he evaluated fit the profile of having been exposed to alcohol before birth. Sobering hu? Exhausting for sure.

Centrailzed Immunization Records: Messing With The System...

In MN we discovered that all of the immunizations our children were given were automatically entered into a central database which is accessible by almost any professional - dentist, school district, social worker etc.... Here on the blog we have gone over the fact that we are not an anti-immunization family, but we have decided when and which ones to give each child based on their unique situation and that makes us look on paper as if we are neglecting this particular area of our children's lives. In reality we are not, and our pediatricians and social workers have always supported our decisions to wait, weigh and evaluate each step in our children's medical management - including immunizations.

In moving to Colorado we found that they have the same sort of registry and on our first visit we chose to opt out on reporting. It should have been easy - there was a big poster in the waiting room saying that they participated in the system and parents should notify their caregiver if they didn't want their child's data on the state system. Though it clearly was an option I don't think many other people have made this choice - the clinic didn't know where the form was or what to do with it. It really messed them up and I felt bad for the chaos that ensued. But not bad enough to participate in a system that gives people who don't know us the ability to evaluate our immunization decisions and leap to conclusions of neglect.

Sounds over precautionary? After having the issues we faced with our MN school district over the medically reasonable decisions we chose for some of our homeschooled kids I don't think so. I will happily provide necessary educational information - but when did schools become a medical watchdog? Maybe about the time they included most of the OT/PT/Speech and Nutrition services in the school day - not that it is a bad option to put it under the education umbrella - but once you step aside from the district you realize how closely these things have become interwoven. But that is another post - bet you can't wait. :)

Happy Birthday Leah.....

Yesterday was Leah's 12th birthday and in the chaos of life right now she stepped up and made herself a doll cake with what she could find near the surface of the kitchen bins (thanks again Tara!)

We actually celebrated Sunday with the little family party and her favorite pot stickers and rice. She blessed me hugely by managing breakfast and making a huge pot of slow cook oats before church.

Monday was her 'real' birthday and the first day of school in the new house. We really needed the order and structure back into our days. Too much play makes for crabby children and an even crabbier mommy! Even Joe was ready to sit down and do something. The six oldest don't look thrilled here but it was actually a good day at the school table. Math, Bible, Colorado History, Movement and Reading/Writing were covered for most of them. No tears on my part - or theirs so we count it a success.

Clarification on My Post: Adults With FASD.....

One of my cyber friends pointed out that many people exhibit the symptoms and behaviors we associate with FASD without their mothers having consumed any alcohol during their pregnancy and that we need to be careful not to stereotype. She is absolutely correct - there are many reasons for people to behave in these ways and we do need to be careful not to lump them into one category.

The point of my post was simply that there are millions of adults in America who have FASD or ARND issues and most are undiagnosed (and therefore misunderstood) because our society doesn't recognize the root of their struggles.

(On a side note: Under the 'If I was writing my Doctoral Thesis this week' category there is an amazing amount of research starting to surface that explains a little better why some women can drink while pregnant without hurting their babies and others can't. It seems that there might be a genetic component to the issue also - that genetically there is something which causes certain children to exhibit some of the behaviors we see with FASD/ARND though they are not exposed to alcohol, but when you add in the alcohol everything is escalated.)

Cotterell's Cuties: Supporting My Mom's Team As They Step Out For A CURE.....

Breast Cancer is very real in my family. I never got to meet the Grandmother who's name I carry - Grandma Dorothy battled cancer and won for a season, but in the end there was no CURE in time for her. The cancer connection has come even closer than my Grandmother - my father lost his battle in 2004 and it invaded my mom's life a year ago this week. Easter Sunday 2009, she found a lump and was immediately thrown into the deep end of living with and battling breast cancer.

Last month she celebrated her final radiation treatment which marked a year of surgery, chemo and and all of the related complications that fighting for your life entails. And April 18th my mom and long-time friend Hildi are part of a team that is walking/running in order to help raise money for research that is needed as we continue to search for the CURE.

My mom would never ask for support in this - it's too close to her own reality at this moment. It isn't abstract, it's real. It's fighting for life and facing the reality of death - knowing that there are no promises of tomorrow. I wish I could be there walking beside her - I am sure it will be both painful and joy filled to be surrounded by people who care about finding a CURE.



Would you consider supporting this particular team in any amount? It is super easy and anything is an encouragement...$5, $25, $100. I would love to see an outpouring of financial support as a tangible means of showing personal support for my mom. Because by grace she is a survivor today. Here is the link to Cotterells Cuties (my mom is Susan) would you be a part of her one year celebration? (P.S. Since my mom met her goal this afternoon how about helping her teamates meet their goals - she would be thrilled!)

(Mom mom holding her 13th grandchild - our Isaac.)

FASD Follow Up to Yesterdays Post...

FASD has surfaced as a main topic in our home this week. We are in the process of locating new specialists here in Colorado and I have had the opportunity to encourage several families that are in the process of adopting alcohol affected children. Barb at Loosing My Mind brought this recent article from the Star Tribune to my attention this morning. You have to read a few 'pages' into it to find the FAS diagnosis and desperate situation these adoptive parents found themselves in - but it is a real life-check to back up the 'hypothetical' one that I wrote about yesterday.

I hate FASD but I love my kids who have to live with it. I love adoption and orphan care but feel that anyone considering bringing alcohol affected kids into their lives should count the costs - because they can be extreme.

Grownups With FASD........

There are a lot of arguments for how many children are born every year with FASD/ARND issues. The problem is that there is no 'test' for newborns to accurately diagnose the damage that alcohol has done to the pre-born child and many problems don't surface until they are way past babyhood when secondary issues arise and are diagnosed as primary - totally skipping the underlying FASD basis. Looking at statistics that range from 1:100 (for FASD/ARND combined) to 30:10,000 for FASD alone, the staggering reality for me is that though we talk about the kids and babies with this damage there have to be well over 2 million adults in the US with brain damage caused by alcohol.

What do I think that looks like?

Of those FASD/ARND adults who are over the age of 25 they probably are undiagnosed. It's only since the 80's that FASD has been diagnosed regularly and then only the most obvious cases. (Trust me - even knowing my kids histories and challenges it's hard to get a clear diagnosis.) What does it mean to be an adult with FASD/ARND? Here are my thoughts...

At 10 you were pegged as ADHD and medicated. Except that the drugs don't work quite right on the FASD brain so you had to be on a lot more than other kids and change often. School was really hard and you were in the special program for kids who don't seem motivated. Except that you were motivated, you just couldn't seem to get it and your memory seemed broken. You took things because you wanted them and other people called it stealing. You were labeled a 'problem.'

At 17, you drop out of school. What's the point? Learning is so hard, your always in trouble, you can't seem to remember things that are so easy for the other kids and there is no way you are headed to college. There is a good chance that you are either pregnant by this age or have gotten someone else pregnant. Lack of impulse control + alcohol + a craving for physical stimulation+a lack of cause/effect logic = babies.

At 20, you can't keep a job because you are not able to follow directions, settle down and pay attention. There isn't much grace for taking things at this age and you are well on your way to trouble with the police and family.

By 40 you probably have had a lot more life experience than your parents would have ever dreamt. You may have found that drugs and alcohol help you cope with the confusing society that expects you to behave one way even if you can't seem to it. No matter how hard you try. Money is a big problem, you are a dreamer which makes you vulnerable to those who want to scam you. You have no ability to budget but by 40 you are supposed to. Failed relationships, trouble with the police, banks, work and family - life looks pretty bleak. You may be homeless or diagnosed with mental illness - the word career is a joke - they know you by name at the food shelf as the really nice guy who can't seem to pull it together.

By 60 the people you went to school with are having grandchildren. You have them too...your alcohol affected teens and twenties produced a new generation of FASD adults and they are in turn are having babies affected by alcohol. That's the problem..when your brain is damaged by alcohol you can't make those 'good decisions' that our culture expects. The damage is passed on down the family line because each set of babies has the same exposures.

By 80 your body is in bad shape. Addictions will do that to you - if you made it this far without any of the physical issues that FAS can cause you probably are not looking at a golden retirement with a pension. Shoot, that time in prison is looking pretty good because you were safe there. Three meals a day, medical care and a clean place to sleep every night. You know that life should be better than this but everything that you have tried hasn't worked...no matter how much you tried things just didn't work for you as you hoped. Like others hoped. Because your brain was damaged before you were born you never had the same set of abilities that others have. But because it was a hidden disability there was no accommodation and you have simply failed by our cultures standards. Behind that failure is a kind person, a sensitive person a fun person, more like a child at 80 then anyone expects.....because you never did 'grow up.'


I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about what it means to grow up and become an adult with FASD/ARND. I have pondered the people I have known who have had trouble in life and wondered how many have been living with the damage of pre-natal alcohol exposures and never had a clue.

As the mom to kids with FASD/ARND I am working hard to figure out how we can change the pattern of their lives. Instead of throwing them out into the word with undiagnosed brain damage I am trying to find new ways of looking at life and determining success that I can teach them. No matter how much I want their lives to be different, their brains were damaged before their first cry and our job is to love and equip them best.

Quote of the Day From The FAS Resource Center...

FAS Community Resource Center: "''We stand close, and sometimes we get hit in the face by the FASD, because we are standing SO close.' ' - Adoptive parent of a child with an FASD"

This quote is beyond true in my case - though I think the parent quoted wasn't talking about actually getting hit in the face I can testify (with Patty as my witness- because she saw it happen last summer) that living with FASD is like, and can also mean literally, getting hit in the face. Zero impulse control + mom sitting on the ground+ child with FASD picking up a softball = a quick trip to the ENT because yes, mom's nose was broken.

Appliance Opinions?

It's nap time and the six youngest are too full of wiggles to settle down and stay out of trouble. The only good solution on days like this is for me to plop down with my laptop and use a little positive reinforcement to remind them to keep their hands off each other and their heads on the pillows. One sleeping so far, five to go.

Over the next year I think every appliance in the kitchen will need to be replaced. Though they are all in excellent shape for their age, the fact that they are original to the house (1972) has them all headed toward doom with the demands of our family. This logic has led me to a surprising thought - I am 42 years old and have only once actually gone out and researched/bought an appliance which was our dishwasher 7 years ago. Missy and Jeff bought the appliances for our Minneapolis house before we moved in and every other one has either been donated to us, found in the alley or bought off of Craigslist for almost nothing.

Here is what we have now.....

I have the opportunity to think about where I would like to head in case I do drive past them in an alley or find them on Craigslist. I would hate to miss them because I don't recognize what will work best!

In case you have any ideas this is the basic outline of what I am thinking:

1. I will need to replace the cook top, hood, double wall ovens and dishwasher and in my dream world the flesh colored counter tops would go also.

2. The kitchen is electric at this point but the gas meter is not far away so I could convert fairly easily - changing over to gas stove/ovens is an option.

3.We are abusive to our kitchen - between homeschooling and life as a family of 13 I don't want to have to be too careful of my workspace.

4. We are not up to a major kitchen remodel at this point - no moving walls or adding islands just a basic updating plan using the existing cabinets and flooring.

5. Colors: We have the classic 70's dark walnut all through the house and will be sticking with it for the foreseeable future. What color appliances go with it? Is stainless on the way out - and what is headed in? The brick wall has a major influence on the kitchen space and the floor is a pleasant mix of tans.

6. While we are at it I need to choose a color scheme for painting. 90% of the house is bright white...quickly moving toward grey since we moved in. I think painting will be on this summers to do list.

Any opinions out there? Ideas?

Five sleeping now - only this last one awake and still peering over his bed so it's time to go tackle another box or 10.

Refusing to Post on Snow Today.........

Yesterday a box full of homeschool supplies and materials arrived from friends at The Family Book Spot it was truly a great gift - especially the Artistic Pursuits 2 materials for Leah.

One interesting thing about Autism is how it plays out in each child. Jerry LOVES anything repetitive that vibrates. I've found him plastered to the front of the new washer/dryer almost anytime they have been running since we installed them on Monday.

And yes - it is snowing in Colorado Springs............

Why I Don't Sell Our Extra Things......And What is Extra Anyway?

Some people seem confused that we seem to be passing things of value along to friends and strangers that could be sold to take off a little of the financial pressure in our home. Don't we still owe money on that last adoption? Aren't the kids in need of new shoes? Isn't it irresponsible for us to not sell them?

Each of those questions has some validity - we could spend a lot more money on our family of 13 than we do but truth is that we could also spend a lot less. In our lives we have been tremendously blessed by the generosity of those close to us and others who we will never meet. Adoption after adoption paid for, bill after bill covered, a new-used car shows up in the nick of time to replace the dead VW and bag after bag of children's clothing has blessed us and kept our bodies warm.

Because we have experienced this we choose to encourage and love others in the same way that we have been loved - freely and beyond what is expected.

p.s. And what is 'extra?' It's anything we are not going to use specifically in the next 12 months - sparing the family heirlooms of course!

And The Bread Pans Now Belong To......

So many people expressed an interest in the bread pans that I couldn't begin to choose so I defaulted to the 'have a toddler circle a name' option. Here is Joe in action (homeschool begins early here 6:30am and at the tender age of 3.) His pen landed on Jan M my long-time friend from MN....keep your eyes open M's for a box from the Colorado. It's too bad I can't send the bulbs along as well, I think the mercury disqualifies them for the USP. Daniel and Mike -I did appreciate the ideas for modifying them to fit the ovens, but in the end I wanted to preserve what I think is the really cool part of them - baking all 4 loaves perfectly at once.

Update on Julies Isaac....

Wonderful news from my friend Julie who's son Isaac has been in such pain - please keep praying that they would figure out good ways to manage the herpes and determine if this was the trigger for his uncontrolled pain response and need to be hospitalized.

Second Try: Does Anyone Want the Older Washer Set?

Last week I tried sharing out the new front loading washer set - there were not takers so we installed it yesterday. It seems to work great - no leaks and none the worse for wear after it's trip through crime land and six months in police cold storage. I now have the 'other' washer/dryer set in the garage looking for a new home. Any takers here in Colorado? It's a super capacity Kenmore set that seems to work just fine...and needs a new home.

Easter Photos....

Things to Share.....

Unpacking our boxes from MN has been a lot of fun (as well as a tad frustrating due to the illogical methods the movers used.) Figuring out how our old life and our new life mesh together is just the sort of puzzle my brain likes and I don't have too hard a time changing to new systems and organizational philosophy's. What that means is that some things have to go and others take their place. Two fun things in the share-out pile are my commercial bread pans and a case of mixed florescent light bulbs.

The bread pan is my all time favorite - I can bake 4 - 2lb loaves with it at a time and it fits in a standard oven. Unfortunately it does not fit into either of my wall ovens ....so it needs a new home. It's used (lets call it seasoned) and has lots of life left in it. Any bread bakers longing for such a thing? I would love to share it.

The bulbs are a little harder to explain. For the past few years we have been making the big switch over to the compact florescent so this is a box of every shape and size - mostly brand new. Why are we getting rid of them? Just before we moved we had a rash of light bulb breaking incidents and looked into just how dangerous these bulbs are. The sites endorsing CFB bulbs go on about how safe they are, how efficient, how 'green' etc...and then as an aside they mention the mercury that is in them, how to deal with a bulb breaking (air the room for 15 minutes, throw away any bedding that has come into contact with the broken bulb etc...) and all of a sudden they don't look so safe. With kids on the Autism spectrum we are careful to avoid anything that is going to expose them unnecessarily to heavy metals which would include mercury. With our tendency to break bulbs we are choosing not to use them are are instead passing these along to someone else. Any takers?

Living with Autism: The Day After .....

Yesterday was National Autism Awareness Day. Out in the blog world many of my friends wrote on the topic ( See what Noel and Erin shared) and I am hugely encouraged this morning as I have carved 30 minutes out of our Saturday morning to sit down and read what was on their minds.

Two of our sons have diagnosis that fall onto the Autism Spectrum. In the 10 years that Autism has been a part of our intimate daily life I have slowly begun to accept the reality that there are things we can not change and learned how to work with the situations we encounter. I'm not talking about our kids here (though the same is true of them) - it's the people who interact with us that make life exponentially more challenging and who I have to love wherever they are at. The doctors who are all doom and despair, the concerned friends who refuse to accept that there is something different about these kids and think we are overreacting, those who openly criticise our parenting methods as either too controlling or not controlling enough and the strangers in public who judge our situation on a moments observation.

By far the hardest thing to deal with were the three times I was directly confronted by friends at church who felt the need to tell me how to parent these different children. Three moments - probably less than 5 minutes total in my parenting career - and each one etched in my heart forever. It's strange to me how that they are still there - I am in no way a grudge holder and have a personality that doesn't keep laundry lists of wrongs. But those three moments are there - long forgiven but still fresh as a reminder of the pain that judgement spoken without knowledge can bring.

"Your being too hard on him...." (as the distraught child was gnawing a hole in my hand that was clamped over his mouth to stop him from biting any other part.) "Your being too controlling..." (As I placed limits on the things he was obsessing on.) "You shouldn't let him do that......" (As we worked for the 100th time on the same dangerous/compulsive behavior.) Carless judgemental words that cut into my heart when it was most vulnerable and left their impressions forever.

Each time I actually considered leaving our church - the family we loved- because the pain cut so deep and so close to the core of what we were dealing with. Not many people knew what we were facing five years ago, there were few blogs, and with the hidden nature of both autism and FASD there were no external hints that there might be more involved than just parenting methods or adoption issues. This is one of the reasons I started writing about living, loving and parenting kids with hidden disabilities. So often we find ourselves standing alone in a vacuum, wondering what we could do better, trusting that the God who created the universe also created our families - and telling ourselves over and over again that He doesn't make mistakes but that people often do.

It's the day after Autism Awareness Day, and those of us affected by it continue on. Thankful for every small or large improvement in our child's lives , grieving but hopeful with every setback and one day at a time walking though life reaching out to each other and to our Father who-s Word is always perfect.

Was Your House Built Before 1978 - New Legislation Goes Into Effect This Month........

Don't you hate it when new legislation sneaks up on us unaware? April 22, 2010 a new Lead Paint Law goes into effect that will seriously complicate updates and remodeling done to homes that were built before 1978. Here is a link to check out what it might mean to you - it looks like a mess to me and I think will really hurt lower income homeowners.

Because You Asked...Random Photos.

All the kids have been busy wearing latex gloves and cleaning up the deer poop in the yard...

Isaac has gotten big enough to sit propped up on the couch.

I have had lots of fun adding my daycare finds to our regular furniture. This is the three little boys room.

Every coat and boot now has a place. LOVE those cubbies!

And yesterday I fell off the anti sugar wagon. Too bad the Russell Stovers store is between our house and COSTCO. I might have to start driving another route! (Though seriously, the low sugar diet we have been on for the last 8 weeks has been really successful.)

The goodnews is that a few rooms are getting organized. This is the family room off the kitchen. I had the fireplaces cleaned yesterday so now we have a nice gas fire here if we get another snowy day. Any votes for how long these carpets are going to last?