For the record....

Just for the record....those nice child proof caps from Target RX are no deterrent to my 3.5 year old Lily. It took her under a minute to get John's poison ivy steroids open and feed them to Joe. Thankfully she was so proud of herself she came to show me her accomplishment right away. No harm done....but time to move everything up another level and put all the RX's into a locked box. No self control and really no understanding of the danger around her seems to be her reality so far. Praying that we can learn from these minor incidents and avoid larger problems as she grows.

Another week has flown past....life updates.

For those of you who like such things -these are some of the decorating pieces that I have pulled together for our new bedroom. A chocolaty brown, gold and soft green/blue seem to be the pallet I'm headed into with these thrift store finds from last weekend. I especially like the tasseled paisley winter comforter. Best news is that I am watching sheets, blankets and a summer weight comforter at Target that match and should be marked down soon.

The lighting of summer evenings is particularly soothing and restful right now - regardless of the sounds of neighbors fighting, the heat or the long day that comes before.

Lydia is really enjoying new art materials that I broke down and bought her. She loves anything crafty.

Jerry is learning to eat with a spoon - and already knows how to pose for the camera.

Our two year hunt for the state quarters ended Friday with the donation of Hawaii from one of daddy's work friends.

Opportunity for other voices to be heard here at Urbanservant.....

I am amazed at the incredible lives of faith that UrbanServant readers are living all over the world. Some are wild and crazy, some exotic and others follow the the simple patterns of a life well lived. This is an open invitation to anyone who would like to write a post (or a series) that would encourage the rest of us to keep up the good fight and not grow weary of doing good. Shoot me an email and we can set up the details - I hope you are willing to share the beauty I see in your lives and I believe that everyone has a special life message to tell.

Shalom~

Following the life of a teen (and his mom) with AS....

Regular readers will have met E already - today she wrote a post on looking toward the future with her late teen son M after an extended spell at a private school/facility on the West Coast. Aspergers is not a joke or an excuse for strange kids ...it's a real, life changing diagnosis that rocks a family to its core. I love you E and encourage anyone trying to understand hidden disabilities a little better to go read what she has shared today as well as other posts under 'update from the Wolf den.'

Christmas Shopping in June....

Shhhh...Christian Book Distributers has had their edgy teen hoodies and patriotic ones on sale recently - reduced to $3.99 each! The Narnia T's are also on sale for $2.99. Just in case there are any totally cheap pre-shoppers out there.

ILS Update.....progress?!

I'm not quite sure how to write this so I will go back a few months and start at the beginning of this life season. In March I discovered that our parenting and teaching techniques were no longer working with our 8 year old son Josh. We had been making slow but measurable progress academically covering about 3 months of academic material over the course of a school year. It was just all that he could do. Socially he was becoming more and more oppositional and checking out mentally whenever he thought something was not going his way or that he was in trouble. Over the past few months we have tried various ADHD medications to see if we would take the edge off and found that they caused side effects that we were not worth it. A few months back I had the opportunity to attended a training for the ILS Focus system and what I learned there really struck home.

We have been using the home-based therapy for three weeks and are on session #15. Today marks day 4 of 'changed behavior' - no oppositional hours, no extreme responses and very little 'checking out.' Last week he made amazing progress academically. In two days he completed the last 20 lessons of the K reading program he has been plodding through and the last 20 lessons of Abeka math K.

This was amazing because we have been struggling to cover one or two lessons a week before this (as in the last two years) and he voluntarily and happily cruised through these 40. I was so excited we tossed everyone into the van and brought home as many McDonalds cheeseburgers as we could eat and a huge number of fries - on a non-payday week that is not normal behavior at all. A good indicator that this was a real party!

So what does it mean....I don't know for sure. But three months ago I know we were at a stalemate. I started watching the school buses and thinking that sending him to school would make so much of this someone elses problem, or at least not a constant battle for me. I know it's not true...the problems would overflow and compound if he were out in the inner city public school system but the temptation to escape the responsibility was there. True or not it was a thought.

Something has changed. He is more alert, more engaged emotionally, more able to focus, more able to learn (because of the other three things.) I have also taken him off all his Asthma meds (and he is doing fine - Julie loaned me an oximeter so I can check his saturation's.) I am excited to see where we are heading with this, and feel ready to press on with the therapy through the summer.

Monday morning escapism...how about a pool party?

(GQ Jerry pose for Anna)

Mondays are not our favorite day of the week. There are always chores that have been delayed, piles to be sorted and that need to shift from a laid back Sunday into real life. Because of this I am the first one to delay Monday - making it a play day and pay the piper on Tuesday. This morning was a prime example.....our friends Julie and Mark invited us over for a play date and pool party - I jumped at the chance and had the kids loaded and ready by 9:00am. Not bad for a slow start day. :) Julie blogs over at Not Just an Ordinary Life and I love reading what she has to say about parenting her 10 kids and living an exposed life with many high need kids in her home. This is a few of the photos I took today as our 18 kids, three parents and several nurse/PCA's spent the first 90+degree day here in MN pool side. I love friends who are not intimidated by our kids - it's such a blessing!

Maisy - their newest blessing signing her desires in the wading pool.

Josh - third good day in a row....thank you God!

Yeah..Maisy again with her forever daddy Mark.

Faith and Leah taking Lily and Elijah for a little spin.

What is more fun than a dad on the trampoline?

Pool watchers..waiting for the adults to say yes.

A sure sign of a good day. Noel crashed out on the front porch and the others in their beds.

What Kind of Mom......

What kind of mom....
freaks out when the nursery workers allow her child to 'escape'
or looses her cool when sick children are allowed in and fragile ones exposed.

What kind of mom....
locks herself in the ice cold pantry because she wants
to shake this child she fought so hard to adopt - the one who has become the 'enemy.'

What kind of mom....
stomps her foot so hard at a toddler that she is thinking about fractures and wonders if it's worth it for the half day of respite a visit to the emergency room would bring.

What kind of mom....
loses the desire to hug the child that screams, and fights, and day after day pushes her away.

What kind of mom....
Aches for the sameness and calmness and peace filled reality of life 'before' this child.

That's God's chosen mom.

Those called to the special task of parenting children who can be unloving, unable, unwilling and unbending.

A select group of women called into the exhausting task of pouring grace after grace onto wounded hearts and bodies -only to have it thrown back into our faces.

An exhausted team that have prayed the endless hours of the night with children God placed into their unprepared arms - trusting that His ways are best.

Women with wounds and scars.
Cracked pitchers that loose half the Living Water to our own weakness before we can raise it to pour it over the thirsty around us.

What type of mom....
Truly asks to be a part of the weeping, misjudged and bedraggled army that God has raised up to care for His special children.

What type of mom...
Picks up this cross daily and follows the One True Leader because the voices around us clamor that we can't do this hard thing we are called into.

What type of mom am I today?
The one who embraces the suffering or the one who chafes under it and wants another way.

Day by day I have to ask..
What type of mom today?

(Note: This post is a sampling of my own and other mom's realities and issues that we have sorted through together. Please pray over the large number of adoptive and biological mom's who are suffering under the burdens of parenting kids with challenges. The 'hidden' aspect of this walk is painful.....evidenced by the large number of emails I have had supporting the message of this post - and their consistent asking to not be identified and not wishing to post open comments. I love you all and thank God we are on this journey together!)

Labeling my children... and doing it intentionally..

As human beings we carry labels. Some describe our relationships - mother, daughter, sister, friend. Others explain our work life - doctor, mailman, roofer or student. No one seems to have a problem talking about these general identifiers but as we start talking about race, gender and socio-economic identifiers something shifts and we get a little uneasy.

Some people become even more uncomfortable when we add in clarifying words like autistic, brain damaged, FASD affected, or learning impaired. To the point that there is a vocal argument for not 'labeling' our children who have challenges and for not making their disabilities known except to those who are very close to us.

It sounds great, but the reality of human nature is that my children will always be labeled by the people they interact with and I would rather those labels be based in truth rather than social condemnation. Not that knowing my child's specific disability will help others to deal them, but it might start the ball rolling toward a different type of relationship in our society - one that isn't all about immediately evaluating and judging another individual to see how they 'measure up' to a norm that some people can never achieve.

I wish my kids didn't have hidden disabilities, but they do. I wish that they could 'pass' through regular society without the pain of labels being applied to them that identify them as 'less' or 'not as good.'

These are some of the labels my children have been given by people who havent known the facts ...lazy, over emotional, undisciplined, fat, disrespectful, disruptive, angry, defiant, unable, unwilling, and troublesome.

The labels I have to describe those same behaviors are these. Autistic, brain damaged, Oppositional Defiant, Learning Delayed, scared, confused, immature, pre-diabetic, FASD related, and ADHD. Which is the more helpful list? Which lends any sort of dignity to my kids?

The kicker to me is that many otherwise intelligent people will argue that using specific labels like these encourage a child to stop trying and are simply excuses for bad behavior. So stupid, lazy and undisciplined are a better choice? Really? How does teaching a child to understand what the particular challenges are that they will face do more damage than all of the negative stereotypes our society will place on them?

We are open with our kids about their disabilities and honest with the people who's lives are intertwined with ours. We do this because we want our kids to be judged according to their own 'best' not anyone elses and part of that is knowing what their challenges are.

Another good link for FASD.......digging deeper into reality.

As I sit and supervise my Lily's naps (or not naps) I get plenty of time to search the Internet for resources that will help encourage and educate us about our children's challenges. Today I read through a post on the FASD Family Preservation blog and found that it was good to think through. Mostly it applied to working within the system for services, education, advocacy and rights issues that our family is not dealing with right now, but that our kids will very likely need as adults. One interesting note I made was the argument for a childhood diagnosis because it is easier to make than an adult diagnosis. Sort of an ace in the hole (in case) they need it later in life and are unable to function within normal parameters. Sounds bad, but reality is that only time will show how well they will fit into out American life.

ILS Getting a Workout ...........

Our homeschool priorities for June/July are getting a jump on Math, completing the libraries summer reading program and working 4 people through the first 30 sessions of the ILS programs. We are on track so far and it feels good. :)

Leah, Josh, Jesse and Shannon (our friend who is about to leave us for grad school) are all doing 3-5 sessions per week on the ILS system. There are 5 basic protocols within our Focus system and we are testing out 4 of them....our own little sampling. :)

Shannon likes to clean while she listens....think I have any hesitation on letting her use the system at my house? NOPE! Come on over..there are plenty of rooms yet to go!

Here is the record keeping wall..library reading hours sheets, ILS records and Jerry's sleep log. The picture is from the Picturing America Program and it's Paul Revere's Ride - we are listening to Johnny Tremaine every time we are in the van.

Jesse laughs when the bone conductor is turned up on the ILS. He says it 'tickles' his throat - pretty interesting since I can hardly tell it is on when I touch it with my hands.

I know I am Filled to be Emptied Again....

This morning in church we sang Desert Song by Brook Fraser - the last line starts "I know I'm filled to be emptied again.." I have been chewing on it all day. All these mornings (afternoons or evenings) that I am resenting living at the absolute bottom of my reserves - I should instead be praising God that through Him I have done my job and poured out (on all around me) every bit of the energy, grace and love that He filled me with. If I am a pitcher filled with Living Water why would I be whining that He poured me out - because I want to keep it all to myself? That sounds like stagnant waters doesn't it?

Because I am untrusting, and fearful. Because I forget that God is God regardless of what I think He is or isn't able to do.....it isn't about me. Really - it's about Him who is faithful.

Happy 13th Birthday John!

It's official - John is a teenager. The very best kind in my thinking. He is a young man in his stretching body and need for shoes the same size as mine, but at the same time he still loves legos, playing chase games and cuddling with his younger siblings. Happy birthday John - you are a treasure to all of us!

His passion is for science ....this summer he is voluntarily working through a Marine Biology course and for his birthday he was happy to receive a fishing pole, flashlight and binoculars. All useful at camp next week.

Too big for daddy to pick up and throw around...now it's mom's job and it involves sparing gear and weapons.

A more positive photo update from the past week....

I mess of pain killers, some caffein and 24 hours has dulled my baseball induced pains and given me a much better attitude. Here are some happy photos to make up for the last post.....

1. While the big kids (Lydia on up) played softball on Thursday night, I supervised the four youngest on the playground. (Jerry/Noel/Joe and a friend in this photo.)

2. I came across one of my favorite sights this morning. Piles of sleepy kids soaking up the pre-breakfast sun and reading together. (John/Jesse/Josh)

3. Progress is being made on the bedroom/bathroom project. Weldon has had several other projects that were more time-sensitive than ours so he has been splitting his time between them and us. Rather than being annoyed by the slow forward progress I am sort of enjoying stretching this out....it's nice to have him at our place unpredictably for now. It keeps the neighbors (or their guests) who might be thinking about breaking into our house a little off balance. I'm all for that! Anyone have ideas for window treatments for the short window in this photo? There are two of them side by side and they are about a foot off the floor....I will need to do something there as they look straight into the neighbors back yard.

4. The Toto toilets are great for not plugging, but the two little boys have a new game that is driving me ape and testing their true capacity. Two or three rolls at a time are discovered hidden under the lid - only one plug so far.

5. We have this great shower curtain for the first floor clawfoot - it allows someone to use the toilet without invading the privacy of another in the tub. Of course those two littlest boys love the peek-a-boo effect that it creates and they see a closed curtain as an invitation to sneak under and be social. (Those cute ankles are Joe's)

It's never boring.....5 posts rolled into one because there just isn't any more energy!

After last weeks excitement and illness I was ready to make this a quiet, dig in and recover type of week. The only problem was that because there is so much life around me, it doesn't necessarily slow down when I hope it will. Instead we sped up and kicked into summer mode.



Robert was gone for a few days at a conference and it avalanched after that when I developed a serious whiney attitude that rolled into Wednesday night church in the park which is fun but exhausting. It then became an unplanned trip to the dentist to check out the most amazing teething lumps in Jerry's mouth from his unerupted molars - seriously - Pam and I have seen a lot of kids teeth...but nothing like this! Of course it also means he is waking multiple times an hour at night and then....less of a joy...during the day. (Yes - this did play a part in my attitude issue. :)



Of course, it's been good as well as tiring...John turned 13 today, we got in 3 solid days of school and I installed 4 replacement windows in the second floor under Weldon's supervision. (I did just notice that I left one of the old storm windows up on the roof so I will need to go get that off tomorrow. Darn.)



Today was also the kick off for homeschool softball/t-ball and we got everyone there and ready in good time. The kicker for the week so far had to be at about 8:00pm when one of my kids (who has a nice solid overhand throw) hit me in the face with a hard t-ball from about two feet. Good thing Patty was next to me so I could bury my head in the grass next to her until I had my temper cooled off enough to come up for air and investigate the damage. Nothing broken but sort of a difining physical finale to what has felt like a super long week. I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday! Maybe next week I can pull the plug and catch a little margin.

Follow-up to my last post - FASD reality check....

My last post was intended to share the realization that my kids and other kids who have been damaged by alcohol prenatally have a lifetime of struggles ahead of them. I knew it intellectually, but I had never thought through how it might play out. Looking normal, but not functioning normally (socially or intellectually) isn't well tolerated in our culture. We don't have clear ways to help those outside the norm or even the ability to identify them as other than a problem in our society. This issue isn't isolated to FASD, it encompasses all people who step outside the normal parameters of behaviors and expectations. But for today, I'm thinking specifically about FASD.

We won't know for years how well our kids will fit into the larger population, but as I talk with friends about guardianship's, and birth control, about drivers licences and IEP's I realize that we are walking that hard road together and I am thankful for everyone of you who is on the journey with us.

Reality check: Kids with FASD grow up and become adults....

I have had several encounters with neighbors this spring that have confused and frustrated me. Over and over again I have dealt with adult who lie, steal, destroy property, throw screaming tantrums and they have combined to make city life harder than usual.

Last night I stood on the sidewalk as a neighbor screamed at me for calling animal control on her neglected and constantly barking dog. At some point in her tirade I realized that this might be a window into my children's future. The arguments, excessive anger (rage), inability to take any responsibility and to in fact blame me for the dogs barking are all the same type of stands that my own kids with FASD take in daily life. Because the damage of FASD doesn't go away when kids grow up, our prisons are populated by affected adults and our legal systems baffled by why they continue to offend. So...are my neighbors (who are also unable to keep jobs or normally parent their kids) actually grown ups with FASD? Why not?

I have been totally challenged on this. What if...the inner city culture of poverty that is so baffling to us college-educated white transplants from the suburbs, isn't as much cultural as a result of prenatal exposures through generations of children? I mean....in my 41 years how many people with FASD issues have been born in MN? And many of them are probably gravitating to the services and accessibility that the inner city provides? And if 85% of the adults with FASD are not able to parent their children then the foster care/adoption systems would be heavily populated by kids who are very likely to have FASD themselves. (Which brings up some interesting adoption questions that I am not going to cover in this post.)

I know that this isn't the only reason for the culture of poverty. But living with kids who are suffering with the damage of prenatal exposures I have a window into a very different world than I ever imagined.

God has shifted my heart today. As the mom to kids with FASD how do I hope their neighbors will deal with them in the future? What type of compassion do I pray over their lives? And how does that translate into my relationships with the people around me. Who may or may not share this hidden and painfilled disability.

Living with an AS teen.....lying

I love it when my friends post great thoughts on the things we encounter in our home. E's son has AS (Aspergers) and she wrote this post today about dealing with the 'lying' (and why even calling it that is an issue) that is a part of their daily life. It's amazing to me as I look at my kids with FASD and AS type issues to see the parallels between the two. But I don't think we can treat the behaviors in the same way because they are manifesting from different thought (or no thought) processes. What a crazy paradigm this is to live with! Check this out - It's worth the time investment to understand the child/adult you might encounter with AS.

If you want to compare it to Julie's description of 'lying' as a part of FASD check out this post she wrote.

"No Scar?"

Sometimes the trials of life stretch into a long day, week, month or year in our household. One of the books I read annually is Elizabeth Elliot's chronicle of Amy Carmichael's life and ministry to the people of India - A Chance to Die. I'm about 3/4ths through it and hit one of my favorite poems today. It's a challenge for me to renew the commitment to seek hard things in life rather than turning away, to love those who hate me - regardless of their response, and to receive the pain of life with thankfulness - for He bore it first.

No Scar?
Hast thou no scar?
No hidden scar on foot, or side or hand?
I hear thee sung as mighty in the land,
I hear them hail they bright, ascendant star,
Hast thou no scar?

Hast thou no wound?
Yet I was wounded by archers, spent,
Leaned Me against a tree to die; and rent
By ravening beasts that compassed Me, I swooned;
Hast thou no wound?

No wound? No scar?
Yet, as the Master shall the servant be,
And pierced are the feet that follow Me;
But thine are whole: can he have followed far
Who has nor wound not scar?

(A Chance to die, p 264)

More than enough for one day...

My kids love to run to me with first hand reports of firetrucks, aid cars or police officers visiting our block. Yesterday we had the excitement of the impound lot removing the washer and dryer and then a few hours later made our own medical 911 call that brought representatives from all three departments into my pre-dinner kitchen.

Thankfully Robert had come home early so I wasn't home alone with the kids when I discovered 26 month old Joe face down under the kitchen table in the middle of a pretty serious seizure. He hasn't had any seizures before so I was surprised to be dealing with one - especially with no warning. The paramedics thought that he might be spiking a temperature but when we checked he was at just barely 100.' A little high for a kid that wasn't sick and had just been out running around the yard half an hour before, but nothing dramatic.

By the time Pam and I got to the ER his temperature had risen to 104' which made the seizure a little more believable. He tested positive for strep, had a little Motrin and his temperature came back down to normal before we left the ER. So strange!

Today he is up running around, fighting with Jerry and acting totally normal. No fever, nothing. We did decide to give him the prescribed antibiotics when Jerry and Lily both tested positive for strep this morning. None of them have any symptoms and are happy, playing and acting healthy. I can't complain that they are not miserable, but it's hard to figure out how to manage this particular round of illness.

Delayed Gratification?

The news of the day is that Minneapolis Police called and gave us a receipt number this morning for the washer and dryer. In the event that they are not reported stolen or connected to a specific crime then December 1 we will be able to 'claim' them at the property room.

As our wise neighbor said earlier today "Don't count your washers until they are hooked up and running." I agree, but wouldn't that just be like to Lord to take something intended for evil and turn it into good for His people? Either way - His name has been honored in this (lets just say the cops were surprised that we didn't just keep the set instead of turning it in) and I am enjoying the strange and ever changing life we have been called to live.

The blessing of books......

For the past few years we have been using Tapestry of Grace as the basis of our homeschool plan. It works well because we are all serious book lovers and need to have a flexible schedule to accommodate construction and new babies every season. We can glean enough on the hard weeks to keep us going forward and dig deeper when there is margin and time.

Our friends the Millers have gathered most of the books that are needed for each school year using TOG. Their collection fills 6 of the large 66qt bins per year over a cycle of 4 years...which makes 24 big bins full of books! For the past 3 years they have graciously loaned us the ones that coincide with the year we are working through. What a blessing! The reality is that we don't have the finances to buy the books or margin to find them at the library - so their generosity has made it possible for us to use Tapestry. Thanks Millers! (Jan is also a representative for TOG if anyone is interested in learning more about the program or attending her next introductory tea. Email me and I will connect you with her.)

Last week they brought the yr 3 books to us and I spent a delicious evening marking them all (to identify them as Miller's) and enjoying the richness the bins include. This year I get to introduce the kids to some of my favorite books and topics...Jane Austin, the Civil War, Elsie Dinsmore (which I love/hate )and the Victorian Era. We live in the land of Laura Ingalls, and our house was built in 1900 - a combination of Victorian and Early Progressive styles so this years history is particularly fun. I can feel some reenactment coming on and a mess of field trips!

No longer in posession of 'stolen property'..........

They came and 'recovered' the washer and dryer today. It was pretty funny to be in possession of stolen property this weekend and I am sure some of the neighbors are wondering why the police came today and took away my appliances - it just doesn't make much sense without the rest of the story.

As the policy goes, if they are not claimed by the legal owners in 90 days then they will go to the October police auction - I might just be there to see where the bidding goes. After all...there can't be too many people looking for front loading washers at the police raid auctions. :)

Of course, the man who came and got them said he would look into getting me a 'receipt for found property.' Apparently, if I have such a receipt and no one claims them in 90 days then I could as the 'finder,'

Miss Lila - your prayers that they could stay still might be answered in the affirmative.