Some facts on FAS.......

I have spent the past 3 days hanging around in a hotel lobby and conference room while John has been busy at the Science Fair. Most of that time I invested in research and planning as to the reality of living with FASD. It's amazing to soak in the truth of it and have to embrace the reality that so many of our children may have prenatal brain damage. I still can't pull my thoughts together concisely, so I am copying a few statistics and "We believe" statements from the NOFAS website as an introduction for those who are not familiar with FASD.

"We believe FASD is a national health crisis. Over 125,000 newborns every year are exposed to heavy or binge drinking—the highest risk for FASD. Alcohol and pregnancy education must be elevated to a higher public health priority, and medical and mental health care systems must better serve all families in need. (the CDC states that 40,000 (1:100) children will be born this year with life long alcohol effects of some sort.)

We believe that to open the minds of those who can make a difference, we must remove the addiction and maternal stigma. Alcohol dependence is a chronic, progressive disease that can be treated. Treatment works, saves money and prevents future FASD births. Shaming and punishing birth mothers perpetuates the crisis and misunderstanding of the issue. (FASD can not be reversed. The damage is done at birth, but other children can be saved.)

We believe that …
FASD are the leading known preventable cause of mental retardation and birth defects, and a leading known cause of learning disabilities.

FASD annual births are higher than autism, and downs syndrome, cerebral palsy, cystic fibrosis, spina bifida and sudden infant death syndrome - COMBINED. "

Did you read that last one? FASD annual births are higher than autism/sd/cp/cf/sb/sids combined! And as a culture we are not talking about or taking it very seriously. Why not? What is it that makes it for the most part an invisible issue?

I have to wonder if it rests on the fact that we can't wrestle through calling unnecessary permanent brain damage of an unborn child wrong while still agreeing that abortion (killing the same child) is permissible.

I am against abortion. But I can see a world where abortion exists and we still speak out and work together to stop the prenatal abuse of the 40,000 children who will be born this year with permanent brain or physical damage simply because their mothers have the 'right' to do it.

I don't care about the politics on this. I care about the children who's lives are being ruined every day - before they take their first breath. I wish the word had been spread better before my own children's lives had been so tragically affected, I wish ......a different reality on these kids.

Science Fair Outcome......

Done. This is the mommy blog so I can say that I am so glad that 7th graders are not eligible for the International Science Fair. We have invested a lot of energy and family focus on this event and it's been great, but I am personally ready to shift back into a normal pattern of life for a while. And there are the other 9 kids needs to think about....... :) This first photo is one happy boy on Monday night. He received a 'bronze' medal with the other competitors who received scores in the 70-85% range. This was an excellent recognition for his first project and he was thrilled. The box he is holding is an external hard drive that was donated by Sea Gate and was the very last prize drawing of the night. Nothing like a cool electronic device to make him dance home.

Chuck M. is John's friend and mentor. He and his wife Linda were at the hospital within hours of his scrawny 5lb appearance into our family and have walked this parenting journey with us ever since. Chuck made a special trip to the Fair to support John emotionally and walk through the exhibits with him. What a perfect example of the mentor/mentee relationship in action.

The next big (and unexpected by this mommy) thrill was that John was chosen to receive a special award by IFT (International Food Technologies) for his Jr High project. It involves a invitation to their dinner meeting in April and a $250 cash prize. That's huge to a kid with a $10/month allowance and not a lot of special things that are just his - one reality of having a large family. And he will be able to start connecting with people in the Food Technologies industry perhaps on his way to a career.

Update from the Science Fair......

10:33am - John is locked in the judging area downstairs standing around nervously waiting for the judges to approach him. As my first -born I sent him through those doors to face his own battles with a mommies heart full of nervous expectation. It's good, he has had 8 years of homeschool, 12 years of social training, and he's ready to stand beside 380 of his peers (6th-12th grade) and compete in this larger pool. My job is to wait and pray (and blog because I have this great connection!)

Yesterday he set up his project and had his first tagged violation. Displaying name brand labels on his project board - easily fixed with a Sharpie - but a good reminder of how intricate the International guidelines really are and how easy it would be to miss something. At the opening session last night I was affirmed that Science and Math are the most basic blocks to our children's education and unfortunately in MN 75% of the high school Seniors who take the ACT (it's voluntary here so these are the college-bound kids) are NOT ready for college level math or science classes. Scary numbers that will help keep my heart focused on finding the best ways to teach these intensive subjects to each of our kids. (Here he is last night - boards up and starting to get a little nervous...)

It was a special treat to spend last night at the Science Museum with a group of kids and mentors who were there because they love science. 3M had sponsored the evening and as it was after hours, we had the whole place to ourselves. Going through the exhibits with kids who were reading and discussing what was there while still enjoying themselves was a special gift to me. There was no chaos, even when the lights went out for a few minutes and we found ourselves in utter darkness they were self contained and fun to be with.

So I wait, I wonder, and being who I am, I stir things up just a little. Of course I had to ask the Fair Director how we would begin addressing the question of kids with disabilities being allowed to have an aid with them in the judging for social/emotional support. It's against the rules today, but maybe by the time my kiddos with issues are ready to compete there will be a way that they can be included also.

Navigating deep waters....learning how to swim in the world of parenting kids with disabilities.

I've been a parent for 13 years. For more than 9 of them I have also been the parent of a child with hidden disabilities. One has followed another and now I am the parent to many children with hidden disabilities - all of them treasures, all of them precious to me and every one an individual. Up until recently we have been able to 'pass' (don't know if that is the right word for it within disability but within the AA social context we all understand what it historically means.) Through careful home training and selective involvement with outside activities my kids have not experienced what it means to be different from their peers. Not that we are sheltering them excessively - we have just allowed them to develop into who they are before we added in the social stress of competing with other kids who do not have disabilities. From my perspective it's working - we don't have any of the secondary issues that might have been manifesting by now if they had been facing peer pressure and public failures. (An example would be FASD as a primary issue, depression, high-risk behaviors, lying, hurting others as secondary ones.)

As the kids are getting older we are starting to get involved in new areas of the disability world. Even simple things like Soccer Camp, Transracial Adoption Support Groups, Diabetes Education and Sunday School can lead us into the uncharted waters of how to chose what activities our kids should be involved with and how to make it work. With each activity we have to decide who to talk with about our kids challenges and when, what words to use in explaining the situation and how to access if the fit is a good one for the child.

It's deep water. There are as many opinions on these issues as there are on the topic of how to think about and discuss race. Just like we have decided how our family is going to address the Black, African American, Original People's question, we are now figuring out how we are going to manage the 'disability' ones. It's hard not to be swayed by the loudest voice or the most critical one. The voice of guilt is in on the discussion as well as that of the professional world and that of history - within our home we are seeking to find the voice of the Father because that is the only one we can trust to keep our family where it needs to be.

Relief - the second visit to the Fetal Exposure Clinic...

Today I had the follow-up appointment with Dr Chang at the University Fetal Exposure clinic. It was such a positive meeting that I will be sad that he is due to retire in 18 months. I would love to walk this challenging journey of parenting kids with prenatal exposures with him longer than that, but it's a good start. As the mom to kids with multiple hidden disabilities I don't take it for granted anymore that the doctors, nurses or therapists we work with will all care about our kids as individuals. When I find one, we work hard to continue our care with them and understand the positive contribution they bring to our lives.

The outcome of today's meeting was an affirmation that both kids have brain damage from prenatal alcohol exposure. There is no gentle way to write that, and it is a fact that will not change. It's simply what happens when a pre-born baby is exposed to alcohol and drugs. It was a relief to hear that what I had been suspecting, self diagnosing and researching for years was truly where we were at. The exact diagnosis - FAS, FASD, PFAS etc is still being settled, but there is no question on the damage that has been done.

The best part of today's meeting was to see in the testing results that the things we have been doing in our homeschool and home are exactly what he recommended. Just seeing it on paper made my mommy heart so happy. We can do this - we can homeschool our FASD kids and meet their needs well. Particularly because we have the flexibility to change direction as needed and have no requirement over site hindering what we intuitively know they need. It was good to see the things I had discovered about them - strengths as well as weakness measured in some quantifiable way that 'proved' we were on track. It's the hard part of homeschooling - there just are not many checks and balances so you often wonder how you are doing. This meeting was a blessing to me and an encouragement to keep doing what we are doing - because it is working.

A day for updating ......The Special Family.

It been a healing winter for the Special Family. They have settled into life here in MN, gotten back into homeschooling, and are getting connected through church and co-op. God has provided for their physical needs and it sounds like they are starring to relax after their frightening experiences of persecution in Germany. Please keep them in prayer as mom has had the opportunity to share their experiences with other home school groups and now is invited to speak at MACHE next week. Pray that she will be clear in her message and steady in her heart - this is a big group to address. If you want to follow to know more here is the link to their blog.

Surgery updates from Sarah in India.....

Yesterday Sarah updated the current surgery list for her kids in the Covenant Homes. I was thrilled to see so many of the needed surgeries covered through various churches and individuals here in the USA. These are eternal investments in a time when earthly ones are really shaky. If anyone wants so step in and fill the gap for these kids, Sarah uses Pay Pal (to keep things really clean and traceable) and I can say that she is trustworthy - this is not a scam. These are real kids with real needs who we can really help.

The last two posts have been removed......

I have chosen to remove the last two posts based on a friends strong concerns that I was behaving in a self-vindicating and unloving manner. I in no way intended to harm anyone with them and my goal was to share some of the hard things that are involved with learning to navigate the world of parenting children with disabilities. Especially for those of us who are new to the social intricacies of it all.

Please forgive me if I have offended you.
In Christ -
Dorothy

The first day of Spring in MN...............

Jerry is celebrating Spring by investigating everything in the new bathroom.

We woke up to snow again this morning. It was 60+ on Monday, then 40 and this morning we were down around 20 degrees with a light dusting of snow. I know it will melt soon - all of the residual ice glaciers are gone but it was a tad depressing to see the ground white again.

A sure sign of Spring at our house is the annual 'sand and oil' routine for the table and counter. The counter is done but I need more sand paper and another bottle of oil before I get to the table - isn't that just the way of life? :)

Post Back-up in my brain....Meet Noah!

Noah is a name all over our lives right now - in the past few weeks three different ones - all in need of either our prayer or physical support have crossed our path. What a blessing it is to find the way we are called to love on each one and to move forward with confidence on that decision.

Meet Noah #1 - he is a 9 year old Hidden Treasure living half way around the world in India at Sarah's Covenant Homes and thriving under her loving care. We are excited to be a part of how God is straightening out parts of his CP affected body through surgery and therapy so that he can be more comfortable sitting and learning to stand safely. Noah can't join our family through adoption (and he is too big to fit into my suitcase) but you can read more about him here. Please pray for Noah - he just had his eye surgery and now is headed into a pretty painful hip one as our Spring progresses.

This weeks required reading for FASD.....

I love how God works all things out in perfect timing. For 6 weeks there was a strange and almost absolute lull in our city ministry while the bathroom was remodeled and then WHAM! The week after the tools are put away it's back in full force. I love the Bible's promise that I will not face more in any one day than God will equip me to deal with. And today it's time to process the results from the kids testing at the University Fetal Exposure Clinics and re-work our definition of 'normal' for them. Part of this process is a series of new books I am reading on living with disabilities and parenting kids who experience them.

"The Broken Cord" by Michael Dorris is the book of the week on my bed side table. It's the story of one fathers travels through FASD/LD and all of the realities that they entail. It's a really good read, a page turner, and an eye opener. It's the perfect time for Robert and I to read it as we are passing some major milestones in our affected kids lives and they are not reaching them 'as expected.' I would also encourage anyone who loves my kids to read it - understanding what their lives (and ours) really look like will help keep us all on the same page as we move forward into their teen years. Thanks Carrie for ordering me my own copies - I can't wait to share them out!

A little window shopping on the internet...

It's been a lazy Sunday evening sitting on the bed doing a little Internet window shopping with the husband. We considered jewelry, fancy dresses and other such fluffy things (anyone who knows me should be laughing by now and waiting for the punch line) But in the end, none of it was in my size or colors.....and I had no interest in shipping anything to our house. Instead we have been looking at special fun ways we could invest in the kids and ministry of Sarah's Covenant Homes in India with the income that the Lord is providing through Daddy's extra duty pay. How about covering life changing or life sustaining surgeries? This is a link to Sarah's January 'Wish List' of surgeries for her kids.....of course that was before her newest family members arrived with their own special needs, but it was a good place to start thinking about what our investment might cover. Check out the link to see what could be done with $500.

This is the type of shopping I can really get into on a Sunday night. Helping provide for the physical needs of kids who God has brought out of hopelessness and into a place where His name is honored. In the end we haven't been able to really decide what we should do, so we are going to email Sarah and ask her if there is a particular need that we can meet and leave the decision between her and the Lord.

Progress.....

One of the things I enjoy about my kids is their sense of humor. Life is pretty intense for Jesse but I love the fact that he can relax at times and is learning how to share a joke. Things like toilet-roll balancing....

Joe and Jerry on the other hand are not thrilled that we took away all of the bottles and switched them both over to the sippy cups as soon as the bathroom was completed. Now if I can only get motivated to work toward toilet training Lily I will be back on my own little mommy time table......must be another baby on the way if I'm getting that close to normal!

Email exerpt .....how we adults impact the next generation.

Yesterday I exchanged several fun emails with P, a pastors wife and mom to two treasures who is anticipating two more through trans racial adoption. This is a snippet from one of the emails that I have copied with her permission.......it tells of an incident between her grade school daughter and Grandma.

"Yesterday afternoon my Mom took our two kids with her for some Grandma and Grand kid time. They ended up going shopping for shoes. When visiting one of the stores my Mom stops and looks straight at my daughter and says, "You know T when you get two other kids I cannot take you out shopping like this anymore." My nine year old daughter quickly responds, "Well, Grandma shoes are not as important as children and anyway the reason we are adopting is because we are not here to have our . . . homogeneous, self-centered, two children, double-latte life!" (Sounds strangely familiar!) And that ended that conversation with a very stunned look from my Mom. "

The kids are watching us mommies. Every word we speak, or type or sing. Our kids and the ones around us are absorbing it for good or harm. Even when we write posts (this is the one of mine she was refering to :) for adults the children are here looking over our shoulders!

Poetry? I guss that is a tag I hadn't thought of....

Sarah pointed out that I had no way to search for the poems that are included on Urban Servant so I added the tag and now need to go back and find them all. Isn't it funny how our brains just skip over certain logical things? Here is the link and I have marked three so far.

Happy Birthday to the 'original' Josh!

March 12th - It's my baby brothers birthday today! My Josh was named after him, and if he follows his uncle in serving our country my mommy heart will be pleased. Big Josh and his family are currently serving our country in Guam with the Navy. I praise God for my brother and for this extra time we have been given with him since the stroke and revealed hole in his heart a little over a year ago. What a difference a year makes!

Missing Tris.....one year since his journey took him home.

Three and a half years ago a very special little boy was born in Alabama. From the worlds view he had little to live for. He was ill and large portions of his brain were missing. But he was alive and God had a very special family chosen and being prepared to bring him home. The day his soon-to-be mom called me I was serving a meal to the family and she said something along the lines of "I'm so in trouble, there is this baby and I think I'm in love.' She had been looking at a website for some friends and 'chanced' upon his photo and story under their 'Special Children' pull down. A few short weeks later I was flying to Georgia to bring our Lily home and their family was headed to Alabama to receive the blessing of Tristan. That weekend both our families expanded by one.

Tristan's life was brief. They knew that when they adopted him and it made every day more precious. God was gracious and gave them 6 months past the 2 years that man projected.

Tristan never stood on his own, he never saw a sunrise as he was blind, he never drank from a cup nor did a 1000 things that we assume are part of childhood. But he was passionately loved and no one in his close or expanded family would say it was a wasted life, or a waste of his families lives. I love Tristan and his family and Praise God that they were faithful when the opportunity came to do something radical with their lives. They choose to walk the path of suffering with him and have seen God's blessing unfold. It's been a year since their paths divided and he went home, an bitter sweet year for those who love him.

Tristan and his family

Happy Birthday Josh!

Eight years ago today we didn't know about a little guy named Josh. We knew that hearts were preparing to embrace another child and that our homestudy was almost done, but there was nothing solid to differentiate this day from any other. It wasn't until 6 weeks later that we received the call that a little guy in North Carolina seemed destined to join our family. From a square little baby who's foster mom prayed regularly that he would 'grow some legs' to this lanky 8 year old today, Josh has been an amazing blessing to our family. He is tender hearted, loves babies, fills our home with energy and helps me to stretch in my own understanding of what it means to succeed.

We love you Josh and pray that you will grow into in a man who loves the Lord and who never tires of doing good. Blessings on your birthday ~ Mom and Dad

Real life with the new bathroom....

This week I let the family into my new bathroom sanctuary. It only took a few minutes of arguing with myself to let go of the perfect, sparkly white, everything in it's place newness of it. (Erin warned me!) Within a few hours we had experienced the usual number of disasters (though not the overflowing toilet one - got to love that Toto!) The hand soap was poured out, the conditioner pumped out and someone peed on the floor. But it's been released and is in general use now. Today Leah supervised bathing the youngest 5 children. What a blessing a happy 11 year old girl is on a morning when mom had too many sleep disruptions.

The little boys snuck into the room a couple of times also to check things out. Good thing it's all industrial strength!

What can I teach my kids about being Black?

What can I teach you about being Black?
Not much,
Because I'm not.
But a I can teach you about pain,
And how to forgive peoples foolish words.
I can show you how to endure suffering,
So that through it Truth will be proclaimed.
I can love you and cry with you,
I can be the she-bear when you are threatened.
We can live where there is a rainbow of people,
and we can learn to love them together.
We can seek out the truth of history,
And not be afraid of the ugliness.
I can open your heart and your eyes
To the painful reality that comes
clinging to the back of sin.

And in the end,
I can release you into your destiny,
And wait for you to come home,
With a fuller understanding of who you are
and what you are to be in your life.
Then I can listen as you teach me,
What it means to be Black.

(Note: I posted this 11/07 but most of you were not around back then to share it with. :)

We are a City on a Hill when we adopt transracially.....(reposted from 2007)

Some days I can’t get through one aisle at the grocery store without a curious person stopping to ask about our family. I know we are intriguing. I shop with 10 kids, age 12 and under, with African-American, Caucasian and Cherokee all represented in their patient faces. To the world at large we are a blazing city on the hill or at least a passing carnival.

There is no way to hide our calling when we are out in public and the human truth is that there are days when I really embrace the message of Matthew 5:14-16 and others that I just want to skip those verses altogether and go back into my homogenous, self-centered, two children, double-latte life. But God says in His word - “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill can not be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to the whole house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

Every time we walk out our front doors people are watching. What does your life testimony say when you walk out? Is it pleasing to God? I hope so! I hope that you are reading this because you have felt the call on your life to accept the blessing of a child who God raises up from somewhere outside your womb. And if you are not called to adopt yourself, I urge you to support those who are.

I pray as I’m writing that your ears will hear the call of the Lord on your life and be deaf to the clanging cries of the world. Adoption is hard, and transracial adoption is always out on public display so it is always hard. But that’s not bad. When we walk to the park, or the zoo or the museum, it is almost guaranteed that God has a ‘divine appointment’ waiting for us there. It’s taken a long time for me to embrace the moments I have been given to let my light shine so that God might be glorified, but I am learning. It’s living out of the call from 1 Peter 3:15 “…to always be prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you.” I admit I never thought about it before we adopted, but nine years and seven blessings later I have a solid trust in he who placed us on the hill.

When you adopt children who look like you there is a lot of attention for a brief time and then people sort of forget and strangers don’t have a clue, so the public part of adoption is pretty much done (excepting medical issues and genealogy projects in school). But when you adopt transracially that phase is never over – the fact that God built your family though adoption is always right out front, always an opportunity to give Glory to our Father in heaven. So get your testimony ready, soften your heart and receive the questions from strangers with joy because YOU get to tell them about the God who made your family beautiful.

A good man smiles when you approach him with 20lbs of stuffing and a plan.....

Yesterday God provided us with 20lbs of wild rice stuffing through Mikes Discount Foods. After the crew was in bed Robert and I had a 'hot' Sunday night date in the kitchen and made 8 pans of cubed turkey with stuffing and gravy for the freezer (4 dinners and 4 lunches worth.)

This is one aspect of the new bathroom I haven't shared. Probably all of my friends knew about these but somehow I missed it - a built in small ring for the potty-training or small bottomed crew. Excellent as I have two to toilet train between now and summer and then Jerry will be right behind them. i really like the fact that the kids ring snaps up into the lid with a strong magnet so it isn't likely to get in a larger persons way when it is not needed.

I did give into temptation yesterday and bought a few new towels and washcloths for the bathroom. I really like the contrast with the blue and white. :) Now I need to find some of those bath mats that are like an extra thick towel so they can be regularly washed.

Drum roll please... before and after photos.

Here are a few before and after photos to share the dramatic change Weldon has brought to our main bathroom. The tubs are in the exact same position ...no more pipes, no more plastic wall tile, no more crack and peel floor squares. (The tub before the riser and hand shower were added.)

The sink area. It's hard to explain, but the sink used to be wedged into that space beside the toilet. We moved it to the other wall and made more pipes disappear.

Grey walls to white, broken window to new frosted glass one. This still isn't a complete photo of the tub. I didn't realize I had missed photographing it complete until now.

Here is the view from the kitchen. Too bad the lights were on in the new bathroom - it really doesn't glare that much. But it does show the completed shower and tub. Amazing change isn't it?!

The view from the office entry into the bathroom. That photo on the wall is actually a second medicine cabinet and it holds photos, or pictures your children draw for you. Thanks Josh for this self portrait of you and your siblings.

So how do you thank a friend (and his family)who have invested 6 weeks of their lives in rebuilding this mess? It's something that needed doing, but that we had shelved as unreasonable within the resources that the Lord has trusted us with. He made a dream come true that wasn't even a fully-hatched dream, just an idea of 'someday' before the boys are all teens that we would need a shower in the house. And here we are just 90 days before the first one turns 13 and the Lord has provided not just a shower but a safe and beautiful place to take one in. Praise God, thanks to Weldon and his home crew and Amen! to living in fellowship with people who care about our family in such an amazing way.

The last big push of the bathroom remodel.....

I thought that physically getting the new tub into the house would be the hardest part of the bathroom remodel. In retrospect it was nasty to watch, but since I was a bystander, it really was none too stressful. After all, praying protecting over the men is easier than being right in the middle of the heaving.

Installing it was a bit of a different matter....between Weldon and I we dreamt up a method that involved a car jack, tarp and 2x4's stacked into blocks for getting the beast into position. The problem was that there isn't enough room behind the tub to hook up water lines, overflow or waste once it was in position. It all had to be done ahead of time and then 'gently' balanced and rolled on the car jack into it's permanent position against the wall. My job was to balance as he moved it. It took the Wii Fit balance board to a new level. Here there were consequences to loosing the balancing act with a 330 pound tub perched precariously on a car jack. Potentially broken tiles, injured people, and damaged tub being the first three things I thought of. Here is a photo of it sitting on the blocks (for stability) while Weldon hooked up all the pipes.

We did have the opportunity to do it twice in a row (practice?!) as one of the tub components was leaking under the rim and we needed to pull it away from the wall to get to it. Good thing we dit move it - it took a lot of work to get that leak resolved. More than either of us would have guessed. Bad manufacturing of the part in my opinion, nothing Weldon did wrong!

The dilemma here is that he got wedged in the corner and had to squeeze through the gap without shifting the tub weight. I'm sure he has some nice bruises on his thighs from escaping this particular corner and sore legs from this extended balancing while he was mounting the shower ring on the ceiling.

This hole is unrelated to construction. It's the main hall next to the kitchen where one of the boys took an elbow to a weak piece of plaster and caused it to crumble. I took advantage of all the supplies being in the next room and patched/primed and papered it all on Friday while being generally available to help Weldon and manage the household.

And in the truth of my life....it always looks the worst when you are almost done. I have to make a huge mess to make any progress in my life and this is no exception. Here's my kitchen.... :)

We also had a touch of spring melt this week. At 40' we threw open the doors and let a bit of fresh air into the house. Joe kept running out into the snow but Jerry choose to watch from safety - smart boy.

Survival Tricks In My Home...or Managing a Large Family of Little people 101.

Sometime over the past 8 years we shifted from keeping our money in tidy earmarked envelopes where even a spare $20 was hard to come by, to a new reality where decisions need to be made based on a different type of currency - that of parental time. It's a subtle shift in thinking, but an important one for keeping all 12 of us healthy and happy. Thankfully, the Lord has increased our income enough to allow for this shift and my mental capital is a carefully budgeted commodity.

Some examples.....I used to do much of our car maintenance and repairs. I was happy to do the basics and ventured into some of the harder things like heater systems and water pumps. Now we have an extended warranty on the 15 passenger van and I am happy to pay the shop to keep the Neon running smoothly. Finding time to put gas in, schedule maintenance, update the tabs and get through the car-wash is enough details for my brain to manage on the topic of cars. I could do much of the work keeping them on the road, but who's going to do my job while I do it?



How about the dishwasher. It's still sort of new and fun for me - 5 years ago we updated that portion of the kitchen and added it in. Tonight I had 7 minutes to do 'something' in the kitchen. It was a mess but I was home alone with the little ones and I had given them a 10 minute bed warning....7 minutes to make a dent. It was 3/4 full of clean dishes, and I had another 1/4 of a load in the sink. Not time to unload and reload (I'm trying to be a woman of my word with the kids. 10 means 10.) So I added the dirty to the clean and ran them all again. Not the best use of resources, but an excellent use of mommy time and I will have a full clean load for the crew to put away in the morning.

Then there is the cooking. About a month ago I came to a strange realization that that had shifted also. We don't cook from recipes in the traditional sense -we do it the other way around. We look at what we have and then dream up what we can do with it. There are no quick trips to the store for single ingredients or special items. Actually it is a 'special' event worth noting when I get a wild hair (twice a year or so) and go out shopping with a special meal in mind. Instead we keep about 100 basic items in the spice drawer and cupboard and work from there. Usually we eat "As the Lord provides." Which means that we eat a lot of seasonal things (my kids wont see very many fresh apples again until next fall) , bulk breads (what ever whole grain loaves they have when we go to the outlet) and sale items. Not too many processed things, though that always shifts when we are in transition with construction or a new baby. Then it's bring on the snack crackers and string cheese! This mom needs a little mental margin. :)

Many household chores have shifted also. I don't fold any ones laundry but daddies. We have shelving with 12 laundry baskets in three rows and I can toss clean items into any ones bin without too much effort. I sort a large load in about 3 minutes and move on to the next thing. Of course that means we don't own anything that wrinkles or needs much special care but I don't miss them.

I could go on and bore you to death. But the gist of it is that we have recognized that margin and parental time in a large family is a valuable commodity. It is something that needs to be invested wisely in things that are eternal (people) and not wasted on things that are temporary and unimportant like folding sweat pants. :)

And it all breaks down......

One of the rubs with having 10 children in a 109 year old house is that everything is in some state of decay. The rest of the house (and the children who occupy it) don't take a break from 'breaking' just because I am focused on another area.

No in fact the damage escalates because I am not on the top of my parenting game so things slide that usually wouldn't. I have a few new things to add to my maintenance list this week - enough to make me sigh and call the bigger kids to my side as 'maintenance workers in training.' If I keep training them, I am sure that one day I will be able to point at the sink and say 'Oh, that faucet has an issue child, would you please figure out what is wrong and repair it?" For now, the job is mine and I have to decide where to start : plumbing, electrical, broken windows, plaster repair, lock adjusting, or replacing the window insulation boards that keep the bedrooms warm at night...good to have choices I suppose and I am sure to be employed tomorrow. :)

P.S. Decision was made easy when I went upstairs to tuck the girls in bed .....my 4 poster bed frame was about to come apart at the corners. Time for the rubber mallet and the wood glue! A broken bed beats a hole in the wall any day.

P.S.S. Of course as I stood up after gluing and pounding on the bed I caught my jeans on the crib in our room and tore a hole in them. One thing off the list....another thing onto it!

In out of the cold....the clawfoot strength test.

Weldon brought over a couple of friends from work and they brought the tub in today. 330 pounds of frozen cast iron and porcelain. Sometimes I am so glad to be a woman.....:)

Of course the thing had to be turned on it's side to get into the house - after traversing the melting icy puddles between the house and the garage.

Jerry was fascinated and flirting with me as the men left.

Weldon got the faucet and drains on today - tomorrow we take the tub off blocks and (Lord willing) lower it into it's permanent place in the bathroom.

FASD - These are the easy years......

Living with FASD is really exhausting. For one of my kids the (significant) learning delays and behavioral issues are only a sideline to the huge challenge right now which is ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder.) He HATES to be under any ones authority and will choose a power struggle at the drop of a hat over doing something he isn't 100% in favor of. It can be simple things...being placed on a team at Karate when he wanted another one, being handed a blue pencil when he wanted a red one, having mom say '1 + 2 is not 5' when he decides it is. There is no question when it happens. A line has been crossed, a door slammed, and in an instant we go from a stable situation to an emotional , angry, unable to think boy who is likely to do anything.

I admit it scares me as a mom. I've looked at the statistics for men in prison. There is a disproportionate number of people with 'suspected' FASD incarcerated - hugely so. Terrifyingly so. Living with kids who have this type of brain damage I can see how it happens..lack of impulse control leads to bad decision making followed by an inability to access the situation quickly once it starts to escalate. The simple fact that he is transfixed and paralyzed by dangerous and emotional situations may leave him where has no business being. Too close to a drug deal, a shooting, a fight...not a part of it - but sucked into the drama and not able to walk away. Guilty by association.

So I teach, and I train, and I pray and oh yes..I weep with all my heart. Over this child who is so vulnerable and who has such a hard road ahead. It's hard to say, but these are the 'easy' years. When his fights are with mom and brothers. When he is spanked for defiance and not fired. Where forgiveness and love are guaranteed and where he is protected from the hard reality of the world that will not understand his hidden disabilities.

These are the easy years, I don't want to lose them because I am fighting to make him something that he isn't. I don't want to waste this short time I have to help him build a firm foundation against the gathering storm.

Bathroom fun....Weldon is done with the tile!

Tonight Weldon finished grouting the wall and floor tiles for the bathroom. It looks amazing! I can get photos is I skip a few of the options on my camera so here are a few updates from today...

Weldon still had a smile after hours of grout work

And he is never lonely with Joe around to copy him and ask questions about the tools.

And in the event that Joe is playing hot-wheels and Weldon does get lonely there are always the sister-chicks looking for another way to bend the rules and peek in on his progress.

It's so clean and pretty!

Jerry (see him in the bottom center?) snuck into the bathroom last night and stood mesmerized by the new light fixture. The electrician was over on Saturday and installed the new fixtures and switches. And here is an improvement that only Missy and Jeff could appreciate....he added in a second 17 slot electrical panel! Maybe no more overloaded circuit breakers?!