Proverbs 22:6 (ESV)
"Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it."
As I was driving to various appointments yesterday I ended up pondering this verse and trying to wrap my mind around what it means and how it has been applied within the church, the family and the larger community. My basic understanding (remember I'm a sleep deprived mom NOT claiming to be a theologian) is that if we lay a strong foundation of example, teaching and training when our kids are in our home then they should turn out to be reasonably solid citizens in the end, keeping to the basic ideals of the Christian faith and behaving in a way that demonstrates the way they were raised. Full stop in my thinking. Uh oh....am I really saying that through my diligent use of Biblical principles and ideals I can 'win' at the task of child raising? Check my heart here....how do I think about families who have raised 'wayward' children? Do I judge the parents and assume that they made mistakes or overlooked serious sin issues in their kids lives because they were....bad parents? Hummmmmm...I think I am guilty here. No, I know I am.
Which took me down the path of thinking about sin. We all sin - I have no problem accepting that. But we like to categorize. We say that being addicted to drugs is so much worse than hardening our hearts and judging the addict, we put the prostitute's sin higher than our own hidden thoughts and no longer value the life of the childmolester though we claim to value the life of the unborn child. But it isn't so. It's all under the same category of doing what we know we shouldn't and then not doing what we know we should - regardless of 'degree' of deviation from the standard we have set.
Thinking that through I realized again the my understanding and application of Proverbs 6:22 might be causing a serious conflict. Chances are (as in statistical analysis of FASD adults) that many of my kids are not going to 'turn out' the way I would hope regardless of how I parent them. Because of their brain damage they are likely to steal, become addicted to drugs and alcohol, spend time incarcerated, physically harm other people, become single parents of children who also have been exposed to alcohol, demonstrate an inability to parent those same kids, and live a life of chronic strife outside of the mainstream middle class. As much as I wish it wasn't so, this to a lesser or larger degree is the outcome of prenatal alcohol exposure - regardless of what I teach them about behavior and social expectations they are likely to not 'fit' into my behavior based understanding of Proverbs 22:6.
Unless....unless my goal in applying Proverbs 22:6 is not to ensure right outward behaviors but to train them up in the knowledge and understanding of the Lord. To know that there is a God, that he is almighty, all controlling and all forgiving. To pour into their hearts the knowledge that there is forgiveness for all sin through Christ and that they - regardless of how far they deviate from the norms of our society, how 'bad' other consider them, and how worthless they think themselves based on the opinion of others, are precious in His sight and therefore in mine.
Which makes parenting under this verse a very different thing doesn't it? It applies not only to people who believe the Bible, but those who accept the basic premise that we should be able to form our children's lives by what we teach when they are small. Which I think is most of American society and sets parents (and kids) up for some terrible blows when the behavioral outcome isn't what we think it should be. Isn't what we taught them. Isn't what we wished, hoped and worked for in their lives.
So in the end I am probably just thinking through something that scholars have considered for years. But as my own mind has to wrap around and realize my own set ideas about parenting I am amazed to see how much of the success I value in those around me is based not on their hearts but on their outward behaviors - which I think is wrong.
6 comments:
Thank you Dorothy. This is very powerful, and I needed to hear it.
AMEN!
I'm linking to this. :-)
~Kari
I had two very godly parents who raised three children in the "way they should go." All three were birth children, same genes, same environment, very attached, and not a hint of FASD.
However, I am the only one who has not departed from that way when I was old. My brothers are both in their 40s and have been far from God since high school.
My parents reconciled this in their minds after years of self-blame, regret and questioning by recognizing that Proverbs are wise sayings, not promises.
So for parents to think when kids are adults -- if a child departs from the way they were raised, then I as a parent must have made a mistake -- they are not being fair to themselves.
Even typical kids without challenges have a free will and can make their own choices, regardless of what their parents think.
And so when my husband and I began to watch our children, who do have FASD and RAD issues, make poor choices, I had already freed myself from this verse, thanks to my parents struggle.
Wow, that got wordy. I hope it makes sense.
Thank you for the honest transcript of your thinking process. I can definitely relate and will mull these thoughts over with my own current ponderings.
I am training up my children in the only way they can go - Jesus is the way. And if God's words promise that when he is old, he will not depart from it, then I believe that even when we cannot see it, or know it, that even the most wayward, delinquent, deviant, broken, destructive "child" will return to Jesus even in the very last nanosecond of life. And truly, the eternal far outweighs the termporal struggles. If we have trained them in that way, then we can have comfort in the promise that he will recall it, and return to it. We CANNOT control the outcome; we cannot make our children turn out "good" although many people will blame the parents for children who do not, we can only do what we are supposed to do - point the way. Put them on the train to Jesus. 100 years from now, that is what will matter. Blessings, Nancy
Love your comments, Dorothy. One of the things that I keep in mind with that verse is that it is a proverb - an inspired proverb, but a proverb nonetheless. I'm not sure that it was ever intended as a promise. But keep on keeping on. While you can't control the outcome, you can invest an understanding of a great God into your children's lives which will always be good for them. Love you!
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